What makes some people 'doers'?

[Echobelly]

Bear with me on this one.... I sometimes wonder how some people are so good at getting off their arses and doing big stuff, stuff I just couldn't begin to imagine doing.

For example, a chance encounter on a holiday inspired my bro-in-law and his wife to start an amazing charity still going to this day, funding a massive project in another country. I can imagine if I'd had that encounter I'd have been 'Oh, it would be nice to do something about that', but I'd never think what, let actually get round to doing anything.

Or starting a business - I can't imagine how people start anything beyond a simple freelancing one-person type thing. I mean, sometimes I've had an idea that I supposed might make a business, but I would have no idea how to start, I probably wouldn't have any useful contacts (in my case I also hate risk, uncertainty, long hours and debt, so I was never going to have my own business!). How do people do that?

I accept I will never be a 'doer', and I massively admire those who are, but I wonder what it is that makes some people that way?

I am not brave or a risk takes but I would say I am a doer. I like to achieve. I think it comes a bit from low self esteem when I was younger. Also low income family and poor environment. I just wanted to do better for myself so I worked hard and got qualifications that probably was never expected from me. Own a large luxury home after growing up in one of the worst council estates. My mother is very much the opposite to me. I don't want to be like that. I want to work hard and be a good person.

southern he needs one of us!

I think being easily satisfied and generally happy stops you being a doer.

@Biscuit0110 - thank you. I am starting again now I have the time. Still working at the moment through covid, but do have more time that I'm using to make and be creative.

Oh and came back to add, I had lots of 'adventures' in my 20s, travelling and working abroad etc, but never made the most of opportunities, even when offered them. Due to lack of confidence and self-belief.

need good luck!! Expect to succeed this time, not fail. You can do it!! Your work will be all the more interesting because of your life, not in spite of it.

To the posters with ADHD, assuming you are female, would you mind describing how your ADHD presented when you were between 10-15 years?

It's only tangentially related to op but some posters have described it as a 'superpower' and I wondered what the benefits and disadvantages were for you as a young teen. I don't want to derail and might start a separate thread. I suspect dd 10 has a form of ADHD or ASD, very 'high functioning' though.

Upbringing has a lot to do with it I believe. DH and I grew up on busy farms where you helped for 12 hours a day. My kids get up at a reasonable hour, have to ride etc. Our farm is v small so there is less to do. But helping is not optional.

DSC's mum is not a doer. It shows in the kids. One is a total ostrich and it makes her miserable. They'll do what's asked/told but are not natural doers. They're missing that initial spark.

This thread is fascinating. I so wish I was a doer but I'm not, and lockdown has proven that to me. How can I so desperately want to sort out my home, but it's still chaos?!

My husband is a 'do-er' although not in the sense of setting up a business, etc. but he does not sit still when at home. He had 3 days off last week and cracked on with DIY, built various items for the garden, went hiking every day, did all the supermarket shopping, etc.

Whereas I like to keep busy (exercise, cleaning, shopping, sorting the kids out, seeing friends - obviously some of these are post-lockdown!) but not to his extent. I can't imagine sitting watching TV during the day for example, but am happy to watch a film in the evening. DH just finds this boring and there must be somethung else that needs doing... not at 9pm there isn't!

bubble I am not sure if I had ADHD, it was not even known back then, but I guess yes I was completely 'normal' if that is a word, until preteen. It was then that I changed completely and forever.

I could never describe it as a superpower, more of an intense desire to do things. This was dangerous as teen. The risk taking is a problem. I would encourage you to put some very careful boundaries around your dd, but not so obvious that you will cause her to rebel. But you need to get this right from the very beginning. The 14-17 age bracket was hairy for all of us to put it mildly, with some careful thought and some proper strategies you can avoid much of it.

Personally as a teen I needed high adrenalin sports, drama workshops, creative outlets, sports and more sports, if you are able to afford it - travelling will quench some of the need to be doing new things. Try and use the energy constructively where possible, so you do not find her slipping into a more risky setting. You will need to monitor her more than other teens (this is for her own good) keep a non judgemental door open so she can tell you when things go wrong (and they will) and it is vital that you are there occasionally to pick up the pieces, try to do so without hurting her further. I would consider contraception once she is old enough, even though you may hate the idea. Confronting the prospect of her needing to break free, and allowing her some freedom so she can be herself but keep an eye on things from a distance.

