Friction with sister in law please help 😔

[Anxiousmummy123]

Hi all

I really need to let this out somewhere to someone and I guess get some views on my situation.

I was really really close with my brother and his wife. Me my husband and them did everything together. We were so close I couldn't imagine our lives without them.... fast forward 4 years.

I got pregnant with my first daughter and at first everything was great. They were so excited for us and still met up all the time. A few months after my daughter was born we begun to see them less and she became less and less friendly. Tbh it broke my heart and I felt so lonely without them. All I wanted was to be a family and my daughter know them. We asked them to be God parents and they accepted. Shortly after I found out she was desperate for a child but my brother wasn't ready and she was jealous and couldn't and didn't want to spend time with us anymore.

Eventually my brother agreed and they started trying only to find they have infertility issues. My heart is broken for them. I can't imagine how they feel but I'm getting more and more frustrated.

My daughter is now 3 and a half and they do not know her at all and she doesn't know them. My sil acts completely indifferent to her. She never hugs her or tries to pick her up or interact with her. I don't have a big or close family. Apart from my mum I have no other family. My husbands family are not interested either. I just want my little girl to be loved. It makes me feel so sad when I see all my friends with their uncles and aunties and extended families all so happy.

Recently things have got worse for them and my sil has started really acting out. She had an argument with my brother on a family watsapp chat and left. She has snapped at my mum, not attended family events and made events all about her. I held a soft play party for my daughters birthday and invited her little friends. We didn't invite extended family because the venue was small and I know how awkward it is to go to things like that. We had arranged a separate family party for my husbands and my family. My brother phoned me on my daughters birthday and made me cry saying his wife was crying as I'd excluded them because they dont have a baby. I was so upset. The party was meant to be for my daughter and I didn't enjoy it because I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd upset her.. The next year I invited them and they didn't attend. I am getting fed up with it all. I feel like she acts like a child. She made my 70 year old mum cry on a family outing becuse without thinking my mum pointed out a new born baby and said oh look how lovely. My sil shouted at my mum she doesnt have a baby and stormed off crying.

I'm running out of compassion, kindness and empathy. I'm not sure if I am wrong, if I could be friends with them like we once was and even if I'd want to.

I recently experienced pregnancy loss with my second. I was devastated but didn't even tell them because I knew they would be hurt. I felt so alone.

Anyone have advice? I feel so alone family wise. They just aren't interested. As much as everyone says its their loss it isn't. Its mine and my little girls 😔 x

She isn't well mentally. You need to turn up at their house with a hottie of wine and tell her how much you miss her.
Go without your child.
Build up your relationship again without your child at first and build it slowly
She obviously finds it incredibly difficult.

I would hate someone to show up at my house when feeling like that!

Please don’t do that to her, OP.

@lilshit im so sorry for you and what you are going through.

Please read my other posts. This post is from my perspective. Im asking for advice and giving information of why im asking for that and how to best handle this situation

I'm mentioning about being so close so you all understand why I would struggle with this.

I'm sorry for your struggles.

@robs20 I'm so sorry to hear that.

I have also tried that... but she isn't uninterested WHICH IS FINE BEFORE ANYONE WANTS TO READ MORE INTO THAT COMMENT THAN ITS INTENDED.

I literally never have childcare either. Which again is fine as I know how fortunate I am to be in that position.

@ohcaptain it was a lovely suggestion but no I know that wouldn't be right for them x

You are being massively dramatic and making it all about you. My kids don't have anyone in their live ms except me and my husband because both sides of our family don't really give a shit about them. I don't think of them being any less loved or desperate for hugs because they have us as their parents.

Your sil is going through an awful time, it is gut wrenching to experience infertility, took me 3 & 4 years to conceive my two and I still think how lucky I am every day. Those years were shit and I didn't want to to see anyone who had children/babies because it was a constant reminder of what I didn't have and how my stupid body wasn't doing what it was designed to do. Have some empathy and stop making it all about you.

@Wilberforce1 please stop focusing on one line of the whole story. Its not about my daughter having a "hug".

I have come here for advice. This post is about me because its about me! This is my perspective. I could write from their perspective but that wouldn't help me.

The examples I have given are just a brief outline.

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm really pleased you got your happy ending. I hope they get theirs.

There are 2 fundamental issues.

1. she does not have a baby, and doesn’t know whether she ever will

2. you do have a child, and it eats her up

You cannot do anything about either, other than try not to ask too much of her. Send her cards reminding them you care, invite them to things without pressure and if SIL is snipey remember that her heart is breaking. Keep the door open. Try to see her without your daughter and if she agrees talk about something other than children.

I think they do love your daughter, but their own pain is overwhelming, so be compassionate.

X

You do sound a bit self involved and, whilst people are saying SIL infertility doesn’t give her the right to be “a twat”, I doubt that she is. Given the way you’ve worded some parts of your posts I suspect you haven’t exactly presented what’s happened in an objective way.

People can be insensitive. You have proven that by some of your awful comments. It isn’t always about jealousy either. Maybe just seeing your DD is a reminder of what she doesn’t have

Well I mean a reminder of what she’s dealing with. I suspect her desire for a child is on her mind a lot. This isn’t about you. You have other family and friends you can spend time with.

Bloody hell, some of the replies!!

OP, i’ve been in a similar boat to your SIL. It’s hell, gut wrenching, heartbreaking... it’s everything you can imagine. It also leaves a dent in your mental health, no doubt about it. I can truly empathise with your SIL and my God do I feel for her, but it DOESN’T give her the excuse to cut family off and treat them like shit. You are the very people who will (or should) love and support her, and it’s rather unfair on your brother.

