I've never dreaded anything as much as homeschooling tomorrow

[homeschoolmyarse]

My child is having an absolute meltdown
He's 12
But he's being absolutely vile to me
I actually think he wants to kill me
I cannot deal with this

Dyslexic and we were just starting with an Ed psych assessment

I can't bear this

Haven’t read the full thread but just let him
Pick what he wants to do. Mine likes reading so will do that happily. Occasionally will attempt a literacy task but not maths. Just go with it. Being calm and happy is better.

One of mine can be very very challenging and confrontational - the other has the organisation and sequencing ability of a particularly scatterbrained housebrick (second one diagnosed with dyspraxia but I also think inattentive ADHD in there as well).

What is working in our house - after it almost breaking me trying to establish a routine is using the kitchen timer. We do something - 15 minute break - 30 minute stint on the kitchen timer - 15 minute break and repeat. Get a good hour and a half of work done in the morning if you include 15 minutes reading/reading journal where they can write mini book reviews or draw parts of whatever they've just read, then an hour for the eldest off and on the school learning software thing they've subscribed to, and then a bit of maths games - the younger one I really have to make adult-led and actually the older one has risen to it now it's the kitchen timer enforcing it and not me.

Then the afternoon they know we'll do something "fun" (they got a "gross science" set recently that's been broken out) in either Science or something crafty or some badge work for the Cubs and Beavers for a bit - and the rest of the time is their own. It seems to be working - leaves me bloody drained to hell by the end of the day and ready for a lie down in a darkened room by about 2pm but it's reduced the confrontation in here no end.

Basically I've taken the pressure off the eldest who can be explosive altogether - she knows she has a block of 30 minutes to work on the school software but that it's her choice what subject out of Maths/English/Science she does - so she thinks she's getting her own way when she isn't! Her behaviour had been horrendous but it's starting to simmer down and is probably better than it is when she's home after school now to be honest.

The younger one has regressed a lot and is a lot more anxious and I'm worried about her to be honest - her class teacher is trying to check in on her as much as she is able.

Sorry things haven't been easy today.

These kind of behaviours (in your post from today) can be part if a picture of executive dysfunction in ADHD and other neurodevelopmental conditions. Impulse suppression can be very difficult and off the chart behaviours can become cyclical. So.etimes the more you resist, the more the behaviours escalate. Suggest you try pushing back a bit by not telling him to stop, instead tickling him, kissing his hand repeatedly or another form of physical rough housing the feels safe. Make it humorous and less like something he is doing and you are repressing. Can't guarantee it will work, but worth a try maybe.

You can do it non physically by doing something like standing still and saying "eww, you want to LICK me? I haven't showered for a week. I must taste of old socks" or something.

Sounds like a lot of sensory seeking behaviour, And a lot of anxiety maybe?

Some deep pressure or heavy work activities may help him to regulate a bit?

Can you get out for a walk or a bike ride?

Brilliant at I can fly.

After two days, of lots of meltdowns, I emailed school and told them we were not coping with his behaviour as a family due to the stress of his meltdowns trying to get him to work. My union went on strike over having to teach violent children... sod that in my own home.

He is learning stuff, without noticing really.

The executive dysfunction sounds spot on.

The sensory behaviour is ridiculous now I think about it. I guess it’s becoming more obvious now because he’s 12 and it’s more inappropriate. If I walk past him he wants me to hold his feet, he hugs and kisses me if I go within an inch of him. He’s constantly asking for tickles- he’s nearly as big as me!!

We do have tickling sessions(!) and I do mess around with him, but he doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t take it in when I say stop

I’ve found a Ed psychologist who says he will come round to do an assessment. The school gave me his name, but I’m a bit hesitant as I don’t want this to be a waste of time and money. He really needs to be observed at school. What can he do from our house? And it’s my observations, the sensory stuff doesn’t happen with anyone else

I’ve managed to get him engaged in the lessons, and he’s sent stuff back in, but the attitude prevails. He’s done 20mins maths today, that’s it, but now he stomping around saying I said we could watch something together. I never did.
And he goes on and on. This week is about asking Santa for the Lego Death Star! Santa!! He knows he doesn’t bloody exist

Could you turn that obsession into working? So he could write a letter to ask for it, but focusing on why he should get it? Maybe even what he is going to do to show he deserves it?

(Obviously only works if getting it will be an option)

I’ve just suggested that and he seems keen!!

