Anyone else with an only child feeling particularly shit atm?

[Ocre373]

We have DD who‘s 11. We couldn’t have anymore children and we made our peace with it. I’ve always made a huge effort for her not to be bored or lonely. Lots of activities, always allowed to invite a friend. Obviously that’s all now stopped.

DH is a key worker, he’s out of the house for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week so it’s just me and her.

I’m not on social media but I’m still sent lots of texts and pictures of my friends adventures with their families. They all have more than one child and they’ve all got their partners or husbands at home. They’ve got the paddling pools out, family bike rides, bouncy castles, BBQ’s, nature trails. The list goes on.

No 11 year old wants to sit in a paddling pool with their mum. I try to do stuff with her but it all falls flat. I feel utterly utterly shit and we’ve got weeks more of this ahead. I’m desperate for some bad weather so that we can just watch films and box sets.

DH’s just got home and I’ve come straight upstairs to cry. I feel awful for feeling like this when others are ill or working long hours. If I could block out how much fun everyone else is having I’d be ok, I just can’t help comparing myself.

No, I grew up with siblings who I really didn't get along with for various reasons, one was a nightmare to live with; being in lockdown with him would have been more than I could have handled. I don't assume that siblings always get alone and it's happy ever after, happy with one, lockdown would be hard with more imo, no regrets. Especially if the economy is going up the swanny, more chance of riding the storm with outgoings for one.

Along*

My DS is 4 and an only - we have tried for another but can't see it happening. He misses his friends from preschool and said the other day that he was imagining friends as he had none.

But - we are taking him out daily, making video calls with grandparents and he knows no different. There are 10 years between me and my brother (I am the youngest) and I don't think I missed out.

You are a great mum, and these are strange times. Try not to be so hard on yourself

I have only DS(15), he is quite happy. Is an introvert and likes his own space.

I have a DB. If we had been in lockdown at this age we would have been a nightmare, either arguing or ignoring each other.

I have video chats with friends and you can sometimes hear their children arguing with each other in the background. But that doesn’t get posted on social media.

Enjoy your time with your DD

Ignore what you see on social media. I walked to a local beauty spot recently, followed by a family of 4 having a blazing row, two 9 or 10 year olds trying to beat each other to a pulp and parents shouting at them and each other. As they reached the top of the hill Mum suddenly said 'stop, photo' and all four threw their arms round each other, smiled and a selfie was taken. Moments later the arguments/shouting started up again. I always think of them when I see families on social media having more fun than me.

People only share the "happy" photos!!!!

I'm sure it is far from wonderful a lot of the time.

be kind to yourself, it's much harder when one or both of you are working and are comparing yourself to people where both parents are furloughed and don't have financial worries.

It’s just me and ds

He is very happy his social life is heough the PS4 and is on it far far too much (though is still part time at school)

I feel guilty that I am not doing enough with him but he just isn’t interested apart from the odd film, card game or cooking

I used the think him being bought a PS4 was awful but right it’s an absolute saviour

We should stop being so harsh on ourselves

I have two dc...they either ignore each other or fight most of the time

Another only child here. We are usually very good at keeping ourselves occupied - true of my 11-year-old self and still true. There have been some great suggestions for things to do together on this thread, and you sound like you’re doing a great job. But she’s most likely going to be fine keeping herself amused when she has to. Onlies get self-sufficiency superpowers and added maturity

Dont feel shit. I was a only child and yes, sometimes it was lonely but I mostly was thankful to have my own space. I would have hated a little brother or sister. Perhaps an older bro might have been ok at times. But, meh. She's probably just glad she doesnt have to share her parents or her toys.

Not trying to be hideously smug either! But I do think onlies manage some life situations well. My only child adult friends are saying similar.

Absolutely. One 6 yo DD. I was just about settled with this, but I have never felt more guilty than I do now that she is on her own. We are both wfh although DH is part time basic admin so can pick up his hours at the weekend and it's fine, but she misses her friends desperately and would love someone to play with.

I was an only and had no friends, so I was always at home with my parents outside of school hours. It was absolutely fine. I was a bit precocious, due to being around adults, but it stood me in good stead for adult life and i was resilient to peer pressure at teenage / uni stage. I have grown up to be a happy, successful person . Don’t worry.

It sounds difficult but could be an opportunity to have some precious time together. Maybe take up something new that both of you could do together.

Get a sewing machine perhaps? Makeup/hair tutorials? Build or make something? Sew scrub bags for the nhs? Watch a box set? Trace your family tree? Ask her what she's like to do with you.

