Anxious about how much screen time the kids are having

[BotBotticelli]

I am feeling really anxious (I have anxiety and this was always a - weird - trigger for me) about how much time my sons are spending playing on the iPad and the PlayStation during lockdown.

They are 4 and 7. They are addicted to fucking Roblox.

DH and I both work full time and are now WFH. I work for the Dept of Health so this is the busiest I have ever been. DH works in sales in an industry not really affected by the crisis so is busy as usual and it’s high pressure. We try to do bits of schoolwork with them during the they day and snatch moments of playtime. But it’s really hard.

The boys have never really been ones for playing with toys. They’re very much outdoors children and thank god for the weather they’ve been playing in the garden lots. And we are managing to get them out for a long bike ride or scoot everyday but juggling our work diaries and the interminable Zoom meetings we both now have to attend each day.

But when they’re in the house all they want to do is play Roblox or PlayStation. They won’t event watch TV now. They hate crafts. They won’t colour paint or build anything. Not interested in lego. If they try and play imaginary games (den building etc) the older one always ends up hurting the little one because, frankly, he is a dick big brother.

I am crying and shouting every day because I feel like such a failure. How have I fucked this all up so bad that they can’t play with toys at all?? It’s surely my fault if they (especially the 4yo) is so addicted to the iPad. But I can’t fix it and I don’t have the energy too. My job is so stressful at the moment. I am working 12-15 hours per day, with 5 of those from 8pm when the boys are in bed. I am exhausted and emotional and probably not being rational. But it’s this screen thing that’s breaking me and all I have is the word ‘failure’ going round and round in my head.

I don’t know why I am posting this. I just want to cry.

I would find a day when you’re not working and use that to ruthlessly impose screen time limits. My DC are nuts about screens too but over time I’ve trained them so when I say “screens off” they go off (ok after a token whinge but they go off). They’re 6 and 8 so similar ages. I’ll tell them what to do next, like “shoes on, go outside!” or set up an activity, exercise on YouTube, board game, crafts etc. I know you say they won’t do stuff but they will if they’re bored enough and there’s no chance of them being allowed back on screens if they complain long enough.

You need to teach them what to do when you’re around to have any hope of them doing it when you’re not there. And if they get bored, so what, they can learn to entertain themselves. I’d clamp down HARD on the older one being a dick to the little on too. They have to play together. Some fighting is normal but not hurting each other.

You need to cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. And do whatever you need to to get by for the time being.

I highly doubt there are many kids who aren’t getting too much screen time at the moment. My 4 year old definitely is and I don’t even have to work at the moment!

Will you have a bit more time over this long weekend?

Be kind to yourself. Take no notice of the competitive parenting/homeschooling that’s happening on social media. I imagine most of the children in the country are exactly like yours.

With the current situation give yourself a break. My kids are on their games and screens more but I'm not beating myself up about it. I need to compromise so I can get some work done during the day.

I have two the same age and DH and I have been trying to work from home through this all too (although I imagine nothing like as many hours as you'll have been called in to do).

Our two are having LOADS of screen time. Loads. And it does my nut but also it means that I know they're safe sitting on the sofa, not destroying the house or hurting themselves.

So, mine are obsessed with YouTube and they've been having YouTube free days with some success - one day on, one day off. I didn't spring this on them, I told them the night before that this was going to be the case. They can still have their shows, games etc, just not YouTube because it does my fucking head in. I'm making sure that they have educational apps on their devices to use, such as 'teach your monster how to read' and encouraging them to use those. We're kicking them outside to play on the trampoline at the very least before breakfast and dinner, but also encouraging them to go out more and play during the day too (with varying success tbh).

This isn't forever, it's a temporary blip we're all just trying to get through. Do what you need to do to cope. If that means allowing them hours and hours of Roblox, they'll come away from this whole situation thinking that they had a brilliant time rather than (perhaps alternatively) thinking about it with fear. Good luck.

