Have i caused my childs issues.

[Harleyisme]

Hello everyone,
I have a 6 year old who has recently had a Educational physcologist assessment. He already had a diagnosis of Autism. The ep noted sensory issues and demand avoidance behaviour.
The ep noted how our son has emotional regulation issues. High anxiety.
He also noted that it was unsual for a child to hate every part of school like my son, that it was very unsual how much support and reassurance he need to make it though the assessment for his age, that my son had no confidence in his own ability, he also noted the amount of comfort my son needed and how he is dominant of me.
Now we removed our son from school due to the school believe that our son had no additional needs at all even though he has a diagnosis they believed the only issue is the fact that i was not a good parent and was not strict with him and that my son was just a naughty manipulative little boy. They didn't like the fact that i used demand avoidance stragies to help him with his high anxiety and believed that i was damaging my son.
Is what the ep noted due to my sons issues or is it something we have done as parents. Its always scared me how anxious and nervous my son is as we have had alot of investigations due to it be we have done nothing but support him and tell him how great and amazing he is and help him to feel better.

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Are you in the uk op?

Sorry, posted too soon... do you have an EHCP for your Ds?

I am in the uk. We have just submitted another request for a ehcp assessment we have failed twice already to secure one but we didnt have a ep report till now as said our son didn't need one.

He isn't is self at school he is quiet still and the school often said they easily could forget hes there as he didnt cause them issues.
Getting him into school was a nightmare. I could get him in school office and he would run away and even attacked a ta. This was all written as him running away from me and they said he kept him from going in when in reality i stopped them dragging him in asked them not to touch him as he asked me to. They would have the doors open ready to force hom in and then shut them so he couldn't get out and he would stand and scream hitting the door. It was horrible.

Parenting a child with additional needs is a challenge. You will come across people who can understand your style and see how it works. There will be others who criticise.

The important thing is to listen to ideas and suggestions, consider how that would work with your child, then do what you think works best. Professionals make observations hoping that they will help you and your DC. Listen to them and try out their suggestions. It's a two or three way process, changing your approach discuss8ng how that worked with the professionals, tweaking it then trying again.

Sometimes children do need to be taken into school and left. They will have seen child after child who hangs on to mum and won't go in, then as soon as mum leaves they are absolutely fine. You have to work with them on that bit, find ways of getting him in to school and you leaving without allowing any fuss.

We have taken everything everyone has said on board. We have tried every strategy thats been suggested and attended every course thats been asked of us.

If you are at the school door saying to DS 'You'll be fine won't you!', then you are accidentally suggesting that they may not be fine.
It needs to be really routine, 'oh look, there's Bill, go and ask him how his puppy is. I'll see you later!'

I'm not saying you are doing it wrong, obviously I don't know I'm not there! Just pointing out some of the things that often happen.

Thats the thing he didn't hang on to mum he ran away nearly got knocked over a few times and also attacked the ta who grab him and pulled him into school everyday.

That's really good then! That's all you can do. Children are unique and complicated. We never know what will work. We just try different things, learn different ways and hope that we get lucky.

OP, take a look at a website called not fine in school.

I know exactly what your saying and thats not how it went down. I told him to go into school that i would collect at home time told him to go see is friends tell the teachers about pokemon every distraction we could think of to try make it fuss free. He would not willing walk into without being dragged in no matter what we did.

I don’t know you or your son, but going off what you’ve posted, if numerous professionals from different areas (school and psychologist) are saying your style of parenting is causing or worsening your child’s issues, my gut feeling is that they may be right.

I'm not going to comment on whether I think you're in the right or wrong here as that isn't my place.
However, I will say from my own experience of suffering with sever me anxiety, when I run away from things the anxiety gets worse, the more I don't do them. So I'm your sons case, by pulling him out you could have fed his anxiety more rather than guided him into it. The only way to overcome anxiety of a certain situation is to be in that situation and learn to centre the anxiety. By feeding into the anxiety, you're validating it more therefore making them the situation harder to navigate next time.
I do understand how difficult it can be to see someone struggle though, and completely understand your urge to protect him.

Lots of children find being in school very difficult. Many of those will have ASD where the combined effect of sensory overload, anxiety and the constant requirement to conform will be too much. Have a look at IPSEA s website as well, in particularly the section about not being in school as it described the legal obligations of the local authority when a child is unable to go attend school, for example due to anxiety. IPSEA also have a helpline and can advise on your EHC needs assessment application.

For everyones information the only people that have said that i have made my son worse is school. No other professional has done the ep i have reported what he finds his needs are he the ep didn't say we have made mynson how he is. Its my own worry that questions if its my fault.

@SparklingIsolation i am trying to find one is more understand and nurturing unfortunately we have had to delay looking due to the coronavirus.

I just want to help make sure he gets the chance to have the life he wants. I have 2 other boys who aren't like this one starting collage in September and the other thriving in the same school the 6 year old ds was at.

Sometimes children do need to be taken into school and left. They will have seen child after child who hangs on to mum and won't go in, then as soon as mum leaves they are absolutely fine. You have to work with them on that bit, find ways of getting him in to school and you leaving without allowing any fuss.

Please ignore this. It has absolutely no application to a child with autism and possible demand avoidance.

No, @Elsiebear90. Where does the psychologist blame the parent? They are describing the childs needs.

The OP says the school doesnr believe there are additional needs and have blamed her/him. An all too familiar story. Partly because many children with ASD are able to mask at school and partly because there is an awful lot of ignorant teachers about when it comes to SEND.

OP, I think you need to give yourself a break here and get in touch with some parent support groups for children with ASD. I work in this area and your son sadly sounds like many other children I come across with ASD who also have very high anxiety levels, sometimes linked to ASD but not always. The fact had ODD and sensory issues would explain why he may find school intolerable. But it doesnt mean he always will.

OP, it's incredibly unlikely that you have caused your child's difficulties in any way.

It's extremely common for children with autism and similar difficulties to mask in school only for the stresses of coping during the school day to build up and boil over as soon as they are home with someone safe. It is also unfortunately only too common for more ill-informed teachers not to know this and to blame parents. It really is disgraceful that they are not better trained in what is, after all, probably the SEN they are most likely to encounter professionally.

If or when you get an EHC Plan, I'd strongly suggest you look around for an alternative school - possibly one with a specialist ASD unit.

Anxiety and autism very commonly go together. When people are not used to working with kids with autism they often don't understand that they won't respond to the sort of things nt kids respond to (e.g. a bit of distraction and jollying them along). I suspect you know your son best and are doing the right thing.

I was listening to podcast about SEND earlier and they were saying most teachers have no more than a few days training in SEND. Its shocking when you think 15% of children have SEND. There are some great teachers around, but there are also some shocking attitudes to children with SEND and their families.

how he is dominant of me

I don't understand this bit. You mean he is aggressive with you? Or demands all of your attention?

Thank you @ScreamingKid and @JudyCoolibar. Its so hard to not feel like i am failing him.

@DamnYankee hes all over me constantly. He wants my attention all the time and doesn't think anyone else should get it. This doesn't mean that i allow it i am just explaining how he is.