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Original poster

My best friends IVF is cancelled and I just got pregnant! :( How do I tell her?!?!

73 replies

Mn345678 · 29/04/2020 17:27

My friend is so so distraught that her IVF treatment which was two weeks away before the lock down got cancelled. She had waited a few years for this and now Im pregnant. I just dont know how to tell her as she is doing all she can to take her mind off her IVF.... How does one tell? Help!

OP posts:
Bumbers · 30/04/2020 10:37

Send a message... do not call!

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2020 10:39

I always found the earlier the better helped. I actually found 12 week announcements from friends really painful - as if they'd been hiding it from me and pitying me whilst knowing they were pregnant

I only have one friend who has told me before 12 weeks. All other friends and family have not announced until 12 weeks when they've had the first scan. This is the norm for people I know and it's not about hiding a pregnancy but ensuring viability before announcing.

ivfgottostaypositive · 30/04/2020 10:50

I agree that waiting until 12 weeks is in many ways worse - especially as OP speaks to her friend every couple of DAYS. She's known this whole time whilst the friend has been worrying about her treatment being cancelled....

Also DO NOT CALL HER. Let her have a cry and shout or whatever on her own

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Pogmella · 30/04/2020 11:02

Even the post title is ‘just got pregnant’. You didn’t just get pregnant, you probably at a minimum stopped using contraception with the intention of conceiving and didn’t think to share. Then you got pregnant and didn’t want to share a potential loss with her although she’s shared a huge amount of fear and grief.

roarfeckingroar · 30/04/2020 11:04

Bit harsh @Pogmella . The OP may not have been trying and should not have to share every thought/feeling. She's clearly being very considerate.

Blondiecub0109 · 30/04/2020 11:04

I’ve been on both sides. Struggled with infertility, 3rd embryo transfer stuck. Then needs to tell family friend who was having terrible luck with ivf. Her niece (~18 years younger) also fell pregnant around the same time as me. It was always going to be tough.

I chose to email her as I had a reason to anyway - to say thank you for a birthday present. Fate would have it that the day I chose, she was having an egg collection so was pretty buoyant (sadly, they don’t have a baby and I think the current cancellations are end of the road). She was very gracious and couldn’t wait to meet my DS. We’d both had lots of occasions to practice though.

Definitely do not send a scan photo. Do not chase up. Do not be overly cute. Just be factual. And give her time. Please know it’s not about you - as PP said, it’s not a zero sum game, your baby does not deny her one, but some of us can handle our emotions better. She may distance herself, or she may carry on as normal, or she may be really up and down.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and all the best wishes to your friend x

TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2020 11:11

I actually found 12 week announcements from friends really painful

Understandable, but it's not a personal thing and it's not really about your exclusive feelings (I do understand your pain though). But I've had losses at nearly 14 weeks and 26 weeks. I didn't tell people until 20 weeks with my last pregnancy.

Coronacantcope · 30/04/2020 11:11

My bf got pregnant while I was awaiting the start of IVF. She told me in person at 12 weeks which I thought was

Chirpychirpy3 · 30/04/2020 11:11

Send her a message and wait for her to come back to you.
My friend knew I was having fertility tests and told me she was pregnant in the middle of a restaurant with a scan picture. I was happy for her but also wanted to cry. I stayed away a bit throughout her pregnancy as I found it tough but I was fine once the baby had arrived.
Infertility is really really shit.

Coronacantcope · 30/04/2020 11:14

... fine, no issues with how she told me. I did have to distance myself from her though as the pregnancy progressed and when her baby was small. We weren't actually in contact much for a few months (usually message daily). I really appreciate that she was understanding and didn't push me. We picked up again when her baby was a few months old and we're back to normal now. So just be aware your friend might need a LOT of space, it doesn't mean your friendship is over.

Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 11:37

Hiya... When I found out I was pregnant I was already 6 weeks and she was around 2 weeks away from her IVF treatment and was super excited as her embryo was ready and it was all green lights for her.... I didn't want to be like - omg Im pregnant! I just wanted her to have her moment ... she had been told to be completely stress free and I didn't want her to feel pressure or sadness that I had gotten pregnant so easily! I thought I'd tell her right after her treatment. When I found out it was cancelled and how devastated she was I was around 8-9 weeks... I could not get myself to tell her then! It would have been the worse thing to do. Plus I am quite a private person and even decided to tell my mum at 10 weeks. Im not almost 13. Thanks for you post xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 11:38

Im now* almost 13 weeks...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 11:44

That isn't true.. I have never been on any contraception other then just condoms! So It did happen the second month we tried. And of course myself and my friend had talked about me having kids. She had even encouraged me to do check ups asap just incase I'd have an underlying problem like she had and not known until she tried. I told her we were thinking to have one soon....

