Anxious about how much screen time the kids are having

[BotBotticelli]

I am feeling really anxious (I have anxiety and this was always a - weird - trigger for me) about how much time my sons are spending playing on the iPad and the PlayStation during lockdown.

They are 4 and 7. They are addicted to fucking Roblox.

DH and I both work full time and are now WFH. I work for the Dept of Health so this is the busiest I have ever been. DH works in sales in an industry not really affected by the crisis so is busy as usual and it’s high pressure. We try to do bits of schoolwork with them during the they day and snatch moments of playtime. But it’s really hard.

The boys have never really been ones for playing with toys. They’re very much outdoors children and thank god for the weather they’ve been playing in the garden lots. And we are managing to get them out for a long bike ride or scoot everyday but juggling our work diaries and the interminable Zoom meetings we both now have to attend each day.

But when they’re in the house all they want to do is play Roblox or PlayStation. They won’t event watch TV now. They hate crafts. They won’t colour paint or build anything. Not interested in lego. If they try and play imaginary games (den building etc) the older one always ends up hurting the little one because, frankly, he is a dick big brother.

I am crying and shouting every day because I feel like such a failure. How have I fucked this all up so bad that they can’t play with toys at all?? It’s surely my fault if they (especially the 4yo) is so addicted to the iPad. But I can’t fix it and I don’t have the energy too. My job is so stressful at the moment. I am working 12-15 hours per day, with 5 of those from 8pm when the boys are in bed. I am exhausted and emotional and probably not being rational. But it’s this screen thing that’s breaking me and all I have is the word ‘failure’ going round and round in my head.

I don’t know why I am posting this. I just want to cry.

Honestly at the moment I don't care how much screen time DS is having, it's a case if getting through it physically and mentally well. We can rectify all the wrong once things are more stable. Dispute all the doom mongers on here, this will not last until January 2021.

We just need to get through it the best way we can. Lower your standards and take some pressure off yourself

Confession: I made a cake on my own yesterday. I got one DC down from his bedroom to hold it once it was iced and stuck a photo on Instagram. I felt better after that!

You’d have a heart attack if you saw how much DS gets

A few weeks on screens in this crazy time won't do any harm.

@madcatladyforever, do you have previous experience of parenting young children and working from home in a global pandemic that you're drawing from for your helpful words of advice? Or did you just come on here to bash someone who is struggling in an extremely unusual and difficult situation by telling her that her parenting wasn't up to scratch in your opinion?

@madcatladyforever how many pandemics did you raise your perfect son through?

@BotBotticelli Mine are having so much screen time. So much. I'm just trying to get us all through this relatively unscathed. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or worry about.

"They need the screens taken off them now before they become teenagers and then men who are glued to screens all day and can't interact with other people or look after their own kids like (it seems) 50% of the husbands and boyfriends on here.
My adult DS is a professional fine artist and he didn't become one by me letting him sit on the platstation all day long.
He didn't even had a tv so he had to find other things to do.
He enjoyed painting warhammer too and would spend hours perfecting his painting skills.
He could read by four and do maths long before he went to school.
I worked full time too in th NHS.
The peer pressure to have these things is huge but I told him you can have those things when you are grown up.
Its bloody hard work not giving in but you are the adult and they are the children. They do as you say and if the older ne torments the younger one then punich him or goodness sake.
Stop the rot now before it's too late. I depair I really do. Kids just get want they want now, everything they want except decent parenting."

This must be one of the most over the top, dramatic posts I've ever read on MN and that's some feat.

LOL @madcatladyforever would you like to share the details of how you managed your time at home with your DS during the pandemic whilst you were at home with him full time and still expected to work 15 hour days??

OP, I understand your concerns but go a bit easier on yourself. It is literally impossible to give children the full time attention they need and work full time too - this is why you feel so crap, because you are trying to meet impossible expectations.

I imagine having some sort of timetable might help. I also have two who can't really play together, we try and divide their screen time at least for chunks of time so that one is occupied whilst the other has to entertain themself - this works soo much better for us as it naturally seperates them but halves their screen time. Each of them is able to occupy themselves soo much better without the other one,so this is when we expect them to entertain themselves.

Also, not sure what your working spaces are like but could you and your husband work apart and each have a child (or take it in turns to have one) either for some educational screen time (after which they can have fun screen time?) or some other table top activity? Again, divide and conquer!

It might also help if you and your husband can have set hours when the other one is first on call to deal with kids where needed? Means that you could have at least a stretch each of uninterrupted time where you can achieve your absolute priorities for the day.

So it might look something like:
9-10am - DC1 in with mum for self - led learning screen time (websites, games, videos). DC2 elsewhere doing non-screen self-led play vaguely supervised by Dad.
10-11 - DC1 doing non-screen self-led play vaguely supervised by Mum, DC2 in with Dad for learning screen time.
11am Roblox reward for co-operation!
Then add in exercise and lunch.

Then at first you might want to give more Roblox time in the afternoon if they've co-operated, and then slowly add in a bit more learning screen time or other independent activities as their tolerance for them grows.

Sometimes, I remember how much my DM despaired over us watching too much telly in the 80s and 90s. Honestly, it hasn’t impacted any of us as adults and we can take it or leave it now.

This time will pass. And I sometimes think our DCs who got to do what they wanted will remember this aspect of the pandemic as a lot of fun.

