Partner wants new phone - what is ‘fair’?

[hotcrosslily]

We’re in our second month of our new rental property. £650 a month in the East Mids. We have a 4yo together and I’m due at the end of next month. He earns £1000 a month (apprentice/unqualified labourer) and I earn £800 from self employment. I buy all the food shopping, stuff for the children and pay the utility bills yet he somehow still managed to be £60 short for his half of the rent this month! We don’t have a joint account yet but will be setting one up soon as I’m way better at managing money so I can keep on top of it all. We don’t have cars so that’s one less expense at least. Live very central and walking distance to daughter’s school.

He buys tobacco almost weekly and pays for the odd bits that we need from the shop but always spends money on ridiculous things for himself like £4 tiny packets of beef jerky. He’s 30 but still into skateboarding occasionally so bought himself a new £50 skateboard last week. He also spent £30 on some new clothes. Also spent god knows how much on video games. I however don’t buy anything for myself and haven’t even got any maternity clothes at 7 1/2 months pregnant! I wear the same outfit of Primark leggings and a £10 sweatshirt or plain tee.

You can imagine my response when he said he was going to buy a new phone at the weekend He broke his old one and has been using an outdated model but it works perfectly fine. He only uses it to text/ring family and play games on. Not like he needs it for work or anything. I said no not until he’s paid his half of the rent and mentioned his recent purchases. He agreed in a stroppy way but didn’t cause an argument at least. Am I being mean? He should be contributing half to everything that I pay out. I spend all of my wage on food shopping, household items, bills and stuff for the kids/baby. I haven’t had my hair cut in almost a year and am lucky if I can buy make up more than once a year! Frustrates me that he regularly buys things for himself without a thought for
me when our finances should really be shared.

user1480880826 not sure how it’s my fault He’s the one who needs to ‘pull himself together’. If I kicked him out I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent by myself and would be left doing everything anyway so it’s a no-win situation really!

Congratulations. You have yourself a manchild.

Fair would be contributing your agreed amounts to family expenses (your incomes aren't wildly different, after all) and not leaving your partner stumping up the shortfall because you've frittered your own money away on non essential items. After that has been done, then he can decide if he has enough for a new phone.

You baby him as much as his bloody parents, allowing him to get away with doing sod all around the house etc. He also thinks his money is his and your money is everyone's

Four years living away from his parents is plenty of time to have for his act together! I don't know why you think it's so little.

You have incredibly low expectations of him, and the only person who can change that (unless you can get his parents on board) is you.

Write down every single thing you do for the household for a day, or a week. I mean EVERY single thing. Write down every single thing you did for this move. Show the lists to him. Ask him to write down every single thing he's done for the household that day/week. Then ask him what sort of a man he is.

If he doesn't see why he should contribute to food, don't buy him food.

tenlittlecygnets not really and apologies if I seem rude but I’m not trying to be defensive. There is a generally very low standard for young males in this day and age. Middle aged men do a lot more in the home and are generally more successful IMO. My generation has been babied a lot more also.

I don’t really want to be chastised on here for my partners behaviour and don’t really deem it to be fair. If I wanted to be put down about my life choices then I would have posted in AIBU. I posted for advise on how not to seem controlling and how to sort out a decent budget which was answered very well for me on the last page.

Realistically there is no winning in my situation. If we broke up I would still be doing everything in the household anyway. I would also lose the house and become homeless as I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent. It’s not really as easy as it sounds.

I’ve had the classic responses of ‘why did you have children with him’ and ‘why are you having another one on your income’. People’s circumstances and the people themselves do change unfortunately. Like I’ve said, we worked a lot better when we both had much higher incomes and could spend what we wanted. Now that we have to be frugal, not so much.

How does everyone else on here share the work in the household? I’m genuinely quite interested as most of the women I know personally are SAHMs who do everything aside from bring home a wage.

I am a fairly keen follower of Dave Ramsey , if you haven't heard of him he is an American personal money adviser , mainly helping people in debt . He is very vocal on the fact that in a relationship you need to both be on board with finances , and those who do their own thing will probably struggle with money and or debt , or at least not do as well financially as couples who work together

not sure how it’s my fault. He’s the one who needs to ‘pull himself together’

You don't ask him to do anything. You haven't asked him to do the washing up, com a meal, put the washing on. You haven't asked him to pay a bill, send an email, make an admin phone call. You didn't ask him to do anything regarding the move. You're not even getting him to help unpack at the weekend.

He's not going to magically notice you doing this stuff and think "maybe I should help". You have to loosen control over these areas and make him do stuff. And you have to show him, via those lists I suggested, exactly how little he's doing at present, and remind him that he is 50% of this partnership.

saraclara Where did I say I haven’t asked him to help in anyway?

I do, he responds with ‘I’m out at work 12 hours a day, you’re at home all the time’

My husband and I shared all the household stuff one way or another, when we had small children and worked. Parenting was entirely 50/50. The house was properly cleaned every Saturday morning. We got up and did that together before the weekend properly started. I was the more motivated regarding our finances, so I did that side of things. He found cooking quite relaxing after a day at work, so tended to be the meal maker on weekdays. I did the washing, we both did the ironing in front of the TV on Sunday nights. I did mine, he did his.
So yep, I think we were as close to 50/50 on responsibilities and effort as was possible.

