Why THE FUCK can I not cook with melted chocolate?

[CheriLittlebottom]

Every. Single. Fucking. Time. It does that stupid go dry and solid thing.

Thought I was overheating it but this time it was perfectly melted until I took it off the bain Marie and added it to the other ingredients - exactly what the recipe told me to do and it STILL FUCKED UP! WHY????

So pissed off. I had given up trying but DD really wanted to make something and I actually found a recipe for rocky road in a proper recipe book so that it wouldnt fuck up AND YET FUCK UP IT DID. AGAIN!!

I want to stamp my feet and cry angry tears. What a fucking waste of chocolate.

Is it very cheap chocolate? You want more cocoa solids.

Also do not get any water in it from the Bain Marie.

Are you using milk chocolate? Or dark?

Some water from the steam will have got into the chocolate.

You can rescue it by adding water to it a teaspoon of boiling water at a time and stirring vigorously.

Microwave chocolate, every single time. 30 second blasts and stir

Dark chocolate. Fairly cheap (Sainsbury's own) though the white was the same stuff and it was fine.

Definitely no water/steam getting in there, it was off the Bain Marie and on the opposite side of the kitchen when it started to go to fuck.

Water or steam getting in it. I always microwave mine in short blasts.

This is either going to sound patronising or woo so I apologise in advance, but every time I've been under pressure to make something with chocolate, it's seized. I once ruined £30 worth because I had to get stuff made for a school bake sale that I'd forgotten about, and I seized four lots in a row. You have to be more zen with it. Don't rush it. Don't get all tense with it because that's how things get splashed...

You can totally tell me to fuck off, it's fine

Microwaving it has, in the past, produced worse results for me.

Best cooking tip I've ever read is from a Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall cookbook to melt chocolate in the oven. Not too high heat, over proof bowl, add a small knob of butter, take out and stir occasionally but it is so much easier.

Put the bowl over a pan of water filled with just boiled water then leave it alone. It melts slowly so doesn’t seize up.

Lonny I was definitely not zen. I get really tense with any melted chocolate now because it hates me and I know it wants to go to shit to spite me.

You’re either heating it too quickly (Bain Marie water should barely be bubbling) or getting water in it.

Do you always use the same chocolate?

What ingredients did you add to it, I’ve found that adding stuff in the wrong order can sometimes make it seize.

Always take it off before it’s fully melted and stir until the rest melts through.
Never had an issue with even the cheapest of chocolates this way

Microwave it in thirty second blasts on Low. (Maybe 1 minute for the first blast but be really really careful for subsequent goes). Take it out while it still has a couple of lumps. Much less likely to lead to disaster.

It does, lovey, it does. It is evil and sentient. The only way to conquer it is to only ever look at it out of the corner of your eye. Bastard chocolate.

It has either seized, some water or steam got in, in which case a teaspoon of boiling water might bring it back

Or it overheated in which case pour it into a cold, dry bowl stir to cool a bit and add more solid chocolate to it, it should slack off. The more overheated the harder it is to bring it all back but you can sieve out the stubborn lumps.

Good luck

I don't know if this helps you now, but I've got a great recipe for rocky road where you just shove it all in one pan on the hob and then cool in the fridge. For another day perhaps! I can post it if you like?

Water makes chocolate seize. What exactly did you do and what recipe were you using?

Sometimes the ingredients you add to it can affect it. Or the temperature of the ingredients. Agree it's a bastard.

I agree, never look directly at the chocolate and never catch it's eye.

Chocolate hates me but I kill it fairly painlessly by microwaving it for 20 seconds at a time, stir, another 20 secs, stir etc. Before I start I make sure the bowls/spatulas are as clean as if I was going to make meringues (although meringues hate me too )

I'm the same op every single time I manage to fuck it up!! So frustrating.

It was added over (as per recipe) a mixture of mini marshmallows, crushed digestives, condensed milk and melted butter. Those things were all mixed together already.

The chocolate didn't fuck up until I started mixing it together. It didn't turn while melting, for once.