Anyone else with an only child feeling particularly shit atm?

[Ocre373]

We have DD who‘s 11. We couldn’t have anymore children and we made our peace with it. I’ve always made a huge effort for her not to be bored or lonely. Lots of activities, always allowed to invite a friend. Obviously that’s all now stopped.

DH is a key worker, he’s out of the house for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week so it’s just me and her.

I’m not on social media but I’m still sent lots of texts and pictures of my friends adventures with their families. They all have more than one child and they’ve all got their partners or husbands at home. They’ve got the paddling pools out, family bike rides, bouncy castles, BBQ’s, nature trails. The list goes on.

No 11 year old wants to sit in a paddling pool with their mum. I try to do stuff with her but it all falls flat. I feel utterly utterly shit and we’ve got weeks more of this ahead. I’m desperate for some bad weather so that we can just watch films and box sets.

DH’s just got home and I’ve come straight upstairs to cry. I feel awful for feeling like this when others are ill or working long hours. If I could block out how much fun everyone else is having I’d be ok, I just can’t help comparing myself.

I am also mother of an only. I'm almost at peace with not having another but I completely understand that feeling of not being enough under these circumstances.
I am also someone who tries to compensate and when my son asks if we are having another baby I feel so sad.
We can't wave a magic wand but we are doing our best though. X

Yes, me. I have a 6 year old. I play with him but it's not the same as having children his own age to play with. He's very sociable as well so he's missing his friends a lot. I'm divorced so the one bonus of that is he goes to my ex's house so he gets a bit of a change of scenery at least.

I just cannot wait until this is over.

Mine is an only by choice by the way, I don't want and have never wanted more children but I could never have anticipated a prolonged situation like this where we couldn't do playdates and see friends.

It is difficult not to compare yourself, and everyone is feeling particularly emotional at the moment so don't beat yourself up about it.

Think about other things to do that tou might not normally. Does dd like to cook or bake? Does she like to do her nails/could she do yours? Could you draw pretend tattoos on each other, like when you're on holiday and there's henna everywhere? Make some piece of clothing, maybe an apron for cooking? Do you have a garden, do you have any bits of wood or old tyres you could make an assault course out of? Movie time - make it dark, make popcorn? Reading - books/kindle/Amazon online books?

I am an only and you sound like such a fabulous mum to be thinking about this! Can you get her involved in helping you with your work or doing useful tasks? There’s nothing wrong with just letting her get on with things by herself - only ones have great imaginations and can find lots of things to do :) how about a book club where you both read the same book at the same time and talk about what you think about it?

That’s exactly it, I’m not enough, our family unit on it’s own isn’t enough.

I wish people would be a little bit more sensitive. Some people are treating it like a holiday and I can understand why it might feel like that when the suns shining and the whole family’s at home and you’re not worrying about work.

I do try different activities but whatever I do can’t replace the friendships that she’s missing.

I know exactly what you mean. I have an only, who is 10 years old. We weren’t able to have more and I don’t think I will ever not wish we had been able to have more, but I have made my peace with it as much as I can. Like you, she does lots of activities usually, often invites a friend, quite a few play dates etc. I really make an effort to make sure she has other kids around as much as possible.

None of that is happening now and she is really lonely. She has been video chatting with a few friends occasionally, but their parents don't seem that bothered and I assume it’s because they are doing more family stuff with siblings. It has to be organised via parents as she doesn’t have her own phone and only a few of her friends do.

DH and I are both here but both working some of the time, so she has some time on her own too in which she watches far too much TV.

However, I’m trying not to get upset about it or comment to her beyond saying that it’s fine to miss people, we all are. Some things we have managed to do together are:-

• painting each other’s nails
• baking
• walking/ bike rides. We’ve done things while walking like seeing how many different wild flowers we can spot or seeing if we can find a path we have never been down before and finding out where it goes
• doing each other’s makeup. She’s not usually allowed makeup so she loves this and who cares if I look ridiculous - I’m not going anywhere
• drawing chalk pictures on the drive - I thought she might be too old for this but she loved it
• making friendship bracelets - we watched YouTube tutorials to find out how!
• far too many films!!

It is really hard though - I completely sympathise. And if you mention it to anyone they just say how lucky you are not to have to break up sibling fights, which is true, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard in a different way, especially over such a long time!

Oh mate. (I'm allowed to say that, I get special dispensation, I'm Kiwi).

Your only child does have a Mum who is doing everything she can to ensure she's not bored and lonely. Of course it's not the same as having other kids to share the lockdown with, but I'm sure she appreciates the efforts you are making.

What about making the bad weather come to you, if she's feeling the same way? Close the curtains, if you have an Alexa, get her to play rain on a tin roof, eat the junkfood, drink far too much of the bad stuff, and watch bad TV. . .

I've got two, and off that list, the only thing we've done is BBQ - otherwise they're pretty much fending for themselves! (They are a bit older though.)

I don't think everyone is having fun...I've got two - a teenager and a 9 year old - and I feel shit that if I'm doing something with 1 (usually 9 year old) then I'm ignoring the other - constantly feel stressed.
I'm an only and though and was very happy in my own little world. Mum and me were together a lot in holidays but she didn't play with me much I just remember doing things myself (did guide badges, taught myself calligraphy, played make believe with my dolls - even when I was 12) watched TV, read.
As an adult I'm happy in my own world (introvert) though I am missing friends.
She's loved and your there for her in these exceptional times that's what matters (I keep telling myself that)

You sound like a lovely mum so I know your DD is very lucky.

Could you still do bike rides and nice walks in the woods etc together? You might look back very fondly on having this time together.

