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Original poster

DM and MIL on hen do???

67 replies

NCtoday27220 · 27/02/2020 16:31

NC for this one. My hen do is a couple months time. I have invited 12 of my close friends.

It's become apparent that both DM and MIL expect to be invited.

I have an ok relationship with both of them in small doses/family scenarios -a bit better with MIL as DM has no off switch and never stops talking, usually to turn any convo around to herself. MIL is sweet but I wouldn't be able to really let me hair down.

Did you invite DM and/or MIL to yours? How did it go? Or did you not invite them and did they strop? I'm leaning heavily towards doing what I personally would prefer which is to not invite them.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 27/02/2020 17:24

Most people have a separate family hen do ..nice meal and a few drinks with the oldies and family members. As well as s "mates" one

SockQueen · 27/02/2020 17:26

Neither my mum or MiL would have wanted to at all, so they weren't invited. I've only been on about 5 hen dos over the years but haven't had parents at any of them.

Graphista · 27/02/2020 17:42

It really depends on the personalities involved and what type of hen do.

Mine was way back before all this weekend away nonsense and was just a meal followed by a half hearted “pub crawl”

Future mil couldn’t make as she was ill (flu bless her)

But mum and both GRANS came and had a brilliant time. One gran was first on the karaoke in one bar (fantastic voice), the other ended up teaching a load of much younger folk (not just hen do people) how to do a certain dance 😂

Mum was going great guns at the beginning then fell asleep around 11pm to the great amusement of the grans who declared her a “lightweight, these young ‘uns have nae stamina!” 😂

Was a great night!

But...I’ve known others where mums/future mils have gone and its put a dampener on things.

You could do 2

A Lairy one for you and pals

A more sedate one for older guests.

Do what best suits you and the potential guests.

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exexpat · 27/02/2020 17:51

Absolutely not. It would ruin the entire weekend for you and your friends.

I think you need to develop selective deafness, or thick enough skin to pretend you don't understand any hints being dropped.

And if that doesn't work, invent a few planned elements of the weekend that they really, really would not enjoy (eg communal nudity in the hot tub, compulsory early-morning yoga/meditation/tantric massage session, long hikes, all-vegan cuisine or whatever absolutely would not float their boats).

The more I see on MN, the more relieved I am that a big hen-do was just not a thing in my day (early 90s).

ShirleyPhallus · 27/02/2020 17:53

100% no way.

This happened to my friend and the mums both ended up sticking by her side all weekend. Not fun.

Dillydallyingthrough · 27/02/2020 18:05

God no. I've been to a few hen do's and only 1 had her DM and MIL there it was awful, the rest of the party couldn't relax and my friend ended up checking up on them constantly. It was a weekend away, me and a couple of others ended up leaving very early on the last day as we had had enough. You may find - depending what your DM and MIL are like - that some of your friends pull out.

Although Graphista hen do sounds fucking brilliant!

Original poster
NCtoday27220 · 27/02/2020 18:11

Good shout on telling them we're doing things they won't like.

I'll tell them we're going hiking and having sushi for dinner. That'll put them right off.

Bless them they're both ok as mums/MILs go, it will just change the whole dynamic and will be less enjoyable for me.

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 27/02/2020 18:13

I've never been on a hen do where a DM or MIL were there. I'd hate this. It would change the dynamic completely. It's your hen weekend OP, do what you want to do.

pictish · 27/02/2020 18:16

Definitely NO to inviting them.

Echobelly · 27/02/2020 18:18

I don't think that's expected at all. Some people do if they have a good relationship and are doing something sedate like dinner (or DM/MIL like a good party!), but we had a combined stag/hen and it didn't occur to us, it was a big event for mates really.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/02/2020 18:18

No. They will ruin it for you and they won't enjoy it themselves.

Yes - start now with telling them you can't WAIT for the main activity, you're thinking of this amazing hike thing where you actually zip wire into the place where you rough camp overnight then hike back to the main pod. So cool. Apparently you can ONLY bring what's on your backs but there will be loads of alcohol and a sushi bar set up there already so WAHEY...

etc.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 27/02/2020 18:18

I had them both 😳 but then dh and I did an activity day boys v girls rather than your traditional hen and stag do's

Was brilliant fun. Boys won though...

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/02/2020 18:23

I think it's a bit of a shame not to invite them but there's no point if it'd put a dampener on the weekend.

Firstly, stop discussing it with them.
If they suggest they'd like to come say "oh MOH booked it I'm not sure how many people there's space for" - if she's not your sister or something of course, then tell them there's no spaces left and that you'll do something to make it up to them (like a spa day where they have to be silent while you have a massage) Smile

babybrain77 · 27/02/2020 18:24

I did, but it wasnt a boozy affair. In your situation I wouldn't and I also wouldn't feel the need to explain! Just drop in casually that you're so excited to go and let your hair down a bit with your friends.

Gogolego · 27/02/2020 18:26

What sort of hen do is it
We talking a classy spa day followed by a nice meal and few cocktails in a bar - invite them

Or a very tacky one involving all sorts of embarrassing games and drinking out of penis shaped straws. Don't invite them

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/02/2020 18:26

I was asked to go to my DIL's hen do. I couldn't go but even if I could have I wouldn't have. I wanted her to have fun not worry her MIL was there. Her Mum went though but she is very much more relaxed (and fun) than me.

IceColdCat · 27/02/2020 18:30

I didn't have my mum or MIL on mine and I wouldn't have wanted to! I have been to a couple hen dos when they have been invited - which is fine if it's the bride's choice - but def the minority.

Sunshinegirl82 · 27/02/2020 18:47

Nope! Weekend away with about 15 friends and all got completely smashed (was brilliant fun!)

I did do a spa day with DM, MIL, DSis, DSIL though which went down well. Could you do a smaller more sedate hen do with just family and bridesmaids maybe?

Lipz · 27/02/2020 19:00

I had 2. We had one night which was mental, major drinking session and the 2nd a meal and drinks. People decided which one they wanted to go to and some went to both. My mother went to both 🤣 she was loving it all. Mil went to meal, she brought a friend who is lovely.

You're going camping and having a bbq, would they not enjoy that ? Doesn't sound too hectic.

If you really don't want them there you'll either have to tell them or arrange a second night.

Singlenotsingle · 27/02/2020 19:02

I'm a MIL. I can't imagine anything worse!

saraclara · 27/02/2020 19:21

There are hen do's and hen do's. And there are DMs/MILs and DMs/MILs. So generalisations about who should and shouldn't be invited are pretty useless.

JasonBrun · 27/02/2020 19:26

Aw that sounds great mind @FizzyGreenWater where do I sign up?!

Don't do it to yourself OP, you'll be ending up resentful and regretful and then what's the point.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 27/02/2020 20:42

I was invited, but declined. It was over a weekend and I wasn’t up for sharing a hotel room with a stranger thirty years younger than me. I do think that hen parties should be for the bride’s friends, so younger people.

I’d go for an oldies afternoon tea though.

Ragwort · 27/02/2020 20:44

Can't think of anything worse as a future MIL, I would hate to attend that sort of event.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 27/02/2020 21:04

I went to one where the bride’s mum and her aunties went. They were monitoring everyone's drinks and if anyone popped out for a fag or ordered an alcoholic drink made comments that it was at least their 3rd glass and they probably should not drink any more... Hmm

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