Have i caused my childs issues.

[Harleyisme]

Hello everyone,
I have a 6 year old who has recently had a Educational physcologist assessment. He already had a diagnosis of Autism. The ep noted sensory issues and demand avoidance behaviour.
The ep noted how our son has emotional regulation issues. High anxiety.
He also noted that it was unsual for a child to hate every part of school like my son, that it was very unsual how much support and reassurance he need to make it though the assessment for his age, that my son had no confidence in his own ability, he also noted the amount of comfort my son needed and how he is dominant of me.
Now we removed our son from school due to the school believe that our son had no additional needs at all even though he has a diagnosis they believed the only issue is the fact that i was not a good parent and was not strict with him and that my son was just a naughty manipulative little boy. They didn't like the fact that i used demand avoidance stragies to help him with his high anxiety and believed that i was damaging my son.
Is what the ep noted due to my sons issues or is it something we have done as parents. Its always scared me how anxious and nervous my son is as we have had alot of investigations due to it be we have done nothing but support him and tell him how great and amazing he is and help him to feel better.

You did the right thing.

PDA is a difficult and traumatic type of autism and it stems from fear.

It really isn't just a case of drop and leave the child to get on with school as a PP said. This can cause life time mental health problems.

I'd advise you to go with your gut instinct whist finding professionals with experience. There are not many experienced professionals, most can just about understand autism but PDA profile is different.

Do as you are and protect his mental health. I didn't do this early enough and my child had a breakdown due to school.
She will never return to school. 6 years on its still baby steps.

Its the school with the highest number of sen i the area but lowest number of ehcp

If they aren't familiar with the very well-known phenomenon of masking, it's not surprising that they have a low number of EHCPs.

DD1 is diagnosed with autism.

One the autism specialist psychologists who observed us interacting noted that she believed I was one of DD1's 'special interests'. I had been worried about attachment because she was so upset about separating from me. We were lucky in seeing someone at CAMHS with a specialism in female autism.

One strategy that helped was making a specific plan to do something when we were together again. So, at school drop off we decided to, say bake together after I picked her up.

A therapy dog at school and weekly RDA have also helped enormously. It has broadened her special interests to include dogs and horses. It breaks up the school day which helps too.

I feel like one of his obsessions. Apparently when am not around i am all he talks about. No matter who hes with if hes struggling he repeats over and over again that he needs his mummy and wont settle with anyone else.
One time he was screaming wouldn't go with the TA into class so i held his hand walk him into class helped him hang his bag and coat up sat him at the table and left him doing some work he was still a little upset but it was the best he had gone into school. Schools reaction was to give me a warning for endangering other children a d tell me i was no longer allowed to enter the school with out having been asked by the teacher. They even told me during the christmas play if he gets upset and tried to come to me i was not to get up and comfort him i was to let them come and comfort him.
Hes scared of school now as they would tell him off for being late when he was struggling to go on and the deputy head once told him mummys going to get into lots of trouble for you not coming into school she may even have to go away.
I have at the advise of Sossen sent school a email with all the ep provision init and ask them if they can meet the needs and if yes how.

Gosh they sound ghastly. I’m glad you have SOSSEN on board. Their advisors are lovely!

I sometimes feel like I have a stalker.

I was working in the home office for a couple of hours and DD1 knew she wasn't to disturb me. She sat on the metal strip for the entire 2 hours watching me. DH couldn't persuade her away.

It's exhausting. She uses me as her emotional self regulator. For the first time in my 4 decades on this planet, I have to use anti-anxiety medication every single day.

@stargirl1701 thats exactly how i feel. I said this morning i was going upstairs to iron he sat on me and tried to make me say pleading with me that i must say the when that didn't work came upstairs with me.
Ironically i have also had to start taking anti anxiety medication this year too.

They actually used to say that his anxiety was because of mine when in reality its the other way round.

Have you spoken to your GP about your anxiety? It really has helped me to be on medication.

The hardest thing is knowing THIS is the easy part of parenting. Teen and adult years yet to come...

This is such a common story. Schools often don't want to fund support/are in cahoots with LAs so will blame your parenting. Sounds like your son has experienced school trauma on top of his autism, or has PDA as other posters suggest. Either way, by utilising PDA strategies you are doing exactly the right thing. Using different strategies could be disastrous and compound any trauma.

Re the anxiety - you're bound to have anxiety after all this. Everyone would. The old 'mum has anxiety' thing is just part of the 'bully the parent so they'll offroll child' game.

Yes @stargirl1701 i am on medication for it made lots of difference.

@Thekidsarefightingagain pda stragies are definitely ones that help him the best its all anout him feeling like hes in control. I never directly tell him to do something as he just wont but if i give him 3 things to do in a set time frame in the order he likes he will do them as he feels hes controlling the situation.

Thats very true regarding the anxiety at the end of it mums are only human and can only take the bullying for so long.