OP do your children have one screen each? You could get them into minecraft in the same server so they have to cooperate to build things together? Also some roblox games are really quite good - adopt me, bloxberg, robloxia etc where you can build and design your own house, earn ‘money’, budget and pay bills etc. My two cooperate quite nicely playing on those together. They are a bit older though.

Other ideas: prodigy maths is a free maths game where they can go on quests and solve maths problems to cast spells. My 9 yo spent a couple of hours on that.

Audible has a selection of free audiobooks for kids at the moment - search for audible stories.

@Sandleman
Lol at the cake story.

What helps us is we have a no gaming until 4 rule and stop at 6.
It just forces the to do other things after the pleading and stomping stops.
If they’ve got access to other activities, they’ll find their way to them eventually.

@madcatladyforever presumably your now adult son didn't have access to screens like children for these days? And these are not normal times. Your response is not helpful, most parents limit screen time daily but, as I say, now is not the norm and allowances need to be made

This is a crisis and you are doing your best. This is just a moment in time. It is not going to break your children.

Remember when they were little and you lived by the motto “all fed no one dead”? Now is the time to role out that motto.

You’re doing brilliantly. Honestly

I am baking bread and doing crafts. I am also tearing my hair out at WFH with DC and lockdown in general, and there’s also far too much screen time. Appearances can be deceptive. Agree with a PP that you need some kind of schedule or even just a boundary but mostly just for YOU to feel better. So X hours on screens or only at certain times of day or whatever. It doesn’t really matter how much - the kids will be fine and sounds like yours are getting plenty of exercise and fresh air. The point is it puts you back in control and makes you feel you are coping. So even if the rule is no more than 5 hours screen time a day and you never break it you can count that as a win and feel good about it

Ooh - also my kids will spend hours listening to audiobooks & I feel better about them doing that than staring at a screen. They will draw or LEGO or whatever while they are listening.

My DD has had tonnes of screen time these past few weeks. I am a lone parent and wfh (thankfully have the Easter break now) and at times there has been no choice as I have really had to concentrate with work.

I'll be honest even today when I haven't been wfh she has spent most of the afternoon watching tv as actually too hot for her outside! We did go out for a long walk this morning and then spent some time in the garden together but I am feeling pretty shattered today and sometimes parents and dcs both need to relax.

Try and be kind to yourself and just do what's needed to get through this. It won't last forever and when your dc look back on it they'll remember a relaxed fun time which although its not like that for us, imo that's how it should be for them!!

At this time, I would say fuck it to worrying about stuff like screentime.

This has come out of nowhere. We're all in shock and have no precedent for this kind of situation.

Give yourself a break and let your kids roblox it up.

For what it's worth, growing up, most of us watched TV and played consoles constantly. I'm not saying that's a good thing necessarily but it happened and we survived.

We worry too much these days about everything.

I hope madcatlady hasn't broken her arm patting herself on the back.

Mine are 9 and I've just walked into their bedroom and found ds1 sat with a film on the ps4 whilst playing minecraft on the tablet and fortnite on the switch honestly you're doing just fine.

In normal circumstances mine are only allowed one gadget, god knows how they've managed to get all 3 out.
Also I try and change the passwords to all items every night and they have to earn the privilege of playing on them daily, so instead of just getting up and straight on them. They have to wash dress have breakfast, do one hour of school work make sure they're beds are made and room is fresh, then they pretty much have free reign.

Don't beat yourself up were all struggling, even I'm on my phone alot more than normal.

Honestly it doesn’t matter a jot. This is a temporary and very difficult situation. Focus on keeping everyone safe and happy. Screen time isn’t “dangerous” - obviously in normal life we all try to keep it in some sort of check, but it isn’t crack/guns/abuse. Relax. Once things are a bit more normal and they go back to school it will be easier to get back to more normal levels.

If kids and you get through this with physical and mental health intact you are winning!

Dont worry about it. A few years ago we were refurbing our house and for almost a year the kids spent bloody ages on their computers every day. Firstly the more you have a go at them the more they want to use the computer. Secondly they do eventually get bored of it - honestly! My dc are very very good with computers because of it. They know how to code etc etc. Try and encourage them to not only play games (although i think minecraft is great) amd try things like scratch, educational YouTube vids etc. In the end these ste mad times and we will all end up miserable if we try and fight over this sort of stuff constantly. Sure you should get them outside and doing other things too but a few more hours on screens isnt the end of the world.

And don't beat yourself up about them nor being into lego etc either. My DS isn't, never has been. My dd in the other hand is incredibly imaginative, creative, self motivating etc. DS will be in a screen by default unless forced to stop. He'll read and listen to music a bit, play football and board games but only with me. I constantly worry about it but its just who he is. I do ban the more mindless crap on youtube.. Can't stand people doing pranks or screaming as they open fifa packs. I ban that, it has to be something real, like a documentary or clips from films, musicals etc. But as most others have said, this is a very weird time, give yourself a break

Everyone’s world has turned inside out lately, concessions have to be made. They’re clean, warm, well fed, loved, they’re getting daily exercise and vitamin D.

You’re doing the best you can. We all are. I also know for a fact that at least some of the bread making Facebook folks are hitting the wine at 2pm and looking forward to an essential shopping trip alone like it was two weeks in the Maldives so pinch of salt and all that.