Is school being unreasonable?

[CinnabarRed]

Background:

• 3 DCs aged 12, 10 and 8. All go to the same school (private).
• I’m a single parent. XH pays the DCs school fees, which I couldn’t come close to affording.
• XH is a very good, hands on father and has the 50% of the time. The way our arrangement works means that during lockdown I home-school the DCs on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays.
• XH has married again - the DCs’ step mum is truly lovely, and has two older DCs of her own (17 and 14) that my DCs really like.
• I work full time, currently from home obviously. I only started my job in February, so haven’t built up the capital/trust that I had in my old job. It’s demanding, and I have a team to manage remotely and keep occupied.

The school has mandated that, from the start of term on Monday, all three kids must be on separate Teams meetings from 8:20am until 4:45pm for live lessons, with full parental participation throughout. I only have two laptops, including my work one, so will have to give the third DC my work phone to access Teams. My rural WiFi isn’t great, so I have no idea how three live streams simultaneously will work.

The DCS are following their existing timetables, which include exercise time, but none of them back exercise scheduled at the SAME time so I can’t take them out for a walk during the day.

The DCs can’t be in their bedrooms for safeguarding reasons, but do have to be in separate rooms. I’ll have to put one in the kitchen, one in the living room but then I run out of non-bedroom rooms and so will have to somehow create suitable space on the landing. I don’t know how yet.

The school has effectively wiped out my ability to work for three days out of five. I’ve explained to the school that this won’t work for me, and that keeping my job and a roof over our heads has to be my priority sometimes - they couldn’t have been less sympathetic. In fact, I have to provide a written explanation daily for any lessons missed.

I can see that their proposals would be great for their more typical family set up - one or two children, dad working from home, mum not working and able to help. But I just can’t see how I can possibly keep going like this.

Just explain and they'll understand. They won't mind at all

That's clearly nonsense as the OP has said she's already tried that, how are you sure they won't mind?

I have a friend who is having a similar issue with her son's private school. I think it's a combination of having to justify the fees and being desperate to try and steal a march on state schools who ime are being way more reasonable about what is possible during lockdown. She is hitting the same wall as you.

It's an impossible situation, I hope you can find an answer.

Put the ball back in their court - ask for a loan tablet.

Who has set up this arrangement hasn’t joined up their thinking.

My daughter's partner’s school has problems with significant numbers of pupils with no devices and no wifi just phones with limited data.

Sounds mental!

DCs school (also private) checked that everyone had access to a device and lent out laptops to those who didn't!

I also think they are offering it but whether you take it up is up to you.

Can you swap some days with XH so he has the lions share of the school days?

Once it gets going you’ll probably find that it’s fine for a child to duck out briefly if they need you. Just might help a bit to know that.

The safeguarding rules are ridiculous. The deputy head is a dickhead. I was also going to suggest your ex sorts devices out. He pays for the schooling. His job to provide the means with the money he is saving on the discount.

I agree with prioritising your 12 yo right now. And perhaps you should point out to deputy Dick head that you know of state schools allowing children into school if they don’t have wifi or devices. And maybe the school be considering the same...

To be fair, it’s a great school. I’m sure the pressure they’re under is no less than the pressure I’m under.

I’d very much like it to keep going so the DCs can attend when all of this is over! I’d be happy to keep paying for as long as I have money, but it’s not my call of course. I’m still paying my childcare and my cleaner and my hairdresser for that very reason.

Again, to be fair to the school, I think a big part of the reason they think that parental participation is needed is because of the potential for tech issues, not because the DCs can’t work independently.

I think that a lot of you are right, and that either the tech issues will be insurmountable (in which case they’ll scale back) or the DCs will get used to them and be able to manage more for themselves and need less from me.

Either way, we’ll give it our very best shot tomorrow, but not get too stressed if it doesn’t work out as planned.

Why can't they be in their bedrooms?

@Macaroni46 I don't think there's any vitriol here. Plenty of teachers who all think the school (specifically the deputy head) are being unreasonable in their expectations. I've read lots of teacher bashing posts / threads on mumsnet. This isn't one of them. Also, OP has 'explained' and the deputy head hasn't 'understood', or don't you read the OP's posts?

I spoke to the deputy head. He said that he has 3 DCs and his wife is a key worker and he still has to teach - if he can do it then I should be able to as well.

Perhaps he could explain exactly how in those circumstances he manages "full parental participation" for each of his three children whilst working full time? Because I simply don't believe him.

Politely point out to the Deputy Head that presumably his 3 kids go to the school as well, so when he's teaching he's also including his own kids at the same time, meaning that his situation is completely different to yours. I would also point out that whilst his wife is a keyworker, that means he has another adult at home to help, whereas you are a single parent.

I spoke to the deputy head. He said that he has 3 DCs and his wife is a key worker and he still has to teach - if he can do it then I should be able to as well.

Well then he's a judgey twat then, isn't he?

It's not about whether it works for him, it's about whether it works for you. Clearly it's stressing you out and your priority has to be safeguarding your own children's wellbeing and your own mental health.

If that means asserting yourself with the school and telling them to back off and give you some breathing space, then they're just going to have to accept it. I would try to get them online for the lessons if possible in case it works out fine, but if it proves too stressful (and I was in this situation before Easter, running from room to room with different SEN DC - ridiculous), let the DC do alternate days.

If you don't have sufficient adults to supervise, I would explain that they would be unsupervised and cite the safeguarding issue - you can't physically be everywhere and they need to accept that.

Also, the BBC Bitesize lessons start tomorrow so they might be helpful to supplement any missed teams lessons.

I agree with those who say the school will scale back their expectations fairly quickly once they start, until they are offering something more realistic. Family set-ups either like yours or both parents working from home/ one a key-worker one working from home are going to be extremely common in private school I would have thought. Do what you reasonably can and don't go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy impossible expectations.

