“I don’t think it’s fair that he’s spent over £100 on himself in the past 2 weeks yet I had to pay the shortfall for the rent”
Actually as you had to cover £60 of his share of the rent YOU paid £60 of that £100
Hoping that thought makes you WAKE UP!
Classic cocklodger!
Why why why do women continue to enable and financially support these lazy, selfish men?!
He should be paying AT LEAST half of
Rent
Council tax
Water
Gas/electric
WiFi
Tv licence
Groceries
Anything for dc
And anything else you have that he also benefits from like streaming services etc.
He should actually pay slightly more than you as he earns more.
On mn often the advice is to pool money then whatever’s left after household expenses is split between you for personal expenditure. That seems fair to me.
In addition doing things this way means you shouldn’t need to “police” every bit of personal expenditure he chooses and he can’t question yours either BUT he’s then paying his way properly.
He KNOWS he is taking the piss posters giving it “how does he not know” and similar - he knows he’s holding down a job and is a grown ass adult he’s not stupid!
He’s just depending on op not challenging the status quo.
I think it perfectly acceptable to have a joint account and you both agree that is for necessities/bills only. Each have a personal account for personal expenditure.
Perhaps agree a trial period of this as I’m concerned he may continue to spend out of the joint account freely and without considering your (joint) obligations to pay your bills.
Rent is a priority above EVERYTHING else. Always.
Your budget potentially allows £240 EACH for personal spending - that’s plenty!
“I would go so far as to not allow him a card for the joint account” very tempted to agree with this though I don’t like the aspect of op having to control this
“he works 8am-8pm” and you work what the equivalent of I’m guessing min 7am to 10pm? By the time you actually get sat down of an evening? And when you have a newborn again you’ll be pretty much 24/7 - your work matters too!
The very least he could do of an evening which isn’t too taxing but would relieve things a little for you is dishes, clean down kitchen and a load of laundry.
What does he do at weekends housework/child rearing wise?
Does he at least clean up after himself or are you doing that too?
My dad and both granddads were all military when their families were younger and manual workers when they were older, also working long hours/2 jobs - they still pulled their weight at home!
“He had a day off yesterday because there were no jobs on and he sat playing video games all day” sounds like my ex!
It was a day off WORK not a day off from LIFE and certainly not a day off from being a PARTNER AND FATHER.
I nipped that in the bud immediately with ex! No way was he sitting on his arse on days off at home especially if I was working (we didn’t have dc at this point thankfully - but that is why I nipped it in the bud) I was very clear I expected to come home to a house in more or less state I’d left it and It certainly wouldn’t kill him to do a load of laundry, run hoover round, start dinner...
Your are berating other women for “trad wife” living but you’re one of them!
Op if you split from him and you will soon be able to reinstate your previous earning levels I feel pretty sure you’d be better off financially without him. You’d also be less knackered! Cos you have really just taken over from his enabling parents!
I’d be telling him to grow up, start pulling his weight AND paying his way or fuck off!!
According to your budget you’re covering HIS costs to the tune of £335 EVERY month AT LEAST in terms of his not paying his way. What could you do with that money op? What could you do for dc?
Quick calculation on entitled to based on your current earnings, rent and 2 dc is that you’d get around £190 pw uc if you were to split.
That’s nearly £500 more than you’re getting from him!
“Realistically there is no winning in my situation. If we broke up I would still be doing everything in the household anyway” you’d not be doing HIS cooking, laundry, dishes, cleaning up after his showers, shits and goodness knows what else!
I’ve been a single mum 17 years, it’s not easy but it’s a damn sight easier than if I’d been running round after a lazy arsed manchild!
“How does everyone else on here share the work in the household?” Aside from his cheeky attempt at laziness on annual leave when I was married we had a fair division of labour.
