Friction with sister in law please help 😔

[Anxiousmummy123]

Hi all

I really need to let this out somewhere to someone and I guess get some views on my situation.

I was really really close with my brother and his wife. Me my husband and them did everything together. We were so close I couldn't imagine our lives without them.... fast forward 4 years.

I got pregnant with my first daughter and at first everything was great. They were so excited for us and still met up all the time. A few months after my daughter was born we begun to see them less and she became less and less friendly. Tbh it broke my heart and I felt so lonely without them. All I wanted was to be a family and my daughter know them. We asked them to be God parents and they accepted. Shortly after I found out she was desperate for a child but my brother wasn't ready and she was jealous and couldn't and didn't want to spend time with us anymore.

Eventually my brother agreed and they started trying only to find they have infertility issues. My heart is broken for them. I can't imagine how they feel but I'm getting more and more frustrated.

My daughter is now 3 and a half and they do not know her at all and she doesn't know them. My sil acts completely indifferent to her. She never hugs her or tries to pick her up or interact with her. I don't have a big or close family. Apart from my mum I have no other family. My husbands family are not interested either. I just want my little girl to be loved. It makes me feel so sad when I see all my friends with their uncles and aunties and extended families all so happy.

Recently things have got worse for them and my sil has started really acting out. She had an argument with my brother on a family watsapp chat and left. She has snapped at my mum, not attended family events and made events all about her. I held a soft play party for my daughters birthday and invited her little friends. We didn't invite extended family because the venue was small and I know how awkward it is to go to things like that. We had arranged a separate family party for my husbands and my family. My brother phoned me on my daughters birthday and made me cry saying his wife was crying as I'd excluded them because they dont have a baby. I was so upset. The party was meant to be for my daughter and I didn't enjoy it because I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd upset her.. The next year I invited them and they didn't attend. I am getting fed up with it all. I feel like she acts like a child. She made my 70 year old mum cry on a family outing becuse without thinking my mum pointed out a new born baby and said oh look how lovely. My sil shouted at my mum she doesnt have a baby and stormed off crying.

I'm running out of compassion, kindness and empathy. I'm not sure if I am wrong, if I could be friends with them like we once was and even if I'd want to.

I recently experienced pregnancy loss with my second. I was devastated but didn't even tell them because I knew they would be hurt. I felt so alone.

Anyone have advice? I feel so alone family wise. They just aren't interested. As much as everyone says its their loss it isn't. Its mine and my little girls 😔 x

OP again ignore the twats like "Wee-wee"...you're allowed feelings to!!!

OP again ignore the twats like "Wee-wee"

I don’t understand this.

Why do the replies even have to refer to anyone as twats?

Surely this is the problem. Why can’t it just be about challenging views and encouraging thought about others’ views

You don't make an elderly widow cry (and on her birthday of all days), just because she wasn't thinking and pointed out a baby.
Lots of people have awful, tragic things happen to them. But they don't go through life stamping all over other people's feelings.

You need to let it go for their sake and your daughters. You cannot force a relationship or closeness or love. I have a niece and nephew I have never met and never will. My choice. My kids in return don't know them. Doesn't make me bad but I have my reasons. Leave the door open but don't talk about being heartbroken for them, the lack of love for your child (she has you and that's enough) to them. Personally I would back off for a while and give them space , there may be other issues that you know nothing off, and sometimes people drift apart.

I do understand what it’s like when you feel let down by family. My twins have very little family besides us - one grandparent, two aunts and an uncle. Only my sister makes any effort at all, and she lives a few hours away and has a tough job so we don’t see her as much as we’d like. We visit her when we can but it’s tricky. MIL, my brother and DH’s sister aren’t interested. Both of our twins have disabilities and having no support makes it so hard at times. It breaks my heart seeing grandparents with their grandkids out and about because I know my mum would have been wonderful with them. It makes me sad that there are so few people in their lives who care about them, but we try to make up for it.

None of them however have the issues your SIL is facing. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to have children and that’s brutal. When my closest friend had a baby at that point I‘ found it so hard, but I made sure she didn’t know. Your SIL is obviously really suffering and although it’s not an excuse for treating people poorly, it is the reason it’s happening and I can understand it.

Ignore the nasty responses on here. You don't sound self absorbed at all. The SIL sounds bitter and jealous. Why did she agree to be a godparent in the first place?

This is so sad, Anxious.

I don't think there is anything you can do to remedy the situation at the moment, they know where you are and your sister in law may come round eventually. Infertility is such a hard thing to come to terms with but she may do so in time or she may actually have a baby - how wonderful would that be. Unfortunately life doesn't always work out the way we hope though.

Missing your brother must be really hard for you. He's probably fed up with things too. I do wonder if their marriage will last but that's just speculation.

I'm sure you have other friends, try to enjoy your life as much as you can, just be there for brother and sister in law if they want you.

The reason I can sympathise with your SIL a bit is I’m wondering how supportive your family have been to her. Maybe she needs to distance herself.

My situation is different but I have had a touch couple of years and my DH family have on the whole been v little support. I lost my only child as a baby and, apart from come the funeral well over a year ago, I haven’t heard from some of them AT ALL. They live in another county and I’ve seen them DH and I have visited them. 2 members of the family have visited us since the funeral. Some of them sent cards on our DC birthday. Two of DH siblings didn’t. Weeks after we lost DC my MIL was sitting with DH and going through all the GC birthdays with him. I found it heartbreaking listening to her list all the living GC in the circumstances and was livid. I didn’t say anything but I don’t think I would have been wrong if I did. I also feel I’m close to saying something about just how shit they’ve all been. And if I did maybe one of them would be posting on MN about how I’m a bitch because my DC died. My situation isn’t the same (though I can sympathise becauee I don’t know if I’ll ever have another DC) and I’m just saying there are two sides to every story and maybe people haven’t been fair to her.

