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Original poster

My best friends IVF is cancelled and I just got pregnant! :( How do I tell her?!?!

73 replies

Mn345678 · 29/04/2020 17:27

My friend is so so distraught that her IVF treatment which was two weeks away before the lock down got cancelled. She had waited a few years for this and now Im pregnant. I just dont know how to tell her as she is doing all she can to take her mind off her IVF.... How does one tell? Help!

OP posts:
kayakingmum · 29/04/2020 17:29

I would wait 3 months before telling her.

Honeypickle · 29/04/2020 17:29

Don’t. No need to for weeks/months and maybe her treatment will start again by then. Does she know you were trying?

Classiccar · 29/04/2020 21:06

You wait until she mentions it or asks what’s happening with you & you then answer depending on how strong she sounds or how far down the line she is regarding getting closer to her fertility treatment starting.

Congratulations to you, really really pleased but this is where your friendship is tested. Please don’t make this about you.

Wishing you well with everything x

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5zeds · 29/04/2020 21:09

I’d just tell her. She will have felt it all before. I could be happy for my friends while still being sad for myself.

theotherfossilsister · 29/04/2020 21:17

This is so hard, but as someone going through infertility I find being told directly by a friend OK.

It is the people who are glib about it, without knowing us, what we are going through, that get me. 'I missed one pill and I'm pregnant!' 'I thought we'd be trying at least two months.'

A good friend saying she is pregnant is OK.

Pogmella · 29/04/2020 21:19

I’d leave it a few weeks and then just be honest. She’ll be able to do the maths and figure out you didn’t disclose if you leave it a very long time, and may feel a bit put out if she’s been sharing lots with you and you haven’t reciprocated. Unless it’s the truth, I wouldn’t say it was unplanned as I doubt she’ll want to hear about her hard won dream dropping into your lap as it were. She might need to keep her distance for a bit but she’ll be ok- probably not the first time she’s had to deal.

ivfgottostaypositive · 29/04/2020 21:24

As per previous poster it depends on how it's handled - if you've been trying for all of a month and you message her with the 12 week scan photo no matter what you say it's going to upset her.

I've always been fine and overjoyed when it's been friends who've had similar experiences - miscarriages, ectopics, long period of trying, or IVF etc.

I admit to being really upset with announcements from Friends who have 3 kids already or only have to look at their husband and get pregnant with twins or conceived via a turkey baster

Fact is unless you've gone through infertility or lost a baby yourself you're never going to understand if she reacts negatively; if that happens you'll just have to give her time

thefishthatcouldwish · 29/04/2020 21:31

Please also accept that your friend may distance herself from you a bit please don't take this personally I'm sure she will be very happy for you but will have to cocoon herself a bit for her own self preservation.

Facing a pregnant friend when you are going through such heart ache is very hard. It can be soul destroying.

MossWalk · 29/04/2020 21:40

Please don't tell her in public. Message her and give her time to process.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/04/2020 23:00

I think how you tell her depends on your relationship really. If you are the type of friends who would tell each other as soon as you get a positive then do definitely let her know. I hated it when really close friends and family hid pregnancies from me during my ivf journey. It doesn’t have to be via a call. You could text or WhatsApp her (and let her have her wobble) & say you will call her.

Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 09:25

Thank you for you message, its really good to hear from your point of view. Of course I'd be considerate in the way I word It to her and probably message then follow with a call. I am 3 months along and I feel waiting any longer will upset her more as we do talk every few days! Its hard to hide.

OP posts:
zozozoe · 30/04/2020 09:28

Message her. Do NOT send a scan photo. Or chase her for a reply.

Congrats btw

Ughmaybenot · 30/04/2020 09:31

I would message her, and be direct but kind. As pp says, don’t be flippant about it or make it sound like it ‘just happened’ even if it did, that’ll hurt her so much.
I did start off thinking you should ring her but messaging gives her the space and time she might need to process before answering. Call later once she’s answered maybe, and ask first.
You sound lovely. Congratulations Flowers

Pogmella · 30/04/2020 09:33

How long have you known?

