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Original poster

Husband in a foul mood

69 replies

suspended · 12/04/2020 13:22

At this moment husband is not really speaking to me. He will respond if pushed but it is nothing more than a grunt.

I have no idea what I have done- it is definitely
Me as he is being lovely with our daughter.

He's made little digs at me over the past few days, mostly indicating that I am annoying him in one way or another. Not with things I'm doing per se, but like the way I talk and dress and things like that.

He's been cooped up in the study on the computer (not gaming or anything just browsing with the door open) for the past 3 days.

He's taking dd out on a bike ride every day but is otherwise completely demotivated. His day is lie in, computer, coffee, beers from 6pm sofa and bed. He's pulling his weight in terms of housework though.

He is definitely an extrovert and spends a lot of time away from home playing in a couple of bands and in a cycling club. This suits as I am a homebody introvert and I like being alone, at home.

I am trying my best as I know he is finding being cooped up hard. But it really isn't my fault! I am being accommodating etc.

Last night I got to the verge of tears after dd went to bed and called him out on it. Asked what I have done? He didn't say anything. I was polite and said that I really didn't appreciate the constant digs about my appearance (doesn't like my clothes and said something about my body) and the way I talk (he is more well spoken than me and I occasionally use colloquialisms which he cringes at). He also has a go at my age which is 5 years older than him.

I said It was nasty and that if he wasn't coping with lockdown then we need to find a solution because he can't take it out on me. I suggested he get out on his bike for a 20 miler (he always feels better after that) and he just grunted at me and ignored me.

I'm reading this back and what I've wrote is horrendous. I know what I would say to someone else who posted this. But please can anyone give me some advice on what to do? Keep out of his way until his mood clears? Keep prodding to see what's up? Is he fed up with me etc? Is he depressed?

Help.

I went to bed early and have woke up pissed off: I may be irritating him in close quarters ( I expect a lot of people are spending a lot more time with their partners than they'd like tbh) but there is nothing I can do about that.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/04/2020 13:26

I'm sorry, I don't know what you can do. But he's being very unpleasant, and making a horrible situation far worse - not just for you, but for your DD who won't be enjoying the atmosphere, or seeing her father treat her mother like this.

I know what I wouldn't be doing. Cooking for him, doing any washing or ironing for him, anything like that. And I'd be polite when speaking to him, because your daughter is there, but not going out of my way to speak to him. And when he makes rude comments, very quietly saying to him, like he's a child, 'that was very rude, and you know it. When you make comments like that to anybody, they're saying far more about you, than they do about the person you are attempting to belittle'.

And then leaving him to it.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/04/2020 13:29

I think he needs to tell you if it's lockdown thats making him like this or is there an underlying issue that you need to address together. I cant help but feel that he is choosing to behave like this though. Its hard for him so hes making it hard for you. Does he hace form for punishing you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/04/2020 13:39

Do you have a spare bedroom, OP? He needs to move into it so that you don't have to have your sleeping time encroached on by this moody moron and so that you also have a place to go for peace.

I'd stop engaging with him, let him sulk on his own. It's always a choice to behave like knob and you've told him to no avail.

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YgritteSnow · 12/04/2020 13:42

Honestly, the criticism and complete lack of interest in engaging with you makes me wonder if he has someone else.

Original poster
suspended · 12/04/2020 14:00

Yeah I broadly agree with you all, I want to know if it is just lockdown depression or if it is something deeper.

Don't have a spare room for him or me to sleep in. But beds are for sleeping so I don't mind sharing a bed.

He doesn't really have form for 'punishing' really. He does like to criticise imperfection, he is a perfectionist and I am not. But this has went beyond.

The age thing was always a joke, but now it feels personal.

I'm not even angry at him, I was hurt yesterday but I feel blank today about it. Keeping out of his way and he's keeping out of mine.

He is a quiet guy generally and finds it difficult to articulate his issues well- that's why I thought I'd put my big girl pants on and tackle it head on, yesterday. But he was unresponsive.

He's even in the middle of a massive diy project and has tonnes of time and hasn't even made a mark on it since lockdown. That's why I'm thinking he's not coping well- he's normally a hard worker and very motivated.

I dont think he has anyone else. He's terrible with that stuff. I am his one and only girlfriend/wife and he had only slept with one person once before me. It's unlikely.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/04/2020 14:07

If he's a perfectionist, then he needs to reflect on just how imperfect his current behaviour is, and to seek to improve. . .

Pogmella · 12/04/2020 14:33

Have you tried a sympathetic ‘we’ve all noticed how much you’re struggling how can we help you’ vein...

Original poster
suspended · 12/04/2020 15:13

Actually I haven't tried that yet. I suggested /asked if it was because of lockdown and he bit my head off. Started with W sarcastic snappy 'don't start with the lockdown rubbish' but he is definitely the kind of person who pushes back.

Honestly he's just come in. I've been cleaning/hoovering through the bottom floor of the house this morning. Put everything away, dusted etc. He's just came in and noticed a bag in the corner of the lounge (literally the only thing out of place in the whole room since I have cleaned up) and looked around, and said 'whys that in the corner? Put it away will you?' It's like nothing I can do is going to please him (not that I was trying to, I was just generally cleaning up). I might go out for a walk to get out. My Fitbit is complaining I haven't done enough steps anyway.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/04/2020 15:19

'whys that in the corner? Put it away will you?'