Both cooked (his version admittedly initially was a freezer to oven job with baked beans or tinned corn as the veg! but he learned and improved), both did dishes & cleaning down kitchen, (it was a whoever cooked the other did the dishes & kitchen tidy up deal)
Both did laundry, hoovering, dusting, general tidying, cleaning bathroom including loo, I did downstairs windows he did upstairs ones.
Grocery shopping we did together on a Sunday as was only day off we had together (pre online shopping, when that came in we had dd and we’d both add to the list on a whiteboard through the week and then once a week one of us would order - usually him as my eyesight not the best and computer screens/shopping sites then weren’t great and would give me headache).
I mostly worked retail while we were together so my day off in the week (usually around mid week) as I worked Saturdays I’d do a housework blitz and then Saturdays he’d do one.
There were a few jobs where each of us preferred to be the one doing eg being army he was much better and faster at ironing than me so he’d do all the ironing and organise any dry cleaning too as always good cheap dry cleaners on base and easy for him to go on way to/from work. I had an admin/bookkeeping background and his maths wasn’t the best so I mainly managed the budget (though we’d discuss major changes and we discussed and agreed how we’d manage it when first married/living together) and I’d also manage things like contents and car insurance.
Bins - he’d take em out when they were full and heavy and I’d bring em in after they were emptied.
When we had dd she was bf at first but he’d still do night wakings and do nappy changes/settling (when she went through her colicky phase he was the only one who COULD settle her), he took 2 weeks annual leave (no paternity leave then) but when he went back to work (also a manual job and included shifts and 24h duties etc) he still pulled his weight and parented dd when he was home, baths, walks, playing with her or if I was feeding or otherwise already dealing with her he’d put a laundry on, start/cook dinner, do dishes... whatever needed doing. When he was on “standard” hours mon-fri we’d take it in turns to have a lie in at weekends, when shifts and duties interfered with that he saw it as he “owed me” a lie in as he’d say even on training he’d get a full nights sleep where I wouldn’t have.
I’m 47 and I have to agree I think younger men are massively lazy, selfish and entitled.
As I seem to say repeatedly on such threads my dad and grandas had “traditional” marriages/set up BUT that didn’t mean they did fuck all! All 3 worked at least 2 jobs for long periods, big families, mum is one of 6 and dad 1 of 5. They’d get their pay in wee brown envelopes (I’m old enough that’s how I was paid at first!) which they would hand over - still sealed - to their wives who opened them and allocated cash to whichever “fund” or bill and they’d then hand some back to the men for “beer money” - running joke dads side that for 20 years he didn’t know what his own wage was!
They may not have done “women’s work” but they did all the “men’s work” - all the heavy household tasks inc obvious like diy, repairs, building furniture, cleaning gutters, sorting the garden or allotment, car maintenance and repair, fixing toys, decorating, but also less obvious things like carrying the heavy wet washing to the washing line, hoovering (this one surprised me until the gran I was discussing it with challenged me to try and use her ancient hoover - weighed a bloody ton!!) and child rearing - yes traditionally men weren’t involved with babies and toddlers but they’d be involved with older dc - reading stories, teaching them to swim/cycle/identify various items in nature, helping with homework etc and even supervising older bath times and certainly discipline “wait till your father gets home” is a cliche for a reason.
“I clean daily as I go along and put washing on in the mornings so he wouldn’t really be able to help with that.” Of course he could! You don’t HAVE to do the laundry in the mornings. Or only in the mornings. When you have a newborn you certainly won’t be doing only one load a day! I only had the one and the laundry was never ending when she was a newborn! So he can pop a load on when he gets in of an evening and you can hang it/dry it in the morning.
I have to say as I’m reading you’re reminding me more and more of me in some ways - and I have dx ocd! The difference is my ex understood me and still insisted that he do his share. Even if it weren’t to my standard.
I think there’s an element of you need to let go of some control and let him do more - even if it’s not to your high standard, it’s still better than you trying to do it all and possibly making yourself ill/knackered.
I’ve just done another quick calculation and even based on you staying together and your current earnings you could still be eligible for uc. Have you not checked your entitlements?