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Original poster

Had to rescue mum tonight (DV)

60 replies

LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 00:29

I really want my mum to leave my dad. She's disabled both are over 65. Tonight he attacked her and she snapped and hit him in the face. He's since been phoning saying she blinded him.

This has been ongoing for years. Along with mental abuse as well, he says the most despicable things and is the most controlling person I've ever met. As a child I had to call the police due to dvd (him attacking her).

I'm going to try and get her to speak to a divorce lawyer tomorrow. Please leave messages of support. She's had 45 years of this the worthlessness and being worn down. I so wish she would have the strength to leave. He's such a bastard

OP posts:
Gilead · 01/05/2020 10:43

Of course he sounds broken, when he finds out he's not getting his own way, he'll be angry. He's trying to guilt trip you into sending your mother back. Give it a while and he'll be sending you both abusive messages. Then he'll guilt trip again, and then it'll be how it's all everybody's fault but his, you, your Mum and the next door neighbour. I've been there, and this is standard.
One of things that I found when I went to the refuge meetings for the programme was scarily similar our partners where. There really is a pattern to this. I was still with my partner at the time (foolishly let him back for a while after his arrest because I felt sorry for him and he couldn't manage without me) and the woman running the course predicted his next move with pin point accuracy every single time.
Please help your Mum break free and have some peace, it's such a lovely feeling being away from it.

OhioOhioOhio · 01/05/2020 10:51

If you feel sorry for him then he has won. He has to know its finished.

Lilymossflower · 01/05/2020 10:55

Get your mum to talk to women's aid

Call the police on him yourself

lowlandLucky · 01/05/2020 11:17

Well done both of you, now your Mum can live her life in peace Flowers

LunaLula83 · 01/05/2020 13:02

They hit each other.......right

NotMyNigel · 01/05/2020 13:34

Your father is very good at getting everyone to focus on him and his feelings, isn’t he OP?

Original poster
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 13:49

No he hits her. Last night she retaliated. I had to call the police as a child. He's telling all neighbours she beat him up! He's controlling and manipulative.

Veering between please come home to getting nasty on messages.

She wants to go home tomorrow as is worried about all her plants

OP posts:
Original poster
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 13:50

Trying to persuade her to stay obviously. If he's been exposed to Covid 19 that will kill her or he will.
You shouldn't have to parent your parents. How fucked up

OP posts:
Original poster
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 14:31

Once when I was a child I remember him picking her up by the legs. Swinging her around the room and throwing her against the wall. Bastard

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 01/05/2020 14:35

Your mum is very lucky to have you Flowers

Original poster
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 15:09

Doesn't feel that way atm I feel pretty helpless

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 01/05/2020 15:09

Larkin that's so much worse than it seemed from your first post.
Please keep her away from him. Can you talk to women's aid? Or the police?
What does your sister know - is she younger than you?
Good luck.

CelestialSpanking · 01/05/2020 15:16

I would hold off speaking to a solicitor about divorce right now and concentrate more on getting through each hour, day, week. Little bit at a time. Your mum has been and is going through one of the most stressful, frightening and dangerous things a woman can do. Lots of love and listening to whatever she has to say is key. I would block his number or better yet change your number so he can’t contact her. She needs space from him in order to stay away from him. I think the latter really helped me not go back to my abusive ex when I moved into a refuge. I’d left him before numerous times and kept going back because he had the opportunity to get into my head and win me round.

It’s hard now but one day your mum will look back and marvel at how far she’s come and how much her life has changed in a positive way. She just needs time to get there.

amber763 · 01/05/2020 15:18

Much love to you and your mum

CelestialSpanking · 01/05/2020 15:22

If you haven’t already, please contact women’s aid. Please. Your mum is in real danger from him. Is she replying to him at all?

Original poster
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 16:30

She's replied briefly I think. She won't contact WA she can't go anywhere because she is so vulnerable so don't think there's much I can do besides support her and encourage her to stay with us

OP posts:
Original poster
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 16:31

She will go back I'm sure of it :-(

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 01/05/2020 16:47

She is entitled to go to the house and get her belongings, including her plants. Obviously because of her age and the lockdown a friend or family member needs to go for her. I think the police will attend if you ask them because he is violent.

You can phone womens aid and ask them how best to do this.

It’s dangerous for her to go back, he will be very angry and could kill her. Please get her to speak to someone first.

Original poster
LarkinThey · 01/05/2020 19:25

DH took her to get essentials last night.

But she has around an acre garden so not a feasible to bring them all her plants over here

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 01/05/2020 22:54

Oh I thought you meant house plans . No of course she can’t bring the plants from the garden. I’m a gardener myself so I understand why she would be worried. But we’ve had some rain so they will be fine.

All the more reasons to see a solicitor ASAP and decide what she wants to do about the house. I don’t know if she can get an order to get him out of the house as he has been violent to her. She really needs expert advice on all this.

onalongsabbatical · 02/05/2020 15:22

How's your mum today Larkin?
And how are you, too?

Original poster
LarkinThey · 02/05/2020 17:10

She's going home today :-(

OP posts:
june2007 · 02/05/2020 17:29

You can only be their for her. She knows the score. How many times do they say a person tries to leave before escaping an abuive relationship? (Too many is the answer.) Hopefully seeing that she has the nounce to fight back might meen things get better. But really they eed to end this relationship for both their sakes.

Impropriety · 02/05/2020 17:35

I just wanted to say that I’ve been where you’ve been and it pushed me into a nervous breakdown in the end, so please please take care of yourself. You also matter. And you’re right, you shouldn’t need to parent your parents. They brought you into the world and their obligation was to take care of you.
Have you ever considered counselling for what you’ve been through?

I had a front row seat for the domestic violence my dad perpetrated against my mum. Then when I was 17 he met a vulnerable woman and moved into her council flat. He behaved himself until she put him on the council tenancy and then he started abusing her too. I spent my first pregnancy being called round there by her every time he hit her, but she would never engage with police. Both of them just wanted me to sort their problems out all the time.

My dad ended up elderly and alone and started to treat me worse and worse in the absence of a live-in woman to abuse. I was codependent and I put up with him for way too long, only going NC after my breakdown and a shit load of counselling.

I have had his carers phone me and his neighbours turn up on my doorstep and they ask me why I don’t see this poor sad elderly man and I feel guilty and awful. Yet I know that my life isn’t worth living when he is in my life as the abuse and mind games are incessant. It’s a life sentence, having a man like this as a father, it really is. I wish I had cut him off when he was a younger man and I wouldn’t be judged.

You can’t control what your mum and dad do but make sure you look after yourself and keep your own boundaries. Neither of your parents are looking out for you as they are wrapped in their own dysfunction.

onalongsabbatical · 02/05/2020 18:57

Oh Larkin, that's awful. You've done your best though. Sad
Take care of yourself, now.

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