How to avoid interrupting people with questions or comments before they've finished speaking?

[JungleRaisin]

I always do this. Whenever someone is talking, I always impulsively interrupt to ask questions (if I feel an important detail is missing) or to add a comment (to make me seem engaged in what they're saying).

Most people talk fairly slowly with pauses which often makes me wrongly assume they've finished talking and I come across very intense and rude.

Another reason is that I am almost terrified that they'll get to the end of what they want to say and I won't have prepared what I want to say back so I start prepping my response in my head whilst they're talking and then worry I'll forget my response so just blurt it out before they're done talking. I am a very erratic, "quick" person (i.e. extremely quick in walking, speaking, thinking, typing, running) as my concept of time is very distorted - a 2 second pause feels like a minute silence to me.

Any advice? I'm glad I'm conscious of it at least but still finding it soo hard to not to do it due to the reasons above!

I don't think this is as bad as some people make it out to be especially if it is a chat with family or friends. Conversations are at least two way and you saying something may remind me of something similar or related that I may have to tell you. If I was to wait for silence before I opened my mouth that would be very strange and would not have a natural flow to it.

Work conversations or meetings are different.

“But sometimes you do need to interrupt to have a ‘conversation’ rather than just listening to a very tedious monologue...”

This! I cannot stand it when someone will not get to the bloody point! Conversation is a back and forth so if one person just drones on and on, it’s not a conversation.

I'm afraid that I'm guilty of finishing people's sentences. In my head it shows that I'm listening and understand. In reality I expect that it's quite irritating.

I do this too, and I have ADHD (diagnosed / medicated).

I come from a family where we all do this, and when we're together it doesn't matter, as we are all at that fast rate, no one is feeling shut out etc.

I left me with habits, set from childhood onwards, which have been very hard to alter, and totally counterproductive everywhere apart from immediate family gatherings .

This thread is, I think, really useful in repeating the messages that rope like is need to,hear - recasting your quick thinking as hyperactivity is a very useful concept.

Fast thinking is only a good thing at times when cognition is required, it's not a strength in conversation. Let your brainpower show in what you say, because it really doesn't when the only thing it demonstrates is (antisocial) speed.

And I wish someone had told be that when I was 21 and entering the workforce. I wasn't going to be listened to much (because I was so new and so green) and I should not have tried to be heard by moving the idiosyncratic and pretty offputting family habits into that (or any other) setting. There is always a better way.

I still don't always get it right - it's a really hard bad habit to deal with.

I do this.
I think it's partly being the middle child - so a bit ignored between the
older sibling and spoilt youngest.
DH is an arrogant twat on occasions so if I don't butt in he will honour me with his long winded opinion then wander off as he has no interest in mine
Also I think things through a lot. Why do they do this/that, why does the river flood at that particular point, why do arseholes peep their horns at you, because they have an extreme inferiority complex so making a loud noise with their horn which discomfits others makes them feel powerful - I have loads of pretty good reasons. So when the opportunity arises I want to tell people.
I'm pretty fidgety too.

I'm finding this thread really useful as I have always been ashamed that I do this too - and I can't seem to stop. Glad someone else raised it.

I agree with the inferiority complex bit.

That's why I've enjoyed reading all the positive tips on this thread. It's much better than just being condemned for twattishness

You sound like a friend of DC's who has very pronounced ADHD. We are all fodn of him but he constantly interrupts, fires quite aggressive sounding questions at people and is generally very frenetic.

If it's this much of a problem get tested for ADHD and try ritalin. If it's not, that Louis Theroux advice is brilliant.

I could be wrong but I think another thing Louis Theroux does is hold people's eyes, so he is looking at them speak then when they stop he is looking in their eyes. Not sure I could do that. But it makes it more intimate I think. It must also make the person feel heard I would think.

I read about a tip for talking to teenage boys (applies to men to sometimes) is to just make the statement. 'How was school'/ 'Did you hand in your homework'/ 'How is whoever'? And then wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. And eventually they will answer. The temptation is to jump in to encourage an answer - How was school.......... were you on time today..........do you have revision etc etc. No just one phrase and stop.

I do this, following.

I do this a lot aswell. I know it's a problem.

Thanks for the replies everyone so far

I do this - really interesting thread

My family are also one of those where everyone talks over each other or you would never get a word in - DH hates it

I did do some active listening training which really helped and on calls I do make notes to come back to things I need to say and put by it what the other person said to trigger it. Then I can go back and say 'Fred, with regard to the process for X would it be possible to....'