Know she will manage herself much better as she moves in adulthood (in the main!) and love her for who she is, celebrate her character or she come to hate herself.

Can I ask what you see in your dd that makes you think she may have ADHD or similar? It is harder to spot in girls.

Biscuit0110 thank you (un-mumsnettie xxx)

The things I see (but prob for another thread so apologies OP)

Speaks and acts before she thinks when in an exciting or new social situation.

Very competitive as she gets carried away with the activity but a friendly and supportive 'loser'.

Tends to be disorganised but works well when a structure is set

Complete 'can do' and 'up for it' attitude - happy to join any group but doesn't then easily make close friends as she is more interested in the activities then the people.

Has been walking, cycling and running fast (!) from a very young age

However struggles with swimming as it requires more coordination

Not easily angered, very forgiving but very easily bored.

Also tends to be bored with people so doesn't make the best effort to make friends - has few friends, none close

Has a slightly 'superior' tone and behaviour towards teachers or grown ups she doesn't respect (I struggle so much with this and am working on it, it's hard!) but wants to please the teachers she likes.

Sunny disposition as opposed to ds but often doesn't pay attention what is being said

Doesn't listen to instructions, wants to work it all out by herself. Instructions bore her.

Her spoken language is no match to her writing and other academic abilities.

Attention seeking in groups

Confident in her abilities but a bit insecure socially, not shy though.

Issues with spatial awareness, gets up too close a bit clumsy soically

over confident mostly, not easily stressed but she also knows she is not popular and this makes her a bit sad.

Tricky mix for me to get right in terms of being supportive but also setting boundaries.

This thread is fascinating. I so wish I was a doer but I'm not, and lockdown has proven that to me. How can I so desperately want to sort out my home, but it's still chaos?!

Set yourself one tiny task to do at a time. It could just be sorting out one drawer or picking out some things out for one charity bag. Or instead of cleaning the whole bathroom and kitchen on one day just do one small area, one sink for example. Play some music you like whilst you do it. Then treat yourself with something you love doing.

Marking my place to read more about this as I’d like to be more like this. I get things done but always last minute. I want to have that spark ‘here is what I need to do and here I am doing it’.
I’m on a committee with someone who is like this. We had a meeting, agreed actions and he’d done all of his and updated everyone before I’d even got home.

I have had phases of my life when I am less of a 'doer' - mostly when I have had a stressful job that takes up all my life and energy. I have been far more productive in periods when work and life have been in a better balance.

I am quite good at doing several things at once: I currently work, freelance and have started a PhD. However, I am not naturally a completer/finisher and find it best when there is some form of external deadline or structure. I have loads of other ideas for projects/businesses/initiatives, but have to try to rein myself in and keep focused on what is most important.

On the other hand, if you have an idea for a business my advice is not to spend years talking about it and writing business plans. Just start in a very small way - put up a poster, advertise it online - to see if there is any interest. If there are no enquiries, stop. If there is interest, get more serious. I think 'The Apprentice' has been quite good at showing people what is possible in that way.

I have a very low boredom threshold, I essentially have to be doing something all the time, the thought of relaxing and doing nothing is awful.

I’m a natural doer, when I became a parent some people were like “well you can’t do x, or z” well I still do, I just either take my son with me or do it at a slightly different time.

What I’m doing isn’t necessarily what other people would find worthy/useful.

During normal times my week looks pretty much like this
6am exercise for an hour
7am shower
7:15 get my little boy up and ready for school/the day ahead
8:15 leave to get to work/school
12:45 lunch break, two days a week this means going for a 5k run, quick shower and back to work
4:45 pick up son from after school club
5:00 go to the park and play for about 40 minutes, I tend to jog while my son does that or at least do something active
6:00 cook dinner eat and then play together
7:15 son is bathed and in bed
7:30 weights for 45 minutes
8:30 piano or switch
9:30ish WFH for a bit
11:30 daily exercise challenge (the ones where you do for example press ups everyday and add one everyday until you get to a 100).
12:00 read for a little bit before going to sleep.

That’s an at home day, Tuesday is rugby training for me and dance for my son.

