Anxious about how much screen time the kids are having

[BotBotticelli]

I am feeling really anxious (I have anxiety and this was always a - weird - trigger for me) about how much time my sons are spending playing on the iPad and the PlayStation during lockdown.

They are 4 and 7. They are addicted to fucking Roblox.

DH and I both work full time and are now WFH. I work for the Dept of Health so this is the busiest I have ever been. DH works in sales in an industry not really affected by the crisis so is busy as usual and it’s high pressure. We try to do bits of schoolwork with them during the they day and snatch moments of playtime. But it’s really hard.

The boys have never really been ones for playing with toys. They’re very much outdoors children and thank god for the weather they’ve been playing in the garden lots. And we are managing to get them out for a long bike ride or scoot everyday but juggling our work diaries and the interminable Zoom meetings we both now have to attend each day.

But when they’re in the house all they want to do is play Roblox or PlayStation. They won’t event watch TV now. They hate crafts. They won’t colour paint or build anything. Not interested in lego. If they try and play imaginary games (den building etc) the older one always ends up hurting the little one because, frankly, he is a dick big brother.

I am crying and shouting every day because I feel like such a failure. How have I fucked this all up so bad that they can’t play with toys at all?? It’s surely my fault if they (especially the 4yo) is so addicted to the iPad. But I can’t fix it and I don’t have the energy too. My job is so stressful at the moment. I am working 12-15 hours per day, with 5 of those from 8pm when the boys are in bed. I am exhausted and emotional and probably not being rational. But it’s this screen thing that’s breaking me and all I have is the word ‘failure’ going round and round in my head.

I don’t know why I am posting this. I just want to cry.

They need the screens taken off them now before they become teenagers and then men who are glued to screens all day and can't interact with other people or look after their own kids like (it seems) 50% of the husbands and boyfriends on here.

MadCatLady I don't understand this point, presumably a lot of the men you are talking about grew up without screens like this. All the people I know 40+ are just as glued to their phones etc as any younger ones. So it isn't because they had them unrestricted as children. It's because they want to be on them and they are adults who can choose what they do.

OP I have 3 dc 7,5, and 3 and they are on screens all day as much as they want. It's the only way we can survive. I feel no shame or guilt. The alternative is worse. What usually happens is they eventually get bored and go off and do other stuff then return and pop off again. But this only happens when they have unrestricted access. If we start to restrict it they become obsessed then fight with each other out of frustration. It's a bit like restricting sweets and chocolate often makes obsessed greedy children.

Please cut yourself some slack . Mine are the same but these are unprecedented time’s and if it makes them
Happy and keeps things calm don’t worry . It won’t be forever . It’s not like you can take them out anywhere anyway . You’re doing fine .

When I was younger (early teens?) I could spend entire days playing Tetris or The Sims, or watching junk on TV. I'd like to say I'm a successful, well rounded, fully functional adult now. (I mean, I'm no fine artist @madcatladyforever but I am a lawyer, is that ok?)
My 2 oldest DC who are 8 and 5, DS1 in particular, who has ASD, are both mad about TV shows and various games on tablet. DH and I are both working from home but alternating taking 9-10 and 1-2 with the kids to do some of the school work they've been set, the rest of the time is theirs as they see fit and they have been self regulating more that I had anticipated.
I think they're going to be fine.

My daughter is having loads. She's driving me crazy because she's taken to waking at 5. This morning it was still dark and I heard her banging about. Went in and she'd gone down and got the Nintendo and taken it to bed with her. Some mornings I've left her to it but not from 5am because I'd fall asleep and then she'd have had hours of it before 9am. It is really difficult when they don't play independently

OP please don't worry. Both me and my husband's job has been massively impacted by the pandemic.
We are the busiest we have ever been, no sign of it railing off for at least a few months, both taken pay cuts, two children 7 and 9. Leadership, high pressure jobs, zooms and calls all day every day. One of us is working between 6 am -12 am most days.
They have been having quality family time for a few hours a day and we have been sharing that, they have done a lot of playing in the garden and they have done a bit of school work but they have done a lot of screen time. Honestly I hate it but needs must and as with the youngest crying when I dropped her at school or nursery, or the oldest not wanting to go to sleep without a parent in the room - this too will pass! Be kind you haven't failed

Oh this thread has made me feel so much better! Thank you!

OP please don't take to heart comments from someone who was parenting in a different decade and even if was work from home would not have the constant contact now expected. I have two ds and they are both having lots of screen time. I feel guilt but realise this is my issue not theirs. They are happy, fed and not hating their time in lockdown.

I think all the rules are broken right now anyway. It’s not a normal situation. You can fight screen time after the pandemic.

My son was obsessed with computer games as a child and teen but now he’s a professional chef, self motivated and although he still likes a computer game he has learned to balance that himself by knowing how much is too much. He has had a job since he was old enough to have one and helps others. I was worried when he was growing up but it seems they learn themselves in time.

Madcatlady has been massively unhelpful.. thankfully everyone else has come in to say the same thing.

I have suffered from anxiety in the past so knew with this situation I had to be careful. I have a lot of anxiety round my ability as a parent. I told myself that for us to get through the lockdown period we would have more screen time and be more relaxed about it but equally we would have time outside. Sounds like your two love the outside bit just as much.

Everyone is just going through this as best they can and for you to be holding down a demanding role with fifteen hour days and looking after kids is amazing.

Some great advice from previous posters about establishing a routine. I've found it really helps. I liked a pp idea about getting some time out on your own while partner does lunch and then swapping for the evening.

My DCs would happily sit for 12 hours gawping at screens if they were allowed. There was one day I was out for 8 hours. DH was ill in bed. I walked in and the DCs were exactly as they were when I went out having moved only for a sandwich in the middle of the day. Due to ASD, the novelty would not wear off for DS1, so they do need managing. DS1 would also forget about the need to eat and drink.

They get 2-3 good chunks of screen time for everyone's sanity. There are chunks of time when the TV is unplugged and they have to find something to do. Huffing and puffing and asking how long is left until the next tech time session adds on time until they get it and they soon get immersed in other things. Squabbles result in the main offender going to his room for quiet time.

I have the major advantage of having time to supervise which is a game changer. If working, I'd prioritise the screentime for known critical timings like conference calls. Screen time in itself is not a terrible thing, just see if you can break it up. Mine can get quite physical, and hypersensitive when they've been at it for too many hours.

If they're naturally playing outside, that's great. Mine don't craft/ bake either. DS1 prefers to play with boxes and sticks over most toys. Unfortunately with dyspraxia involved, there can often be tears...

The priority is getting through the day. Your children will not be the only ones in this position.

Thanks for this post - it has made me feel more normal/less acopic