It's a cliche, but siblings don't always get on. You see the photos of harmonious moments but there will be plenty of squabbling too. I have 5 DCs and they get on fine most of time, but I feel guilty that they don't each get more one-to-one time with me.

I have one dc8. I thought it would be harder as she's very sociable and her friends are very important to her. However I am thankful at this time to have one. Being stuck at home with bickering children would do my head in. My friends with 2+ are just breaking up fights most of the day.
She does FaceTime with a different friend most days- could your dc do this? She writes letters to her friends or makes friendship bracelets then we go on a bike ride to deliver them- we do this at least 3 times a week. Mine is younger than yours so perhaps easier to engage but we have been having bbq's, got paddling and splash pad out and I've been enjoying it with her. We do have a dog though which makes a huge difference!

No, but I have one by choice. The thought of having more than one cooped up together with the constant bickering and having to home school more than 1 child as well as juggling wfh is personally not appealing to me!

There's a facebook group Artbase my friend told me about, it goes over step by step instructions to draw things like pandas/giraffes etc - perfect for an 11 year old and an adult to do together, why not try that?

Hmmmm don’t feel too bad - my 15 year old won’t play with my 10 year old anyway !

You absolutely are enough! I'm a lone parent to a very sociable 11 year old and we're doing just fine. It's all about your attitude, I would never normally have this amount of time with mine, never will again no doubt so I'm trying to find the positives. He's really surprised me with just how happy he is spending time at home with his mum. This afternoon we worked on a school project together in the garden, later I taught him to make pasta sauce then we went for a nice walk, weather is beautiful today. Just taking one day at a time. He speaks to his friends on the phone or online too.
Don't compare yourself to others, I've seen the happy family posts and I know a lot of them are anything but. Oh and you don't need to wait for bad weather to sit watching boxsets all day if that's what you want to do.

You sound a lovely mum. I have a DD(12) and DS(15), we honestly haven’t done anything altogether at all. My DS never hangs out with his sister or even talks to her for that matter really or if he does it is to argue.My DH is WFH and shut away in our bedroom all day so it is just me & my DD doing things together same as you. I barely see my DS as he spends most of his time in his bedroom! My DD is also missing her friends so I don’t think it’s just only children that feel like this. I don’t think most people are having loads of fun & remember people only put their ‘best bits’ on social media.

They’re not having fun all the time. They have to home school more than one child and are posting the good bits. They’re not likely to post pictures of the tears, tantrums, arguments etc. I spend half my time splitting up fights between my two and it’s exhausting!

Also, I’m an only child and your daughter will be fine and very happy. I was happy playing on my own or stuff with my parents. And play dates of course. Life is weird right now so bound to feel tough but it will go back to normal. It didn’t occur to me think what it would be like to have a sibling. You only know what you know. If that helps at all. I have never felt I’ve suffered by not having a brother or sister.

It probably depends on the personality of your only. My nearly 10yo DS is an introvert. He has plenty of friends but he is also very happy in his own company. TBH he's having a great time. Bit of school work, loads of quality attention from his dad and I, time online sometimes with friends, long walks. He loves it.

Being trapped in lockdown with a sibling you had a toxic relationship with could be a really awful situation.

The grass is always greener though isn’t it? DS (10) is an only child and has no one to fight with, he gets a lot of attention during homeschooling (although I am WFH), he gets 1:1 attention form DH when they play football, and from me when playing games, baking or doing science experiments.

Why can’t you have BBQ’s and family bike rides? We’ve had loads!

I've been feeling this too lately as i know i'm into peri and we had DS late at 41. We fully intended to have another but it never happened and i beat myself up too much over it. I had my reasons.
Anyway DS is 6 and seems happy as long as i play his make-believe games every day. He's great at compromise now so i say I'll play for an hour then do jobs for an hour.
This lock-down is bad for everyone no matter how many dc's you have! Like mummyshark says there's no way i would be able to stand the bickering and demands of 2! So I try to see the positives to our situation.
I echoe what others say, you are doing your best and sound like a wonderful mum. Def don't beat yourself up!

I have three and keep thinking how lucky people with one child the age of my oldest (9) are - I would love to be able to really help him with his school work (he has to just get on with it while I look after the little ones), would love to be able to go on a bike ride with him (can't take 2 year old as I don't have a bike seat)
So many nice art, crafts, lego, baking ideas we could do but impossible with younger children trying to get involved!
Also would love to just have some time to chill out on my own while he does his own thing!

My eldest left home early so my Dd2 was about 11 and we used to do running & cycling together.
I’d stil do box set binge watching with nice whether and the coach to 5 in run, baking together and see what else she might like - learn a Language, YouTube work out and don’t forget to let her have some time to herself

This is how I found myself in a paddling pool with dd today cleaning her seashell collection.

I can’t make up for her not being able to see her friends but she does get to do some cool crafty stuff that would be a pain with younger siblings around etc.

I hope she (and your dd) remember this as a summer of goofing around together rather than a lonely one

I'm a single parent of a 7yo only DS. He's an extrovert, I'm an introvert... I was coping for the first few weeks, but last night I had a little mini breakdown (once he was finally in bed). I feel terribly lonely and feel so guilty that it's just me and him and I'm drowning and not able to keep up the 'fun mum' act he needs to make up for lack of siblings and Dad. Sorry, a completely self indulgent ramble, but just to say I understand. I have friends moaning about their husbands irritating them or their kids squabbling and although I know it's not a misery competition, I can't help feeling jealous that at least they've got a family unit around them through this. It's hard.

My 3 keep battering the shit out of each other and arguing what to watch. I know it must be lonely by my middle one would be in heaven if he was an only child!