Anyone else's home school heading for special measures?

[Eurotrotters]

One week in and there's mutiny at The Eurotrotters Academy. Year three has lost all faith because the teacher couldn't identify different rock types. Meanwhile, Reception has abandoned class and is talking to a group of snails he found in the garden and the head can't bend her knees after two days of PE with Joe.

to all the teachers out there.

My homeschooling is def not up to the scratch my normal school-ing does when I'm at work!

DD2, year 10 is ecstatic that her mocks should inform her GCSEs of the ones she is sitting early. Mostly she's in line for GCSE of phone interaction and giggling online with her pals. Declined a walk as it would rub in the fact that she can't meet up with her friends as usual.

DD1, uni, seems to be swapping her History degree for one in Minecraft. Also declined a walk, but she rarely ever leaves the house anyway.

Troels jr (yr 10) was 3 hours late today, then only completed the cookery section followed by taste testing. Then the teacher gave up and went shoe shopping online. PE last thing for the day, consisted of an online zoom class which she half heartedly joined in for 5 minutes then left the teacher to do the whole lesson alone.
She has now decided that Easter holidays have started, only two lessons have been posted online at Show my homework one was the teacher checking everyone was OK and the other was to do if you feel like it. as if they feel like doing work
So schools out here till after easter, by then night will be day and I won't know who is living in the back bedroom.

The Acting Deputy Head never seems to have taken up post since one hour into day 1, having explained to the Year 2 for the 547th time that the objective was not that ADH provided the answers but rather Year 2 followed the instructions on the paper - read and recount. The school caretaker, a friendly old chap with questionable hygiene standards, often potters into the classroom to have a natter about various non-curriculum issues including who didn't flush in the gents, whether there is a smell coming from the drains and how much longer the isolation will last. Inspectors who questioned the hygiene positively fainted at the language used when told how long isolation may last. The Head remains optimistically, delusionally chipper. This may be as a result of the 11am Baileys coffee. Or hysteria. Core subjects have thus far included; PE (Head's competitive nature has led to mobility problems following enthusiastic squat challenge), home economics (when Year 2 didn't have a medicine ball for aforementioned PE, the bread baked badly in HE came in useful for medicine ball slams), maths (fractions mainly for working out how many Baileys coffees can be strung from one bottle), English (having explained the meaning of every word in the Oxford dictionary at least 597 times, history (back in my day...) geography (no we can't walk to Australia in the one hour a day exercise slot) and PSHE (I feel a breakdown coming on).

As a recently retired teacher, I have now taken up employment as a LA advisory teacher specialising the education of grandchildren from afar.
Yesterday's advice to DD1 for 20 month old gs was to introduce him to Peppa Pig and buy a kid proof cover for the iPad.
Today's advice for DD2 was to introduce Purple Mash and Twinkl homeschooling apps to her 10 yr old Dsd
My advice to let gs figure out how to self propel his swing went down well (pic attached)

Aha! @avrilpoissons I am on the other side to them and have unfortunately been ofstedded 9 times so far, and have read far more Ofsted reports than even I would care to count and I love numbers!

The Evil head of Salem’s Lot Academy knows how to crack the whip. The kids are well behaved.

yr 13 has nothing really to except wind up yr 9, both teachers here still working at least part time but thankfully yr 9 seems to be happily getting on with work by themselves(wants to be in top sets when they go back), just got 7b in assignment so v. happy

I think if I was at home full time with them the brandy bottle would be empty by now

Honeysuckle jr has been awarded 3 weeks of Easter Holiday by his generous Headteacher

As a teacher I love this thread👍

You know all that stuff we learned at school that we've spent your entire adult lives forgetting and wondering what the purpose of ever learning in the first place was?

Well now we know!!

I have decided to follow the Summerhill model. One is self-directing their learning based on the work school has set, the other is working on learning the skills necessary to start a vampiric cult. OFSTED wouldn't get out alive 😁

@ADreamOfGood you and me both

Well, my skills at adding and subtracting fractions appear to now really be rather good. I have taught myself well. My pupil however, really couldn't care less.

After a promising start in week one, the Crackers Institute of Home Education was suffering from unmotivated teaching staff and student body today. Sole teacher manages to fill ten minutes locating stationery and another ten making tea*. While teacher is thus occupied, sole pupil slides Beano out from under work folder.

Staff and student have tacitly reached an understanding.

*catching up on news
**making tea

One of the pupils is developing their ability to debate after arguing pretty much constantly all day. Another is excelling at broadening their range of vocals during music. High pitched sounds have certainly been mastered well.

The teacher has used ppa time to write lesson plans to teach capacity, experimenting with various liquids in 75cl bottles. She has also taken the opportunity to inform the wag man about the truenting of certain pupils. Welfare checks are expected to take place over the course of the next few days. There is certainly cause for concern.

There are only brief moments of education here in Tunnocks Towers.

In Maths the pupils appear to be following the correct method but get the wrong answer repeatedly; the teacher is using an apparently ‘wrong’ approach, but is right every time. This is provoking dangerous levels of rage in both Y3 and Y6.

Y6 is excelling in Mobile Studies. It’s now known that one should not create a WhatsApp group of friends who, although they all know you, do not know each other, and that it’s ill advised to phone one’s Uncle at 7.30am on a Saturday.

Watcher Academy has two highly motivated as they're paying for it Masters students who are now having to all but teach themselves their courses, as they were way beyond the Head's capabilities outsourced to other educational establishments which have now closed. The Head is therefore undertaking regular counselling sessions with the students and providing copious snacks and drinks due to them being "stressed-out''. Year 11 is self-isolating in the IT suite, in constant contact with friends via XBox which is, he asserts, benefitting his mental health. As is the fact that he has no stress at all, due the school abandoning all conventional assessment criteria at GCSE level. Pastoral provision at the school is rated 'Outstanding' by the students, at least. The Head is secretly pleased that she will not be required to offer the usual dispiriting motivational revision sessions to Year 11.

The head turned up to open Sassenach school very late this morning, nothing to do with vast amounts of gin being consumed the evening before - to combat the stress of Monday's teaching experience.

It was a good days learning today in year 8 though, a music festival logo and promotional t-shirt were designed, a maths test was taken and French vocabulary was successfully learned.
Even better the deputy head came home just in time to take over and run the PE lesson.

3 days to the Easter break......

Coming late to this, we are hoping for an ofsted inspection as there is an urgent last minute lesson tomorrow on toilet repair. Not only one emergency toilet repair but one per pupil if the fecking parts arrive.

Mine shut down on day one. Both have asd and opposing needs. Not killing each other is a win.

Absolutely, waiting for my closure notice any day now 🤞🏻😂

Love this thread!

From a teacher to all you parents home-educating right now - thank you for doing what you can, keep going and you've got this! 👍🏻

(Plus, you know, Easter holidays soon 🍷)

This thread has cheered me up, Op. Thank you 😊