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Original poster

Help! I'm in love with a colleague

73 replies

Tragux · 27/02/2020 21:04

started my first proper full time job a few months ago, straight out of university. I work pretty much one on one all day with a colleague who's 6 years older than me and more senior. He manages me unofficially but is not my official line manager if that makes sense.

I spend pretty much all day everyday with him one on one and Im falling seriously in love with him. I can't even look at him without feeling embarrassed and it's distracting me from my work.

I have no idea if he feels the same. He often buys me food without me asking and will message me funny comments or thoughts he's having that are unrelated to work, on the odd day we're not in the same room. He's fantastic, really handsome and clever and sophisticated. I'm single but he has a girlfriend, although he avoids mentioning her whenever possible which is strange. He also often makes jokes about how I'm so young, so maybe he just sees me as a child he's been put in charge of, I don't know

I don't know how to deal with this situation, it's really distracting me from my work and I need to find a way to move on, but it's difficult when I see more of him than anyone else in my life pretty much

OP posts:

Lillybelle05 · 28/02/2020 00:01

Also you should be voicing your concerns about other employees' behaviour (which you mentioned few posts earlier) to your line manager, not to him. Why is he posing to be your Lord Protector, it has nothing to do with him? Another manipulative tactic. The place must have certain procedures, follow them if needed. It is that simple.

It sounds like you're naive and in a vulnerable place as a result, take a step back and take stock now to sober up whilst you can.

Original poster

Tragux · 28/02/2020 00:17

He originally mentioned to me that he'd been told that some of the other girls at our workplace had been contacted by this guy so that I should be wary and let him know if he was bothering me too. It didn't feel serious enough to escalate to my line manager, mainly because I just didn't reply to this older guy's messages once they started becoming flirty

OP posts:

Kez200 · 28/02/2020 01:30

I buy food for my work colleagues. Maybe buns if Im in town or chocolate. I buy for all in our team of 6. Well, anyone who is in that day.

I dont talk about my relationship much to be honest. Not sure anyone would be interested.

But dont go there. If anything is truly natural and going to work it can be if his relationship ends. Naturally between them. Not with interference.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/02/2020 08:25

He’s a man, they don’t bother with you unless their trying to get your pants off.

You do need to wise up a bit before you make a fool of yourself.

Sarcelle · 28/02/2020 09:08

When I was 21 and at work I had lots of men hanging onto my every word, men of all ages, years older than me in particular. I thought I had an amazing personality, scintillating in fact. As the years have gone by, despite my personality staying the same, men don't hang off my every word anymore. I can't think what happened.....

Mmm, turns out I wasn't as scintillating a personality as I thought. It wasn't my personality they were interested in.

Ughmaybenot · 28/02/2020 09:09

Oh ffs. Can’t decide if you’re honestly this woefully naive or just wilfully ignorant. I think the latter. He’s not shy, he was embarrassed and annoyed because he’s been flirting with you and now you know he has a girlfriend. He isn’t protective, he’s possessive and jealous. He isn’t a ‘nice guy’.

CassidyStone · 28/02/2020 09:22

Nah. He's a manipulative predator and you are one in a long line of conquests.

Arrange to meet up with friends outside of work, socialise with other people, go to bars and clubs, meet men who are single and available.

Don't allow yourself to read more into this colleague's behaviour towards you. He's setting you up for a shag and he's completely aware of your crush. He's not a nice man.

JillAmanda · 28/02/2020 09:30

You’re in grave danger of fucking up your very first job. You’re both being completely unprofessional; him especially but can you honestly say that you’re doing the job to the best of your ability while you’re busy mooning? The guy has a girlfriend. Get a grip.

dellacucina · 28/02/2020 09:35

This behaviour is not normal. He is doing easy things to please you so that you like him. That he keeps commenting on your young age shows an awareness on his part that there is a power imbalance which he should not be testing with this abnormally chummy behaviour. He also is not observing normal relationship boundaries with his gf, which is disrespectful. Run

ShesCurly · 28/02/2020 09:40

Do you really want to fuck up your first job?

Because there are surely two scenarios here and neither end up with you and him having a healthy, above board, nice relationship.

Let's say he is interested in you. That would mean he's flirting with you and doing things for you with romantic intentions while he continues to have a girlfriend. That would make him a dick and would you want to go out with someone who behaved that way? It would also mean he didn't like you enough to make himself available and single.

Let's say he isn't flirting with you but is being innocently being friendly (I don't think this is the case). If that were the case then, for want of a gentler way of putting it... get over it. He isn't the love of your life, you barely know him and it would mean he didn't feel the same way as you.

