How to avoid interrupting people with questions or comments before they've finished speaking?

[JungleRaisin]

I always do this. Whenever someone is talking, I always impulsively interrupt to ask questions (if I feel an important detail is missing) or to add a comment (to make me seem engaged in what they're saying).

Most people talk fairly slowly with pauses which often makes me wrongly assume they've finished talking and I come across very intense and rude.

Another reason is that I am almost terrified that they'll get to the end of what they want to say and I won't have prepared what I want to say back so I start prepping my response in my head whilst they're talking and then worry I'll forget my response so just blurt it out before they're done talking. I am a very erratic, "quick" person (i.e. extremely quick in walking, speaking, thinking, typing, running) as my concept of time is very distorted - a 2 second pause feels like a minute silence to me.

Any advice? I'm glad I'm conscious of it at least but still finding it soo hard to not to do it due to the reasons above!

Maybe don't describe yourself as fast in regards to mental abilities. That implies it is a positive, maybe even a brag, when in fact you are describing a flaw. Try describing yourself, say, as hyperactive

Same for the word perfectionist
Substitute with can't cope with making mistakes

Thanks so far everyone. I guess every human trait has a positive and negative side to it (especially if taken to its extreme) such as stubbornness: means you might be determined, ambitious etc but also may mean you will not compromise.

Same with ‘fast’ - in a lot of ways I’ve been glad to be fast - means I have a lot of time to spare and can learn more etc. but also means I don’t have patience, I seem erratic and put myself through a lot of stress by overworking myself.

I am firm; YOU are obstinate; HE is a pig-headed fool.

• Bertrand Russell

When seeking help with a problem where some factors can be spun either way, it is usually sensible to spin them then negative way.

For example if you need help reducing your working hours don't describe yourself as a perfectionist, describe yourself as having issues with anyone seeing you make a mistake.

That way, the other people will come back with ways to tackle that failing while also pointing out the positive side of that trait. Then the whole interaction is a lot nicer and is more productive for everyone.

Start off as if you think the flaw is a positive then right from the off the other people will feel the need to set you straight on your flaws and will maybe even think you a bit of an arrogant fool. You've thus placed yourself into the knock down zone instead of the build up zone.

@JungleRaisin has someone told you that you do this?

I do this too and my boss has repeatedly told me how annoying it is. Sometimes I am trying to stop him talking bollocks though 🤷🏻‍♀️. It is a terrible habit I do need to work on it particularly as I work mostly with men who don't want to hear what women have to say anyway (whole other thread...!)

I do this and have been trying to rein myself in. I have a big post it note on my desk that says ‘don’t interrupt!’ on it. It works but working from home has brought it back and I’m now trying to stop it again.

Also, less is more and owning your problem matters

For example, your thread title is long and depersonalised. What you meant was "Help me stop interrupting people?"

Your opening post could have been "I have realised I interrupt people a lot and it seriously pisses them off but I can't stop myself doing it. Can anyone help?"

Then people will come back with questions to help diagnose the root cause. Others will tell you their stories, which may or may not be relevant. You are unlikely to piss off many people.

Obvs it is MN so there will be some poor sap who lives with the world's worst interrupter and who will thus be massively triggered by your post and will call you the world's worst dickhead and tell you to just stop right now

Your opening post reads as if you don't really believe it is that bad a problem, or at least that you consider yourself a better "faster" thinker than others and this is an unfortunate inevitable side effect. Chances are you have misdiagnosed the problem and you have thus sidetracked people into having to point it out. Or you have made people switch off and not engage because it seems you are not genuinely seeking ideas so they decide they can't be arsed.

I struggle with group conversation for this and just end up feeling like a spectator at the Wimbledon mixed doubles final, and don't end up saying much even though there was plenty I could say.

I do have auditory processing issues and suspect dyspraxia, especially since DS's diagnosis and that of several of my cousins.

Zoom is fucking awful for it.

@BogRollBOGOF Zoom is the absolute worst for this because it has about a second of delay, so if someone interrupts then it really does result that nobody can hear anyone. There's a certain family member of mine who really needs to STFU. I actually had to tell them very firmly the other day to STOP TALKING. I know it's a new thing for a lot of us but I've learned that you really do have to behave slightly differently with online chats, precisely because of the delay. There really does need to be only one person speaking at a time, otherwise there's no point. Most of the rest of us have passed this learning curve now but this particular person hasn't and they're really pissing me off.

OP, have you had any online meetings? How's it been for you?

@TorkTorkBam thanks so much. I'm going to get WWLD tattooed on my forearm.