You haven't messed anything up. You sound like a brilliant parent who as you say have raised very outdoorsy children who enjoy doing activities outside. When this is all done with they'll go back to being active children which will serve them very well as adults. This is am exceptional time and unlikely to happen in our lifetime again. Try to relax - you're doing a great job.

Thank you all.

Social media is dreadful isn’t it - I sort of think everyone else is baking bread and geocaching and I am in hour after hour of (honestly quite grim) meetings and I feel like I am letting the family down so badly but I have a job that’s supporting some stuff that’s really needed in this crisis. So I have to dedicate the time to it. It’s always a high pressure job but obvs it’s crazy atm. And normally they’re at school, after school club, beavers, swimming lessons, football etc so I don’t notice quite how “absent” I am. It’s been thrown into sharp relief by us all being in the same house all week long.

My dad sent me a text yesterday trying to be helpful - a list of 20 things to do with kids in lockdown (baking bread, geocaching, etc etc) and I just burst into tears.

Tbh, I’m relieved to hear other parents have this problem as I feel less alone. Sole parent here, with 3 primary aged DCs and working FT from home. They are always on their devices and we have no garden or outdoor area. We go for a walk once a day.

I would feel less guilty if everyone else didn’t seem to be doing lovely family activities with their DCs (crafting, baking, puzzles). Mine spend entire days on Roblox and watching YouTube. I am really struggling with work (which I am lucky to have, but I hate as I am treated terribly by colleagues) and the normal cooking, washing etc. I don’t have the energy to fight them over the screens.

I just feel very depressed (because of my work situation), lonely and like a shit parent as I can’t make them spend their time more constructively.

I feel your pain OP. I have an only child, a nine year old, who also has no interest in crafts, imaginative games, Lego etc. He never has done. He likes reading but only with me. Me and husband are wfh. So DS has spent hours on his iPad. Literally hours. And I feel like an utter failure. And I worry about the kind of adult he will become.

It's not all bad and we have done lots of walks, some cooking and some time outdoors, but I wish he had a bit of motivation to do other things off his own back. He's flipping good at Fortnite though!

Any chance your DH could take a week off to take some pressure off you? Your work sounds incredibly important right now so I would put this in his ‘to do’ list!

Would it help you feel less anxious if you had some sort of timetable?
How about:
8am family breakfast
8:30am check emails work to ensure no urgent tasks/prioritise your day, kids must read or the wifi password gets changed.
9am family exercise to Youtube
9:30-12 kids can now play computer games
12:30 lunch (take it in turns with DH to prepare)
1pm you or DH goes for walk/run by themselves (kids go outside to play/sulk about absence of iPad)
2pm - rent a movie for the kids
4pm quick family fun time - play a silly game/Ispy or Skype/Facetime some of their friends
4:45 - give kids the electronics again
5:30 the person that didn't go out at lunchtime exercises and the other person cooks supper
6 onwards - bedtime routine
7pm another hour of work if you need it
8pm put your feet up.

FWIW I expect the interminable Zoom meetings will calm down when the novelty has worn off. Conference calls are a lot quicker (you just need a focussed person charing them).

I am jolly glad my daughter is entering the grumpy teen years - it must be really challenging to have younger kids at home.

I also have the mean older brother situation too. The screens seem to stop them fighting so it’s another reason I give in.

They need the screens taken off them now before they become teenagers and then men who are glued to screens all day and can't interact with other people or look after their own kids like (it seems) 50% of the husbands and boyfriends on here.
My adult DS is a professional fine artist and he didn't become one by me letting him sit on the platstation all day long.
He didn't even had a tv so he had to find other things to do.
He enjoyed painting warhammer too and would spend hours perfecting his painting skills.
He could read by four and do maths long before he went to school.
I worked full time too in th NHS.
The peer pressure to have these things is huge but I told him you can have those things when you are grown up.
Its bloody hard work not giving in but you are the adult and they are the children. They do as you say and if the older ne torments the younger one then punich him or goodness sake.
Stop the rot now before it's too late. I depair I really do. Kids just get want they want now, everything they want except decent parenting.