I wouldn’t do it either

homeschool ds got an ASD diagnosis last year and his behaviour seems far more 'autistic' now in his teens than it did when he was 5 years old.

We have lots of fidget toys. Stretchy noodles that Ds likes to wind around his fingers, squishy toys and loads of soft cuddly toys. Have you tried any of those kind of things? A weighted blanket maybe? Although they can be expensive.

Don't be disappointed in the 20mins of maths. 20mins is better than none at all. If you can afford it you could go ahead with the educational psychologist assessment to start getting the ball rolling whilst in lockdown. Ds has never been seen by the educational psychology team so I'm not sure what they will be looking at in the home environment.

How did you get your diagnosis?

He used to get given fidget toys in school in year 3
even the idea of Those weighted blankets makes me feel claustrophobic? How on earth do they work?

He cannot understand that if he just sat down and focused it would all be over sooner. All the drama makes it last 10 times as long. Cause and effect means nothing to him

I agree you should get the Ed Psych in as soon as poss, and the very fact that he largely holds it together in school and has fallen to bits at home means that the EP needs to see him at his MOST disregulated.

I’d also consider asking for a referral to Occupational Therapy for his sensory needs as soon as possible.

Re weighted blankets, they are sort of like being swaddled/hugged. The first time I tried one with my eldest, it was like flicking a switch and he settled immediately and then dozed off. Get the heaviest one you can find. Your local OT department might have one you can borrow to try out.

And yes yes to cause and effect not being joined up in the same way as you’d expect. It just isn’t. Consequences won’t have the same outcomes either.

Do you mind indicating roughly where in the U.K. you are?

Re diagnosis, child 1 was diagnosed privately through a local clinic, child 2 was done under the NHS and child 3 will probably be done under the NHS too.

In the north west
When you say nhs, did you start off with GP?

He’s currently in a sleeping bag!!

Mine love a sleeping bag too!

With eldest, went to GP and asked for a referral to paediatrician, and she recommended the private clinic we went to for diagnosis. The diagnostic procedure was that he was assessed by their SLT, clinical psychologist and paediatric psychiatrist, and he had already had an OT assessment. The clinic also sent questionnaires to us and to his school. I think they did Connors, Vanderbilt and the ADOS. We then applied for an EHC assessment and he now has an EHCP.

Child 2 we knew was also divergent but very different to child 1. Went to my GP and got her to refer him to a private paediatrician who took one look at him and referred him back to NHS community paed with a note saying basically “this kid has ADD and a specific learning difficulty or I’ll eat my hat. Please formalise.” So he did. We had him assessed for SpLd and it turns out he has dyslexia and dyspraxia. He also has an EHCP now with 1:1 support.

After going through all this, child 3 is just a rubber stamp really. ADD, high functioning ASD with sensory. Will get it formalised once lockdown is over.

The eldest, often the most sensitive of them all, also likes a den. We make cardboard dens and small spaces to get into and he loves that. We have a trampoline and he cycles. I think of him like a big Labrador that needs a good run every day.

The route to diagnosis will vary from area to area, if you are on Facebook searching for your local areas parent carers groups is a good way to find out what the local pathway is.

For us the GP wasn’t involved at all it was school/school horse who triggered the referrals needed. In most areas it a very long wait though it took us nearly 3 years from start to finish and that was deemed pretty quick!

V true. We effectively jumped the queue by seeing a private paediatrician first.

home sirzy is right it does vary. In our area it is the schools that do the NHS referrals for autism and adhd. Our local Child Development Centre won't accept them from the gp. Ds was referred in year 9 and was diagnosed with ASD at the start of year 11.

Following something I read on here, I've been trying some proprioceptive activities with my child who's the same age. Basically "heavy work" - can include squeezing and also things like pushing against a door. Some of the exercises could be done in school.

He ran away today
Only as far as to sit in the front garden with the bins.
I’ve just cried for an hour
I cannot deal with his inability to focus and to understand that it would be over quicker if he didn’t procrastinate.
I’ve told the teachers that we will get the work back in our time.

home 💐. It's fine that the work goes back on yours and Ds's timescale. Don't put any pressure on next week and see anything that gets done as a bonus.

I get the frustration, I sometimes sit and think about my Ds and how he's a bright boy but can't do so many things that NT teenagers do so easily. But that's him and it's not his fault. His diagnosis has helped us and others start to understand him more.

Hope you can have a good weekend, forget about the school stuff for now.