Partner wants new phone - what is ‘fair’?

[hotcrosslily]

We’re in our second month of our new rental property. £650 a month in the East Mids. We have a 4yo together and I’m due at the end of next month. He earns £1000 a month (apprentice/unqualified labourer) and I earn £800 from self employment. I buy all the food shopping, stuff for the children and pay the utility bills yet he somehow still managed to be £60 short for his half of the rent this month! We don’t have a joint account yet but will be setting one up soon as I’m way better at managing money so I can keep on top of it all. We don’t have cars so that’s one less expense at least. Live very central and walking distance to daughter’s school.

He buys tobacco almost weekly and pays for the odd bits that we need from the shop but always spends money on ridiculous things for himself like £4 tiny packets of beef jerky. He’s 30 but still into skateboarding occasionally so bought himself a new £50 skateboard last week. He also spent £30 on some new clothes. Also spent god knows how much on video games. I however don’t buy anything for myself and haven’t even got any maternity clothes at 7 1/2 months pregnant! I wear the same outfit of Primark leggings and a £10 sweatshirt or plain tee.

You can imagine my response when he said he was going to buy a new phone at the weekend He broke his old one and has been using an outdated model but it works perfectly fine. He only uses it to text/ring family and play games on. Not like he needs it for work or anything. I said no not until he’s paid his half of the rent and mentioned his recent purchases. He agreed in a stroppy way but didn’t cause an argument at least. Am I being mean? He should be contributing half to everything that I pay out. I spend all of my wage on food shopping, household items, bills and stuff for the kids/baby. I haven’t had my hair cut in almost a year and am lucky if I can buy make up more than once a year! Frustrates me that he regularly buys things for himself without a thought for
me when our finances should really be shared.

You should both have equal spending money. He’s being selfish.

How was it established that you pay for all the family costs and he pays only for himself? Especially given that you earn less than him.
Realistically with a child, it would probably be easier to have joint money.
The phone is the absolute least of your problems. He’s a selfish, immature prick OP. Is that the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Does he notice that you have no maternity clothes? Does he even care?

I feel sorry for you to be honest.

Why would you choose to have another child with this fool?

Why on earth have you allowed this to carry on? Why have another child with him?!

Smh.

He lived with his parents up until we got together and had our daughter so it’s one of those ‘mummy and daddy did everything and expected nothing’ situations. He didn’t move out until 25 whereas I was living independently since 17. I’ve been painstakingly working to undo that over the years. I think I’m going to adopt the tactic of adding everything up that I’ve spent, halving it and then making sure he spends that amount on the household until we have our new bank account.

He sees it as pointless splitting things until we have a joint account as there’s no point say giving me £50 if I spend £100 on the food shop when the money is there in his account if we need it anyway. That’s his attitude towards it. It does kind of make sense but only if he was spending the same amount on stuff that should be shared. I don’t think it’s fair that he’s spent over £100 on himself in the past 2 weeks yet I had to pay the shortfall for the rent. I think he’s slowly learning and when we get the joint account spending on himself will have to be decided by both of us. I don’t want to be too controlling though and it’s hard to me to find the line between organising the finances and ordering him around. At the moment, considering I can’t work full time and the fact he earns below minimum wage, we shouldn’t be spending money on things that aren’t necessary. Like the phone for example. He’s got a perfectly working one that does the things he needs it for so not sure what was going through his head to think it’s acceptable to spend hundreds he doesn’t have on a new one

He’s wonderful in every other way otherwise I would have left him. It’s partly his fault and partly his parents’ for letting him live rent and bills free for so many years. He was used to that lifestyle so doesn’t understand budgeting and how finances should be split. I’m hoping he will learn a few things once we have our joint account. He doesn’t go out or anything like that so isn’t spending it on boozed up weekends and stag dos which is a plus at least!

How the hell does he think it right that he doesn't pay anything towards bills and food? Does he actually not have a brain?

Op I can’t believe you pay for all the food and utility bills! That’s not fair at all. And he earns more than you. This needs sorting ASAP

Get the joint account set up today. It takes no time at all.

Add up all the bills, rent and food then divide by % he pays higher as he has more coming in.

That goes in a joint account

What's left is yours for clothes, treats etc...

