Anyone else with an only child feeling particularly shit atm?

[Ocre373]

We have DD who‘s 11. We couldn’t have anymore children and we made our peace with it. I’ve always made a huge effort for her not to be bored or lonely. Lots of activities, always allowed to invite a friend. Obviously that’s all now stopped.

DH is a key worker, he’s out of the house for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week so it’s just me and her.

I’m not on social media but I’m still sent lots of texts and pictures of my friends adventures with their families. They all have more than one child and they’ve all got their partners or husbands at home. They’ve got the paddling pools out, family bike rides, bouncy castles, BBQ’s, nature trails. The list goes on.

No 11 year old wants to sit in a paddling pool with their mum. I try to do stuff with her but it all falls flat. I feel utterly utterly shit and we’ve got weeks more of this ahead. I’m desperate for some bad weather so that we can just watch films and box sets.

DH’s just got home and I’ve come straight upstairs to cry. I feel awful for feeling like this when others are ill or working long hours. If I could block out how much fun everyone else is having I’d be ok, I just can’t help comparing myself.

Btw op the Dorking Kindersley "cooking for children" books are absolutely brilliant. Each dish is broken down in to easy steps and photographed beautifully. And the recipes are for "proper"meals , covering good basic techniques,while still being appealing to DC.

I'm a mother of 3. I have plenty of pics like the ones you've described of everyone playing happily and enjoying lockdown.

However what I haven't taken photos of is the rest of it. The desperate attempt to meet all of their needs for home schooling/entertainment and feeling like I'm failing them all because there's not enough of me to give everyone the attention they deserve.

Or the bickering, constant squabbling and arguments over pointless shit that was happening either side of the 5 minute Instagram moment. Or the mess. Oh my goodness the mess.

In many ways it is good for them to have each other but being cooped up together without their friends and ith no other outlets it's not all plain sailing. DC1 is easily wound up and DC2 loves to provoke a reaction by prodding other people. It's not a good combination and they really need a break from each other.

Just like everything else, people only post the best stuff online for everyone to see.... I'm not one for pretending I have an insta-worthy life and i don't post/send pics out. But if I look back at the photos I have of this time in a few years it will probably look totally blissful!!

Me too. It's just me and my 11 year old son at home. Feeling like a crap mother as I have to pretty much leave him on his own for 7.5hrs a day when I'm working at home. Try to take him out for a walk on my half hour lunch break. He has been soo good and has up until now enjoying time at home, but has said he would like to see his friends. I don't blame him. It's not fair on him to have to go on like this until August. You have my sympathy.

Well this is an unsual situation. It probably is harder for only children , but that is not your fault. It's hard for lots of people (the elderly, those in poverty, mental health sufferers, people without gardens etc etc etc).
She will see her friends again, and in the meantime she has loving parents.

Thanks so much for all the lovely replies. I really appreciate them. I’m actually feeling much better it’s just been a long week of feeling inadequate.

We have had fun times along the way. We walk the dog every day, she’s been helping me cook, I’ve been helping her with her school work. We’ve got plans to bury a time capsule tomorrow. I think it’s the age she’s at that’s making it difficult too. We’ve always spent a lot of time together but it was easier when she was younger, she was easier to entertain!

I’m annoyed with myself for letting all the photos I get sent upset me. I know they’re just the highlights of people’s day it just all looks so much fun compared to what we’ve done!

I’m struggling massively. I have to do 7 hours a day WFH and parent a 5 year old.

I’m definitely having not enough sleep and too much wine.

I feel guilty I can’t always play or work with her but equally when i try to work I can barely get a thing done without her interruptions

Have you asked how she feels about it all? I'm an only child and my dad worked long hours, and later on when my parents had split up it was just me and her for years, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything. She said to me the other day that if this had all happened when I was a child she'd feel terribly guilty (like you she wanted more but it wasn't to be) and I told her not to think like that because I never resented it just being the two of us.

As it happened I had two children. And they're spending this time winding each other up and making me tear my hair out because I just want them to entertain each other 😂

That’s exactly it, I’m not enough

Yes you are. It's shit just now, it's not you.

I'm the mother of a single child of 22 - 2 miscarriages in my mid 30s put paid to any siblings - I know exactly how you feel - unless you are in this situation it's hard to appreciate the guilt we feel when our children are lonely - sending hugs your way OP 🌼

DS is 3 and I really feel for him not having other children to play with, although he is still young enough to enjoy our company. I think it must be harder for older children without siblings.

This too shall pass. Meanwhile you are doing your best and that is enough, it's more than enough.

I have been raising an only for 17 years, mostly on my own. A huge number of his friends are “onlies”or have such age difference with their siblings they should count as one.

It has been difficult for me at times as apart of working full time, doing all shores on my own I had to be the main play partner of DS and considering that the guy is hyperactive you can imagine he wouldn’t stop. I do not have, however, any guilt about him not having siblings.

A sibling will not necessarily be a friend, many siblings spend all time bickering with each other and there is nothing the can do to get away. DS enjoys the company of the friends he chose himself and can walk away when things do not work anymore.

One thing I wish someone could have told me when my child was the age of your DD is that in a year or so, they will want more space and would prefer to spend all her time with their friends, their phone, the Xbox, the wifi or themselves.

