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Original poster

I need a hotel or something. I can't take it anymore.

90 replies

Crooken · 06/04/2020 18:43

I need a breather from everything. Right now I would just go and run off to a hotel. I've never done that before.

I'm have 3 kids one of which is a very very difficult toddler. Always crying, whining, really really clingy and constantly wants me to hold her / wanting to sit on my lap.

The older 2 are primary school aged and they keep fighting and bickering all day. All I hear I muuuum! in that nasal whiny tone.

I also work part time 3 days a week but have to do my work either 6am on the morning which gives me around an hour before kids wake up or after 10pm in the evening. Sitting down at my computer for even 20 mins without peace is impossible.

I have a DH who works FT from home. However in all honesty I feel like there's no difference to me if he's there or not. I'm juggling emails, kids, cooking, cleaning, setting activities for the kids. When he clocks off for the day, the kids are still with me. He doesn't do anything with them- I have to do stuff with them all the time.

I'm finding this constant kids with me 24/7 , whining all whilst working, cooking and doing everything else is getting too much.

I've just flipped my top just now as toddler has been screaming for the past ten minutes whilst I was getting the dinner ready. Dh was in the bathroom taking ages like he always does.

Honestly I just want to fucking run away. I can't bare to carry on another day like this. The lockdown has made things worse. I know I need to her rid of dh.

OP posts:

AprilFloundering · 06/04/2020 20:13

He sees the house and kids as your job, even though you have a paying job, too. He sees himself as helping you do your work like it's some great thing. He needs to be pulled up on that shit.

I wouldn't take the kids out beyond your garden the rest of the week. As soon as he's off the clock upstairs tomorrow, tell him you're going for your daily exercise and you expect him to entertain the kids and cook dinner for himself and the children, like you do, and then clean up properly. All of it. not just some of it because he usually leaves the finishing clean for you. And then he can start the bedtime routine. Tell him to just leave you a plate and you'll eat when you're back.

Then leave. Go for a long walk or cycle ride. Just leave him to it. And do it every day for the rest of the week. Tell him you'll discuss the new division of labour at the end of the week after he's had a reality check.

He needs to step up and pull his weight so you can pull yours at work, too, just like he feels he's entitled to do without interruption. Selfish wanker.

I'd make it clear your marriage will not survive his selfish wankery if things don't change immediately.

1981m · 06/04/2020 20:13

I think you need a rota, on the three days you work you need to share the day out. You work am whilst he deals with the children and then he works in the afternoon whilst you have the children. Then weekends one day/half day each working whilst the other one dealt with the kids and housework.

neversleepagain · 06/04/2020 20:13

I am trying to wfh and we have two 7 year olds, dh is a key worker and works 6 days a week so I am feeling the stress. I told him today that after the Easter bank holidays I want him to take a day off and I plan to make a packed lunch, flask of tea, take my phone and book and sit in the car pretty much all day, with a long walk in-between. ALONE!

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recycledbottle · 06/04/2020 20:15

Can you just put headphones on and go for a walk. Your DH is useless but if you just leave for an hour there is not much he can except get on with it.

OhTheRoses · 06/04/2020 20:19

Mine are 21 and 25. DH is 58. They've all been needy today OP. We are two weeks into the first lockdown and I think we are all a bit stir crazy.

You have em stir crazy whilst doing the hardest yards thought. It must be a huge pile of crap. Your dh needs to step up and the pair of you need a sharing rota.

ChainsawBear · 06/04/2020 20:19

Why's everyone just suggesting a walk and shopping alone? OP needs to work, not just get some time alone!

OP you need to agree a shift system with him on the days you both need to work. He is responsible for the kids 100% from hours X to Y, no excuses. If he has calls during those hours he takes them with the kids around, or if it is something really high stakes where that isn't possible he can swap shifts with you for the day. Everyone is having to be flexible and accept kids on videoconferences and calls right now.

I work one less day than DH and I don't mind being responsible for the kids 9-5 on the day he's working and I'm not, but outside of those hours and on days we're both working, we both bloody well do our bit. Then we relax together when it's all done in the evening.

Veterinari · 06/04/2020 20:25

You need to divide the day so you both get equal amounts of work time and childcare/household task time

Talk to your husband about dividing the day - your work is as important as his

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2020 20:33

He feels he does do work and helps me

The fact that he sees cleaning up his own home and parenting his own children as "helping" you is the problem.

Hand over the kids to him when he clocks off and hole yourself in the bedroom and tell him to get on with the dinner. Or to take the kids out for "exercise". Then you go shopping solo and leave him with the kids.

All easier said than done but this will nevere change as long as he is in that mind set of "helping" you instead of "being" a DF or DH.

QuarantineDream · 06/04/2020 21:00

Next time he's in the toilet taking a luxury shit send the toddler in there with him. Should speed things up.

Feelingsolost1 · 06/04/2020 21:01

Another one who hears you!

