Friction with sister in law please help 😔

[Anxiousmummy123]

Hi all

I really need to let this out somewhere to someone and I guess get some views on my situation.

I was really really close with my brother and his wife. Me my husband and them did everything together. We were so close I couldn't imagine our lives without them.... fast forward 4 years.

I got pregnant with my first daughter and at first everything was great. They were so excited for us and still met up all the time. A few months after my daughter was born we begun to see them less and she became less and less friendly. Tbh it broke my heart and I felt so lonely without them. All I wanted was to be a family and my daughter know them. We asked them to be God parents and they accepted. Shortly after I found out she was desperate for a child but my brother wasn't ready and she was jealous and couldn't and didn't want to spend time with us anymore.

Eventually my brother agreed and they started trying only to find they have infertility issues. My heart is broken for them. I can't imagine how they feel but I'm getting more and more frustrated.

My daughter is now 3 and a half and they do not know her at all and she doesn't know them. My sil acts completely indifferent to her. She never hugs her or tries to pick her up or interact with her. I don't have a big or close family. Apart from my mum I have no other family. My husbands family are not interested either. I just want my little girl to be loved. It makes me feel so sad when I see all my friends with their uncles and aunties and extended families all so happy.

Recently things have got worse for them and my sil has started really acting out. She had an argument with my brother on a family watsapp chat and left. She has snapped at my mum, not attended family events and made events all about her. I held a soft play party for my daughters birthday and invited her little friends. We didn't invite extended family because the venue was small and I know how awkward it is to go to things like that. We had arranged a separate family party for my husbands and my family. My brother phoned me on my daughters birthday and made me cry saying his wife was crying as I'd excluded them because they dont have a baby. I was so upset. The party was meant to be for my daughter and I didn't enjoy it because I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd upset her.. The next year I invited them and they didn't attend. I am getting fed up with it all. I feel like she acts like a child. She made my 70 year old mum cry on a family outing becuse without thinking my mum pointed out a new born baby and said oh look how lovely. My sil shouted at my mum she doesnt have a baby and stormed off crying.

I'm running out of compassion, kindness and empathy. I'm not sure if I am wrong, if I could be friends with them like we once was and even if I'd want to.

I recently experienced pregnancy loss with my second. I was devastated but didn't even tell them because I knew they would be hurt. I felt so alone.

Anyone have advice? I feel so alone family wise. They just aren't interested. As much as everyone says its their loss it isn't. Its mine and my little girls 😔 x

She's depressed and needs help Xxx

@CheekyMango she wont talk to me anymore. I know she must feel like she is going through the war. She completely cut me out before they started trying. I used to see her at least once a week. She told me she didnt want to be around me and only wants to be with her family.

I don't even know how to help her at this point.

She has truly up to now had an amazing life with little obstacles. I know she is struggling and isnt resilient and doesn't know how to handle this all.

But I feel like we all have feelings and difficult obstacles too.

I feel at a loss of how to even help when she wont see or talk to me. Believe me I have tried over and over x

With kindness, you sound a little bit dramatic!

You just want your daughter to be loved? Well, she is loved.

You’ve had a pregnancy loss and so you know it’s upsetting. Now imagine loss after loss. Imagine thinking it will never happen. Imagine not having your little girl.

I know it’s hard. I know she’s acting out. But you seem concerned with your feelings, your mum being upset, your little girl not getting enough hugs. ()

This woman wants a child and might never, ever be a mum.

If you’re running out of patience you need to just leave her alone. Seriously.

You’ve said she’s avoiding events, then you’ve said she’s making events about her??

Just let her keep her distance and maybe try to think outside of yourself.

As much as everyone says its their loss it isn't. Its mine and my little girls you are very self absorbed a truly lack empathy. I think I would distance myself from you if I were your SIL.

I’m going to try be gentle - you have no idea what she is going through. You have a child she does not. I’m sorry that you had a miscarriage and for the pain you went through but it’s not the same.
You can’t force her to interact with your child and trying to do that when she is struggling is cruel. I’d just leave her to herself and be there if she needs it.
Your post was all about you with little thought about how she must he feeling. Saying she’s had an amazing life with little obstacles and that you all have feelings and obstacles is quite heartless. Her infertility is not on the same level as her ‘ignoring’ your child.