My children are having about four times their usual amount of screen time. As long as they have done their school work, done some exercise and helped round the house, I have let myself relax about it.

Wow. Thanks @madcatlady. You’ve managed to get in my brain and repeat back to my the full details of my anxiety, and corroborate all my fears.

I am particularly worried about what kind of adults they’ll turn out to be.

Wondering why @madcatlady is being quite so unpleasant? and smug?
Everyone is struggling at these times why honestly why you use this post to make someone feel terrible ?

Be kind to yourself

Both wfh with kids and intense jobs something has to give, being on zoom for hours a day then trying to get work done is a complete nightmare

Mine are getting lots of screen time in the week - weekends we are when we are trying to cut back screen time to bare minimum

PP mentioned if your DH could cut back? May be worth considering - mental health is important

Also schoolwork - we haven’t been doing any in the week, trying to get through as much as we can on the weekend

@madcatladyforever - your son sounds like a credit to your hard work and investment in him. But how did you cope with the sibling arguing and what did you do to keep your son occupied when you were working from home every day when he wasn’t in school.

Btw, mine only have their own iPads as they are compulsory at their school (not in UK) and they each saved birthday and Christmas money to so I could afford them. We have no other devices/consoles etc.

They’re outdoorsy kids who play in the garden and you go for a bike ride/scoot every day. Given the current situation, give yourself a pat on the back for achieving that and give in to the screen time.

Once things have calmed down a bit, you can put more structure in place and try to limit it, but I don’t think now is the time.

It's a pandemic. You do what you can to survive. If that means too much screen time for the kids while you work, then just go with it.
If you saw my social media I 100% look like perfect parent. But that's because I post us making banana cake, the one 30minute activity I actually did with my kids (on my lunch break), not the 2 hours of TV they watched either side of that. No one posts their worse moments.
You are doing fine. When life returns to normal then take some action on screen time.

OP, if you had no job and were stuck in the house all day, you'd be on a screen too. Your DC are doing what normal human beings do in a situation where they are confined to the house. They are amusing themselves in the most absorbing way available to them.

200 years ago, parents talked about novels the way we talk about screen time btw... every generation has something new to panic about their children being ruined by. And then 100 years later it turns out it's fine and just a new, enjoyable part of our culture.

Do what you need to do to survive. Roblox etc is not pornography ffs! It's a building game isnt it? Let them occupy themselves!

Institute a rule that they get screens while you're working, so that you can work (you're needed after all). When you're not working, no screens and figure it out from there. Simples.

Ignore madcatlady. Bear in mind many folk get bitter about this sort of thing because they had to go through a struggle that they want you to suffer through as well. Remember there is no prize for suffering.

You're doing an amazing job in a completely unprecedented situation. Hold fast to that truth.

Also @madcatladyforever, how did you teach him school work? I am trying to do that at the weekends.

I’m also so worried how mine will turn out. I try to tell myself if they see me working so hard to provide for them it will give them a strong work ethic.

They won’t even watch tv as a family. I give up in despair as I just don’t have the energy to cope with nagging them so much.

Mine are 7 and 9. They're generally pretty good but each day seems to be turning into a mini version of the hunger games. Not entirely sure they'll both make it to the end of this.

We're only doing school work because it keeps them quiet for a couple of hours. The rest of the day is pretty much split between screens and them being boooooorrrrrreeeeddddd and arguing.

DH and I know well that we have it bloody easy- great employer who understands kids etc., big enough house that we can hardly hear the screaming. And we're finding it tough. OP you need to cut yourself some slack - this is a short term situation and you can worry about sorting the balance out after.

Bear in mind also that you are setting them an awesome example of people who step up and go the extra mile in adversity.

Goodness what an unnecessarily cruel post @madcatladyforever What motivated you to write that to a fellow struggling human being?

OP I’ve been wfh full time, in constant calls etc. It’s been exhausting and my dc have had many hours of screen time a day. I was feeling bad about it but you know what? We are safe and well. These are extraordinary times. We are all doing our best.