'I beg your pardon?! I don't know who the hell you think you are, but I do know, and you should too, that I'm not your bloody servant. I've been working my arse off cleaning and tidying, and you are so rude as to come in here and that's the first thing out your bloody mouth? You can shift your arse to put it away, I'm off out.'

Which possibly would lead to a huge row. Which possibly might be a good thing.

FlaskMaster · 12/04/2020 15:25

It's emotional abuse. I don't know what I'd do but I'd be tempted to change the locks. Maybe look online for women's aid type advice and see what they suggest for getting him out. You can't carry on like this. It's horrible for you but it'll be really confusing and upsetting for your dd to see it going on.

cushioncovers · 12/04/2020 15:32

You say he spend a lot of time away from the home pursing his hobbies etc. He's a perfectionist and usually very motivated doing what he wants to do? So I'd say he's not coping at all with being forced into a lockdown situation and is taking it out on you. Some people can't cope with any upset without lashing out on others. It's not acceptable op but you already know that. Other than talking to him about it or just ignoring him and getting on with your day to day stuff I'm not sure what else you can do.

billy1966 · 12/04/2020 15:34

OP, he's a very nasty bully, isn't he.

He has shown you very clearly who he is.

I would refuse to engage with him other than to tell him his behaviour will neither be forgiven nor forgotten and will have consequences.

I also tell him, not ask him, to stay our of your way. Coukd you jig the bedrooms that you sleep with your daughter.

Don't allow him to think his nasty bullying will be tolerated.

Can you contact family and friends and let them know how nasty he is being.
I also would be tempted to put the key in the door after his bike ride. Put a bag outside the door and tell him to jog on with his nastiness.

Protect yourself OP.
Flowers

Oggden1 · 12/04/2020 15:38

My exh did this and he's my exh. It was horrific to live with.
Everyone thinks he's lovely but I know different.
Stay strong and honestly it's not worth living with someone hwo treats you like that

Parker231 · 12/04/2020 15:42

Go out for a long walk. He can sort out housework and meals for the rest of the day!

Pogmella · 12/04/2020 15:48

@FlaskMaster change the locks when you’re all locked down together?! What- with him inside?!

justasking111 · 12/04/2020 15:50

Either not coping or missing the arms of another woman.

FlaskMaster · 12/04/2020 16:00

@Pogmella no, clearly not! I said I'd be tempted to (obviously when he was out) not that it's actually a doable option right now.

Original poster
suspended · 12/04/2020 16:30

He's just made us Sunday dinner, sat down chatted normally. Wasn't weird at all. Isn't doing it in front of our daughter (which is good). She. Organised a scavenger hunt for us and he did it in good jest.

So whatever grudge he is harbouring for me he isn't extending to her. He's gone back in the room now on the computer.

Going out for our walk now :-)

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/04/2020 16:42

I don't know why you're trying yourself in knots and pandering to the daft twat OP. He's blatantly bullying you. He's making a very stressful situation miserable and more tense than it needs to be.

Go for a walk, tell him when you get back that obviously as he no longer likes you that when this is over maybe it's time to talk about what separating looks like. That he doesn't get to behave like a dickhead just because he's grounded.

Seriously, stand up for yourself.

Otherrooms · 12/04/2020 16:51

He's a nasty bully. He also knows what he's doing which is why he's playing happy families in front of your DD. He may well have made dinner and is doing things with your DD but ** he's treating you like dirt.
whys that in the corner? Put it away will you?' is a really shitty way to talk to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/04/2020 16:57

He's a calculating twat, OP. Be prepared for him to start using your daughter passive aggressively too. If he can see that this isn't bothering you, he'll take it up a notch.

If he were generally grumpy, in front of your daughter also, I'd actually understand it better as he wouldn't be singling you out for poor treatment but he's not doing that. He IS singling you out.

He isn't a nice man and whatever is going on, it's calculated. Please don't be lulled into a false sense of security just because he cooked dinner.

billy1966 · 12/04/2020 17:00

The very worst thing you coukd do OP is allow this Prick to behave normally without comment on his awful treatment of you.

That gives him the message that you will accept this behaviour...teaching him exactly how poorly he can behave without any consequences.

RUOKHon · 12/04/2020 17:05

I’d have told him to fuck off for the bag comment. Is there a reason he couldn’t have put it away himself? You don’t mention him not having functioning arms in your OP.

Are you scared of calling him out? His behaviour really is very nasty.

Maybe he’s been dumped by his OW?

Ghostlyglow · 12/04/2020 18:13

My partner does this sometimes. It's horrible. Sorry you are going through this Flowers

RightOnTheEdge · 12/04/2020 18:29

Sorry OP this must be awful for you Sad
He's being a horrible bully knowing that you are stuck with him and can't even escape to go have a chat with friends or family.

It doesn't matter how tough he is finding it to cope with lock down, the fact that he can act all normal and nicely nicey on front of your dd shows that he can control his emotions and he knows exactly what he's doing.

What did you say to him about the bag thing? You need to stick up for yourself you can't let him carry on treating you like this Flowers

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