Have i caused my childs issues.

[Harleyisme]

Hello everyone,
I have a 6 year old who has recently had a Educational physcologist assessment. He already had a diagnosis of Autism. The ep noted sensory issues and demand avoidance behaviour.
The ep noted how our son has emotional regulation issues. High anxiety.
He also noted that it was unsual for a child to hate every part of school like my son, that it was very unsual how much support and reassurance he need to make it though the assessment for his age, that my son had no confidence in his own ability, he also noted the amount of comfort my son needed and how he is dominant of me.
Now we removed our son from school due to the school believe that our son had no additional needs at all even though he has a diagnosis they believed the only issue is the fact that i was not a good parent and was not strict with him and that my son was just a naughty manipulative little boy. They didn't like the fact that i used demand avoidance stragies to help him with his high anxiety and believed that i was damaging my son.
Is what the ep noted due to my sons issues or is it something we have done as parents. Its always scared me how anxious and nervous my son is as we have had alot of investigations due to it be we have done nothing but support him and tell him how great and amazing he is and help him to feel better.

I meant PDA, not ODD.

Alot of the children I work with display that behaviour with their main care giver OP. So you're not alone. Someone with more expertise may be able to explain it , but I always think of it as a comfort thing. If you had very high anxiety levels you may well want to stay close to what makes you feel better.

@Screamingkid we have had PDA mentioned to us afew times now. We are in touch with action for asd in our area and they agree he does seem like a pda profile. School said they had never heard of it and he just need to be told what to do and not have any control at this made him so bad he started to attack people.

@ScreamingKid i hope it is because he feels comfort and a safe with me. His dad is going back to work monday after furlough for 10 weeks so hes spent the weekend telling his dad he hates refusing to do anything for his dad and clinging to me. I feel so bad at times that theres no magic wand to help him.

Your Ds sounds very similar to how my Ds was when he started reception after being in the pre school for 18months with no issue.

My Ds was eventually diagnosed with autism, adhd and emotional dysregulation and he now attends a special school.

Before diagnosis we looked at ODD parental attachment, whether it was a behavioural issue etc.

Ime i would say many mainstream schools are not trained, willing or accepting of dc with additional needs because quite frankly they are difficult and the ASD spectrum is huge. Mainstream school is not for every dc and I wish I realised that earlier, it would have helped my ds's anxieties tremendously.

Saying that, for a special school you will need to get an EHCP.

There are many children with additional needs in mainstream school, some schools can cope with the children depending on their needs. In hindsight I would look at your Ds and do what is best for him. He needs to feel safe and settled at school before any learning can take place. If he isn't settled at one school, try another. But really take on board what it is he needs and find a school who will nurture him.

It certainly sounds like you are your sons 'safe person' as I am with mine. Try and use that as an advantage, not as a problem

ay the school OP. Do not send hom back there , it clearly isn't the right setting. I take it you arranged for the EP to see him?
Have you made a request for an EHC needs assessment and you're getting the EP report done to help with evidence for the needing the assessment? Not that you should have to do that but that's a whole other conversation.

Excuse typos. I was typing whilst cross at the school.

@screamingkid Yes we got the ep report to back up a ehc request. We have already been refused twice and the school and county wouldn't get a ep assessment done so we have done it ourselves this time and sent it off with the ehc request. It was sad to see all the needs he had as not even i or dh knew the full extent.

@3NMe i will always see it as a plus being his safe place.
We will be finding a better school.
The ep has stated in his report that ot wouldn't be possible for my son to go back to school without a ehcp because his needa are to great he said as a minimum he needs a full time level 3 or HTLA or Sen TA.

My DD has PDA profile of ASD with sensory processing disorder. She was diagnosed at 8 and permanently excluded from her second primary school in year 5. The EP explained to the school that her behaviour was due to a high anxiety fight or flight response and not her fault but they would not listen, and they continued to blame us as parents. My DD saw a psychologist for her anxiety who was so angry that the school was blaming us that she wrote a letter to the headteacher saying it wasn’t us as parents and the language the school was using to us was increasing our anxiety, and therefore DD’s anxiety. The school blamed us because they had a complicated and challenging child on their hands who didn’t fit the profile of autism they were used to.

She is at mainstream secondary now and doing brilliantly with loads of support and amazing SENCO and senior staff. The staff are professional and treat us as partners, they ask us for advice on handling DD. It’s changed our lives.

