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Original poster

Husband in a foul mood

69 replies

suspended · 12/04/2020 13:22

At this moment husband is not really speaking to me. He will respond if pushed but it is nothing more than a grunt.

I have no idea what I have done- it is definitely
Me as he is being lovely with our daughter.

He's made little digs at me over the past few days, mostly indicating that I am annoying him in one way or another. Not with things I'm doing per se, but like the way I talk and dress and things like that.

He's been cooped up in the study on the computer (not gaming or anything just browsing with the door open) for the past 3 days.

He's taking dd out on a bike ride every day but is otherwise completely demotivated. His day is lie in, computer, coffee, beers from 6pm sofa and bed. He's pulling his weight in terms of housework though.

He is definitely an extrovert and spends a lot of time away from home playing in a couple of bands and in a cycling club. This suits as I am a homebody introvert and I like being alone, at home.

I am trying my best as I know he is finding being cooped up hard. But it really isn't my fault! I am being accommodating etc.

Last night I got to the verge of tears after dd went to bed and called him out on it. Asked what I have done? He didn't say anything. I was polite and said that I really didn't appreciate the constant digs about my appearance (doesn't like my clothes and said something about my body) and the way I talk (he is more well spoken than me and I occasionally use colloquialisms which he cringes at). He also has a go at my age which is 5 years older than him.

I said It was nasty and that if he wasn't coping with lockdown then we need to find a solution because he can't take it out on me. I suggested he get out on his bike for a 20 miler (he always feels better after that) and he just grunted at me and ignored me.

I'm reading this back and what I've wrote is horrendous. I know what I would say to someone else who posted this. But please can anyone give me some advice on what to do? Keep out of his way until his mood clears? Keep prodding to see what's up? Is he fed up with me etc? Is he depressed?

Help.

I went to bed early and have woke up pissed off: I may be irritating him in close quarters ( I expect a lot of people are spending a lot more time with their partners than they'd like tbh) but there is nothing I can do about that.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 12/04/2020 18:33

Imo you should have told him to shove the bag up his arse...
Or suggests he fills it with his stuff and fucks off out for good.
He is an abusive bully.

copycopypaste · 12/04/2020 18:35

I agree with the op. If he'd said that about the bag I'll have said 'I've just spent all morning cleaning this room up, I suggest you put the bag up your arse'!!

OP, he's bullying you. Regardless of why, lockdown, depression, fed up, he shouldn't be taking it out on you. He's emotionally abusing you for some reason. Stick up for yourself and call him out in it. If he doesn't like it then he can fuck the fuck off! This isn't your problem to fix, this is his issue!

Littleshortcake · 12/04/2020 18:38

I wouldn't be able to live like this at all. He certainly thinks he is superior. I would make plans to leave. There is something he is missing that he can't have in lockdown but not sure what that is. My dh takes things for granted a lot and is a tiny bit 'mr perfect' at times but he doesnt speak to me like yours does.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
ALongHardWinter · 12/04/2020 18:43

Has he been like this from the start of the lockdown? Or is a recent development?

Original poster
suspended · 12/04/2020 21:36

He is a bit of a sullen person anyways.

He was just doing some diy and I went to talk to him about some gossip I'd heard about a friend of a friend (gone to prison for fraud) and he didn't lift his head.

I said 'did you mean to be so rude?' And he said 'busy' so I said 'you've been really rude to
Me the past few days, I don't deserve that' and he said 'well I'm bored' and I said 'yes lockdown is shit but we are trying to get on with it' and he said 'it's not the lock down I'm bored with' so I said 'well we need to talk about it, so you want to have a serious chat?' He said he didn't want to.

I told him to grow up and left the room.

OP posts:
Original poster
suspended · 12/04/2020 21:38

In response to pp he is not like this usually. He's quiet, occasionally sullen etc.

Also no? I'm not kicking him out or moving in with my daughter. The last thing I'd want to do is to worry her.

We are both grown ups who can talk through problems and I'd certainly not let a 15yr relationship go without counselling or something along those lines.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 12/04/2020 22:17

Sounds like the lockdown is bringing underlying problems to the surface op. Still doesn't excuse his shitty way of dealing with it though.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 12/04/2020 22:25

Why is it up to you please him?

Why is it up to you to appease him?

If he’s moody and nasty, why do you ask pleadingly :”what have I done to upset you?”

It sounds as if your self esteem is a bit low.

When told you to tidy away the bag, did you do it?

It seems that he has the power in the relationship, and you need to tiptoe around him trying to please him because, bless him, he’s a perfectionist.

Has your relationship always been like this?

It sounds like a hard deal on you

Electrical · 12/04/2020 22:36

So he freely admits he’s bullying you for his own entertainment. No more pandering to, or servicing the scumbag, obviously.

MsJaneAusten · 12/04/2020 22:37

STBXH used to pull this shit. I spent so much time wondering what the fuck I’d done wrong. Luckily he moved out just before lock down. Thank god.

He sounds vile OP. LTB.

Original poster
suspended · 12/04/2020 22:39

No definitely hasn't always been like this, even was fine 4 days ago! That's why I'm questioning if something has happened because it's like a switch has flicked.

We are two normally calm and reasonable people who usually chat issues through. He's closed down. avoiding me.

When he said that about the bag I told the truth - that it was being left there because I needed to do something with the contents (fill out a returns form) but it was never about the bag, he wanted something to pick at. I didn't raise my voice but I concede either. He left the room after that. He's just brushing his teeth, wonder if he's going to speak to me in bed!

