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Original poster

DH has very kindly dug his own grave.

93 replies

ProperVexed · 07/04/2020 06:32

What a star! I always knew he was a goodun. However, after many, many years of marriage and the current lockdown I have been eyeing up the patio and wondering how I can get him under it. But, in a delightful turn of events, DH decided to move a magnolia tree from the front garden to the back. So he and DS spent many happy hours digging and uprooted said tree. It is now laying on its side next to a very, very large hole. Unfortunately tree has proved too heavy for the whole family to lift to its new home so it was all a pointless exercise.
So, if DH gets on my last nerve once more I can bop him on the head, drag him into the hole, tip the tree back on top of him, and watch the blooms from such good compost for many years to come undisturbed.
It could be the perfect murder.
I'm tempted.....I think this is lighthearted...but my level of planning worries me.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 07/04/2020 09:04

My DH has wanted a chest freezer for years. This is why I won’t let him.

bilbodog · 07/04/2020 09:15

Team magnolia here - how dare he!!!

FiveShelties · 07/04/2020 09:27

You need to get this thread removed, change your user name to ISavedtheMagnoliaBush and look innocent.

Enjoy...............Grin

Wehttam · 07/04/2020 09:32

Ha! OP this actually made me smile when the news is so grim right now, thank you!

Myimaginarypenguinhasfleas · 07/04/2020 09:38

Feeling very very sad for the magnolia, the first tree victim (indirectly) of Coronavirus.

Seriously, buy a new magnolia. Lidl sell them from time to time for under a tenner. They do very well once planted.

Camphillgirl · 07/04/2020 09:39

What a wonderful crowd you are, needed a good laugh.

I wonder if other countries have such a fund of comedy. Can’t imagine Russians telling a story like this.

(Weeping willow strikes easily and grows like mad)

thedancingbear · 07/04/2020 10:10

I agree entirely! I've been thinking of strangling my wife all week in front of the kids, and disposing of the body!

DV jokes are fine, as long as they travel in the right direction, clearly.

FadedRed · 07/04/2020 10:13

Get the painting done first.

DH has very kindly dug his own grave.
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 07/04/2020 10:29

He's broken your poor lovely tree. No court would convict you!

I do agree with PP though, we need a Strangers On A Train type situation to avoid getting caught. How big exactly is the hole? My DH is very tall. You may be better with a swap of a shorter DH.

You can have my neighbours constantly barking dog if you like?

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 07/04/2020 10:37

I'm waiting now for the AIBU "shall I call 999 to report my neighbour breaking the law in her garden?"

"What is she doing?"

"Well she seems to be burying her husband under a tree but never mind that, I don't think digging is approved exercise and she has been there 1.5 minutes longer than an hour but also she looks like she is enjoying herself."

"YANBU, report her, it's people like her breaking the rules by having fun in her own garden that will get us all locked down properly. Call 999 right now. Maybe mention the husband thing too just in case, they can log it for the future."

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/04/2020 10:38

This thread title reminds me of 'The Young Ones', with Neil in the back garden digging and preparing his own grave for his next increasingly inventive (but thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempt.

Gallows: playing 'Rock Around the Clock'.
Rik: 'Well that's put the rent up by a third!'
Vyv: 'Neil, I thought you were dead!'
Neil: 'Well that's no reason to hassle me on the toilet!'

Can you imagine any comic trying to get away with that now? Grin

JonHammIsMyJamm · 07/04/2020 10:40

Seriously though, now is a terrible time to move the magnolia. They’re actively flowering and coming into leaf. They don’t like being fiddled with at the best of times, let alone uprooted and moved. So if you must do it, it should definitely be done when they’re dormant.

JonHammIsMyJamm · 07/04/2020 10:42

[humourless]

Dowser · 07/04/2020 10:43

Line it with lime

DonKeyshot · 07/04/2020 10:49

Regardless of whether it's a good time to move a magnolia tree, this is an ideal time to commit the perfect murder, OP.

Lockdown drove your dh to the edge and, being unable to take it any more, he took himself off to live off grid/join the circus/become a tramp or whatever takes your fancy.

The police are so overwhelmed with other matters that I can't imagine they'll do any more than take your statement when you report him missing. In the unlikely event that they get around to investigating his disappearance at some future date, I daresay they'll add him to the list of casualties of coronavirus.

If you tell them that he was coughing badly when you last saw him, they may even surmise that he took himself off to a remote place to meet his fate.

Should the magnolia prove to be too much for an adrenalin-fuelled you to lift, I second a pp recommendation of a weeping willow - they grow fast and their trailing branches will cover a multitude of sins.

On a note of caution, don't expect a quick payout from any insurance policies as it may take some years before you can have him legally delcared dead. Grin

emilybrontescorsett · 07/04/2020 10:57

Op_ how is the tree doing?

OurChristmasMiracle · 07/04/2020 11:00

Just remember he went out for essentials and never came back 😉

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 07/04/2020 11:07

Just looking at my lovely magnolia tree coming into flower (also planted in the front garden) and if my husband dug it up only to leave it dying on its side, I would have no hesitation and would be shovelling earth on his cold, dead body as we speak. That would be justifiable homicide, would'nt it??

Stabbitha · 07/04/2020 11:42

Easy to cover up his disappearance too.

He got the virus and funerals are banned.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/04/2020 12:17

That would be justifiable homicide, would'nt it??

Demand a jury of your peers (MNers).

You'd be out of the dock a free woman within minutes.

Grumpbum123 · 07/04/2020 12:20

You need this

midnightstar66 · 07/04/2020 12:22

I think he deserved the hold just for that act alone OP 😆

LilacTree1 · 07/04/2020 12:25

This thread disappears in 90 days, right?

Original poster
ProperVexed · 07/04/2020 13:34

Hi all. Glad you are enjoying my plans. For those worried about the magnolia...well, it isn't looking too happy. For a start it is an evergreen magnolia and has only ever produced one flower so perhaps it's days were numbered. It was also very much in the wrong place through no fault of its own. I didn't mind them attempting to move it as I believe the other alternative was to just cut it down. However it was clearly the wrong time of year for upheaval of the tree. My plan to tip it onto a tarpaulin and drag it up the garden with the land rover was met with derision. We cannot hire a digger due to lockdown.we are left with letting it die or quickly replanting. Due to its shocking treatment I think that only human fertiliser will appease it.
Fortunately I have a number of potential victims. DH is a certainty...DS22 needs to go, and DS 19 is on borrowed time.
All have developed 'nasty coughs' and are talking about running away....honest.

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 07/04/2020 13:36

One flower?!

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