Why is breastfeeding so hard

[fatisnotafeeling]

DS2 is 10 days old and I Breast fed him until day 5 when we realised he had tongue tie that was cut that day. they then weighed him and he lost 12% body weight, he also has jaundice and we were readmitted to hospital.

I was told I needed to top him up with formula which I did and he gained weight so we came home yesterday and then he began to struggle to latch, his tongue looked saw so today I've been cup feeding him what I can express which isn't much at all.

I am so exhausted between not sleeping for 48 hrs when he was born and then not sleeping when we went back into hospital. I can't help feel that if I give up trying to feed him that I have failed and I am getting so upset emote it all I think about stopping about 100 times a day.

Surely something so natural should not be this difficult. ?

It's difficult because hardly anyone does it anymore, and we haven't been taught or watched our mothers, aunts and sisters do it. They can't pass the knowledge on either because they didn't do it.
Can you get some breastfeeding support?
Formula is there if you need it, fed is best.

It is IMO the toughest thing about having a baby. Do what you can do, but stop feeling guilty please!!! You have already done great (the first milk ((don't want to attempt to spell)) is amazing and you have given him that. Do whatever you need to do to be happy, congratulations!!!

Please don't feel guilty or put yourself under undue pressure.

It's still incredibly early days for you both and remember it is a skill both of you need to learn together.

Nothing wrong with mix feeding or even moving to ff if necessary.

Get some support if you can, keep trying if you want to and keep posting here too.

It's a long time since I did it and dd didn't have tongue tie but she was an awkward bugger who would only feed in certain positions at first.

It takes time to get in the swing of it and you've had a very tough beginning.

I do feel like we should have evolved to be able to do feeding better (although I guess that is what formula is!). No judgement here; I gave up after 5 days because I hated every minute of it and DS didn't seem fussed. Switching to formula saved my sanity and DS has thrived we changed. So whatever is best for you and for baby.

It’s an evolutionary bodge-job. Nobody sane would invent it. It’s such a nightmare for so many.

I guess from an evolutionary point of view something needs to work just enough to ensure species survival, it doesn’t have to be something we enjoy. I have to say that I had a massive epiphany about the infant mortality rates in olden times when I was first breastfeeding - and here was me thinking it was solely down to improves sanitation and modern medicine.

You’re a trouper, OP, as are all new mums.

I breastfed my twins for 11 months, assumed feeding my singleton would be easy, nope
Mixed fed her to start (no problem with that)
So painful took ages to latch and didn't sleep for the first 48 hours either
Got easier after a couple of months😂

If you are mixed feeding still express if you can because your milk supply comes in on demand so if you reduce your supply will reduce, you can always freeze it.

When I first breast fed my daughter I could only guarantee she latched In properly when I was laying down, not the most practical but I didn’t go out for nearly two months as I was in too much pain from the birth anyway.

Once she and I got the hang of it and she started to put weight in I got more confidence as did she and after a few weeks it all fell into place. Keep your fluids up as well, I also found eating small meals every couple of hours, inc just some toast or cereal rather than 3 large meals a day helped.

You can't fail because it isn't a test (there's no prizes to be won either).

At 10 days pp you're still in the thick of hormonal changes too, which make everything harder to bear.

It does sound like you want to continue bf - if that is correct then speak to your midwife tomorrow and find out from them what support is available. Kellymom.com is a goldmine of information too.

It's hard when everything is so stressful but make rest your number 2 priority - it will help with your supply as well as everything else.

Just want to echo the pp who are saying add formula for now if it helps. I did with my son who had an going jaundice at birth too. He gulped it down and also for 3hrs straight. I kept expressing and eventually my milk caught up. It does get easier but the first few weeks are incredibly tough. Just get through each day at a time.

Hi @fatisnotafeeling I found this Youtube video very helpful. I couldn't get my DD to latch and had excruciatingly painful cracked nipples. I took 5 days out to let my nipples recover (expressed in meantime and used hydrogel discs on nipples). I watched this video several times and put it into practice - straight away it worked for me!

Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's going to be easy or that it will work for everyone.

Do you want to continue? If you don't then formula is a perfectly viable option and your baby will still get all the nutrition he needs in order to thrive. I can't promise you'll get more sleep because babies but there is no shame in having a baby that is fed.

If you do want to continue then practice, practice, practice is the best way. Ask the Health Visitor what peer support is available, face to face will be limited due to current situation but there should be telephone peer support available at the very least, in place of face to face support watch YouTube videos on how to latch. Spend some time doing skin to skin, a taking a bath together is a great way of doing this, so is cuddling up in bed bare chested and with the baby only in a nappy - I used to use it as a chance to watch Netflix on my tablet.

