Anyone else's home school heading for special measures?

[Eurotrotters]

One week in and there's mutiny at The Eurotrotters Academy. Year three has lost all faith because the teacher couldn't identify different rock types. Meanwhile, Reception has abandoned class and is talking to a group of snails he found in the garden and the head can't bend her knees after two days of PE with Joe.

to all the teachers out there.

The little BogRolls have indeed bogged off after lunchtime
SEN provision is well staffed, and differentiation attempted but ineffective. Learning outcomes do not meet targets and projected grades.

How the heck did I used to teach up to 150 teenagers per day???

Today we are having an inset day

😂 And 🍷 for the headteacher

Easter holidays may have been brought forward...

I've never taken teachers for granted, I've always admired them.

Right now however, they all need all the money and all the praise and all the alcohol.

7 year old (year 2). I can't explain maths. I know it, but I can't put it into words that he understands.

Don't get me started on the 16 year old. She's basically a lodger who doesn't pay rent. She comes out of her room for snacks and the only time we converse is if she's in the kitchen at the same time as me. We're not rowing, which makes a nice change. However she is having no interaction with myself or DS and I'm doing everything on my own.

I fear I'm below even Special Measures.

The Maths teacher has been reported for muttering FFS when asked for the 47th time when snack would be (at 09.11).

The English teacher could not successfully explain what a subordinate clause was.

The PE teacher lobbed them an Easter egg and said they would "walk it off later" (with no actual intention of taking them for a walk).

The Home Economics teacher has taught them how to get their own sandwiches and make her a cup of tea though, so has been awarded Outstanding

The maths teacher here has had a complete melt down and refused to teach maths ever again. The main issue was long division. It’s just not the same as it was in the 90s.

None of the Hippos know what an adjective is. We are feeling very pleased with ourselves as Y6 Hippo followed the school moto

Googlest immediust

We now know it’s a things that describes a noun. We also turned all the socks into snails and sent them to Eurotrotters

Thanks @onehippo, reception could use more snails right now as it appears the earlier ones have slithered off as fast as is snail-ily possible following the incessant witterings of a 4yo.

Little giggles tried it on by spending 2 hours doing 'art', was surprised when her office collegue suggested she get back to school and do the science work set by people far better qualified than the substitute at home, then she tried to finish at the normal school time when she started two hours late.... Nope sub put foot down again, that kid sure can move off a bed when mum turns from the laptop in the corner

I spent most of this morning letting youtube explain fractions to my eldest while I scrolled through homeschooling memes!

(ex cm laughing her head off!)
I remember one time nearly causing a car accident when my dfriend (another cm) who was driving passed saw me acting as goalie for school age dc - she was in hysterics of laughter seeing me do a dive to stop ball (& failing miserably -I was never good at sport )
Those were the days (still remember the bruises & the dc thought it funny too!)
Enjoy yourselves
& as for older teens & uni students on leave - you know they are home because of the empty fridge & the full wash basket (if your lucky!!)

The teacher at my home school just can't be arsed and should definetly be sacked!

Year 5 is doing ok with geography and history here, very helpful year 13 work experience making a huge difference
Year 7 however...we won't speak about year 7!

We have many, many inset days!

Yes, it's a disaster. One pupil is staying in bed until morning break, the canteen has failed the food hygiene inspection because the freezer was open and the other pupil is only prepared to do lessons in the privacy of his own room.

Meanwhile the head teacher was secretly in the staff room at 11am draining the dregs of the wine bottle that wasn't quite finished last night.

The home school teacher here spent her lunch break ordering a case of wine and has decided computer games are educational.

Years 3 and 5 here at MahHQ.

The Staff Room door has had a lock fitted on the inside. It is only under very rare and exceptional cases (a limb hanging off for example) that the children may even knock.

The Head Master (a genuinely lovely fellow with a keen eye for a ball games) has had to take a few days off for stress (he got a bit bitey when the new tennis ball was forcibly removed from his mouth during P.E.), and the Deputy Head is pretty useless, tending towards lying in a sunny spot all day, sometimes raising his fuzzy head and twitching his tail if a bird distracts his slumber.

Otherwise the two supply teachers are doing a pretty nifty job of managing inset days, Disney+ supported education, and draining the entirety of the contents of the back benches of the drinks cabinet. Needless to say the Pastis and the Green Ginger Wine won't be missed.

Potions, anyone?

My 8 year old's "making coffee and fetching biscuits for everyone" skills are improving amazingly. Unfortunately she's now obsessed with doing it and it's like living with a caffeine mad Talkie Toaster.

The moon class was abandoned after the teacher failed miserably at a constructive pronoun task - it was on a timer!
The teacher was last seen sitting in a corner hugging a bottle of pink gin while the class moved on to more mindless screen time.

Pyjama Academy is only open for an hour a day, usually at 5pm when the head teacher remembers nothing useful has been done that day and all staff and pupils are still in pyjamas. The head teacher is below special measures as she does not possess the patience or the ability to explain things in a way the pupil will understand.

When schools open again, it gonna be very very hard to adjust back

Green ginger wine is the fuel this school has been running on since the head teacher was following strict budgetary restrictions and didn't buy any wine.

Maybe you need a teacher training day - AKA inset.

Followed by Easter holidays for 2 weeks.

Then you have 4 more inset days allowed so I'd have them fortnightly!

Seriously though remember 1-2 hours 1:1 is equal I lent to what they get in school over 6 hours of 1:30 (with a ta if you're lucky).