Friday (don’t usually work it) 10k run, gym then get home and play some switch while I wait for my boyfriend to wake up.
Saturday son is at rugby tots and I’m at rugby training, then we walk to the park, go to lunch, back to the park before walking home. We don’t usually get home until around 5pm. Sunday is similar apart from it being gym for me and 1:1 swimming for my son.

When things eventually get back to normal I’m going to be taking over a friends Rugby Tots franchise, so that will be Saturday and Sunday.

I can’t sit and do nothing, at the same time doing one thing bores me, mt attention span is shocking.

Write that book, trek to those mountains, live every day as your last and all that folks

God no! I'd rather read a book than write one, wander in a forest than flog myself up a mountain and live each day as if it were my first

You doers can knock yourself out doing - I'll sit here and have a cappuccino and a bit of a think.

For me I’m happy to admit I’m a little bit lazy and a procrastinator, I’ve had periods of depression in the past and then I lacked get up and go. My parents are ‘doers’ they don’t like sitting, my Mum in particular never likes to sit and relax. She’s always cleaning and fussing.

It’s also anxiety with me. All the ‘what-ifs’ and just having no confidence in my ability. I feel helpless about things which don’t phase other people. I can’t imagine painting a room for example and other people just seem able to get on with it. I would spend days reading or watching videos about how to do it and get overwhelmed. It just seems beyond me. The same with learning to drive. I’m desperate to do it but it just doesn’t seem possible for me.

6:00 cook dinner eat and then play together
7:15 son is bathed and in bed

I’m a bit in awe and don’t know how this would work. In my house dinner, eating, washing up, shower etc. would take so much longer than this.

@DarkDarkNight I don’t clean/tidy the kitchen until he’s gone to bed/in a panic the next morning. I rarely make anything that takes more than 15 minutes to cook, if I do I make loads so the left overs can be zapped the next day.

Definitely not meaning to derail the thread (sorry op)bubble

I have also a possible ADHD girl (age 11) and I am massively struggling to parent her. I have considered and researched the options, and even called the helpline to discuss with them where on earth I go from here. I cried, and cried because for me, my early life living with this was really really hard. I had no idea why I was different. As I got older, I became organised, thoughtful and slowed down to allow myself to catch up. It was only then I could see it as a blessing, being able to achieve so much - it has made me who I am today.

So thinking about girls and ADHD - which I think is different from 'doers' slightly but they do cross over certainly.
There is not a great deal of support I have found, nor information. I decided after all my research, not to do anything but quietly support her - there is no way she is going on medication, she isn't that bad. And really, what can she do with a label?? We have acknowledged that she is 'fizzy' and we call it that, because I would rather she did not see it as a curse or something bad when she does in fact bring so much joy!

It is obvious in my dd because:

She never stops moving
She talks so quickly
She taps and moves, and fidgets when sitting down
She can not go straight to sleep, she can be up for hours and hours as she can not turn off her brain (her words not mine)
She lacks concentration
She is highly creative and can make and do anything in five minutes
She is very intelligent but struggles to follow instruction
She loses her temper in a heartbeat, and lashes out before being sorry
She does not think before she speaks
She gets angry very quickly and loses patience with anything that takes too long
She is a ball of energy morning, noon and night
She sparkles from the inside out, her energy can be seen clearly in her eyes and smile. It draws friends but she sometimes loses close friends but she does not know why (I think I do)

It is hard for them in the early years. I have NOT found it easy. I struggle with knowing how to cope sometimes, but it will pass as they learn how to manage themselves better.

Buy 123 magic, it is a great book full of tips on how to cope as a parent!

It must have something to do with having high levels of motivation. I'm not sure what causes motivation though. Intelligence perhaps?

I'm a doer when it comes to a couple of the big things mentioned on this thread like moving overseas and big life changes like that. But I lack discipline with the details and am constantly behind on my life admin so definitely not good with things like that. I think big things are easier in a sense because they're exciting but the smaller day-to-day stuff is really hard for me to get motivation to do. The people I consider to be doers have a lot of discipline and focus and that's how they become successful.

On the back of this thread, I kicked myself up the arse and applied for a new job. I saw the ad last week and have been procrastinating ever since.

Good luck @Redcrayons!