As someone who has had fertility issues the utter heart break is horrific when everyone around is seemingly having children and it's all you want. It's all consuming and it's difficult to control. The day I was going to tell my best friend I was about to start ivf she told me she was pregnant (having never wanted children previously). It was one of the hardest days I've ever had! I didn't tell her about my ivf and tried to stick an excited smile on my face all day and I can't tell u how hard it was! When I did eventually tell her she felt awful, but I didn't want to ruin her joy.

Be empathetic. She is breaking inside. Hopefully one day it will happen for her.

Rudeness is never acceptable and it is horrible for everyone. Just be patient and understanding. U have everything she wants

@Anxiousmummy123 send her a letter? But get family to proof read it first, set out at the end or start maybe start actually...if she doesn't want to meet half way to resolving the relationship your going to leave her to it, obviously written in the nicest way possible? She needs medical help for the depression.

Thanks all. I guess i just needed some perspective. I won't try to contact her again. I will continue to allow her to be hurtful and just be there for her.

I didn't think we would get our little girl. I know how lucky we are.

Thanks for responses

I will continue to allow her to be hurtful and just be there for her.

That is so passive aggressive! I hope you’re not like that with her.

I will continue to allow her to be hurtful and just be there for her

You really see yourself as a victim, don't you?

I'm sorry I'm going to get flamed for this but as truly painful and unfair everythink must feel for your sil it doesn't give her or your brother the right to act like twats! Absolutely disgusting making an elderly lady cry, I'd not bother with them because I can guess nothing you do or say will be right in their eyes.

She cried because she was shockingly insensitive and got called out on it.

OP has a PFB that the whole world needs to revolve around and that skewing everything, IMO.

SIL came to stuff and ruined it. Didn’t come to stuff and ruined it...

Come on!

Your poor sister-in-law.

Genuinely came here for advice. I didn't expect to have people analysing the specific words and phrases i have used. Literally its not coming across the way you all are reading it! This is a tiny snippet its not the whole story.

I promise I am empathetic. I have cried over and over for them. I have told them I am there for whatever they need. Everytime they shut me out. I don't know if I should keep trying stop trying or what to do anymore.

I don't know how to deal with it anymore and I'm asking for advice.

I am writing this post from my perspective. I have said I can't understand how they feel and the heartache of it.

I just wanted some advice from my perspective. So that is why I have come here. I'm not writing from their perspective because this is advice for me and how to best handle the situation. Plesse stop calling me names.

I'm not even expecting her to put aside how she feels and pretend to love my little girl. I'm just explaining from my perspective how it also feels. How my daughter feels from her perspective.

I want my brother back. I want so so so so much for it to happen for them.

I am not a bad person. She is lashing out and I'm not sure how to handle it or what to do anymore.

I'm also allowed to be sad about losing my family.

Every-time you get upset with her give your little girl a glance or a cuddle. Then remember she may never get that.
She doesn't have a right to upset other people by acting horribly to them but you should NOT be running out of patience or empathy for her.

I think you need the reset your expectations as the relationship is now different with your brother and sil. It's probably a very painful reminder everytime they see your child. I've had a friend who've dropped me completely because they couldn't have children but I don't make a fuss and let them be. Continue inviting them to key events and family gatherings but just be civil and nice to them. Just let it go but definitely bring this down a few notches and get on with your lives.

@Anxiousmummy123 I hear you, ignore the twats on here thinking being infertile give you the right to be rude. It's hard yes, but you don't take it out on people.

But you haven’t lost your family!

They’re just thinking of themselves which they’re allowed to do.

You aren’t writing from your little girl’s perspective. She’s 3. She hasn’t got one.

Stop seeing her as a victim. You’ll only keep feeling hurt then. They don’t have to want to be around her. It doesn’t mean they don’t love her but you have no idea how hard it is for them!

Distancing yourself from people you love because that's the option that hurts the least is painful in itself. They aren't doing it because of YOU but because being around u is a constant reminder and hurts more.

