How do I give less without appearing mean.

[Toddlerteaplease]

Colleagues 0 birthday. We get on well but I wouldn't say we were particular friends. Another colleague has asked for £30 from all of us. I wouldn't normally spend that much on my own family. We just don't do that. Everyone else is agreeing with the amount. How do I not give that but not seem mean?

Birthday girl is lovely and really makes me laugh.

I have the same landmark next year. And can guarantee that I will not get as much fuss made.

I think I'd say that it's not fair to do this for one colleague and not all and at £30 every time it makes this too expensive. Someone has to be brave and say no.

Have you asked what they are buying as a gift?
Plus you can't do it for one and not others and expect them
to chip in.

I've found out what gift it is. It's a great idea. But I'm sure there are cheaper versions available. I am apparently not the only one who won't be donating £30. So I think I'll shove in a tenner.

I agree with everyone that £30 is ridiculous and a fiver is fine. Or £10 if you adore her.

£30?
£5 or £10 max is more than enough.
Who comes up with these stupid ideas?

😱😱

Just tell them straight what you just said.

You don't spend that much on your own family so you're not going to spend it on a colleague.

It was another colleagues 60th recently and no fuss was made of that!

That's what you mention, then. I agree with the PP who said how upsetting that must be for her, getting nothing whatsoever for her own landmark and then being asked for £30 for somebody else's. You say you know they won't make so much effort for your own big birthday. Aside from £30 being far too much in the first place, it absolutely has to be the same for everybody (unless they've specifically opted out or are nasty to everybody).

I wonder if the person organising it is playing the long game here. Does she have a big special birthday of her own coming up? And is she very good friends with the current birthday girl? Suddenly expecting £30 from everybody for her own birthday would be too obvious, but if she sets the benchmark for the birthday before hers, then benefits from the new 'going rate', and then, once she's had her bumper pay-out, tells everybody before the next one that she's had feedback that they can't afford/don't want to pay £30 each time, so it's now back to a fiver or a tenner. Of course, she wanted to give £30, to make it really special, but it's the others who are too mean to do it....

If she springs the old "But I've already bought the present for her on behalf of us all", don't let her guilt you into paying. That's entirely her problem for not checking everybody's budget beforehand - she doesn't get to dictate it.

Also, I'm not saying that she will, but it's far from unheard of in similar circumstances for the organiser to bank on other folk not adding up the total collected and to pocket some for themselves. Especially if you buy bespoke/engraved jewellery or something where the price isn't necessarily readily known. A present costing, say, £360 would obviously look like a substantial, expensive gift bought by pooling everybody's contributions, but would still leave a handy £150 'unaccounted for'.

For all you know, she might even have her own side business (or a family member has) selling what she's planning to buy, so that could be another motive.

By the way, even if your colleagues do think that you've got more money than they have, because you're single - and if anything, single people usually have less money than those with a spouse/partner and two wages coming in to pay for many of the house bills which are far less than double what a single person has to pay - what right do they think they have to dictate what you do with your money?

Even if you were loaded (assuming it's all earned and/or obtained legally), it's none of their business how you set your own arbitrary budgets. It would only be unacceptable if you expected £30 spent on you but refused to pay it for everybody else - but that clearly isn't the case.