OP it’s not you. Your other kids are doing fine so you know this really. The school are blaming you because they can’t admit they are not able to support your son properly.

That sounds like a very helpful EP report. Dont give yourself a hard time OP. You aren't an expert and therefore cant be expected to know the extent of his difficulties. Hes only 6 which is very young, I hope with the right setting he will flourish.

That's great to hear @Defconone. it's amazing how the right setting can make such difference.

OP you sound like a brilliant, observant and flexible parent. And he absolutely screams PDA.

The Elizabeth Newsome centre or Lorna Wing centre are both experienced in PDA. As for the EHCP, I urge you in the strongest terms to familiarise yourself with SOS SEN and IPSEA. They will get you through the inevitable appeals which come as a part of getting a water tight plan.

You don’t need anyone else’s approval. And even if you did, you’re doing fine. Have you seen the Home Ed PDA Facebook pages?

Thank you for the support those that have helped.

@exsheild thank you i am just trying my best to be what he needs. I will look more at ipsea and sossen. I haven't heard of the home ed pda groups i will take a look thank you again.

Pm me if I can help. You’ve got this.

I think that you're better off moving this to the SEN section. People who don't have a child with demand avoidant version of autism will have no comprehension of what life is like for you and your son. They don't understand that you need to parent the child very differently from the "norm".

It's not you and it's not your fault that your boy has this condition. Ignore school.

If you message me, I will tell you what to say to help you to secure a needs assessment for your boy.

Google "a special needs parent fell down a hole...." It'll make you see that you're not alone.

Sadly you are going to have to fight for every bit of help for your son. I was you 4 years ago. I'm one EHCP down for one of my children and about to send one off for my son.

Well done for trusting your instincts and pulling him from school. Our school gaslights every SEN parent with am autistic child.

You've got this!

Which area do you live op? The school sounds lacking in knowledge and skill. Maybe look for a mainstream school that has higher Numbers of SEN pupils

@HouseofSticks. Or maybe the child is so highly anxious and stressed that he cant help his actions?

House of sticks - it’s anxiousness that causes such behaviour in this case.

Just wanted to reassure you that I have two children like yours. One is 16 and was taken out of school at 11 after 3 deregistrations and 3 failed returns to school. And the other is 10 and has also "failed" in school twice. I have other children who thrive in school! One of the others also has ASD but whilst finding the social side of school difficult thrived in the academic environment. This is NOT your fault and it sound like you have responded to your sons needs. When there are demand avoidance issues it's incredibly difficult!!! Current 10 yr old is approaching puberty and that's mad everything worse. Heightened the anxiety and made the demand avoidance far worse! The only way I've found to educate them is unschooling, autonomous learning led by them.

Just to say you sound like such a great mum OP, your son's lucky to have you there ready to fight his corner!

You've seen two other kids through this stuff easily so you know deep down its not your fault, but that would probably be easier to accept than the alternative - that his brain's a bit different from most people, he doesn't experience the world the same way, and things will be tougher for him than most people. And thats where you come in as his safe place, that's a huge load on you but lucky for him that he has someone.

I too have a child that sounds like yours. He has been diagnosed with ASD and sensory processing disorder but I suspect there is some level of PDA and ADHD there too. He is extremely jealous/demanding of me and my time, which I do feel is my own doing as he is an only child and I have always given him my full attention.

But he is also anxious, unconfident & scared of new things (food, people, experiences) - despite DH and I raising him with encouragement, praise, support and a wide range of new experiences. It's nothing we've done - it's how he is.

We've also had professionals tell us he was manipulative, he was only just 4 at the time and I felt it was a nasty thing to say about a small child. He isn't, he is just displaying his autistic traits. There is nothing wrong with your parenting - SEN kids are complicated and it's just how he is, it's not what you have made him. His school just don't know how to deal with him, which sadly is very common.

@Porridgeoat we are in Lancashire.
Its the school with the highest number of sen i the area but lowest number of ehcp. It is supposed be the school that has the most experienced teachers in the area of sen.

@onlyreadingneverposting8, @Oxyiz and @cindyloohoo thank you for your kind supportive posts. I do know deep down that it can't be me ita hard to keep that in perspective when they have accused me of trying to increase needa for money and saying i give him his laxido wrong so he soils and wets in school on purpose even when medical professionals told them over and over agian that wasn't the case and that we were working with them and doing exactly what our son needed. They also put a referal into social services saying that we were damaging him SS did a assessment and found that this wasn't true.