Make the best of this time to connect with your child, enjoy the attention, up your game because you might not have her around much in the next few years even when she becomes the “lodger“ who lives in the next room.

Not to minimise OP, but almost everyone I know is struggling.

My friends with only children feel like you do, us with more kids (I have 3, the youngest whom is disabled) feel guilty we aren't able to give our children the one to one time and level of home education they need. My heavily pregnant friend is terrified, my friend who was about to undergo IVF is heartbroken (her age may mean she won't get this round afterall) my keyworker friend is constantly worried she is going to being it home to her children, my friends with elderly parents feel incredibly guilty, my shielding and childless friend feels lonely and isolated.... we all feel shit and guilty and not good enough.

So it's best to try and take the positives where you can.

This is just one little idea but my dd18 has become addicted - making scrunchies. Go through all your old clothes that you don't want , get some hair bobbles , watch the instructions on you tube and off you go ! She could maybe post some to some friends with a nice note in too ?

I'm the single parent of an only who is also 11.
I think that probably gives us a different dynamic and perspective to you though.

I hear you op! I hate all the photos. The comparing. He’s the thief of joy, that comparison.

Not sure of budget or space OP but a few ideas stolen from friends.

My Dd is a toddler so not the same really.

One friend has a ten daughter and got a lazy spa. They pair of them have been in it constantly. Your paddling pool made me think of that.

Another friend and her son have both got Fitbit and have been doing the challenges set by those. So walking across New York etc virtually over a week. His friends have one so that's given an element of connection to them and they can do competitions etc. She said her son was constantly running up and down the stairs to beat her.

It is hard though. DH is lambing and I'm alone all day with Dd. We used to have stuff everyday and I feel I'm failing her even at this age because we don't do much. I'm not crafty and she has no attention span.

Honestly, yes, they have fun together for about FIVE SECONDS before they start to FIGHT. They are bored so they wind each other up deliberately and overreact. That is why parents of several kids rush desperately from paddling pool to obstacle race to nature craft to whatever. To distract them sufficiently to stop them bashing up and tormenting each other! I've been in tears too. Every single morning I check the news - have schools opened? Open them please!

It’s the same storm different boat thing

SM photos are the best 30seconds of a day it’s not reflective of the whole day. I have a very close friend who sends perfect family photos - but I know her marriage is struggling, she has been utterly depressed by a midlife crisis type thing & she finds parenting incredibly unrewarding.

Stop comparing

My 11 yr old would often like to be shot of her siblings! She has a regular Skype call with a small group of close friends (4 of them) & they have terrific fun - games & chat & sometimes just keeping each other company as they knit/paint their nails/sew. Would your daughter like something like that?
All my kids together do calls to friends too & have a lovely time chatting & playing battleship/forbidden island/connect 4 over FaceTime.

We are working though a learn to draw book & nature journaling together (all of us but mostly me & the 11 yr old)
We have tie dye, dip dye & sun prints ready to go, plan to make some cuddly toys

You've got heaps of great replies here so I don't want to add too much but just wanted to say that no one has the perfect set up and whatever issues or tensions are in your family have been magnified x1000 by this lockdown and that's true for everyone.

I have 2 dc that are close in age, they adore each other but fight heaps and I feel like I can't have any 1on1 with either. They've both cried because they miss their friends and talk about how lonely they are so it's not that a sibling, however loving, can never be "enough" in this situation. Alas my dh wfh but he's locked in a room on calls 8hrs a day and I feel massively resentful! So although we have been for some lovely bike rides or walks in the sun, and I could take some fab pictures, everyone is struggling and that is totally normal when we're in the middle of a pandemic and having to totally change our lives!

Sending love and 🍷

Yes I do

I felt guilty before all of this and this has just amplified it

We initially didn't want any more then I did and dh didn't then I persuaded him to try when we were almost too old. Got pregnant but sadly lost it.

Now probably am definitely too old and I feel very guilty for my dc.

Can't believe that dh and I are the only company for our dc for the foreseeable. We try but we are both working from home in stressful busy jobs.. dc is having far more screen time than I would like

I constantly feel guilty that my Dd(10) is an only but I know I can’t change that (too old now) but the great thing is we have been going for lovely bike rides from our house, going on some roads which we didn’t do before due to too much traffic. I couldn’t do this if we had a younger sibling so I am appreciating the age that she is.

However, I have been letting her use my phone regularly so that she can video chat her friends - which seems to be daily now!

We have also been doing more arts and crafts (sketching and rock painting) and she does do Minecraft or Roblox too.

Sometimes I do feel that my DD does demand a lot of my attention though which can be hard.

DD is now doing her school work online where the teacher messages her and the class so she feels a bit more connected.

Hope things get better for you both.

Looks like our only will be home for a while as not in the 3 year groups named. ..
It's so hard seeing him on his own whilst we have to work

People only share the "happy" photos!!!!

I'm sure it is far from wonderful a lot of the time.

This. People never show photos of the bad times so it looks as though they are always happy, and that's just not real life.

I'm an only and had I been in this situation I would have been perfectly happy at home with my Mum. Only children are generally good at amusing themselves, they have to be. Of course she is missing her friends, but it won't be forever. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

It's been getting to me too. My 13 year old has been home alone while I work full time. He is going back to school today.