Concentrate on your work at work and build up your life that exists out of work hours. Do stuff, see mates, date.

You probably won't remember this guys last name in ten years! I would bet good money that in a few months, if you remain professional at work and don't cross boundaries, you'll look back and cringe that you thought you were actually in love with someone you barely know who is either a dick who does want to shag you or a naive bloke who really doesn't.

Emmapeeler1 · 28/02/2020 09:40

OP, would you want a boyfriend who was buying other women chocolates and not even mentioning you exist?

bluebell34567 · 28/02/2020 09:51

i think you need to change the way you view him before it will become a problem where you lose your job.
you seem naive and he maybe grooming you. he has a girl friend dont forget.
and you should have a boundary that at work relations are not permitted and mostly harmful.
grow up and take the hints.

ScribblingMilly · 28/02/2020 09:52

What's important here is your job and your career. Concentrate on those. Don't be a mug with this man. It's just the same old same old.

morrisseysquif · 28/02/2020 09:54

Look, you want us all to say he likes you too and soon a scene worthy of a Mills and Boom fantasy will take place.

He is senior, he has a girlfriend. This is your first job. Don't blow it, suppress your thoughts and get a grip.

BoudoirPink · 28/02/2020 10:00

I honestly don't think there's any evidence in the OP to suggest this man is a predator, unless people vastly over-interpret his buying food for the OP and not talking much about his relationship -- from what the OP says about everyone socialising together out of work as a team and play sports together, it's a friendly, sociable, 'young' workplace vibe.

However, the OP is very young, and her giant crush is taking her mind off her first job, and the guy in question isn't single -- and even if he were, it would be a bad idea to form a workplace relationship for someone at the OP's level of naivety and inexperience, especially with someone who is in her informal line manager. And who is almost certainly not the gorgeous, sophisticated, intelligent being she currently thinks he is.

So I agree absolutely that she should keep her head down, focus on her job and let her crush subside -- but that's regardless of whether the colleague is a sleazebucket who regards new graduates as his personal prey, or, which is equally possible, simply being ordinarily friendly to someone very green.

Alicay · 28/02/2020 10:03

Atrocious is wise. Re-read her message. It’s all you need to know. X

Rainbowqueeen · 28/02/2020 10:16

OP I think you really need to rethink your own boundaries.

Re the older colleague who added you on Facebook - you are complicit in this because you accepted his friend request. A good boundary would be to keep your work and private life separate, certainly as far as older more senior colleagues go. Only accept friend requests from colleagues at your level or none at all

Everyone else has made great points about the colleague you have a crush on. I’d add to that- reframe it. You’re not in love with him. It’s a crush. You will have lots of crushes over your life. Stop thinking about him outside work. Keep busy. Are you having lunch with other colleagues? Try and cultivate friendships with colleagues at the same level as you. At work focus on career building. You will be the loser if people start talking about you two, not him. Think self preservation. Think about how you want to be perceived in your industry.

Valkadin · 28/02/2020 11:13

Don’t become friends with colleagues on FB or any social media. It’s not just about romantic entanglements as well. There is a thread that mentions how a colleague must have reported someone on sick leave due to a tagged post. This woman has no idea who did it is so now she is suspicious of all her colleagues. It’s nit a nice place to be in.

He has deliberately not mentioned his GF especially as you are friendly and have discussed what you have done at the weekends. This is off I feel. Do not mess up your first job over a man.

wizzywig · 28/02/2020 11:23

@Sarcelle hah!!! I remember that happening to me too. Op have a look at the facial expressions of others in the office when you and Mr Stud are together. Are they rolling their eyes/ giving knowing looks? You are his latest plaything. Something to make the workday go quicker. P.s, i dont mention my husband to my one-sided work crush either.

ballsdeep · 28/02/2020 11:27

He has a girlfriend. Get some bloody self respect and stop aiming to be someone's but on the side. He probably does this to all the new starters and thinks you're a but of fun. Either way, he's behaving unprofessionally

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 17:08

He seems almost protective?

I love how you've captured that really irritating intonation?

It's almost perfectly convincing except that 21-year-olds haven't spoken like that for about 15 years?

Frownette · 28/02/2020 17:31

I wouldn't like anyone buying me lunch actually, I'm a fusspot about what I eat

Gaelforce · 28/02/2020 19:24

Grow up. You know it's inappropriate behaviour by him and your 'crush' is the same. It's wrong. There are no grey areas.

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