October2020 · 30/04/2020 09:34

I always found the earlier the better helped. I actually found 12 week announcements from friends really painful - as if they'd been hiding it from me and pitying me whilst knowing they were pregnant.

The 'best' announcement was done by text - the same friend later asked me if I wanted to see her scan pic or not rather than just sending it to me which fab.
The worst was done face to face, with a scan photo, followed by showing me all the baby things they'd already bought... AFTER I'd spent 10mins sobbing because something IVF related had not gone well.

I vote for a text as early as possible!

GreenBudgie · 30/04/2020 09:35

Tell her, without sending a scan. I am childless due to infertility. I had 10 years of friends announcing their pregnancy and the births of their children. I was delighted for each and every one as my friends were not taking "my" baby. My infertility was personal, resenting other's babies would not have got me one of my own.

Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 09:49

Thank you all for your messages, its been really useful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 09:53

Thank you so much - I will message and then follow with a call or wait for her to call. I know she will be upset but be happy for me.. she is a great friend. x

OP posts:
tillyteatowel · 30/04/2020 09:54

DO NOT FOLLOW WITH A CALL.

Seriously, don’t.

Sleepyquest · 30/04/2020 09:55

Yeah don't follow with a call. Let her process it which could take a few days and let her contact you.

SouthWestmom · 30/04/2020 10:00

Why didn't you tell her before it got cancelled if you are 12 weeks? You've known this for a while so is the dilemma now that you've reached the point of telling people? I'd tell her by message not call to allow her a bit of composure time.

HarrietM87 · 30/04/2020 10:05

I don’t think the OP was wrong to wait until she was 12 weeks. It’s really common not to tell people until then and maybe OP didn’t want to tell friends before family etc. If something had gone wrong she might not have wanted to share it with this friend. I’ve had lots of mcs and never tell anyone before 12 weeks as I’d rather deal with it just with DH.

Anyway, OP I would send her a text and don’t send her the scan pic at all. They all kind of look the same anyway and she won’t need proof. Wait until she responds before contacting her again - she might need a while to process it. It’s kind of you to think of her.

SouthWestmom · 30/04/2020 10:06

I'm not saying she was wrong. I'm just saying that might influence her decision now.

WishMyNameWasWittyNotShitty · 30/04/2020 10:11

@noeuf a lot of people wait until 12 weeks+ to announce to anyone, it isn't unusual and I don't think the OP is wrong for waiting until that point or beyond, it is her pregnancy.

OP I had a similar experience with a family member, the news was told face to face, after being pushed to do that from other family members, it was the wrong thing to do in my situation, the news wasn't welcome received at that point and I was asked not to mention it in front of her nor post anything to my social media, and to basically ignore the fact that I was pregnant with a much longed for child.
I distanced myself slightly, didn't mention the pregnancy unless u was asked about it, and anything I did post (very little as I am private person) was done with the family member blocked from the post, to save feelings.

It did ease towards the end of my pregnancy and under her grief she was happy for me, but wasn't sure how to process it alongside her absolute heartbreak.

Our relationship was strained for a short while, but we are back on track and all I can advise is to take lead from your friend, but please don't feel guilty for your own happiness. Sadly, in life when someone is going through shit, another it sky high with happiness.

Congratulations and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy x

Pogmella · 30/04/2020 10:32

I do think if I’d been sharing with a friend all about my struggle with trying and then they announced they were 12 weeks gone and therefore had also been trying and hadn’t mentioned in any of our conversations I would feel a bit sad they hadn’t reciprocated.

At one stage 5 women in my office got pregnant within a month. Nearly every time it was a punch in the gut and I felt like the worst person ever got not sharing their joy. The final announcement was that of my closest work friend and when she told me I just felt an instinctive rush of joy- I was so happy for her. So it definitely can be different if it’s someone close.

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