What I mean to say is two of his siblings just haven’t been in touch at all since the funeral. I haven’t had a call or a text or a card or a visit. So now I’m not bothering. But maybe from their side I’m the bitter SIL who lost her child and has cut herself off.

None of us know the whole situation but it’s just something to consider. There might be other reasons why she and your DB are not around as much but the infertility must be tough.

Thanks so much all. Perhaps I needed a reminder from an outside perspective as to how they feel. Its hard when you are shut out as you only see your own view because you are not let in to see theirs.

Thank you for those that didn't make me feel bad for having my own feelings and emotions too.

Will take this all on board continue to give them distance and not put myself in a position for my feelings to be hurt. From reading some of the negative comments I feel that will be the only course of action. I won't expect anything from them. I really wouldn't want to be coming across as selfish or insensitive.

Ill reach out to my brother and try just to meet him.

My DD has us. I will give her an extra big squeeze tomorrow.

Thanks all ❤. I won't be returning to this thread.

This is fairly typical of MN overall. Once men are married it’s totally fine to cut ties with their family because only the wife should ever matter. Mums sisters are just excess trash and have no right to any relationship with him.
This is the OP’s brother. I’ve ‘known’ my brother for 40 years. 40. We shared a whole life together. If he stopped seeing me and ignored my children I would be bloody hurt and angry and right to be.

Honestly. It’s just another excuse to pile in on an OP who is expressing her feelings which she is entitled to.

Suffering due to infertility doesn’t mean you get to treat people like shit.

My last post @ReeRi2020 I'm so so deeply sorry to read this.

I can't imagine how that feels. You must feel so alone at a time when you need them most. It must be so hard. Sending you love.

There is two sides you're right but as I said many times this was just my side. How I see it to try and think through a different way to feel or a different way to act. My perspective because I have been shut put of theirs. I just wanted a safe place to vent as its not fair to do it to my friends or my mum.

Anyway I won't come back to this thread. Sending you all the best xx

This is all about hurt feelings, pain and loss.

Your SIL is in great pain about her infertility. Seeing your little girl is a reminder of what she might never have. Her behaviour hasn't always been rational or even fair, but she is hurting.

You are also experiencing hurt, pain and loss. You feel hurt that they've treated you unfairly, such as blaming you for not inviting them to the birthday party. You miss having them in your life. It struck me when you mentioned that your dad died when you were young, that maybe this feels a bit like losing your brother, another loss. Your OP mentions feeling lonely and alone quite a lot.

I don't know what you can do, except to say to them that you're sorry if you've ever said or done anything to hurt them, and that you will always be there for them. Keep inviting them to events, and keep communicating with your brother.

All the best to you OP. I’m sorry if I was harsh too. Clearly people generally empathise with one side or the other x

I'm with the OP. As awful as it is to not have a baby when you desperately want one, it doesn't mean you can go through life treating your family like shit.

I agree OP. You were very close to your brother and SIL before they discovered they'd have trouble conceiving, then you were treated like shit for the crime of not being infertile. This has impacted on your little girl obviously, and also on you, to the ludicrous extent that you can't even mention the pain of your own miscarriage!

I agree with the poster above who said you need to put them behind you. I don't doubt you SIL's grief, I just don't agree she's got the right to weaponise it. I'd cut all contact if I were you, and when your DB eventually wants to know why, which he will, I would bloody well tell him.

We all lose in life one way or another doesn't entitle people to be rude twats though does it. If I were you OP I would just leave them to it and get on with enjoying the lovely little family you have. Don't let them take away your joy. You will never get these precious years back - enjoy them now.

@ReeRi2020 only twats empathise with one view...

@CheekyMango I don’t know what you’re talking about! What is all this “twat” business?? It’s as if people don’t know how to express themselves any more without insults. So weird.

Assuming you just didn’t understand my point. I meant people may identify with with one position more eg someone who has experienced infertility might understand who OP’s SIL might be feeling and therefore appeal to OP to be more sensitive. Someone who has experienced what OP has with a family member might take the view SIL is being unreasonable. There should be empathy of both parties (in most situations) but it is clear most people are on one side or the other!

You supported one side @CheekyMango

That's where you're wrong again only twats consider or support one side...

Jeez. Get a grip. OP has gone. I’m unfollowing this thread too now. No more time for stupid people on the internet who resort to name calling 👋

@Anxiousmummy123 first of all ignore all those who have commented and said you are being dramatic or insensitive! You're 100% not. Yes she is going through fertility issues but that gives her no excuse to treat others unkindly! Its sad that we live in a world where people think just because someone is having fertility issues no one EVER is allowed to have a problem with them! Sorry thats not fair. Everyone has a battle and no battle should be compared ever, its a battle nonetheless and everyone has their own battle. So yes you are allowed to be hurt. It sounds like you have definitely tried and theres only so much you can try. It sounds like your sister in law cant get over the jealousy and its eating her up inside. I think just leave her to it and one day she may come round (I highly doubt this). Jealousy is a toxic feeling and hard to shift. And really i think you need to aak yourself the question do you really want her in your childs life if she cant be happy for you or even show your child love (after all shes innocent in all this)?