At least if everyone were to get married first before going down the route of having children , you could have compulsory 'lessons' on money management before having the ceremony ... this isn't meant to be an attack this was the only way I could think of wording it !!
Money management needs to be discussed and agreed before you embark on any life changing event , apparently money issues are the biggest cause relationship breakdowns ,

pelirocco123 Thank you! Will check him out, I’m good at general budgeting but still have a lot to learn especially RE sharing the financial load

saraclara Where did I say I haven’t asked him to help in anyway?

I do, he responds with ‘I’m out at work 12 hours a day, you’re at home all the time’

You're a SAHM? I thought you worked.

I was a SAHM for many years , I assumed the role of doing all the day to day jobs round the home , as I feel that's only right . I thought the whole point of this thread was unfair division of money , not labour?

Ok, so, eventually you will get bored of playing mummy to him (been there, mine was a total manchild and had a string of affairs as, you know, his needs came first second third and last)

In the meantime, get him to come up with the suggestions on how the budget works. He needs to take an active part in this, or it becomes another thing mummy tells him what to do (he will grow to resent this, see my affair story). His ideas will no doubt be shit but he might start to engage

If I had my time over, I would leave and live an independent life. It's so much less stressful. Look at how little £ he gives you anyway! You'd get UC (check to see how much) plus maintenance and a few nights off a week. Way better! But you won't, so try the sit down meeting instead

saraclara what are both your working hours like?

OH can’t help with things like pre-school drop offs and pick ups, meals and bed time as he’s out the house from 8am-8pm 5 days a week. Sometimes it can run into 9/10pm depending on the jobs he’s been on and how far away he’s been working. The only time he can do bed time, baths, learning etc is at the weekend and this usually gives me a chance to have some ‘me time’. Nice bath and a book for an hour etc.

I take DD to pre-school for 10am and collect her at 5pm so it would be impossible for him to help with that. I make dinner that I eat with DD which OH then reheats when he gets home. I bathe DD, read to her and she’s in bed by 7pm. I clean daily as I go along and put washing on in the mornings so he wouldn’t really be able to help with that. I like to do all the washing together to save money and mess irritates me (especially whilst I’m in the nesting phase😂) otherwise I’d leave it to pile up for him to do on the weekends. He does sometimes offer to help when he is at home but usually by the time I’ve nearly finished. I.e if I’m hanging washing out and I’ve got 3 items of clothing left. The house is usually always spotless (apart from DD’s mess!) as I do it all as go along so there isn’t really actually much to help with when he is around. But obviously it would be nice not to have to do everything!

saraclara I can earn a maximum of £1k a month from home through graphic design and editing I work from home but do it around the housework so technically both

Sorry that should have quotation marks as I posted it further back in the thread! pelirocco123 I will be a SAHM after baby is born as I won’t be working until she is around 6 months old. It was originally about that but a few posters asked if I do everything too like all the housework

Have you checked on entitledto.com to see if you would be much worse off without him? You'd probably have to ride it out while on maternity leave but it might help you not to feel so trapped when he continues swinging his leg as far as behaving like a grown adult and parent goes.

It's not controlling to expect your partner to step up and be a partner, btw.

Okay, I misunderstood and didn't realise that you were around in the day. And yes, of course it's easier doing things as you go along, so there's not going to be as much work waiting to be done when he's around.

We left for work at 7:00 (him) and 9:00 (me) and were home between 5 and 6. But then we had to work at home once the kids were in bed and at points during the weekend. So yes, we were lucky to both be home to do the evening parenting stuff, and having broadly equal amount of time at home made the sharing of jobs much more obviously reasonable.

When is he going to start earning a proper wage? £1k pm for 60 hours a week is extremely low. If the apprenticeship isn't going to lead to better pay soon, he needs to look for a different job.

Have you checked what benefits you are entitled to? You might be able to get some UC on that income, especially when you have 2 DC.

As far as the joint account goes, don't give him access to it. Get both your wages and any benefits paid into the joint account and work out how much you need for bills, food, child expenses, some savings for annual and irregular expenses like Christmas, insurance, white goods replacement etc and split the rest 50/50 for personal spending money. That's the only money he's allowed to spend and he gets no more until next month. He needs to take a packed lunch as that will save a fortune probably.

So, @hotcrosslily, when your h earned a better wage he was miraculously a better dad and did his share of the childcare and housework? I bet he didn't. He doesn't care that you haven't had your hair cut in a year and have no maternity clothes - has he changed that much?

If you got rid of him you'd qualify for UC and you wouldn't have to be looking after him, washing his clothes, cooking for him, tidying up after him. From what you say, he physically isn't in the house while the dc are awake Monday to Friday, so how can you expect him to help then?

Weekends are another story. But I think it is reasonable to ask why your standards are so low and why you're choosing to put up with this rather than ensuring your relationship is more equal.

I really doubt you’d be homeless when you’ve a dad who is willing to pay £1000s on school fees.
You’re in a better position than a lot of women to walk away from this wasted.

*waster

Yeah sorry I'm confused as to why your allowing him to be a teenager...
Oh he's into skateboarding, doesn't pay anything apart from half the rent if he even does that, probably does no chores, bet you do all of his laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and your having another baby.

AND THEN YOUR STILL ASKING IF YABU..

I would be seriously kicking him in the butt.
All bills and rent should be halved and to be honest all income should be put into one pot but even if you have separate finances, everything from bills to rent to food to childcare should be halved because its his children too.