Stupid argument. What now?

[Howmanysleepsnow]

So, went for a day out today. The plan was to go for a walk round a NT place. The woman in the ticket office showed ds some places on the map. I asked DH if we could detour to see them. He said we were meant to be going for a walk. I told DS we’d see them another time as daddy wanted to go for a walk. Maybe not the best way to put it, but I wasn’t trying to place blame and didn’t see it as anything more than a factual answer (so that’s my error). Anyway, it blew up into a huge argument and we went home. DH hasn’t spoken to me really for 7 hours now except to say he hAtes me and never to speak to him again. Being me, I tried to talk (several times, I’m either an eternal optimist and believe it’ll help or never learn from my mistakes depending on whose POV you take) but that ended very badly with DH throwing things (food, nothing heavy) and saying he hates me and will kill me if I speak to him again. (Dc not present).
Where do I go from here? I’ve apologised, but it made things worse. I don’t have the best communication skills admittedly. Is there any way forward? How do I fix this? It all seems so stupid, can’t believe it’s blown up into this.

Any suggestions other than leaving? Please?

But where is the boundary between an argument and abuse? Surely there’s a difference?

Where do I go from here
The police and women's aid. That sort of threat isn't normal.

You can't fix this.
It's not your responsibility.
It's not stress.
It can end up very badly.

Does children "not present" mean they were at another location out of earshot of their dad throwing stuff around and threatening to kill their mum? Or just in different rooms listening in terror?

Either way, do you want them to think this is normal - to treat others this way or accept being treated this way?

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

That was not an argument.

Come on, you know this isn't right. Stress doesn't make you want to kill people you supposedly love and care for. And if for whatever reason you do say something like that in anger, you feel hugely remorseful afterwards and wouldn't allow the person you've abused to apologise. I know it's hard (from experience) but you need to leave this relationship.

I think tonight at least one of you needs to be out of the house; longer term, lots of counselling.
Mint for now, and I don’t say this lightly, you may not be safe.

Police would remove him for these threats; it is not normal.

*but for now

No. He's abusing you. You can't fix it I'm afraid. This is who he is. The only thing you can do if you stay is further modify your own behaviour to keep him happy so he doesn't say such hideous things to you in future.

I think the only thing to say to this is “get the fuck out of this house you arrogant arsehole”.

I suppose he’s also threatening his business associates to kill them huh. Because obviously if it’s okay to speak to you like that then it’s okay to speak to others the same. If not why not. What makes him think you should accept to be his punchbag. Leave him to sulk. If you can’t leave him right now then leave him alone. Practise silent treatment with him. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Why should you give him any more mental energy to suck the life out of you. Ignore him completely.

You can't fix this. We can't give you any magic suggestions that will fix it.

It is not what arguments look like.

No child should have to live in a home where this happens EVER.

WTAF?

Surely there’s a difference?

Threatening to kill someone is the difference.

I run a business; I’m insanely stressed right now and can barely sleep. I’m not taking it out on DP. It’s no excuse.

He threatened to kill you. He told you he hated you. It doesn’t really matter if you want to save this - he’d have to, too, and he clearly doesn’t. You cannot love someone and have entertained the thought of threatening to kill them; let alone actually verbalised it.

what makes you think that you dont have the best communication skills?

And why on earth did he say no to his DS is he always that rigid

The problem is OP is HE is the problem so all of the solutions would need to come from him. You cant fix that.

You can only decide what you are willing to accept from a relationship

You are living in fear of upsetting him in case he kicks off, his reaction is not proportionate, it's abusive.

Don't try to kick him out by yourself. It's dangerous.

You either call the police to remove him or get friends or family to be there while you leave with the children.
In any case, make a formal complaint to the police.

My DH can be like this OP. More than once a year and usually because he is stressed about something. I’m not saying PPs are wrong but I know it’s not easy to just up and leave.

If it helps you get through the day / night. You have done nothing wrong and he knows this.

What does he usually do after an episode like this? Come downstairs in the morning and act like nothing happened??

I want to fix this

It’s not ‘this’, it’s ‘him’. 1) you shouldn’t need to and 2) you can’t anyway. PP up thread is right that police would remove him from this. Don’t let your kids grow up with this behaviour role modelled. They will be more perceptive than you realise. God, I’m angry for you.

Sigh....

Another thread of a woman who supports her high earning husband and makes career sacrifices to be the super wife and mum.

Husband is stressed. Husband works hard. Husband moans about money.

Any of that sound familiar? It is a VERY familiar story on MN sadly.

I would not tolerate my “husband” throwing things at me or telling me he hates me. No way no day.

What can you do? Ask him to leave and reflect on his behaviour.

He threatened to kill you? I missed that I read it as him threatening to kill himself.

Are you safe?

Call the police.

Howmanysleepsnow Sun 08-Mar-20 19:21:55
But where is the boundary between an argument and abuse? Surely there’s a difference?
........
Yes there is but most people make up fairly quickly after an argument, they feel rotten about it.

Your husband threw things about, shouted extremely vile things and wouldn't talk to you for hours. That is abuse, what's more it's very childish.

He doesn't deserve somebody reasonable like you. Does he do that sort of thing often?

Your dh is abusive. I have two children out of three with special needs. The youngest at 8 has severely complex needs. I work and also feel very very stressed. But I would never talk to my dh the way yours has talked to you. I don’t say this lightly but I would leave.

I also want to know why you apologised when you'd done nothing wrong. If you placate him he'll do it again, he has the upper hand. It's not a healthy relationship, Howmany.

@BunnytheBee yes, that’s it exactly.
And I can’t just go somewhere for the night. 4dc, no money to spare, no friends.
And tomorrow he will probably have calmed down and carry on as normal.