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Original poster

Help! I'm in love with a colleague

73 replies

Tragux · 27/02/2020 21:04

started my first proper full time job a few months ago, straight out of university. I work pretty much one on one all day with a colleague who's 6 years older than me and more senior. He manages me unofficially but is not my official line manager if that makes sense.

I spend pretty much all day everyday with him one on one and Im falling seriously in love with him. I can't even look at him without feeling embarrassed and it's distracting me from my work.

I have no idea if he feels the same. He often buys me food without me asking and will message me funny comments or thoughts he's having that are unrelated to work, on the odd day we're not in the same room. He's fantastic, really handsome and clever and sophisticated. I'm single but he has a girlfriend, although he avoids mentioning her whenever possible which is strange. He also often makes jokes about how I'm so young, so maybe he just sees me as a child he's been put in charge of, I don't know

I don't know how to deal with this situation, it's really distracting me from my work and I need to find a way to move on, but it's difficult when I see more of him than anyone else in my life pretty much

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/02/2020 21:53

This is a tale as old as time OP.

He thinks you’re cute and loves the sexual tension between you. He loves the power he has in this dynamic.

He wants to minimise his relationship because he wants you to think exactly what you’re thinking (which is, how strange...maybe he has feelings for me?).

This will drag on and maybe there will be drinks and then sex. But after that he will drop you and you won’t be able to do anything because you’ll feel too uncomfortable - he’s your senior, he is more connected in your workplace, you feel like a fool...

It’s so, so predictable OP. What you have is a bad crush and what he has is all the power here. He’s in a relationship and he holds all the cards at work. You’re new, vulnerable (because new and younger) and you’re single and looking for love.

He’s manipulating you. Just be aware.

xsquared · 27/02/2020 21:54

Would you pay as much attention to him if he treated you like other colleages? Unless he buys food for them too without them asking.

I'm sorry op, but I really do think you just need to step back. He has a girlfriend and even if he is just being friendly, you clearly have feelings for him that is impacting your performance at work.

ElbasAbsentPenis · 27/02/2020 21:57

He is a slime ball. So many of us have been there. Get rid of any romantic notions you have now. You are a piece of meat to him, or an ego boost. You are nothing more to him than a feeling he gets about himself and his power.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

Original poster

Tragux · 27/02/2020 21:59

I really have no intentions of sleeping with him, as much as the primal side of me would like to. I know it's wrong and that he has a girlfriend. I'm not even sure if he is interested in me at all, he really doesn't seem like a manipulative slimeball I don't think.

I really just am looking to let my feelings out and find a way to get over my crush on him!

But my god every time I think of him I get butterflies in my stomach, it really needs to end somehow

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/02/2020 22:12

No man will buy food for you without asking unless you’re:
a) his sick sister
b) pregnant wife
c) infirm mother
or d) impressionable starry-eyed young colleague he wants to have sex with.

Mollie3 · 27/02/2020 22:12

I would suggest the following:

can you work elsewhere or is it paramount that you must work so closely with him?
you are obviously open to romance, so why not try meeting a few single men? Then he would see you are open to love but will not be single forever. If he stays with his girlfriend that tells you a lot really doesn’t it (I.e. he might like you but prefers to be with her, while flirting with you at work 🤔)

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/02/2020 22:13

(And note it’s wants to have sex with, not wants to be with).

Frownette · 27/02/2020 22:15

How far behind with your work are you?

Original poster

Tragux · 27/02/2020 22:27

Is the idea of him wanting to have sex with me purely based off the fact that he buys me chocolate sometimes? I think that's a bit of a reach surely

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 27/02/2020 22:39

As a PP said, there are only two ways this can end. One is that you have a relationship - one of you will have to move on. Who do you think that will be? You can bet your life he's not going to dump his girlfriend and change his job to be with you.

The other is that you have a shag and live to regret it.

Enjoy the crush but get real - this man has someone and the fact he doesn't mention her tells you something that you don't seem to be considering.

GreekOddess · 27/02/2020 22:53

Grooming? They're both adults for fucks sake!

Runbikeswim · 27/02/2020 22:57

You are getting a bit of stick here OP but I think it is because you are being a bit naive. I'm my experience men do those kind of 'thoughtful' things when they are seeing you as a prospect, either sexual or romantic. He is in a relationship so make sure it is definitely over and he is single before you get involved with him if it comes to it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/02/2020 22:58

Oh OP!

cyclingmad · 27/02/2020 23:01

I had a major crush on my friend and what made me get over him (and we are still friends he never knew about my crush) is that one day staying overnight at his place made me realise he isn't the guy for me. Too messy, didn't wash ahands after loo etc. Maybe me realise that previously I didn't notice those things cos I was just caught up in my feelings.

