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Original poster

DM and MIL on hen do???

67 replies

NCtoday27220 · 27/02/2020 16:31

NC for this one. My hen do is a couple months time. I have invited 12 of my close friends.

It's become apparent that both DM and MIL expect to be invited.

I have an ok relationship with both of them in small doses/family scenarios -a bit better with MIL as DM has no off switch and never stops talking, usually to turn any convo around to herself. MIL is sweet but I wouldn't be able to really let me hair down.

Did you invite DM and/or MIL to yours? How did it go? Or did you not invite them and did they strop? I'm leaning heavily towards doing what I personally would prefer which is to not invite them.

OP posts:
gafferareyouthere · 27/02/2020 16:34

Could you have your hen do and arrange a meal hen do for your family?

fedup21 · 27/02/2020 16:34

I wouldn’t have had my MIL for anything! What are you doing for it?

Do a Hen Night afternoon tea around the same time, for the ‘older members’ of the family!

itallworkedoutok · 27/02/2020 16:34

I'm read a similar post on a wedding fb page recently and the best suggestion was having hen do without them but doing afternoon tea with both of them as a mini hen do x

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crustycrab · 27/02/2020 16:34

Go for a meal with them instead

QueenofallIsee · 27/02/2020 16:35

I did a family one and non family one - that’s pretty normal in my circles.

Twinklebinkletoes · 27/02/2020 16:36

We did an afternoon tea for older female family members including MIL and DM and then the rest of the hens and I left to go for a meal/drinking/clubbing (complete with tacky penis themed tat). No one got left out and I still had a fun time!

saraclara · 27/02/2020 16:37

My daughter invited me and her MIL. But it wasn't a wild hen night. It was a fun, friendly afternoon event.
If your hen is going to be a bit more wild and alcohol-fuelled, yep, have a separate 'family only' (so not just the older generation) event.

saraclara · 27/02/2020 16:39

doing afternoon tea with both of them as a mini hen do

Nope. That leaves them out of the social element of it (and also might be less fun for you). At least invite other female family members, and preferably a couple of friends who know them.

underneaththeash · 27/02/2020 16:48

God no! I didn’t invite either...

Doobigetta · 27/02/2020 16:49

I did not. My mum wouldn’t care, she’d find the whole concept bizarre. Which is why I didn’t invite her, because she’d have spent it annoying people by interrogating them about their opinions about the newly discovered cultural phenomenon of the “hen do”. My MiL possibly did care, but obviously I couldn’t invite her and not my actual mother. Plus they don’t get on with each other so wouldn’t have enjoyed being the older generation together. The one time they met before my wedding my MiL spent the whole time making subtle little pops at my mum, who didn’t notice but managed to patronise MiL anyway. And as far as I could tell they avoided each other altogether at the wedding.

LochJessMonster · 27/02/2020 16:51

Yes. On all three of the hen dos I had last year, the DM and MiL came. They didn't stay out as late as us thought.

SazCat · 27/02/2020 16:54

I had a weekend away for my main hen do with close friends. I didn't invite DM or MIL - think they were prob disappointed but they never said anything.

Also had a smaller one, a night out in local town which DM and MIL came to along with work friends etc.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/02/2020 16:56

I didn’t have either - it wouldn’t have been their thing at all and they both understood that (I think my dm was very relieved actually!)
Maybe play up how raucous it’s going to be and it’ll put them off anyway!

Ladyratterley · 27/02/2020 16:57

Jesus Christ, no! I didn't invite my mum or MIL to the main event. Instead we had a nice meal with my bridesmaids when my DH was out on his stag.

OneToThree · 27/02/2020 16:58

I did a weekend away with 6 close friends. Then a meal out with family.

Original poster
NCtoday27220 · 27/02/2020 16:58

Just to clarify, they are the only female family members nearby, so an afternoon tea with just those 2 would probably be a bit weird. It would be solely for their benefit - not mine or any other female family members.

I think they will want to come to the "actual" hen do, which is a weekend break in the uk.

OP posts:
SunshineAvenue · 27/02/2020 17:02

Yes I did plus my own sister but I get on fine with them, also SIL who I have an ok relationship with. I had a tame(ish) hen, an activity followed by drinks and then dinner and then more drinks. MIL and SIL went home straight after dinner, my mum and sister stayed out.

If I'd been going away for weekend not sure if I would have invited them.

MangoHat · 27/02/2020 17:05

God no.

I went on a hen do where the bride’s DM and MIL came. The bride got absolutely hammered. She threw up all over herself and cried for her mum. Her mum I think could have done without having to clear up her 25 year old daughter’s sick. The bride doesn’t remember but she was so pissed she also talked very graphically to her DM and her MIL about how much she loved her fiancé to go down on her, and a couple of other details about her sex life which would have been oversharing for friends, let alone your mum and mil to be. The whole evening was utterly cringeworthy.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/02/2020 17:07

A lot of people I know have had a meal at the beginning of the night for people that can't/don't want to go for the drinking session.

milienhaus · 27/02/2020 17:09

I had both of mine and all my and my husbands sisters (4 in total), plus about 10 friends at a weekend break. Wasn’t especially wild though we did drink and everyone had fun (at least I did and I hope!m everyone else did / they at least pretended!).

Original poster
NCtoday27220 · 27/02/2020 17:11

@MangoHat ShockShockShock Omg, that poor MIL having to listen to her saying that!

The hen is a weekend away about 1.5 hours away, with 3 cars going, so not an option them just coming for a meal.

It's basically glamping with camp fire, hot tub, DIY bbq etc.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 27/02/2020 17:16

Good grief no! I didn't even invite BIL's then DP because she was so annoying.

averythinline · 27/02/2020 17:18

I wouldn't it's supposed to be fun for the bride to be .... unless you normally all socialise together

MangoHat · 27/02/2020 17:21

Even if you don’t think you’re likely to get hammered and talk about sex, if you don’t want them there, don’t ask them.

12 friends sounds ideal, the set up sounds lovely. If they come you’ll have to alternately worry about if they are enjoying themselves and about whether you can just relax and enjoy being with friends. If you don’t have a friends-type dynamic with them, don’t include them!

I’d ignore any vague hints and if they ask outright just say “oh you don’t want to be bothered with all our millennial / Gen Z / whatever lame thing nonsense, I’ve planned something far more civilised for a family celebration.” Then do a dinner with dads and your fiancé and any siblings.

Original poster
NCtoday27220 · 27/02/2020 17:22

@averythinline that's kind of how I feel. If this is supposed to be for me, then I wouldn't choose to invite them.

I'd be inviting them because they want to come. Not because I want them there.

Selfish as that is.

OP posts:
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