Help! I'm in love with a colleague

[Tragux]

started my first proper full time job a few months ago, straight out of university. I work pretty much one on one all day with a colleague who's 6 years older than me and more senior. He manages me unofficially but is not my official line manager if that makes sense.

I spend pretty much all day everyday with him one on one and Im falling seriously in love with him. I can't even look at him without feeling embarrassed and it's distracting me from my work.

I have no idea if he feels the same. He often buys me food without me asking and will message me funny comments or thoughts he's having that are unrelated to work, on the odd day we're not in the same room. He's fantastic, really handsome and clever and sophisticated. I'm single but he has a girlfriend, although he avoids mentioning her whenever possible which is strange. He also often makes jokes about how I'm so young, so maybe he just sees me as a child he's been put in charge of, I don't know

I don't know how to deal with this situation, it's really distracting me from my work and I need to find a way to move on, but it's difficult when I see more of him than anyone else in my life pretty much

He probably has an affair with each new starter.
He is setting you up to be next.

That's really not the impression I get at all

Ah it sounds like you've really fallen for him. Do you socialise together?

If he already has a girlfriend, then I think you need to keep him at arm's length.

He's doing and saying all the right things to reel you in. You are at work for work reasons and if he is distracting you as you say, then that cannot be good for productivity.

We have a lot of work events where the team goes out for dinner or drinks or to play sports so I see him often in a group. Sometimes we go and get a coffee just the two of us or have lunch together during the day. He's never been obviously flirty though, unless you'd consider surprising me with my favourite chocolates sometimes flirty?

Well none of that matters really does it, because he has a girlfriend. Even if he does like you, and something happens, you’re just an easy shag and he’s untrustworthy, so why would you want him anyway?

He often buys me food without me asking

will message me funny comments or thoughts he's having that are unrelated to work, on the odd day we're not in the same room

he has a girlfriend, although he avoids mentioning her whenever possible which is strange.

He also often makes jokes about how I'm so young,

Non of that is typical in professional working relationship.

It definitely sounds as though he likes you, especially if he’s buying you food and sending you silly messages etc. But if he’s already in a relationship he may just see you more as a friend. Has he definitely got a gf? As it seems strange that he never talks about her, which could possibly insinuate he’s in an unhappy relationship or recently broken up? But without knowing him it’s difficult to say.

My male work colleagues don't know what my favourite chocolates are and they certainly wouldn't be buying them for me. It's odd especially coming from a straight male colleague working with you 1:1 who isn't single.

@largeyellow, not even typical amongst colleagues who get on as friends? As I said, this is my first proper job so I really have no idea what's normal and what isn't

It's odd especially coming from a straight male colleague working with you 1:1 who isn't single.

Alongside the young comments it all sounds very grooming.

A new job is intoxicating and can make you susceptible to crushes. Please take a deep breath and remember how shit it would all be if you started something and it went wrong. Be friendly, be polite, but be professional and don't go anywhere just the 2 of you. He's got a girlfriend. The infatuation will pass and you'll be so glad you didn't mess up your job. (Oh and don't ask me how I know this).

There are only two ways it will pan out; you'll fall in love and be together happily forever or you'll shag and maybe date and then be left having to work with eachother or look for a new job.

I work in a predominantly male working environment. One colleague in particular I have worked with for 15 years and would consider a friend. Him buying me chocolates would weird me the fuck out.

Interesting about the grooming comments. I had never thought about it like that, I thought it was all one sided on my front and that I was misinterpreting his acts of friendliness. He's never seemed unprofessional to me and Im too old to be groomed anyway surely? I thought grooming was only possible with children or vulnerable adults? Interesting to hear these perspectives though!

None of it matters love. He's in a relationship. Concentrate on your job!

Oh dear . Put yourself in his girlfriends shoes for a moment . How does it feel from that side ? Because what you do now will be something you will need to live with for a long time.
If you slip into an office romance, karma will probably come back and bite you when you least expect it !
Just save yourself the guilt and hassle and see him for the player he is and move on romance wise ! He's not worth it

I'm single but he has a girlfriend, although he avoids mentioning her whenever possible which is strange

Nah, that's not a new tactic.
He's minimising his relationship so that you will minimise it as well.

Think about that long and hard. It is actually disgraceful behaviour. Would you be happy if your boyfriend did this? ( a hypothetical boyfriend)

Another thing about him buying you food without asking, is he doing it so that it puts you in his debt?

Grooming can happen to anyone at any age.

He's compartmentalising

I don't know if he's intentionally minimising his relationship or if he's just trying to keep his personal life private? Although he mentions what he's doing at the weekend and is open about that.

@xsquared he never asks for anything back in return. I think he just sees it as a nice gesture maybe

I thought grooming was only possible with children or vulnerable adults?

Adults can be groomed. You start by saying who's 6 years older than me and more senior

A previous poster said He's doing and saying all the right things to reel you in

Harvey Weinstein's victims were groomed. They were adult females and he was in a position of power.

This isn't normal. I work with mainly men in a professional job, and no one would do this, even male colleagues I get on extremely well with, have travelled abroad with for work for weeks at a time etc.

What I have seen though in a previous work place, is someone who targeted the new naive female graduates, with the guy in late twenties, early thirties, posing as the slightly older, mature, confident guy. When everyone else could see that this guy was actually pretty desperate, and a bit sad. It reminds me very much of the university club committee guys who would compete to seduce the freshers each year, literally seen as 'fresh meat'.

Plus he has a girlfriend. You do not want to be getting involved with him.

Careful, your colleagues might find it nauseating if you're making doe eyes at him and he's obviously enjoying the attention