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Original poster

My best friends IVF is cancelled and I just got pregnant! :( How do I tell her?!?!

73 replies

Mn345678 · 29/04/2020 17:27

My friend is so so distraught that her IVF treatment which was two weeks away before the lock down got cancelled. She had waited a few years for this and now Im pregnant. I just dont know how to tell her as she is doing all she can to take her mind off her IVF.... How does one tell? Help!

OP posts:

5zeds · 30/04/2020 15:09

Yes her embryo was ready!! She was supposed to have her IVF in January but when she went in they told her she had low iron levels. I’m not sure this quite makes sense, so you may have misunderstood what was going on.

Parkandride · 30/04/2020 15:12

@5zeds surely she's had her ivf and has a frozen embryo, but couldn't transferred as planned?

ivfbabymomma1 · 30/04/2020 15:14

I went through IVF and honestly every time I saw a pregnancy announcement I was just pleased that someone else got pregnant without fertility struggles. I can't speak for everyone going through ivf but that's how I felt personally!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy

PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2020 15:16

Looking at the threads in infertility, I think it’s entirely normal and very common to find it upsetting.

Message-just short and factual. No scan picture. Nothing about her finding it hard. Nothing about it bring her turn next etc. Don’t follow up with anything. Wait for her to respond.

EL8888 · 30/04/2020 19:21

^ yeah completely this. A message in these circumstances is best l feel, give her chance to digest. No mention of turns, in her shoes no offence l would be thinking it’s my turn -not yours

5zeds · 30/04/2020 21:02

Maybe. Frozen embryos are even less likely to progress to pg, or it least were when I did ivf. It seems unlikely she is as close to success as OP seems to think. I honestly would just tell her if you would have if you didn’t know about the ivf. Are you telling all your friends? If so, then go ahead. She will deal with it her own way.

EL8888 · 30/04/2020 21:06

@5zeds recent stats seem to say frozen are more successful than fresh. Allegedly some clinics are going to move to just frozen

5zeds · 30/04/2020 21:37

Wow! That’s amazing. I think the rationale when I did it was you’d used your most viable for fresh so the frozen not only had to survive freezing and defrosting but also tended to be less likely anyway.

EL8888 · 30/04/2020 22:48

@5zeds yeah l think it’s switched in the last few years. I’m assuming freezing technology has advanced?

Fromthebirdsnest · 30/04/2020 22:51

I wouldn't tell her yet , your not going to see her for a while x I'd wait until it's unavoidable to tell her .. Congratulations 💕

PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2020 22:54

That’s only a good course of action if the op isn’t going to tell other friends @fromthebirdsnest

The only thing worse than being told about a friend’s pregnancy when you can’t get pregnant is the being the only one who doesn’t know.

ivfgottostaypositive · 01/05/2020 00:37

@5zeds

Yes freezing technology is very advanced these days and in most age groups frozen has just as much success rate as fresh and in certain age groups the success rates are higher. It's because when IVF was first invented it was more like what is now called natural modified IVF where they just collect the one egg - pumping us full of drugs to get 20-30 eggs is actually relatively recent in science terms and so the effect of all the drugs can make the uterus environment much less hospitable to an embryo being transferred. The thinking is now better to freeze them and wait a few weeks for the uterus to be in a more natural state

Parkandride · 01/05/2020 07:17

Definitely @ivfgottostaypositive, after collection I was in pain, bloated, bat shit crazy. I didn't want to hang out with myself let alone be hospitable to an embryo. Transfer would have felt barbaric.

Anyway we digress, how did it go OP?

Classiccar · 01/05/2020 13:24

It’s in the Evening Standard now that some clinics are being allowed to open on 11th May.....just please don’t assume hers is one and go in all bouncy telling her she’ll be next x

5zeds · 01/05/2020 15:53

Ovarian stimulation was very much the norm when I had my ivf. I didn’t know anyone doing a “natural cycle” and this was twenty years ago. I do remember success rates were less for FET then though. This seems to say outcomes are much closer now
www.medicaldevice-network.com/news/frozen-vs-fresh-ivf/
Either way she is months behind you at very best OP and that’s likely to be something she has dealt with many times before, it’s kind of you to try and be sensitive but I think most subfertile couples who’ve got as far as ivf are very used to the dull sadness of others happy news. You can’t change that and if she’s your friend she won’t want you to.

Umnoway · 01/05/2020 16:25

Don’t tell her right now, there’s absolutely no need to.

I had to tell my best friend a couple of months ago which was difficult because she had a late miscarriage last year which she’s still obviously absolutely distraught over. She reacted rather remarkably really, I didn’t expect it at all. She was super supportive and happy for me, pleased me to no end because I was so anxious about telling her.

Definitely text the news so she can process it but I would leave it until your first scan at least.

Original poster

Mn345678 · 05/05/2020 17:51

Hello,

Sorry for the delayed updated, but here it is..

So I messaged my friend in a watsapp message with both of our partners in. Her partner is also my life long friend of 20 years so I couldn't separate the news - they are equally my closest friends!

I said we were expecting and that we hadn't shared the news with anyone yet... that they were on my mind as I know they are both trying to take their mind of their IVF and here I am with my news. I didn't dwell on it, kept it short and sweet and told them both that I love them and that we could speak whenever they wanted.

To be honest, when they replied with 'wow congratulations...' I was kinda sad... I did expect a phone call but also know that is precisely why I didn't call! To give them the space. And After some back and fourth messaging with the partner saying they hope they'll get there happy news soon.. I felt like that was enough... Then felt a little low in the evening not having actually spoken to them in person...

I thought about them the whole evening, night, then the next day.... but was so so happy when my friend called to speak on FaceTime that afternoon!... I picked up and was sooo glad to be able to speak in person, she asked me all the questions I'd have expected from her, like how did you find out, is your partner happy, what was your mums response etc etc.... and we got really teary about her situation.. but I was super glad that she seemed a lot more positive on the issue... she is still relatively young and this quarantine crap isn't going to go on forever! Her embryo is waiting in a freezer somewhere and fingers crossed all will happen for them soon!... She seemed a lot more up beat which made me happy.

Then we spoke another 30 mins about art! And how were passing time... watercoloring, yoga, sketching etc!...

Thank you all for your advice and kind words.

This thread was a really good welcome for me to Mumsnet... first time im using it.. or posting on it... so thanks for the support.

Wish you all the best,
x

OP posts:

Classiccar · 05/05/2020 20:48

Yay!!

Well done! So pleased all is good with you.

Thankyou for the update. Stay well x

EdwardsNewJumper · 05/05/2020 22:35

You're a lovely friend, don't feel bad for waiting until 12 weeks, just because we're infertile doesn't allow us to invade your privacy

Parkandride you are a lovely person

Parkandride · 06/05/2020 10:28

I'm so glad it went well OP, hope your pregnancy goes well and your friend gets good news soon. Ivf clinic reopen very soon!

Aw shucks @EdwardsNewJumper

Original poster

Mn345678 · 06/05/2020 10:54

Thank you all so much x

OP posts:

WishMyNameWasWittyNotShitty · 18/05/2020 12:58

Just spotted your update, so glad you found a way to tell her/them, that was right for you all.

Lots of luck to both you and your friend for the future x

BumblePan · 18/05/2020 13:13

I am glad that all went well and that you broke the news gently. I remember getting a pregnancy announcement after a MC and I thought my face would crack from trying to smile. I was happy about the news but it was hard to process and deal with a mix of other emotions.
You are a great friend for extending your heart and thinking of your friend. Congratulations!

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