Stupid argument. What now?

[Howmanysleepsnow]

So, went for a day out today. The plan was to go for a walk round a NT place. The woman in the ticket office showed ds some places on the map. I asked DH if we could detour to see them. He said we were meant to be going for a walk. I told DS we’d see them another time as daddy wanted to go for a walk. Maybe not the best way to put it, but I wasn’t trying to place blame and didn’t see it as anything more than a factual answer (so that’s my error). Anyway, it blew up into a huge argument and we went home. DH hasn’t spoken to me really for 7 hours now except to say he hAtes me and never to speak to him again. Being me, I tried to talk (several times, I’m either an eternal optimist and believe it’ll help or never learn from my mistakes depending on whose POV you take) but that ended very badly with DH throwing things (food, nothing heavy) and saying he hates me and will kill me if I speak to him again. (Dc not present).
Where do I go from here? I’ve apologised, but it made things worse. I don’t have the best communication skills admittedly. Is there any way forward? How do I fix this? It all seems so stupid, can’t believe it’s blown up into this.

Am argument is when you can't agree whose turn it is to put out the bins. But this is him throwing things, saying he never wants to speak to you again and threatening to kill you?
I've got an MA in women's studies and have done courses about domestic abuse. Threatening to kill someone when angry can turn into actually doing it. It almost always turns into physical violence. Throwing things Is another sign of physical violence on the verge of happening. What saves women in these relationships is leaving. Your communication skills will make no difference.
Is he threatening to kill his boss? Given that the stress is work related that would be more logical. But no, it's you he threatens. This has nothing to do with his work and everything to do with how he feels towards you. In his head he thinks it's ok to treat you like this, and therefore it will be ok to hit you. Probably blowing up once a year is enough to keep you compliant and he just thinks it's about time to remind you he's in charge.
Fwiw, most parents would consider walking to the kids things as going for a walk and would want to see their child happy. Even there he was being a selfish sick

OP this is awful to read. You absolutely did nothing wrong! And why couldn’t he have had his walk AND seen the things on the map that DS had wanted to see? A trip out shouldn’t be about just one person. Is he often like that? My way or the highway? You certainly had nothing to apologise for. I’m with pp’s - he’s abusive

Do you think you could ring the police without him noticing?

There was a case the woman pretended to call for pizza delivery.
You could pretend to ring a friend or relative.

Probably blowing up once a year is enough to keep you compliant and he just thinks it's about time to remind you he's in charge.

Yup. I think this needs emphasising. And from the number of times you tried to clarify to us that his behaviour was really your fault he's clearly trained you well to comply.

I feel very sorry for you.

And I worry that you listen and highlight the one other poor woman who also has a bastard for a husband.

Also, ignore SheSaidNoFuckThat

I’m sure he will be calm by morning

I agree it isn’t always abuse to say something you don’t mean

Just to go tiptoeing around him. He was in the wrong. You weren’t.

I say this while my DH is upstairs alone, having not spoken to me since he got home, because he’s upset he didn’t get his own way about something today. I know he is the one who is wrong so I’m going to leave him to it.

But my DH does this a lot OP. I hope yours doesn’t. My DH calms down quickly usually and acts like nothing has happened and we can be very happy. The tough times can be tough.

Wtf. Echoing everyone else here - he is abusive.

@Lweji god forbid someone sees something from a different perspective

Nasty unpleasant shit. Not a man I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. Be interesting to see how he'd juggle sole charge of 4DC half the week if you split because of his attitude.
Throw that back at him.

@SheSaidNoFuckThat that’s what I was thinking. Though I did leave talking to him for 2 hours at first when asked to. But I suppose longer would be better.
@BunnytheBee I just wish I knew how to calm things sooner/ not escalate them I guess. Plus right now I’m in that uncertain bit where I don’t know if it can ever go back to being good, and I hate that it’s completely out of my control and I just have to wait and see what he decides.

If you don't want to leave, and you believe that tomorrow he will be calm and "normal" again, I would wait until he calmed down and then tell him, calmly and firmly that if he ever threatens you or throws something at yu again, the relationship will be over.

While I support a PP who stated that the statistics show that these situations often escalate into physical violence, even if they don't, they are incredibly damaging to you and to the children.

You clearly communicate differently, as in he seems to need space when you need to talk. Maybe some relationship counselling might help?

Tbh OP in my experience it isn’t possible to stop a man from behaving like this if that is his natural “personality”. I have found that I have got better with my own reactions and that I don’t get as upset by it because I know it’s temporary. That’s actually quite sad as I don’t think I should have to get used to this sort of behaviour but I also think MN would have us believe all husbands are supposed to be placid princes when in fact shit happens, people argue and people behave badly. I have found my DH has got better over the years. With him I think he simply cannot handle stress.