Definitely agree delay on zoom makes it harder!

In real life conversations it's sometimes hard to define when people are pausing before carrying on or if they are finished. Everyone seems to have different lengths of pause!

Very helpful to know how many people this affects and apologies to everyone I've ever interrupted - I really don't mean to be rude

Off to binge watch Louis now...

I have a friend that should be looking here! On the rare occasions she asks how I am , I get as far as (Me) "Well ok, but my leg......
Her "Well my leg nealry fell off.... (slight exaggeration but you get the picture) I then would have to hear how she told the guy in the fish and chip shop. the bloke in the corner shop, the guy in Sainsbury's , a bloke up the street, the neighbours, her best friend, another friend etc etc etc all about it.

Omg deathray I was like that when younger. You know the maddest thing? I genuinely thought that's how you have a conversation. They say something and you trawl up a similar experience and tell them. I thought I was being empathetic. FFS. I was a social moron.

As they were speaking I would be distracted finding the way to make it All About Me or My Friend and then desperate to tell the All About Me or My Friend story. FFS. Anyway, my social ease (and party invitations) increased tenfold when I stopped doing this.

It was surprisingly easy because it was such a big shift (easier than a small shift). I now have a deliberate policy of keeping the other people talking. All my words are designed to fuel them until they ask me a direct question. Then I speak as me but am careful to bring it back round to them with a question before long. That's a normal conversation!

Fortunately my past means that if Boring Bert witters on for bloody ever about cricket / how I should organise my desk / whether he likes chicken or whatever then I have no trouble shutting the fucker down. This also increases my popularity.

I just thought of this thread after a chat to a dear friend who is a terrible interrupter. I was highly attuned and thus pissed off due to this thread.

She is the type who has to jump in with unrequested advice aka You Are A Moron So I Will Help You type of person.

I had a little whinge about the queue at the grocers yesterday. She interrupted me to give me advice on buying vegetables. FFS woman. I am a middle aged woman, former rocket scientist, who is a good cook and has a household of five. I have the brain power and experience to work out how to buy veg thanks. If I need advice on a specific issue I will ask for it.

Yes I know I can use onions instead of leeks. Yes I know Tesco sells leeks. Yes I know the queue is different at other hours. Yes I know how to find out when the queue is shorter. Yes I know I can preorder. Yes I know I can buy too many and freeze some. Aaargh.

I wouldn't have minded if she'd waited for me to give the cue for her to speak by me asking a question and that question had been "Do you know if Waitrose has good stocks of veg at the moment?" or similar. In reality my question would have been "Well that's my petty lockdown first world problem whinge done. Want to get one of yours off your chest?"

Anyway, I was left thinking FFS Kate not real name do you think I am an absolute fuckwit? You must if you are desperate to talk over me to share such "insights"

What type of interrupter are you guys?

I'm an interrupter as well. I know it's rude and hate myself for doing it. I always apologise as soon as I realise that I'm butting in before someone's finished. Phonecalls are worse than face to face conversations because it's even harder to judge when someone's finished.

For me, it's probably linked to my autism.

I do this it's my upbringing.
In my family everyone talks at the same time and are waiting to say 'their bit' and it's a very hard habit to overcome.

When DH met them he found it overwhelming and he still finds it difficult.

With friends etc I have plenty and am the one who always gets everyone out for drinks etc and seem to be well liked so that side is fine. Some quieter people like others who do the conversational jolly stuff.

I'm very laughy and smiley so that probably helps.

One of the reasons as well is that I get excited it's a 'yes yes yes!' type thing which is also not all bad as enthusiasm is generally a good thing!

It is a problem in work meetings and I work hard to STFU and not steamroller everyone.

So all in all its a mixed bag. Both talkers and listeners have their own strengths, it's only the extreme ends which can be difficult, it takes all sorts etc etc

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself Op.
It's possible that your social anxiety is causing you to replay conversations in your head in a bad light and you're perhaps dwelling too much: oh god cringe, did I annoy them by asking questions? are they irritated by me? did I talk too much? and so on.

Have you had a lot of negative feedback on this? Who has told you you're irritating and interrupt all the time?

As long as you listen as well, I think it's fine to show interest in what someone's saying by asking questions. The main things to avoid are turning all conversations back to you, derailing a person or talking over them.

Maybe drink less coffee too and practice some deep breathing though
You sound alright to me.