Husband in a foul mood

[suspended]

At this moment husband is not really speaking to me. He will respond if pushed but it is nothing more than a grunt.

I have no idea what I have done- it is definitely
Me as he is being lovely with our daughter.

He's made little digs at me over the past few days, mostly indicating that I am annoying him in one way or another. Not with things I'm doing per se, but like the way I talk and dress and things like that.

He's been cooped up in the study on the computer (not gaming or anything just browsing with the door open) for the past 3 days.

He's taking dd out on a bike ride every day but is otherwise completely demotivated. His day is lie in, computer, coffee, beers from 6pm sofa and bed. He's pulling his weight in terms of housework though.

He is definitely an extrovert and spends a lot of time away from home playing in a couple of bands and in a cycling club. This suits as I am a homebody introvert and I like being alone, at home.

I am trying my best as I know he is finding being cooped up hard. But it really isn't my fault! I am being accommodating etc.

Last night I got to the verge of tears after dd went to bed and called him out on it. Asked what I have done? He didn't say anything. I was polite and said that I really didn't appreciate the constant digs about my appearance (doesn't like my clothes and said something about my body) and the way I talk (he is more well spoken than me and I occasionally use colloquialisms which he cringes at). He also has a go at my age which is 5 years older than him.

I said It was nasty and that if he wasn't coping with lockdown then we need to find a solution because he can't take it out on me. I suggested he get out on his bike for a 20 miler (he always feels better after that) and he just grunted at me and ignored me.

I'm reading this back and what I've wrote is horrendous. I know what I would say to someone else who posted this. But please can anyone give me some advice on what to do? Keep out of his way until his mood clears? Keep prodding to see what's up? Is he fed up with me etc? Is he depressed?

Help.

I went to bed early and have woke up pissed off: I may be irritating him in close quarters ( I expect a lot of people are spending a lot more time with their partners than they'd like tbh) but there is nothing I can do about that.

*doesn't like about you

No I do t necessarily think he's got another woman. I think he finds married life boring and it's his work and numerous hobbies that keep him going. They've all been snatched away from him like many of us and he's sulking big time. It's not right that's he's been so awful towards you. His behaviour is pretty pathetic but I do think he's saying that he's bored with you and with married life. Sorry op.

That said he needs to get a fucking grip and make a decision on what he wants out of life. I'm guessing he works long hours and has a lot of social activities going on whilst you work less hours and keep everything else ticking over nicely so he can pretty much please himself?

He’s missing something ( either his social life or OW or both) and taking it out on you. This is unkind and unfair.

TBH It sounds like he doesn't like you very much, but normally puts up with you because he likes the domestic servicing.

Sorry.

Ah it's fine to tell me 'tough love' messages.

I understand.

I think the PP has it right that he does work long hours (normal hours but a nightmare commute) and has a lot of hobbies and all of that has stopped. And he's having a tantrum. Well the cycling definitely didn't have to stop ( and he was doing it up until last week) but he just seems to have turned into a blob. Sleeping, drinking, eating, moaning.

The irony of him being happy with my 'domestic servicing' ha ha. I'm shite with that, although I am trying with the lockdown. He does more housework than me and certainly cooks more. I do spend more time looking after DD though.

I guess we were both happy with the prior arrangement, not spending a lot of free time together. Although we do go on dates and we do have a healthy sex life (until this week).

It's all so weird. This morning he has been better, is painting our porch outside. Made me some lunch (without me asking) and been ok ish. I have been ignoring him. Getting on with other stuff. Cleaning the bathroom. Although he did pop in to use the loo and on the way out told me I wasn't cleaning the sink properly

Tell him you will not be stonewalled or bullied, he must remove himself for his choice of duration of his abusive behaviour. It’s also abusive to the kid being made to live with an abusive man, she’ll be on edge, folded with cortisol and feel unsafe, even if you both think the mans abusive behaviour is hidden from her. I speak from experience. Do not accept being spoken to like, or treated like scum, not even once.

Flooded with cortisol

Depression and anxiety are not excuses to bully and abuse anyone, and it’s hugely insulting to actual sufferers to suggest it.

It's called emotional abuse and I wouldn't let it go unnoticed and call him out out on it every time.

Please stop trying to question yourself and wonder what you have done wrong or ask him for a serious chat etc. Fuck that shit.

I'd be fuming if mind just snapped "busy" like that. What a twat. He's playing manipulative games with you and I agree with PP he's going to be so subtle he looks like the innocent party. Stop trying to question whether there's someone else. Easy as it is for us to type but please don't let him get away with this cruel treatment and don't pander to him.

If he does most of the housework, why is he complaining about how you cleaned the sink ?

And if he’s missing cycling so much, why doesn't he go cycling ?

And if he’s missing his mates so much , why doesn’t he call / zoom them?

My friends band is doing stuff online - what’s his doing ?

That’s why I suspect OW. It’s something he CANT do in lockdown.

Sometimes I just think “ Who the hell do you think you are talking to?” is the only response.

I hope you told him to 'clean the fucking sink himself' following his comment.

As a pp said, sometimes 'who the hell do you think you're talking to' is the only response.

These characteristics of different types of abuse may strike a chord:

clarewalkerconsultancy.com/warning-signs-how-to-spot-a-dominator/

clarewalkerconsultancy.com/resources/traits-personas/

Obviously his behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable.

He is frustrated at the situation and you are bearing the brunt of it. A long bike ride will do him good but you are only allowed out 1hr per day. Even that will help him though.

Hope you told him where the cleaning products were op..

I would start writing a diary of his treatment of you each day . U may need this one day . Keep it to yourself though

So he's been much better today and last night. Seems that bike ride did do him some good. He's just so bloody minded that when I suggested he might be frustrated he pushed back.

I am waiting for him to fully return to normal and then I will discuss this episode with him. There's no point bringing it up when he's angry, he won't listen and will double down.

It's not acceptable and I thank you all for your advice on here. I will ask for a serious chat and tell him that if he is really 'bored' then he should make plans to go.

I haven't just taken it either, I have told him that he is being awful. He knows. I have not voluntarily spoken to him for 2 days but will answer when he asks me something.

Btw Someone commented earlier that they though that he had made fun of my figure- that's not right. I said body- he was making fun of my big feet. Still a shitty thing to do.

@jackchaffinch thank you for the link.

I have read through the list of signs but he doesn't fit any of them apart from the 'sulking with no reason' he isn't aggressive to me or anyone else, doesn't control me, is a great father etc.

But he’s horrible to you - doesn’t that matter ?

And how can he be a great father when he works full time and he’s out most nights a week and at the weekends with his hobbies ?

What a childish man. Could be he’s missing his social life, could be OW. Either way it’s unacceptable.

He's definitely not a bad father, he gets in from work then does dad stuff then goes out to practise after she goes to bed. Has the occasional gig on weekends but they are late too.

On a weekend He normally keeps himself busy with diy or doing an old banger up. His dad is the same. Gets up at 6.30am and is busy all day. Can't sit still, doesn't watch tv etc. It's just their nature.

He definitely doesn't shirk the dad responsibility. Just the relationship stuff. But then we do go out together regularly and have sex. So it's a bit of a puzzle.

He's still calming down today. I'm going to make notes on what I want to say to him when he's back to normal. And I won't let it slide.