Why is breastfeeding so hard

[fatisnotafeeling]

DS2 is 10 days old and I Breast fed him until day 5 when we realised he had tongue tie that was cut that day. they then weighed him and he lost 12% body weight, he also has jaundice and we were readmitted to hospital.

I was told I needed to top him up with formula which I did and he gained weight so we came home yesterday and then he began to struggle to latch, his tongue looked saw so today I've been cup feeding him what I can express which isn't much at all.

I am so exhausted between not sleeping for 48 hrs when he was born and then not sleeping when we went back into hospital. I can't help feel that if I give up trying to feed him that I have failed and I am getting so upset emote it all I think about stopping about 100 times a day.

Surely something so natural should not be this difficult. ?

Thank you to everyone who has responded. The support means so much right now.

I really really want to feed him myself, I get terribly upset every time I have to top him up which is silly because I know him having enough is what's best.
I had great plans in place with breast feeding groups to go too. We had researched about tongue tie so as soon as I started having problems I knew he had it. We already had the money saved and paid privately to have it cut.

I am seeing the midwife tomorrow and she has someone from the breast feeding team coming out at the same time to see if they can help me.

He is Dc4 and I managed to feed DC2 but that was because she took to it like a duck to water but that was only for 4 months DC 1&3 were for 6 weeks and it just wasn't working. I wanted this time to be different.

His toungue probably is still sore, ofeer boob first then top up I did this with both my 34 weakers. eventally I cut out the bottles and both fed to 4 years. Sometimes when cut they don,t cut enough, they have to relearn to latch, have you tried different positions. (cross cradle, rugby?) def express keep surply going. Your doing well it can take 6-8 wks to get it sorted, Kellymom is a good online support altl beit America. or Analytical Amedillo, Associartion of breast feeding mothers and Le Leche leAGUE CAN HELP WITH TOUNGU TIE OR, milk matters.org. (Sorry about the caps.)

It is super hard with tongue tie. If you get through the next few weeks it does get better though, did for me anyway. I died nipple shields and GP said it was fine to take ibuprofen.

Laidback breastfeeding. Google it, it’s easier than me explaining here, but I found it somehow with DC1 and it was revolutionary for me. Also helped me with DC2 when I was just abandoned post-theatre and had to just crack on with feeding him as no one was checking in on us!

I breastfed 5 children and always found the first few weeks painful and difficult.

Who knows if I had another baby would I perseve again now. Probably not because looking back, breastfeeding isn’t the be all and end all. The children I fed for 3 years are no different to the one I fed for 3 months

It's just one of these things sometimes it's easy sometimes not. Don't feel guilty. Personally, I can't see the point of persevering to utter exhaustion and despair which I did with first before changing to bottle. Second was easy. Nobody's fault.

Topping up breast feeding with a bottle for the last feed of the day is how I got to breastfeed all my babies till 1.5. Also how I got evenings to myself without being latched to a crying baby. Nothing wrong with mix feeding, don't let people shame you about it if you want to do it. It doesn't stuff up your flow, that's bull.

it gets easier.

mixed feeding helped to get to the bit where it gets easier. (twice a day from each boob with a 12 hour break between worked for us)

OP - fed is best, no matter how you do it.

I was lucky enough (?!?) to be able to bf both mine for about 12m, first with undiagnosed tongue tie. It's brutal. AND NOBODY TELLS YOU IT IS. The only experience I'd had of seeing bf was like pp - on TV ads with a perfectly latched baby which wasn't screaming with hunger, or colic, or reflux, and a mother who was invariably bright as a daisy, showered, dressed, perfectly relaxed in a pristine environment.

Life with a newborn is tough. You're healing from birth, sleep deprived, hormonal, missing friends/colleagues, mourning your old, safe, easy life, and the pressure to be that perfect bf mother is OVERWHELMING, and if you can't do it easily, straight away, then it feels like failure. Not too long ago women were put on bed rest post birth - female relatives would bustle around to support. Our mothers generally would have been shown how great and liberating ff is, and we now have this pressure to be wonder women who can bounce right back, bf effortlessly in Insta-tidy homes and be eating healthy home-made meals lovingly fed to us by attentive, involved partners #blessed

Reality is about as far away from that as I can imagine. Or at least it was for me, and most of the bf mums I know.