OP posts:
Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 11:46

@Pogmella That isn't true.. I have never been on any contraception other then just condoms! So It did happen the second month we tried. And of course myself and my friend had talked about me having kids. She had even encouraged me to do check ups asap just incase I'd have an underlying problem like she had and not known until she tried. I told her we were thinking to have one soon....

(Sorry just getting the hang of tagging people!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 11:50

@Chirpychirpy3 Thanks for sharing and sorry you had to go through that. I have ZERO intention of telling her in public (also not possible due to lock down).. but also will not be sending a scan picture etc. I will take the advice from this thread and just message her.. followed by a call whenever she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 11:56

@Blondiecub0109

Thank you for this.. so sorry for your friend. It must be so tough :( .. I also have a colleague who is well into her 40s and her IVF got cancelled too and I worry about her finding out too... but there isn't much we can do I suppose. I definitely do not intend on flaunting a bump on social media... perfectly happy to keep this discreet in my own home - which is easy to do with the lockdown. I am already happy and grateful that I'll have my first baby this year ... so is my family.. so for me that is enough without having to bombard social media.

OP posts:
Thefaceofboe · 30/04/2020 11:58

Why didn't you tell her before it got cancelled if you are 12 weeks

Surely OP was waiting for the 12 week scan which is a pretty standard thing to do?

ivfgottostaypositive · 30/04/2020 12:10

Second month of trying is going to hurt your friend no matter/however you say it....

I'd tell her sooner rather than later and let her deal with and then come to you. You have to be realistic that your friendship may never be what is was after this.

Through 5 years of infertility, multiple miscarriages and ectopics my friends and family even are divided into two groups - one for which there is nothing I can say to help them understand what it's like and the other group for whom no words are necessary

ScreamingKid · 30/04/2020 12:20

I would text her without a photo and then let her dictate what happens next. Whilst it's a delicate situation and you want to be sensitive to tour friend, it is also joyful time for you. I dont agree that you should have told her before or when you were trying. That's private and you dont owe her anything more than kindness and sensitivity.

BarbeDeMaman · 30/04/2020 12:23

After 4 years of ttc and one mc my friend rang me to tell me she was expecting her third child. She was very sweet and apologetic about how hard the news might be for me but believe me: no one knew better than I how precious every pregnancy is. I was thrilled for her but I sobbed for hours after. I did not begrudge anyone their babies but each pregnancy announcement made me feel bitterly sorry for myself and more despairing of my situation.

There is no easy way for your friend to hear this. Congratulations to you btw.

BarbeDeMaman · 30/04/2020 12:27

Also her actually calling me meant I had to hold it together til the call was over. It was difficult for her to do and a text or email would have sufficed. Then I could have raged at the world immediately!

evilharpy · 30/04/2020 13:21

You sound like a lovely and considerate friend.

Definitely message and definitely do not follow up with a call, let her call you when she's ready. It will be very hard for her but even harder if she has to rearrange her face or compose herself so she can speak to you without crying. I was always grateful when people messaged me and let me process the news in private.

Did I read it correctly that she had already had the egg collection etc and the embryo was ready and then the transfer was cancelled? I can't even imagine how hard that would have been for her.

Original poster
Mn345678 · 30/04/2020 14:46

@evilharpy hiya thanks so much for your message and kind words. I now intend doing exactly that tonight, I'll text and let her get back to me. She is such a lovely and amazing person I know she'll be ok about it in the end. But I will give her that space by messaging first.

Yes her embryo was ready!! She was supposed to have her IVF in January but when she went in they told her she had low iron levels. So they then delayed until end of March while she took iron supplements. She was super happy and just taking the supplements but obv now that silly thing of just having low iron cost her the delay and subsequently the cancellation. Otherwise it was all go go go! :( ...

OP posts:
olivehater · 30/04/2020 14:52

If she has just found out no way would I tell her now. There is no rush to tell her. My friend came and told me she was pregnant a few days after I had a miscarriage. I have no idea why she felt the need. I would have much preferred she had let it for I while while I was grieving.

Parkandride · 30/04/2020 15:09

You're a lovely friend, don't feel bad for waiting until 12 weeks, just because we're infertile doesn't allow us to invade your privacy

I've had cancelled ivf due to corona, I'm trying to look on the bright side that being pregnant in a pandemic isn't the ideal situation.

If I loved you I'd be overjoyed for you, but sensitive wording is always best. The way you're planning to do it sounds great, lets her cry, rant to her dp etc. Personally I'd prefer to be factual rather than going off into "I didn't know how to tell you blah blah" which just makes me feel worse

I have more casual friends who announced in person while I had ovaries the size of grapefruits and insane emotions thanks to ivf drugs. They ended up giving birth just after a transfer failed. That was tough, but if they were proper close friends I'd still have been delighted

Good luck!

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