Obviously im not suggesting you spend a night with him haha but I guess my best advice is to try to really step back and really think is this a guy who ticks all your boxes. You almost have ot find something annoying about him or that wou don't like to help you get over your feelings.

Also time apart may help too if thats at all possible.

I also second another posters suggestion about go date other guys too. Even if the dates don't lead onto a second date. It will take your focus off your feelings for him.

cyclingmad · 27/02/2020 23:03

Oh I think what another poster said that if he is 'flirting' with you then how does tha make you really feel, that a guy who has gf is flirting with another girl. Is that the type of guy you would want to be with? If not thats a way to get over your feelings too. Use that

Fiberoptic · 27/02/2020 23:08

Tragux it may seem flattering to you but honestly there is probably been one in each office I’ve worked in.

And the Grooming comment is spot on. He will enjoy his young co worker blushing and fluttering her eyelashes.

It won’t be long till your out on works drinks and he is catching your eye for a second too long ...

I bet he is really funny too!

He has got a girl friend. Poor cow

Fiberoptic · 27/02/2020 23:11

On a serious note - be very very careful this doesn’t slide in to inappropriate behaviour towards you in work. It can be very insidious. It may get to a point where you think you will have caused it but in fact he was laying the foundations for a very long time.

BoudoirPink · 27/02/2020 23:12

I think you’re massively over reading the situation because you are naive and new to the world of work, OP. A male colleague who loves cooking regularly brings me in food he’s made, and I often have coffee or lunch with him or another male colleague without there being the faintest hint of sex. We like one another, but are happily longterm committed elsewhere.

And you only think he ‘avoids mentioning’ his girlfriend because that’s what you like to think. I don’t waltz around at work banging on about my DH — why would I, when none of my colleagues have ever met him? I’m certainly not ‘avoiding mentioning him’ to minimise my marriage, though.

Original poster

Tragux · 27/02/2020 23:23

Maybe I am over reading into it. Like I said, I have no idea whether these are even signs of flirting or just normal friendly colleague behaviour.

By avoid mentioning his girlfriend I mean that in all the conversations we'd had for 5 months, he'd never once mentioned even havint a girlfriend when asked about what he'd done at the weekend. I only found out when he was on the phone one day and someone asked who he was speaking to and he blushed and said quietly 'the girlfriend'. He could just be shy about it, I don't know

OP posts:

ChickLitLover · 27/02/2020 23:29

If this was your boyfriend and he seemed really close to a woman at work, messaged her things not to do with work, bought her food, bought her chocolates and avoided mentioning you to her, would you be ok with that? I wouldn’t be. He’s probably looking for a shag on the side and I bet he’s done it before. You might not be a child but he is taking advantage of his position here and being completely unprofessional. Don’t fuck up your career for this.

Sarcelle · 27/02/2020 23:36

You are one in a line. You are not special, you are fresh meat. Never shit on your doorstep, you will be the loser, not him.

Lillybelle05 · 27/02/2020 23:39

OP, imagine him having diarrhoea or something equally plausible and disgusting. You're infatuated with him, he knows this and manipulates you, you're lying to yourself and it's a risky place to be as you're not thinking straight. You need to re-humanise him and stop godifying him which is what you do right now. Imagining him in a standard human situation will help you put the more-than-friends scenario firmly away.

And on a separate note, yes, grooming happens at any age. It's manipulation for sexual gratification. It's naive to think this only happens to children and young adults. Anyone can be a victim and indeed in case of children, it's usually both the child and the child's family and friends that have been groomed by the perpetrator.

Original poster

Tragux · 27/02/2020 23:46

Some conflicting opinions here but thanks. I know I'm being ridiculous and at age 21 should really be way past the whole teenage crush thing.

Still not convinced he's remotely interested in me at all though. I almost think he maybe sees me as a younger sister or something? When an older colleague added me on Facebook and was sending me messages outside of work hours, this colleague that I like looked concerned and told me to let him know if I ever felt this older guy had stepped over the line. He seems almost protective?

OP posts:

BoudoirPink · 27/02/2020 23:48

But you’ve only worked with him for five months, OP! He may not have been with his girlfriend that long — it might be they’d only started dating recently, hence his flusteredness when you asked who was on the phone.

Lillybelle05 · 27/02/2020 23:50

And do trust your instincts... in all this, you can still just about see the red flags, such as him barely mentioning his partner.
There's a difference between protecting one's privacy in a professional environment and being slimy. His behaviour is the latter. You can see it and don't excuse him, you'll only come to regret this later.

If you really can't work with him, I'd find a new job as soon as I can. But do not become "the other woman", or "just a one off adventure" or whatever might seem tempting for any reason. This isn't an honest man, you're not "the one" for him, the best case scenario is you'd feel rubbish about yourself if you get with him, the worst is he'd do the same to you or you'd be paranoid he might. How you get them is how you lose them, never a truer word spoken.

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