I do this - I think very fast at almost simultaneous tangents, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD. But I think that lots of ADHD indications could also be anxiety - so @DrinkFeckArseGirls I'd be really interested to hear more detail if you have any.

Jungle do you have anxiety at all? I've been medicated for it for my entire adult life, however I am starting to think maybe a lot of it is ADHD type symptoms that come across as anxiety. Or both!

Thanks a lot so far for all your helpful insight. So unfair that some people have a natural knack for it that they can do it since they were born and others have to actively practice it so always worried I’ll revert back if I don’t consciously control myself in each convo.

Yes I do have anxiety, particularly performance anxiety and ADHD tendencies for sure

My family background (mum's side) is one where everyone literally talks at once, all interrupting each other and where there are multiple conversations going on. My dad said the first time he met the family he had a headache because they all talked so much and over each other.

I interrupt and change the direction of conversation a lot. I don't mean to - my ex found it my most annoying trait apparently, but to me it's just the conversational flow. So he might start talking about lockdown for example, did I see the news item about X, and I'd say yes and then mention something else that I'd seen. Or if we were in the car and he was talking, I might interrupt to point something out. I have absolutely no issue with anyone interrupting me, or having 3 separate conversations going on at once, but I know it annoys people. However it's hard not to when it's something you've done all your life.

I do this too and I must try to rein it in but with some people I would die of old age otherwise before they ever reached the end of their tale. Some folk are so slow and have to divulge every irrelevant detail that I start to lose the thread altogether.

Vitreous - the thinking fast at simultaneous tangents echoes with me, thats something I've always done, it's how I juggle multiple topics (or indeed why I start them!) My ex said that was a key difference between us, he was more linear whereas I was diverting off at tangents all over the place. It's reassuring to hear of other people who do the same.

I really hate slow talkers who aren't very original and you've predicted what they're going to say 30 seconds before they finish saying it!

I think there’s something in focussing on the other person rather than yourself. As Crowbarred and squashyhat are suggesting.

Really interesting thread!

Raininsummer - I have a colleague like that, conference calls with him are torture. He goes on for ages. When you eventually interrupt him to try and move the discussion on he still goes back over and summarises what he's previously said even though he said it so slowly I could have transcribed his whole conversation in longhand I've not been on a call with him since lockdown thankfully!

My mum does this. In any conversation, she’s not actually listening - she’s planning what she will say next. In fact, I don’t really expect to have a discussion with her about anything, there’s no point. She’s not interested in what other people have to say. And tbh I don’t actually care if it’s because she’s a “fast» thinker. It makes everyone around her feel like crap, and we all avoid talking with her.

So if you can find a way not to do this, then go for it. My mum doesn’t acknowledge it’s a problem: for her, everyone else is too slow / wrong / etc and deserves to be sped up /corrected.

I do this and sometimes find I finish people's sentences for them too. It's like an impatience but I am honestly listening. It's like I'm trying to let them know I understand.

It is social anxiety for me definitely. I often forget what I wanted to say next which makes me even more anxious so I blurt it out mid conversation before I forget.

I am conscious about it, do worry about it but I'm sure I don't do it all the time, just mainly when I'm trying to get my point across about something, say in a meeting. But I'm not the most forthcoming person generally either, so I often think what the hell, its not like I take over a whole conversation or a meeting like some people do.

I try not to worry about it otherwise if I did, I probably wouldn't anything much at all.

I don't particularly do this but I'd far rarher have a conversation with an interrupter (particularly if it adds to the conversation) than someone who speaks really slowly in minute detail because they basically love the sound of their own voice.

@VitreousHumour it’s hard to separate things without the diagnosis, medication and hindsight. For me, I now realise that my anxiety (and previous depression) was a result of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. For some people they can be concurrent.

Or the non-listening/ second guessing what someone could say/ preparing the answer could be a just habit - once you realise you do something and then are able to fix it with willpower. However if it’s a symptom of a condition, willpower might not be enough.

Going back to your original question, I’d see what other symptoms are there and whether they point to anxiety or ADHD. Once you sort out the main issue and see if that helped, then you can gauge whether it was due to anxiety or ADHD. But in my laywoman opinion the non-active listening is ADHD.

I’m a big fan of a book by Peter Shankman “Faster than normal”. I knew I would have trouble reading it so I got the audio version on Audible

But sometimes you do need to interrupt to have a ‘conversation’ rather than just listening to a very tedious monologue... my neighbour never stops talking, she goes into minute detail about everything and doesn’t even pause for breath ... it is embarrassing as everyone just avoids her .... unfortunately I was next to her at the VE Street Party today .