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 12/04/2020 22:41

OP, I am pleased you are calling him on his shit behaviour. I would now tell him he either sorts out his shit attitude or fucks off.

This lockdown is difficult but you don’t need to be his (emotional) punchbag. Draw the line for him. He doesn’t get to order you around, speak to you scathingly, give you the silent treatment or bully you. He needs to remember who you are to each other and if this isn’t what he wants then he leaves and faces up to a future without you.

OP, take back some control now - otherwise the next few weeks are going to be intolerable.

Otherrooms · 12/04/2020 23:48

it's not the lock down I'm bored with

WTF? So he's implying that he's bored with you?
Give it straight back.
He can either spend the next few weeks in silence (because you're not going to let him talk to you like dirt) or he can stop being an arse.
If he chooses the former, he can F off when this is over.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2020 00:10

So he comments on your figure, speech, and how you dress? There's just no point engaging with nasty people like that who are seeking to belittle you.

Sorry, sounds as if he doesn't like you. I'd suspect an OW that he's missing. Whatever the case - let him be grumpy and rude then but dont do anything for him if he cannot be bothered to act respectfully towards you. Don't cook clean and wash for him, let him do all the hat himself, that'll keep him busy.

copycopypaste · 13/04/2020 06:41

Tbh sounds like he's been dumped and is taking it out on you.

I'd use this time to speak to a solicitor and get your financials and documents together before lockdown ends. Just in case. Find out what to expect should you separate and what you can and can't do.

I'd also just stop engaging with him. Ignore the comments and do the bare minimum for him. If he wants to behave like a prick then he can get treated like one. I'd also speak to friends and family, you need support during this time, now is it the time to protect the arsehole. Plus depression or boredom is not an excuse to treat someone so badly

Original poster
suspended · 13/04/2020 10:01

Do people Honestly think there is an OW? He's not secretive with his phone/car/computer. Isn't that an indicator?

He is out a lot through the week but it's generally practises (with a 8 piece band)/gigs and he have to have to have a lot of people in on it if he did.

He has made it very clear that it is me that is the problem for him.

He's done this occasionally in the past. But years ago. And then got over it back to normal all ok. But at this point he has shut down and is avoiding me. He's still in bed! It's 10am. He's normally up at 8.30.

OP posts:
Frownette · 13/04/2020 10:08

Well he can't carry on stropping around like this, it's not fair on you trying to second guess everything.

Kittykat93 · 13/04/2020 10:31

So if he's not bored with the lockdown then what is he bored with? He's pretty much saying it's you. Honestly I'd tell him to spend the rest of the lockdown searching for somewhere else to live. Rude shite.

Otherrooms · 13/04/2020 10:45

Poor lamb. He's missing his clubs
He is out a lot through the week but it's generally practises (with a 8 piece band)/gigs and he have to have to have a lot of people in on it if he did.

He needs to grow up and adapt to the current situation.

He's punishing you (unfairly obviously) because he can't see his friends

I doubt he has another W. He's just an arse who is blaming the only person he can because he's bored.

Here's a possibility:
He can't occupy himself without his props- Work, the band, his normal routine
Without his normal routine he is nothing. That's a hard thing to own up to..
So, he looks for something/someone to blame... ahh, there it is OP! It's you! It's your fault!

copycopypaste · 13/04/2020 10:57

Blimey op, imagine being retired with this idiot

billy1966 · 13/04/2020 11:05

OP, he's a nasty little man who clearly has absolutely no respect for you.

Rather than focusing on him, and what's wrong with him.

Have a think about yourself and whats going on with you that you accept being spoken to and treated like something on his shoe.

He's very very comfortable looking down on you, mocking you and telling you he's bored with you.

Think about that OP.

We teach people how they can treat us and you have surely taught him that he can treat you like the house maid with the funny little accent.

Vile, odious, little man.

pussycatinboots · 13/04/2020 11:07

Leave him to his petty, childish little sulk-fest. Ignore him and go about your merry way. Please yourself what you do and when, but don't go out of your way to do anything for him - he obviously gives no shits.

You need to think long and hard if you want to spend the rest of your days years with his attitude.

SliAnChroi · 13/04/2020 11:09

He sounds a nightmare. He can't take responsibility for his own feelings so he's making it all your fault.

He is very basic. Depressingly basic.

You have to change the script. YOu're buying in to his narrative that the problem is that You Are Annoying.

Get your own narrative. You are resilient enough to cope with boredom. You take responsibility for your feelings of frustration and boredom. He is less mature and seems unable to do this. He is a blamer.

REPEAT ALL OF THIS IN YOUR HEAD A MILLION TIMES.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 13/04/2020 11:10

Ah I wondered who the ONLY person was who is finding lockdown difficult - looks like it is your H! The rest of us are waking up with joy in our hearts each day.

I would say the signs of depression are there, sleeping late, no motivation, snappy, but I dont want that to be a 'catch all' excuse for treating you so badly especially as he is managing to act well in front of DD

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/04/2020 11:25

Stay with him then. It's your marriage OP and he won't talk to you other than to insult you/your figure/anything else he does like about you.

The only saving grace is that he puts on an act for his daughter so she doesn't see this.

I'm not sure how you'll chivy it along by yourself but, crack on and best of British... and I mean that genuinely.

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