I'm sick to death! So so tired, I feel like it's never ending. I have two children - one school age and one toddler. I wake between 5 and 6:30am and don't stop until I put the kids to bed 14 hours later. My husband does nothing to help, he's off work, but chooses to sit on his pc playing games all day! I know I need rid too, but I don't think I have the energy! I struggle badly with my mental health too, everything is desperately getting me down.

I'm sorry a lot of us are feeling the same at the moment.

But yes - if u book that room, make sure it has space for me!!

BMW6 · 06/04/2020 21:05

You need to sit down with him and thrash out a schedule so BOTH of you get uninterrupted time to do your work while the other looks after the DC.
Cooking etc MUST be shared equally.

If he won't play ball go on strike regarding him - no meals, no washing his clothes and certainly no sex or affection.

DICarter1 · 06/04/2020 21:08

Similar situation. But mine are 11, 10 and 7. The 7 and 10 year old both have special needs. I have a job that I’m meant to be holding down 3 days a week though thank god only term time. Husband who basically shuts himself in the office and that’s it. I’m not allowed to say anything because his job brings in the big amount of money. But he’s now got zero commute, is doing no home schooling whereas I now have the added job of the kids all the time. My patience is very very thin right now. I’m only thankful work has eased back a little.

Wehttam · 06/04/2020 21:12

In no way is this helpful so please don’t take offence but those of us without kids are like 😅😅 right now. I did an underwear wash today and I made smashed avo on toast for brunch, even that was a struggle. Fabulous

(Sorry)🤐

UYScuti · 06/04/2020 21:13

Do what you can to get through this and then when it's over you can take stock and decide if this is the partner you want for your life going forward

Bluntness100 · 06/04/2020 21:16

Wehttam. What a pointless post. The issue here is the husbands, not the kids.

MashedSpud · 06/04/2020 21:16

Make him step up.

Stop cooking.

Stop doing everything.

Have a two hour bath.

AliMonkey · 06/04/2020 21:34

Loads of people saying "hand the kids over when he clocks off". No! Don't wait for him to do a full day's work then hand them over, you need to share them on the days you work. So say one does 7.30-12.30 then have half an hour when you all have lunch together (and whoever has the kids in the morning makes lunch ready for 12.30) and the other works 1-6. Then you both make up the time needed in the evening or weekend.

I'll be honest, my kids are older so need us less and it doesn't work out quite like I'd like it to as my work is a bit more flexible as DH has lots of conference calls. But he certainly doesn't just hide himself away the whole day and expect me to be the one who works round it.

And the other thing I'd say is lower your housework standards and try to get the kids to "help". They won't be much help but if you can distract them enough with helping then you can hopefully get a bit done. And if you can't, don't worry. I work on the theory that as long as the kitchen and bathroom are clean, the rest can wait.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/04/2020 21:38

Stop talking to him about feelings, wishes, unfairnessess, all this subjective, manipulable, ignorable stuff.

Just tell him what is going to be happening from now on.

You are going to stop at x time and go to another room to work. He is going to take over the DCs and do mealtime / bath / bed.

And/or, he is now covering mornings and breakfast before he starts work (when, at 9am? So you'd get another two hours then?).

If you could do three hours work in the morning, then four from 6-10pm you might survive?

lottiegarbanzo · 06/04/2020 21:39

Though I agree that AliMonkey's division of time is much fairer, more sensible and survivable all round.

How2Help · 06/04/2020 21:42

(Sorry)🤐

What an awful thing to write on this thread. I have spoken to various staff today: a sample of those with no children include one who is on her own but struggling hugely with loneliness. Others have major financial worries. Another has just lost her Mum to COVID-19. And the others (with or without children) are sympathetic to everyone and the different types of difficulty.

(Plus OP several in the same situation as you and I have every sympathy).

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2020 21:46

My husband does nothing to help, he's off work, but chooses to sit on his pc playing games all day!

That would be thrown up the end of the garden if he was my husband. And I'd be happy to deal with any consequences.

Feelingsolost1 · 06/04/2020 21:54

@Nanny0gg honestly? I don't have the energy 😔 I've spoken to him about it, he just tells me that I expect him to sit around bored.. He told me today he was popping on for an hour, and ended up on it for 6hrs, give or take.. When I mentioned it to him he told me I would do anything for an argument. I guess I've given up.

Doryhunky · 06/04/2020 21:54

Me too.
Full time job. Trying to wfh, homeschool and take care of kids who because they are home
Are creating more
Cooking cleaning and tidying than usual. No help. No after school clubs etc.
medium.com/@chloe.cooney/parents-are-not-ok-66ab2a3e42d9

Clymene · 06/04/2020 21:55

Get out of the house tomorrow morning. Go on a long walk and your husband will just have to manage. Tell him you're not sure if you're going to come back

He needs to step up. What you're doing now isn't working

Xenia · 06/04/2020 21:56

Hire someone to mind them in the day at your house or elsewhere and you and your husband pay half each. This is not illegal and is permitted under the legislation.

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