@Howmanysleepsnow I think the majority of us have said stupid things when in an argument, not condoning him acting like a dick, but personally if I've told someone not to talk to me and they do before I'm ready then it riles me more

OP there are some undercurrents here of some seriously abusive behaviour.

You use words such as being good/poor communication skills/being me where he has clearly gaslighted and emotionally abused you into believing that its your fault. That there is something you can do to fix it when you cant.

Then there is the bit where you do everything with the children, presumably all the house work and admin plus 1/3 of the money yet you get berated as well for not earning enough. Do you spend money on yourself or does he?

That’s actually quite sad as I don’t think I should have to get used to this sort of behaviour but I also think MN would have us believe all husbands are supposed to be placid princes when in fact shit happens, people argue and people behave badly

It is sad you’ve had to get used to that. But you’re presenting those two types of people above as one or the other whereas actually, a realistic non-abusive third type falls between the two. There is a world of difference between people just ‘behaving badly’ and acting as this guy has, especially hours later. If I’m arguing with someone, I may expect them to lash out or say something they don’t mean but acknowledge that pretty quick smart. I would expect them either way definitely not to say anything on the level this guy has. Those are completely reasonable expectations of a spouse.

But you’re presenting those two types of people above as one or the other whereas actually, a realistic non-abusive third type falls between the two.

I don’t understand your point. Sorry.

bunnythebee I think the point is that not many men are placid princes and most relationships do have people arguing and behaving badly but those have a realistic non abusive third type.

The OP is not showing one of those normal men, her words and her behaviour show a very abusive men

So there are three types - placid, realistic and abusive

I don’t really see how that fits in with what I was saying generally

I was saying my DH behaves like OP’s. I’m sure people would say he is abusive. I don’t think it is always abusive and that “realistic” category must be quite wide as it’s the largest one - most people must fall into it

And tomorrow he will probably have calmed down and carry on as normal.

Well there you are - if you want to fix it - keep out of his way and the Pathetic ManChild will be fine tomorrow

I'd consider not allowing him to treat you like a piece of crap , though

Oh Bunny no I dont think this behaviour is ever in the normal one, not speaking for ages, refusing to apologise etc, making you feel like you are wrong is sadly in the abusive category

You do realise he’s training you to not upset him? Because if you do he will be horrible and abusive and make life hell until he’s “got over it”.

If you want to ‘fix things’ you will be a good, quiet, submissive little wife and don’t talk to him until he decides to talk to you. Then when he’s over his strop and speaks to you again you will make sure not to give him any kind of criticism or pushback and don’t disobey him or speak to him until he’s says you’re allowed to. Otherwise he’ll make you pay for it again. And this will repeat and repeat.....but then again he’s under stress at work so he should be allowed to treat you this way to be fair. After all he’s the big man going to work and earning the majority of the money.

Sorry OP - your DH sounds awful.

Good grief!!

Not for you to fix.

Your husband (absolutely NOT dear to anyone but himself) has behaved absolutely appallingly!

I wouldn’t tolerate that pile of crap from a 2 year old certainly not a bloody grown ass man!

What would I do?

Frankly I’d probably say

“Quit sulking, grow the fuck up, apologise to your child and me for your pathetic toddler tantrum or fuck off!”

“He is stressed at the moment about his business.” Absolutely no excuse and honestly the more you post the worse he sounds!

“But where is the boundary between an argument and abuse? Surely there’s a difference?”

I would say if it happens more than once barring physical assault/violence - which there has been here!

Throwing things is violence, death threats is violence, refusing to talk for several hours is abuse, trying to ban you talking to him is abuse

I’m willing to bet the rest of the time when he doesn’t explode is because you and the children do your damndest to avoid “upsetting” him and you’re all living on eggshells - that is deeply unhealthy for you all especially the children.

And if you think the dc are unaware you’re deluded.

Not at all surprised to discover you are also financially, practically and socially isolated op. Where are your family? Is this type of family how you grew up too? Would your family help you get out of this mess?

Please get help and support to leave.

DH and I had marriage counselling because we were constantly shouting and arguing. Never ever did either of us threaten to kill the other no matter how angry we were. That's not OK.

You made the kind of snide remark (unintentionally perhaps in your case) I used to make when he was being annoying and he would have snapped at me but never ever given me 7 hours of silent treatment or threatening to kill me if I ever spoke to him again.

Exactly how does he expect your relationship to continue without speaking to each other ever again?