If I could just share two pieces of advice, 1. breastfeeding is a learnt skill for both mother and baby. It is natural but it isn't easy! Especially if people you know haven't done and you can't turn to them for help. 2. Nipple shields nipple shields nipple shields. Look into the advice, read into why the NHS don't offer them anymore (they should IMO) but I wouldn't have been able to BF my DD at all without them for the first 4mo and we're still breastfeeding 19mo later.
Actually my 3rd piece of advice is with BF babies 12 weeks is like a magic week where they just get it, other BFing women I work with told me that and it certainly was true for me. If you can hang on that long you've cracked it

Should clarify I needed the nipple shields because she would not latch just endlessly rooted

I have to agree, things turned a corner at around 6-8wks with all four of my DC and by around 12wks I could pretty much shove them inside my jumper and they'd get on with it themselves.

I only managed to carry on because of local
Breastfeeding groups and the support from them. The midwife who delivered my lo was a tongue tie specialist too so we were incredibly lucky that he was diagnosed straight away and it got snipped the first day.
Saying that I struggled for 12 weeks, it was agony most days but I just really wanted to do it. But we did combi feed now and then too when it all got too much.
Basically it's feckin hard and peer support is essential if you're struggling.

It's difficult because hardly anyone does it anymore, and we haven't been taught or watched our mothers, aunts and sisters do it.

I did... but that was over 20 years ago. What good is that now? Definitely didn’t help me when like OP I was trying to feed a tongue tied baby. I don’t think seeing others breastfeed makes an ounce of difference in terms of learning the practicalities. What we need is proper breastfeeding support at the time of first trying to breastfeed, rather than just having ‘breast is best’ drummed into us before we give birth. I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard OP, my DS didn’t even latch until he was 9 days - 10 days is still very early days and you’re both still learning, so don’t be too disheartened.
Also, if you think his tongue looks sore after he had his procedure done 5 days ago then I would get in touch with a medical professional about that - from what I remember it should heal very quickly and hopefully make feeding easier or at worse, no better than before - not worse than before.

More women survive crap, traumatic births that take their toll and interfere with establishing breastfeeding such as delaying the milk coming in. There was barely anything for DS1 to feed on in the first week, he was a week old at his first Christmas and it was a few days after that when I became engorged. Until that point it was a hotchpotch of breast, expressed and formula just to get anything into him, especially as he missed the first chances to feed in NICU/ HDU and had low blood sugars from trying to be born and was too bloody knackered to try.

Most women have very little practical experience of seeing the early days of BFing. MWs and HVs may not have had their own experiences. Older mums are probably unlikely to have been BFed themselves before it was promoted more strongly. DM "helpfully" walked out of the room when I was feeding DS. Not what I wanted or needed!

This isn't the best of times anyway, but even under normal curcumstances, support is patchy and issues like tounge tie and poor latches dealt with poorly and slowly. After 6m no one cares if you have issues at all!

That said I managed 13m and 20m. Past 2 months really does settle down. It's not plain sailing through growth spurts, but you are more recovered and the supply/ demand gets going. We still have a formula culture in terms of understanding how breast feeding works more intutively and that doesn't help either.

Sounds like you are doing your very best in a really tricky time when support is very limited.

The tongue tie, jaundice and weight loss will likely all be linked. It's good you managed to get it released as I know they're suspending that service in a lot of places. If you are still wanting to breastfeed then contact MW/HV and ask for an infant feeding coordinator referral. They will help devise a feeding plan and support with BF.

As others have said skin to skin, offer breast before bottle, express when he's getting formula so your supply doesn't drop. Look into power pumping to help increase supply.

It is relentless the first few weeks, but eventually it gets easier and easier. It is a learnt skill for both you and baby

Congratulations.on your baby . you wont have failed if you do need to move to formula ...
try to get some rest ... breast feeding is exhausting ... take care

Birth is natural but without medical intervention lots of mums and babies would die. While we are on the topic death from disease which we can now prevent was natural too. Nature is brutal.

Whatever you decide to do is the right decision here for method of feeding as long as your baby is getting enough milk. I found watching YouTube video of the flipple and the rugby hold helpful.

Urgh it’s the worst thing about having a baby. I put myself through hell for nearly 8 weeks with inverted nipples and a tongue tied baby. Needless to say, I became quite depressed at my ‘failure’. I cried a lot and struggled to bond. Then we switched fully to formula and suddenly we were both happy and I started to enjoy being a mum.
I felt guilty but it wasn’t worth it. And you don’t need to either. In a years time how your baby was fed will seem insignificant. You need to do what’s best for you as well as your baby.

I only breastfed properly for about a week. I blame the fact that my mother died a week after he was born but in reality I still probably wouldn't have lasted much longer .
I don't usually think about it but this morning I saw a post of fb about how amazing breastmilk is for babies and I got very pissed off with myself, but with the person who posted it more
It is really fucking hard

We had an almost identical journey with DS2, tongue tie, jaundice, back in hospital. It’s really tough.

Nipple shields pretty much saved us. The Medela ones I found were the best. Took 2 weeks to wean him off them once we got going. Still going strong now at 11 months.

I also pumped every 3 hours to get my supply up, that was tough but it did work. Stopped as soon as he was taking decent feeds from the breast.

It isn’t easy for everyone and formula is fine if that works best for you. You’re doing really well!