No they should never be rude. But remember, if they aren't the sort of people who would normally be rude, think about what they must be going through to make that side of them appear.

It's sad you LG won't have the Aunty and uncle you hoped. But it's not your decision. Maybe one day that will change.

Personally being the "favourite" Aunty and uncle is how I coped. And my brothers and sis in laws saw that and totally allowed me to get away with it! Now I finally have my LG and they are giving back. I so hope the situation changes in time for all your family.

I think you're getting some harsh responses on here op. Your sister in law is going through a private hell and mourning. Naturally she is going to feel envious and robbed of her own motherhood when she sees yours. But that doesn't make it OK to punish you for having a child. It's a little undignified and selfish. You can't stop living your life to spare other people's feelings. You can't live pusdy footing around other people and their fragile mental states (justified or not) be yourself. Be kind. Treat her normally as you always would have. Try not to be offended or confrontational if she declines birthday invites or kids events but do keep inviting her. If she reacts badly try to swallow it bit understand it is her emotion to deal with not yours. Try not to change your behaviour to match hers. Just keep being kind patient and friendly but do have boundaries if she verbally attacks you or your mother. It's not an appropriate way to interact with people. I hope she finds some hope and peace

@OhCaptain I can't help but feel they don't love her. I do appreciate what you are saying though.

I didn't say in my original post but my Dad died when I was 19. My Mum is in her 70's I have no Uncles are Aunties. My brother and my Mum is my only family. We saw my husbands family once last year because his Dad is an alcoholic. I didn't write all of that in my original post and I was trying to avoid the sympathy vote.

I'm finding it harder and harder because we was so close and now we aren't.

They have their struggles that I will never understand.

I guess the answer is to stop reaching out and try and accept things as they are.

I don't contact them anymore but then I feel like a bad person.

I feel so sad for them. This is just snippets examples of the kinds of things that have happened. I find myself getting more annoyed. I mean annoyed at times when I feel her actions have hurt others. I don't mean about her not giving my daughter a cuddle.

I'm with the OP. As awful as it is to not have a baby when you desperately want one, it doesn't mean you can go through life treating your family like shit. It was awful of her brother to phone on his neice's birthday and upset the OP over not being invited to a kids soft play party. And then to not even turn up the next year.
OP has lost her brother and her best friend. She's allowed to feel sad about that.

If they don’t love her then that’s really sad of course. But there’s not a thing you can do about it!

I do understand the urge to just want to MAKE things be better. I really do. But you just can’t force them to be who you want or act how you want.

I really do think you need to take a massive step back.

You have your mum, your DH, and your beautiful girl. Try to focus on that for a while. Give them space and a chance to work through their stuff.

Wow, lots of crying going on!

You do sound a bit self-involved in your OP, it's all about what YOU want and how it affects you and your family. Do you have any friends outside of your SIL/DB? It's not normal to be so reliant on one person for so much. You want them to be your close family, friends, confidance ... that's a lot to ask!

This woman is going through hell right now - the longer this drags on the MORE compassion she needs, not less! So the fact that you're running out of patience is pretty damning. Do you expect her to get over it after 6/12/24 months? You want her to put aside her hurt feelings and the pain she is in to pander to your wants and expectations?

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I am experiencing fertility issues myself and you sound an awful lot like my SIL. If it wasn't for the fact that I have not told her about our struggles I would suspect you were the same person. At first it was upsetting to be around children and pregnant women but the longer it went on and as the years dragged by, the worst it felt. It's all-consuming, inescapable and twists you up. And my SIL is on her FOURTH bloody baby (and 6th pregnancy) since we started TTC! And goodness gracious me, does she go on about close family and how GLAD she had all her darlings so close in age when she was young, blah blah blaaahhhhhh...

Anyway, apologies for the digression.

I think going forward, put all communications through your brother. He should know how to handle her. You can still have a relationship, you just need to back off.

Could you try and see SIL without your daughter at least to rebuild the relationship? I am in a different position but can relate to SIL’s grief at not having a child when all of my friends do. The friends I am closest to make an effort to meet without children (we also meet with children occasionally).