As pp said, it does become easier. The mechanics of bf I mean, as you both figure it out and your boobs begin to regulate a bit. The rest of motherhood is still a bit of a whirlwind though!

Good luck op, plenty of lanisoh, go easy on yourself, and remember, a fed baby is a happy one, however that is

It's been a bad night here, he won't latch to the breast at all now so we've had to resort to bottles .
I'm barely getting anything when I'm pumping and I've spent most of the night crying as I feel like such a failure, like I can't do anything right.

I had really bad anti natal depression and it seemed to lift when he was born and I was in a bubble of happiness and now I just feel so so low and I'm scared this can start PND which I had with my DS1.

I don't know what to do, whether to just switch to bottles and spend the rest of my life kicking myself for it or preserve and risk it not working anyway.

I'm struggling so much.

Oh you poor thing - my heart goes out to you. Please don't put yourself under any more pressure. Your little baby wants a happy and relaxed mum, and some milk - he's not bothered where it comes from. Please look after your own mental health. Breastfeeding seems like a big deal now but will it matter in 5 years time?

Do whatever lets you sleep. Sleep is so important for MH and bonding with baby. I remember I was so tired for the first few weeks days went by and I didn't even smile at my newborn. Looking back I'd have been kinder to myself, allowed DH to give her a bottle of formula and got some sleep. Ger your OH to nip to boots for some nipple shields, sorry I keep banging on but they are amazing for latch problems

It was the dark ages when I had babies to feed, but I second the pp who said nipple shields. I fed both of mine (14 months and 9 months) with them, as I have very thin skin and it was excruciatingly painful. I was lucky that enjoyed feeding, as DD1 was allergic to formula. There's more to that story but won't bore you with it.

If you decide to change to totally formula fed, please don't feel that you have failed. You haven't. Breast feeding is not easy for some people. I loved it and had enough milk to feed the whole street, even when my babies were getting bigger and not relying solely on breast milk. What is best is what works best for you. Relax - you're still in the early days and getting up tight won't help. I know it is easier said than done, but take a deep breath, get your DP to take the baby for a while and get some sleep. You'll feel better for it.

Aw bless you OP, I could have written your post myself with DS. Totally refused to latch for the first week, had to be cup fed, struggled to express anything, topped up with formula and had horrendous guilt, and was the most out of my mind exhausted I've ever been in my life. After a week he finally latched but it would take ages and be so painful. He also lost weight and developed jaundice. I had one bout of mastitis after another. We had loads of conflicting advice from HCPs about what we should be doing. It was very very stressful. Then when he was about a month old we had an amazing midwife come out to see us and she spent a while positioning DS and trying to latch him with his head at different angles etc, and finally I guess he just found a position he liked because all of a sudden he latched easily and it was pretty much OK after that. His weight picked up really fast and so did my supply, we stopped using formula, and I ended up feeding him til he was almost 3! So if you have an HV coming out to see you soon definitely ask if they can help you with positioning because the smallest adjustment can make such a big difference. But at the same time, you've clearly put so much effort into trying to feed already and if you were ready to call it a day no one would judge you. And you shouldn't judge yourself. Believe me I understand the guilt at the thought of switching to formula, but you've done so much already by giving milk in those first few days, and as you know from your other DC you baby will thrive just as well on formula. Good luck op, I hope it works out for you. Be gentle to yourself.

Not a failure- and don't think about it in those terms.

What you need to do today is feed the baby on the breast as much as you can. Let him suck to stimulate milk and for comfort.

Then try again tomorrow. Keep trying and either it will all come right in which case it's suddenly very easy, or it won't in which case you did all you could.

It isn't about winning or losing, succeeding or failing. It's about you and your baby getting what you need.

Have you come across the Kellymom site, OP? You might find this page helpful. My Baby Won't Feed.

