How to avoid interrupting people with questions or comments before they've finished speaking?

[JungleRaisin]

I always do this. Whenever someone is talking, I always impulsively interrupt to ask questions (if I feel an important detail is missing) or to add a comment (to make me seem engaged in what they're saying).

Most people talk fairly slowly with pauses which often makes me wrongly assume they've finished talking and I come across very intense and rude.

Another reason is that I am almost terrified that they'll get to the end of what they want to say and I won't have prepared what I want to say back so I start prepping my response in my head whilst they're talking and then worry I'll forget my response so just blurt it out before they're done talking. I am a very erratic, "quick" person (i.e. extremely quick in walking, speaking, thinking, typing, running) as my concept of time is very distorted - a 2 second pause feels like a minute silence to me.

Any advice? I'm glad I'm conscious of it at least but still finding it soo hard to not to do it due to the reasons above!

No advice but watching as I do the same!

Watching with interest.

Silence brings me insecurity and I don’t know why

If you realise you've started doing it, stop yourself, apologise and ask them to please finish.

If you are on the phone, can't you write down a word or point as a prompt for yourself and wait till they have actually stopped talking?

If you are aware you are doing this, surely you need to take a breath and give them to the time to finish their own sentence whilst listening to them?

How do you feel when people interrupt you speaking?

I do this

In my mature days I have learnt to apologise and ask them to go on , repeating the last bit of sentence they were saying. I think it helps to get them back to it and demonstrates that I was listening.

I do feel interrupting out of interest is different to just waiting for the chance to speak on your own behalf again.

I honestly welcome interruptions and an usually happy to follow whatever thread that takes us down. I have learnt that most people are disrupted by interruptions.

I guess I also freak out that an important detail is missing so I'm not going to be able to understanding the whole thing so feel I have to interrupt and ask there and then (this is more for technical explanations at work though)

I do this too and have tried to stop. No advice but it’s annoying for me and others.

I am a bit like this - partly because I am a detail person so eg if i need to visualise what my dp is saying I will ask eg ‘on the left going up or going down?’ Until I know that I can’t follow what’s being said. Always my poor dp. I don’t do this so much with others.
Because I do this I also expect and welcome interruptions if it helps someone listening to me (bore on).

Remedy? I do sometimes try hard to listen without doing this. I don’t remember to try all of the time.

Stop being so self-obsessed. Insecurity, shyness, social awkwardness — whatever it is that has you planning your reply instead of just listening to the person talking, the effect on them, unless they know you well, is much the same as if you were too arrogant to pay them attention and just wanted to hear your own voice.

Everyone doesn’t go at your pace (and it’s strange that you emphasise how much quicker you are than everyone else at walking, speaking, thinking, yet you’s so slow at thinking up a remark that you need to start preparing your reply long before the other person has stopped speaking?)

A nod and eye contact is a far better method of showing you are engaged than interrupting. If you absolutely have to say something, ‘Oh, really?’ or ‘Yes, I can imagine’ are brief and obviously phatic.

I do this but I do have aspergers. I never know when to chip in.

You ARE so slow, apologies.

@Crowbarred Yeah I know it's a bit of a paradox. Despite objectively knowing I'm very fast (being fast happens because I think normal pace is very slow - I've got a distorted view on time) so I always think I'd take a long time to formulate a response (it's a weird viscous cycle that's hard to explain)

It's really irritating when you can see people "holding" a question instead of listening to you when you speak. Like they've checked out because what they want to say is more important than listening to you. Good luck OP and everyone else who seems inflicted with this.

It could be an ADHD symptom. Or anxiety.

If it is a technical explanation at work, wait until the end and then say "OK, I think this is what you just told me, correct me if I am wrong." Then explain it back to them. People usually like this. You pick up the gaps on the second pass.

If it is a social conversation stop preparing things to say! Learn about "active listening" At most make a mental note of when their eyes lit up or they seemed excited in some way, to refer back to later. Have a goal of keeping them talking about things they are interested in, not a goal of telling them about yourself, certainly never pick at their facts.

Have a list of phrases that you can pick off and use if you are stuck for something to say.

I like:
Go on..
Really?
Why was that do you think?
How odd, what was that all about?
How do/did you feel about that?
What next then?
What does everybody else think
If they mentioned another person:
What do you think was going on with Bob?
What's Bob doing at the moment?

I am a very fast thinker. I take active steps to slow myself down. Being too fast leads to stumbling. Like misspelling vicious as viscous.

Recognise that going too fast is a flaw not a good trait. You can actively train yourself out of it.

In conversation it is usually better to be too slow than too fast to react. Take a breath. Repeat a phrase to yourself before speaking. A good one is "two ears, two eyes, one mouth".