All I can suggest is try and communicate with her. She needs to hear you love her and care and that you want her in your life.

I can imagine this is very difficult for you and I do feel for you too.

It's hard to accept the loss OP but you're better off without her and by extension your brother in your life. It seems like she sees children as a thing an object to possess. She is missing out the opportunity to have a loving relationship with you and your daughter because she can't have the "thing" you have. If she ever does have a baby would you then not feel such crushing resentment if suddenly she wanted to play happy families? You're brother is also a twat. He could have come on his own to form a relationship with your daughte but he hasn't. It's hard OP but it's time to put them behind you.

Are you me, OP? I have been dropped by a set of in-laws in similar circumstances!

MN is not the place to come for advice on this subject, every thread goes the same way unfortunately. I appreciate what you are going through. My DD misses out on seeing that part of her family because of this, they don't come and see us at all. We miss them too.

Your SIL is having a hard time clearly. There could even be things going on that you don’t know about which are making it worse. Have you offered to meet up and chat with her without your DD?

I feel for you and also your SIL. Going through infertility can feel like hell on earth, all consuming, and lovely though I’m sure your DD is, every time your SIL sees her it will be another reminder of what she desperately wants but cannot have.

If possible OP I’d focus on trying to expand your social circle with more friends, ideally those with children too so can act as company for DD as well as for you.

Hopefully one day the situation with SIL will be resolved and improve, but if you have more support in your life from good friends it will be easier to bear in the meantime.

@ReeRi2020 I have and she declines everytime. WHICH IS FINE.

I just miss them. Maybe I'm wrong to miss them?

I have accepted me and her no longer have a relationship but I miss my brother so much.

So so much it hurts. Im sorry if anyone is offended by that. Im sure I will get called selfish. But I miss him and I love him and it makes me sad.

I have fertility problems, have tried treatment and am starting to accept that I may never be a mum.
How much that hurts and how hard it is to handle, especially when everyone around me has started (or completed) their families is something I can't describe.

I feel inadequate, I'm full of longing for a baby and anger because I don't have one. I'm so jealous of people who are pregnant and then ashamed of feeling that way.

I have a friend who is similar to you. She's a very nice person but she's so upset and hurt for me that I can't be around her. It's like watching my feelings play out on someone else with the added insult that this isn't about her - she has a child and doesn't actually have any idea how I feel. I can't talk to her because I can't see that sympathetic and slightly patronising look on her face anymore.

I don't mean to sound harsh because you clearly miss them and your SIL isn't handling this very well. But you asked for advice - mine would be to send a message / letter / email explaining that you miss them and leave it at that. DONT be passive aggressive / explain that you're heartbroken for them / try and make her apologise.

@ChicCroissant ❤I don't know why people are attacking me so much. Thank you.

@IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy I'm so sorry to read this. I genuinely am.

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for your advice ❤. I wish the best for you x

@VillageFete thank you ❤ you have been really kind and balanced. @Summergarden thank you too. I have started to try and make more Mum friends. There is no replacing them though. I guess I just need to let them go ❤

I was told I would struggle to have children and that I should have children as soon as possible when i was 20. We started trying but it didn’t happen for us at first. Then my best friend who never wanted children got pregnant accidentally she contemplated an abortion and we sat and talked it through. She went ahead with the pregnancy and that month when I got my period I cried my heart out I was angry and jealous and sad. BUT I never ever let her know and I loved her son so much, I was there for her through it all 15 years later we are still best friends and she doesn’t know how I felt.
I struggled for years to get pregnant and suffered miscarriages and sometimes it was hard to be around pregnant women and new borns but I was happy for my friends.
I don’t know if why you are getting such a raw deal on here having a shitty time doesn't mean you get to wholly selfish and mean. Shouting at someone for noticing a newborn is unnecessary and totally self absorbed. It sounds like Bette communication might help?
For example if you are planning a party explain in advance the reasons for a lack of invite. Maybe talk to your brother probably a tricky conversation but tell him how it feels for you.

This thread is ridiculous in parts! I feel very much for your sil and it is very unfair. But you seemingly can't do right for doing wrong so I'd just forget trying to. Invite them to family things, keep it civil and light, don't pressure her to have a relationship with your daughter and be grateful for the lovely friendship you did have in the past with your her. She has her own struggles.

@Gigipixiz I did actually call him a few weeks before and tell him. I said he is welcome to come and none of my friends have babies but ovb would be very young children. I said its totally ok and just kept it breezy and said let me know if you want to come but it will prob be boring for you WHICH IS FINE.

I still got the call on the day I don't know if he forgot. I used to go to my friends childrens parties before I had my DD. I used to just stand there and feel awkward I just didn't want to make them feel pressured knowing all they were going through.

My Mum is in her 70's she lost my Dad years ago and has no friends. She just talks constantly and it slipped out. She didn't mean harm in it. I was just sharing that as an example. I can understand my SIL would have been hurt but making my Mum cry to me wasn't great. It was also my mums birthday btw.

I think its beautiful you had that with your best friend. I know other peoples children can NEVER replace what your missing but I'm happy for you that you found joy and love there.

You sound like a lovely person. I hope you are ok and thank you for replying xx

Why is your SIL getting all the blame and focus in this? What about your DB who is actually your family?

Shouting at someone for noticing a newborn is unnecessary and totally self absorbed

It probably wasn’t as simple as that. It is a bit insensitive to point out a newborn if SIL is known to be having difficulty conceiving but it was probably a lot of comments. I also wonder how much she “shouted”

The language in OP’s posts suggests it’s not as simple as SIL simply handing her difficulties v badly and being a twat.