I definitely second what PPs said about lots of skin to skin time. Try cuddling up in bed with some chocolate and baby in just a nappy, or taking a warm bath with him, and try periodically to see if he's interested in latching. Don't worry if not, and don't put any pressure on either of you, but just go back to cuddling him. It's really good for getting you both more relaxed and feeling better when you're so exhausted and little one's tongue is still sore. (Get DH to sit with you if you're so tired there's a risk you might fall asleep.)

@Maltay nipple shields saved me life with DD1. I think some babies just have a weaker ‘suck’ if that makes sense and nipple shields helped her get latched on.

@fatisnotafeeling please don’t feel alone as you are not the only woman to struggle with breastfeeding. Without seeing you and your baby it is hard to help but the best tip I was given by a breastfeeding counsellor was to have DD much further round my body rather than her head facing my boob. I think a lot of images of breastfeeding are of small babies and small forward facing boobs which not everyone has.

How are you feeling today?

OP if you're stressed and exhausted of course your body is struggling to make milk! Relax. Lots of rest, lots of fluids, lots of food. Let the baby take some formula - that is absolutely fine! As pp said, throughout the day see if baby is interested. Put him to the breast, lots of skin to skin, see what he does. Don't worry about timings or if he's getting any/much. Top ups are fine! I know lots of women in my local breastfeeding support group who swear formula saved their breastfeeding journey - some continued to combi-feed (totally possible!), some ended up dropping the formula as things improved and some ended up transitioning fully to formula. And all of them are great mothers and have happy, healthy babies. Please don't upset yourself!

If you haven’t tried nipple shields I would try them today if you can. They sell them at our local Sainsbury’s so you might find you can pick some up locally.

Did you say the midwife was coming today? You don’t need to make a permanent decision about feeding now. Try and get some sleep and wait until the midwife comes and then review.

Please don’t feel guilty for anything, this is difficult stuff.

That sounds really tough. Tongue tie can be really difficult to manage. 12% weight loss is on the higher side so some formula top ups have been recommended. It might be useful to hand express a little at the end of a feed, or at the time formula is given.

I'm wondering whether you've come across the exaggerated latch technique? The Milk Meg have a video of it. You can use cradle hold or a koala hold and it can really help with tongue tie. Another user has also mentioned laid back feeding or biological nurturing. This can also be a way to support a more comfy latch.

Some mums find nipple shields can help - the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers have a PDF leaflet on their website outlining use of nipple shields as there are some risks, like reducing supply and being a vector for infections like thrush.

If your nipples are damaged, keeping them moist with expressed breast milk or Vaseline can speed up healing. This is called moist wound healing and is all about preventing them from scanning over, so the scab doesn't come off during a feed. Vaseline doesn't need to be washed off before a feed.

You can call the National Breastfeeding Helpline on 0300 100 0212 also.

I agree esterlittle. The NHS always used to use them but now they don't offer them anymore, luckily I had an older midwife who knew where some were hidden in a storecupboard!

Sorry to hear you're struggling op. If I were u I'd phone the National breastfeeding helpline, they are very good and at least that way you know you're getting proper advice from someone who is trained in breastfeeding support.

Does your area have any peer supporters? May be linked to sure start or through your HV, or even association of breast feeding mothers?

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I saw a breast feeding support worker this morning and she has helped me with his latch and fingers crossed it seems to have helped. I am seeing her again on Thursday so she can check all is going well. I couldn't believe how easily she got him to latch on I suppose that's what happens when you know what you're doing.

I will still have to top up for the time being as he is used the that volume of milk but hopefully will be able to reduce the volume as time goes on. Hopefully our journey isn't over yet.

In case it's any reassurance, my oldest refused the breast for 5 days, so by the time she was a week old she was fully bottle fed. She then decided to go back to breastfeeding, and by the time she was 3 weeks old she was back to almost fully breastfed. I did keep giving her one bottle a day for my own sanity because I found it so hard to believe I was making enough milk, having stopped completely (not even expressing) for a week.

I went on to have two more who were much better at breastfeeding, but it was still painful for the first few weeks, and often exhausting.

If I had my children again I'd mixed feed to give myself more ability to get a break and be less exhausted.