Also, consider the goal of the conversation. Is it to cement a friendship, make someone else feel at ease, demonstrate knowledge of something, teach, have a laugh, get to know someone so you can interact better with them in future?

Any advice? I'm glad I'm conscious of it at least but still finding it soo hard to not to do it due to the reasons above!

Yes! I know one tip that will work better than any other to cure you!

Preface every conversation with "I have noticed I am a terrible one for interrupting. I am trying to break the habit. If I interrupt you please point it out and tell me off! I won't take offence, I am finding it super hard to break the habit. Do you mind doing that to help me?"

Then have as many conversations as possible with as many different types of people as possible. Do not avoid sloppy thinkers and people who talk shite.

When someone gives you the nod that you just interrupted, stop speaking immediately even mid-sentence, mid-word, mid-idea, even if you think you did not interrupt or interruption was valid. Look sheepish, wince a little and with your mouth firmly shut nod or hand wave to indicate please go on. Then use body language and non-word verbalisations (uh-huh, ooh, etc) to show you are listening.

Another good training tip is a good game of Louis Theroux. It's best if you can get a friend to do it with you. You start by binge watching Louis. Then you do your best impersonation of him in every human interaction. Before you make a facial expression or make a sound think "What would Louis do?" He is a master of saying the minimum to get the maximum. He is a genius. All his subjects love him even if his documentary on them were not flattering. Study the master.

It is more fun with friend because you can compare notes laughing your heads off about your total fails. "Louis would never have said that!" The you binge watch more Louis to get more ideas, to learn tips and tricks, to know what good looks like.

There’s a book about that. About how to listen more effectively. It’s by Kate Murphy and is called You’re Not Listening. In case the link doesn’t work. I found it useful. Need to read it again though

www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Listening-Missing-Matters/dp/1787300951/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I do this, it's because I'm dyspraxic and have really poor memory, if I don't ask in that moment I will have forgotten before they finish the sentence.

In work settings I always write my questions down as people are talking. In personal situations I just ask and people are used to me

Torktorkbam that Louis Theroux trick is amazing. He NEVER interrupts! I am going to try it.

The OP isn't being arrogant when she says she does thinks/thinks things quickly- I am exactly the same and I definitely don't think it's a boasting thing at all, if anything it's frustrating. I am very impulsive and have to reign myself in a lot with rash decisions.

I work in education and my boss is convinced I have undiagnosed adhd. I can see some of the things I do in the children we work with too. I don't know if it would be beneficial or not to get a diagnosis as an adult though which is why have never pursued it.

Thanks so far everyone and for the useful tips @TorkTorkBam

I saw it auto-correct my attempt at spelling vicious into viscous and thought "hmm that doesn't look quite right" but my impatience took hold and thought who cares and posted it anyway. Sometimes my perfectionism dominates and I would be overly bothered when I've missed a full-stop and at other times my impulsiveness takes over. It's exhausting being me.

@bettybea Thank you. I'm glad you understand what I mean. I did wonder if I was going to get hate for being considered boastful about considering myself fast but I thought as my problem that I created this thread about stems from being fast, people would hopefully see it was just to add more detail into who I am and why I do it so the solutions can be a little tailored. I'm glad you got that :)

Before you make a facial expression or make a sound think "What would Louis do?" He is a master of saying the minimum to get the maximum. He is a genius. All his subjects love him even if his documentary on them were not flattering.

@TorkTorkBam This is fucking genius!

And you know why people say they like Louis Theroux even if he's made them look bad? It's because he listens. He really, really listens.

So when you get stuff like this from your OP:

Another reason is that I am almost terrified that they'll get to the end of what they want to say and I won't have prepared what I want to say back so I start prepping my response in my head whilst they're talking and then worry I'll forget my response so just blurt it out before they're done talking.

This isn't real listening. This is (sorry OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way) almost a game of one-upmanship, almost like a competition to see who gets to speak next. Sorry OP I know you don't mean for it to look like that, but to the person on the receiving end, it basically comes across as if you believe that whatever you've got to say is more important than what the other person is saying.

A good way to think of it is to ask yourself, am I really that important or is my opinion really that important, is it really needed that badly? If, when the person has finished speaking, you've forgotten what it is that you wanted to say, then it probably wasn't that important anyway.

I used to be like this many years ago but got myself out of the habit by convincing myself I'm not as important as all that.

You need to practice mindful listening. There are lots of YouTube resources to help. Concentrate entirely on what the other person is saying and be fully engaged. When you do this you will know what to say when your turn comes because you will have really heard what they said. And as a PP pointed out, what you were queueing up to say may not be relevant after all.