At the moment, considering I can’t work full time and the fact he earns below minimum wage, we shouldn’t be spending money on things that aren’t necessary.

But yet having a second child was a good idea?!

Will I be controlling to suggest that all payments from our account need to be mutually agreed with and there needs to be a genuine reason for them? I.e. not buying a new pair of trainers if he has several pairs already. Opposite is if all his socks have holes in he can get some new pairs. I want to make that a sort of ‘clause’ and if he breaks it he will have to return whatever he has bought without permission. We aren’t in a financial position for luxuries at the moment but it does make me feel controlling to think like that. I’m very sensible with money so I feel like I should be in control. I shouldn’t be having to pause at the online checkout before buying things we need like a Moses basket so we can afford this months rent whilst he is buying luxuries for himself.

I told him straight when he said about getting a new phone and he does understand so I don’t think it will be that diffuser to get control over it. It’s not always been like this so he’s not as bad as posters may think. He had a higher wage before being made redundant from his previous job and I was making up to £3000 a month from my business and freelance work before I fell pregnant and got sick. We did used to be able to buy whatever we wanted but things have changed. He also needs to change with it though!

Difficult* not diffuser!

I think he’s slowly learning

He needs to learn quickly.
He’s a father of a 4 year old with a baby on the way.

We have three accounts, one each and joint. Work out what everything costs, bills food etc and then till him half of that amount goes in the joint account on payday. Your wages are unequal so could always ask him for 60%.

that way whatever's left in your individual accounts is for you each to spend at your own discretion

Maythelordopen1 OH was made redundant when I was 2 months pregnant from a £2k a month job. I was running a successful visual arts business working every day including weekends but became very sick with HG so had to cut back my work drastically. Now that I’m heavily pregnant I can’t do a lot of the work I used to such as photography for big music events, festivals and clothing lines as it’s very strenuous. I can earn a maximum of £1k a month from home through graphic design and editing but have been prioritising the house move and getting everything ready for new baby as OH works 12 hours a day.

I’m sure there are plenty of couples/single parents with more than 2 children with an income of less than £1800-£2000 a month!

He’s an idiot.

And no, at this point, it has nothing to do with his parents (I, too, am fortunate enough to have received quite a bit of financial help from family—and it would have never occurred to me that a partner should pick up my slack!)

You talk about him as if he's a child. He's a grown man who has a 4 year old and another (why?!) on the way, he knows what he's supposed to do, he'd have to be a complete and utter idiot not to.

this guys having a bloody laugh.. you have 2 kids and one on the way... he’s ripping the piss OP..

He sounds like a total man child. 1k a month is an extremely low salary yet he’s spending it on stupid shit like smoking and skateboards . He needs to grow the fuck up.

Might be easier to set up a joint account that everything goes into and then have your own accounts that you pay a certain amount from the main account into for luxuries. That way he can save for things he wants and you aren't 'controlling' what he spends

Go through your expenditure for the last three months and show him exactly what you have spent on family costs. Ask him for half of all of those costs before moving on. You also need to work out how you as a family are going to pay bills while you are not working after the baby is born. If he is only covering 50% of the rent and nothing else, you are going to be in serious trouble. Going forward, you have to get an agreement that rent, bills, food, childcare get paid and then any leftovers get shared between savings and individual spending. Good luck!!

The monthly (very frugal) budget I want is:

Income: £1800
Rent: £650
Utility Bills: £100
Council Tax: £120
Food Shopping: £250
Child/Baby Items: £200

^Nursery/Pre-School (my father kindly pays for): £900
Private Education (my father will pay for until I return to work full time): £3000 a term^

Total monthly expenditures: £1320

We’re a bit behind after paying £2000 to move house and still waiting on the deposit from previous difficult landlord.

So realistically we should have £480 left a month if we are frugal enough. We do have the odd takeaway/meals out and he does trips to small shop for top ups on the weekly shop but he spends a lot on himself. Presumably gets a lot of food and drinks whilst at work too as he never gets up early enough to make a packed lunch! He needs to learn to be frugal so we can have those luxuries and get new clothes when we want them etc. I’m just finding it hard not to be controlling and overbearing!

He needs to grow up. He’s 30

I understand you think you need to take over everything but that means he’ll never learn.
Must be so unattractive having to baby him.