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Had to rescue mum tonight (DV)

60 replies

LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 00:29

I really want my mum to leave my dad. She's disabled both are over 65. Tonight he attacked her and she snapped and hit him in the face. He's since been phoning saying she blinded him.

This has been ongoing for years. Along with mental abuse as well, he says the most despicable things and is the most controlling person I've ever met. As a child I had to call the police due to dvd (him attacking her).

I'm going to try and get her to speak to a divorce lawyer tomorrow. Please leave messages of support. She's had 45 years of this the worthlessness and being worn down. I so wish she would have the strength to leave. He's such a bastard

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 01/05/2020 00:31

So sorry for both you and your mum.
Would she come live with you?

LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 00:33

We don't have enough room here. She's staying now and is welcome for as long as she likes. But she has money and could buy somewhere

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 01/05/2020 00:34

Get her to Womens Aid. Get all of her bank details, paperwork. We'll done. It will be worth it.

LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 00:38

She can stay here. She is extremely vulnerable to Covid 19 so has been isolating

OP posts:
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 00:39

I feel terrible about dad. He's an arsehole but still my dad. I feel guilty and sad for him which is wrong I know

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 01/05/2020 00:40

He's chosen it. You don't have to disown him.

NotMyNigel · 01/05/2020 00:44

I agree, get her to call womens aid. They might be able to recommend a solicitor who has experience of DV cases.

Will any of her friends offer her moral support ?

Please don’t feel bad about your father, he chooses to behave like that and now he has to face the consequences.

Don’t talk to him on the phone it’s not your job to deal with him, you have enough on your plate.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/05/2020 00:50

Self defence....

Good luck mumlarkin. Ltb.

1forAll74 · 01/05/2020 01:28

This would be the Last Straw for your Mum I think, and good that she is with you right now. So sad that she has had all this abuse for many years, and let a man treat her so badly. You will now have more of a chance to talk things through with your Mother, and hopefully you can make her see, that she will have a better future without your Father.

Ginkypig · 01/05/2020 01:41

larkinthey mum

May I tell you about my grandmother. She is in her 70's now and spent her whole adult life with her husband.

She spent over 40 years with her husband, her plan even though it was bad (but in her head to cope it wasn't bad all the time) that hopefully he might die first and then she might have a couple of years of comfort before she died herself.
Except one day he attacked her and she finally called the police and us and we took it in turns to stay with her and the police helped her until she felt strong enough for that to be the last time.
They divorced and she eventually moved closer to her children and me and now has a lovely bungalow a few friends and hobbies, she even does a dance class!
She wears what she wants
She watches what she wants
She eats what she wants
She sleeps when she wants
She sees who she wants
She calls us whenever she wants
Infact she has absolute complete freedom.
she has never been happier

She says she can't believe she wasted so many years,
She can't believe that she might have missed out on a decade (plus how ever many more years she has) for a couple of years if she somehow had managed to outlive him.

She says she loved him and shared so many years with him that it's hard to see herself as separate but would never ever trade what she has now for what she had with him and deeply regrets that she didn't know earlier that this could have been her life.

Today could be the very first day of the best part of your life, good luck!

LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 07:23

Ginky. That sounds so similar. Mum was 14 when they met he was a bit older.

Just had a phone call from my sister he's in a right state crying etc. Apparently they discharged him and he had no money so ended up wandering the streets police picked him up and took him home. You honestly couldn't make it up. He wants her to go home and "look after him" even if she wants to she's so vulnerable to Covid 19 that she will have to stay away for two weeks now anyway. What a mess

OP posts:
Gilead · 01/05/2020 07:32

I am 61. I broke out after 23 years. (Late fifties). I too can watch what I want, wear what I want, even eat what I want. I have friends, I go out. Calling the police and doing the freedom programme we’re the best things I ever did.

As for him, yes he felt he was the victim in all this and made much of it, tried to emotionally blackmail the children. He had a new girlfriend within weeks!

sneeuw · 01/05/2020 07:37

Get her in the freedom programme, even just to have a look at the site. He is crying now, pathetic and useless without her, he's vulnerable etc and it's ALL manipulation. Because that's what all of this is about. He's only making himself weak to guilt trip you all to get her back.

Then he will be nice right?

Then he will go back to usual, right?

I'd be interested to know how many of his colleagues, bosses, or mates he's attacked over the years. How often did they need to call the police because of his behaviour?

I'm guessing that it was likely nil.

He CHOOSES to behave this way with your mother.

And your mother is in the vulnerable category right now, however, it sounds like she's one very resilient woman to have put up with his abuse for so long and survived. Humans are afraid of change, but she has dealt with something so hard for so long, that getting away from him will be much easier in comparison. But she needs to realise that he's manipulating her. And that he's never ever loved her, because this isn't and never was love, even if she's always loved him. And that can be so painful to face, that it seems easier to stay.

I hope she manages to get away and live a life like the earlier poster's grandmother. Your DM has lived like this for so long, she definitely deserves some peace, independence and fun.

LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 08:29

Just spoken to him. He sounds pitiful. I feel bad but it's not my fault.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 01/05/2020 09:50

Of course it's not your fault, nor is it your mum's fault.
Can you make the choice to be firmly on your mother's side and not give in to his emotional shenanigans? She's the one who needs you most right now.
It won't do him any harm to cry - it's part of the process of him (hopefully) realising what an abusive person he is.

Flowers for you and your mum.

HeddaGarbled · 01/05/2020 09:54

Are you brave enough to report him to the police? That is genuinely the best way to protect her.

MrsPerfect12 · 01/05/2020 09:56

Please don't let her speak to him. He will guilt her into going home and don't tell her he is crying etc. She will be happier out of this. Good luck to your mum.

Fenlandmountainrescue · 01/05/2020 09:57

Its part of the behaviour pattern. I did the freedom programme and they warned us about abusers pretending they’re all broken and needy to drag you back in. Please don’t listen to him. Your Mum going back could be one of the most dangerous things she ever does.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 01/05/2020 10:00

Q

HeddaGarbled · 01/05/2020 10:10

In the past, the onus has always been on victims of domestic abuse to rescue themselves. But there is increasing recognition that waiting until they do is too dangerous. Prosecutions can now go ahead without the compliance of the victims. Don’t wait for your mum to save herself. You can do it for her if you contact the police today.

pussycatinboots · 01/05/2020 10:16

Your poor lovely mum Flowers

please show her Ginkypigs earlier post.

as for your dad, block him.

cornersteps · 01/05/2020 10:17

I'm going to try and get her to speak to a divorce lawyer tomorrow.

This is not needed at this stage. Keep her safe and endure she realises she can be safe and without him. Divorce lawyers are for much further down the line. If you push her too much she will run back.

tillyteatowel · 01/05/2020 10:26

Your dad isn’t taking responsibility for his own actions. Any guilt or responsibility you are feeling? It’s not really yours. It’s his.

Flowers for you

Wehttam · 01/05/2020 10:36

OP I know he’s your dad but do not let him trick you into feeling sorry for him. It’s all part of the plan.Your mum is your priority. Contact the police yourself and help her rid her life of such an evil man.

Emerald4512 · 01/05/2020 10:40

Unfortunately, with abusers they will know what to say and what to do in order for other people to feel sorry for them or for them to 'forgive and forget' repeatedly. Well done on your mum for breaking the cycle! And well done you for being a fab daughter. ❤️