Oh I’m placemarking on this thread because there are some absolutely brilliant ideas - thank you! OP you sound lovely, these are unprecedented times and I think everyone is feeling like they’re somehow doing lockdown “wrong”. It’s all the social media gloating that does it for me!

Well, I can assure you that working full time with a 7 year old to homeschool and a 2 year old is pretty hell ish.

My friend with only one is having daily pool parties in the garden, camping in the garden, her daughter is making amazing videos of her reading and writing stories with beautiful handwriting.

I spent the day crying between shoving my toddler in front of the tv, trying to get dd to do her school work and dealing with all my own students and their needs (I’m a lecturer) by email. I just wish we were chilling by the side an inflatable pool in the garden, so think the grass is definitely greener.

Me. My dd is only (nearly) 4 but my ivf was started then cancelled when all this kicked off. I feel so guilty that she only has me and dh. My dh is going to work still so it's just me, constantly saying "in a minute" as I'm trying to wfh. I'm also pretty miserable generally due to the infertility, I'm not even being a fun mum when I have time!

It's shit

Not all siblings hang out together and I’m sure many would rather be with their own age pals! People put their best side on fb not the info where everyone sits in their own rooms etc x

My only is 13 and an extrovert. Dh and I are keyworkers usually on opposite shifts but for three weeks we're on the same shift.
I thought she'd struggle but shes actually doing fine. Yes she watches too much tv but shes still chatting to friends and finding things to do.
I try to do one nice thing with her when I come home from work in the afternoon and she waits up for dh coming home at 10pm.
These are strange times. Nobody has written the rules on how to do this. If shes fed, watered and loved you wont go far wrong, maybe your friends on social media arent having such an idyllic life either. Dont worry, we're all muddling through this.

I have a 15 yr old ,im still going to work and leaving her at home ,and feel like shit as shes on her own all day ,yes shes doing school work but shes sick of being on her own,(didn't help that we had no wifi for 2 weeks) at least in normal times she could be out /having friends over

My four year old is missing being able to play with other children, he plays with me and my boyfriend, but it’s not the same and not as fun for him.

I have an only. We’re doing just fine. Her best friend has an older sister. Their mum is at her wits end with them fighting all the time. Friend says she’s not enjoying being cooped up with her sister.

Horses for courses.

I understand where you are coming from op

I have a 16 yr old DD (wanted more dc but it wasn't possible for medical reasons). Still haven't come to terms with it completely tbh, but what can you do?

My dd was upset the other night because she was missing her friends and I really, really felt for her.

There isn't a lot we can do though tbh except be sympathetic. And I am trying to bear in mind that this is a temporary situation that is hard for everyone. Being an only won't stop her from (hopefully) having a large family of her own when she is older (if that is what she wants) and so it's better to not let the sadness of her being without siblings overall , adversely colour this specific situation if that makes sense. In other words, just try and focus on the lockdown for now, and try and make the best of it (which I am sure you are already doing). It's very hard but try and keep in mind that these are your feelings of sadness, not necessarily your dd's! And to some extent, how you react to her "only-ness" will affect how she feels about it too. Being an only is all she has ever known so as others have said, she may be better equipped than most to occupy herself.

And as other posters have mentioned, you could try more "adult" activities with her such as bicycling, baking, sewing (patchwork? , bunting?) and knitting, gardening, weaving on a mini loom, or doing jigsaws. This is a great time to learn a new skill and she is the perfect age for slightly trickier tasks that require manual dexterity. Put a table outside and do it there if you want to be in the sun!

Good luck .

I’ve an only. I worry how being without peers for such a longtime will impact her. Sometimes she’s been low and missing her friends.
When this has happened I’ve acknowledged how she’s missing her friends and how hard it is, trying to emphasise that everyone is going through it, worse for some than others but everyone is doing it. Then quickly moved on to something happier.

I think she worries about it much less than I do.

Hey OP I don't have an only child, I have 3 including a newborn and I'm doing feck all schoolwork with my 5 year old, they are spending way too much time on the tablet (that I didn't even buy for them and never wanted them to have), we don't spend every minute crafting or baking or going on adventures and I'm also constantly getting the 'look at what we got up to' pictures from creche/friends etc and I'm just going to say this....you are seeing one moment of the snapshot of their lives, they only promote the "best bits" and are trying to make themselves feel good about actually doing something. Im guilty of it myself when in reality I probably spend half my time telling them to shhh, entertain themselves or watch TV cos something needs doing or baby needs minding. So just remember you're onto getting the tip of the iceberg with their photos. One moment of their 24 hours. I bet some of them would love to be curled up on the sofa having a movie night!