My two are both senior school and use their laptops in school so their schools know all their students have that. They are also aware of the limitations of broadband. One has been "back" for the last 4 days and has already commented to me on the disadvantages of video sessions even with a class of 10-12 (6th form) - she is amongst a few electing to turn her video off unless it is needed but I think that will increase. My son's school (he's yr 10) did a week online before the holidays and have altered how they will run things next week - including that teachers have been asked to set roughly half as much work as normal. (he doesn't believe they will though!) Both schools have significant numbers of international students some of whom are now in very different timezones.

We've been asked to ideally be around when they have their private music lessons, which are the only things specified not to be in bedrooms. One school plan that individual lessons will all be recorded (presumably for safeguarding). Our layout will be, eldest in study bedroom, youngest in family room (sometimes in study), husband in study, and my teaching (music lessons) either in family room or my bedroom. I've just drawn up a weekly chart so we can see how intensive our internet usage is likely to be and hopefully avoid all 4 of us doing video sessions at the same time as I expect our (fairly good) broadband will fall over if we do.

This sounds like the expectations of DH's school. Believe me , the teachers are crying about this too.

You only need to read the teacher bashing threads on here to see where this has all come from, though (especially the one bout school fees with actual lawyers providing advice). The vocal, articulate minority have forced private school hands or threatened to withdraw fees.

Before the holiday, DH's school was not doing live lessons; then they had a special virtual meeting to be told they are (believe me, OP, half the teachers also don't have enough laptops to go round at home!) . What do you suppose happened in between to change that school's direction of travel?

This really illustrates the real reason why private schools get good results. They can work on the basis that the children will be provided with resources (laptops, headphones, internet connection) and parental supervision to ensure that the children concentrate and there are no behavioural issues. Simples.

Let's not forget the extent to which the whole lockdown experience is different for those will comfortable lifestyles.

More practically, with a laptop each and headphones, I see no reason why you can't all work in the same room, say at the dining table. It's not too different to an office. Having the older one there to model good behaviour would be good, too

It would be worth doing what you can to ensure that the 'workstations' are as comfortable as possible and avoid hunching over. If you can get hold of external keyboards then you can use them at table level which propping the laptop up on a couple of books to bring the screen to eye level.

Teams is a really good environment. If your internet connection or the WiFi isn't up to supporting four concurrent video streams I would encourage you to do as we do at work. Start with video camera switched on to say hello then switch off and rely on audio. Teams let's you share files in a really convenient way so everyone on the 'team' can see what you are writing. Perfect for interactive lessons even without without video.

Your DC are getting an early insight to how offices work now a days. Ive down some teams with our personal lawyers, too in this time.

Learning to concentrate in these conditions will be a very useful skill. All the best.

I would suggest speaking with Head, since you got nowhere with the Deputy.
Our private school has asked parents to provide laptops per child, but is also lending some to families who cannot. In your situation it is reasonable to ask.
The work being set should be accessible enough to children to complete independently.
Good luck.

Tell them you can't.

Let's face it - what can they do if you don't do it.

We are primary and access and logistics is the key reason why we aren't doing live lessons. And, although putting out plenty of home learning, it's with a big note for parents that we have no expectations and fully understand that parents are trying to juggle wfh and childcare.

Your child's school is being unreasonable in their expectation.

This is happening because they think the parents want it.

If enough parents complain, the school will scale it back, so long as the parents agree to still pay the fees.

I think the majority of parents DO want it, to be fair. I probably would, if I were a SAHM with the time and resources to do it. Or even two WFH parents who could tag-team.

A minority of the parents are a bit pushy. They organised a petition for Mandarin lessons from Y1. I was glad when the school refused - my DCs were still grasping the basics of the Roman alphabet at the start of Y1, let alone starting on Chinese characters.

@Macaroni46 did you miss the part where the OP already said she'd had a reasonable conversation and was dismissed?

Politely point out to the Deputy Head that presumably his 3 kids go to the school as well, so when he's teaching he's also including his own kids at the same time, meaning that his situation is completely different to yours. I would also point out that whilst his wife is a keyworker, that means he has another adult at home to help, whereas you are a single parent.

This!! Tell them it'll be best endeavours from you but they have to appreciate these are exceptional circumstances and you'd appreciate their understanding and support.

FFS. The DCs have just been told that they’re getting homework on top of 9 hours’ schooling per day. Each has to be completed within 24 hours. This is ridiculous.

Why can’t they work in their bedrooms? I don’t see why that’s a safeguarding concern.

You have just identified the problem yourself OP. It isn't the school : it's the Mandarin pushing parents...unfortunately, private schools are businesses and parents view themselves as paying clients.

I would just get done what you/your DCs can. They really can't do anything about it form school end. The excitement and energy will wear off no doubt.

On the subject of the Dep head (who does not sound very sympathetic), I don't know when it was decided his own 3 DCs were being taught by him simultaneously to him setting and teaching lessons. Unless they are triplets doing his subject and in his class as he teaches (probability zero) that's a silly point. Doesn't stop him from being a bit of an arse. I'd try a different, more empathetic school contact.

@CinnabarRed

Don't worry. To reassure you, I'm a deputy head and year 6 teacher in a primary school. Our headteacher is sending out work but has posted the following on our schools Facebook and Twitter and emailed it out to all parents:
""This is not homeschooling. You are, and always have been, your child's primary educator. If you decide that your child isn't going to engage with anything sent home, then so be it. If they want to spend the day baking, playing in the dirt in the garden/yard, watching TV, then that is your choice. That is your right. There is nothing to stress or feel guilty about."

Don't worry x