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Original poster

I need to change my personality, counselling?

68 replies

user1933885 · 23/02/2020 01:52

I know that change is possible because I wasn't always like this. I just got angrier and angrier and more pissed off at everything and anything throughout my teens. 10-year-old me would be mortified at what she's turned into.

I'm in my late 20s and a generally unpleasant person. When I'm away from whatever/whoever is annoying me, I kick myself for how I behave, I don't even care about 99.9% of the things that annoy me, I resolve to be better, and then I slip straight back into being awful.

I've been thinking about counselling. I've had a relatively straight-forward life but I've never talked about being picked on at school to anybody. It seems daft to try to blame my crappy behaviour on people being crappy to me 15 years ago but that's when it started so I wonder if acknowledging it might help.

Has anybody managed to drastically turn themselves around with counselling or some other way?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1933885 · 23/02/2020 13:29

Just me then? Grin

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 23/02/2020 13:31

Sort of. Counselling gave me a lot of insight into the effects of some life incidents on me and the longer term psychological effects. I have become much better at acknowledging emotions without acting on them impulsively. I think more about how my actions impact on others. I still have a tendency to deal with life by drinking which I’m always going to battle with.

Palavah · 23/02/2020 13:32

Changing your entire personality is a bit drastic but it sounds as though you would benefit from some different ways of coping with frustration and disappointment. Try reading the Feeling Good handbook, the Subtle art of not giving a F*"', and the Chimp Paradox.

If you're concerned that you might physically hurt yourself or someone else please do see your GP.

UhKevin · 23/02/2020 13:33

I don’t have any pointers but just wanted to say good on you, OP, and good luck.

MrsPMT · 23/02/2020 13:37

I'd give counselling a go. Also aging and experience can help. Do you have good friends/family who you could have a serious talk with about how you feel? You could also post in relationships or mental health for a discussion about your feelings, incidents that you feel you handled badly to get some outside perspective.
Good luck

Original poster
user1933885 · 23/02/2020 16:13

Good to hear that counselling has helped you somewhat.

Acting impulsively with no thought for the other person in the situation is definitely it. Yesterday at work, somebody gave me some rubbish, I'm not a cleaner, I wasn't heading to the bins, she's not my boss, she was being lazy and she was in the wrong for not clearing up her own rubbish. Until I handled the situation with a load of attitude and stropping off. 100% me in the wrong and being ridiculous.

I wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like I do now when I was younger. I think I'm somebody who has not benefitted from having gained confidence/become less shy with age. It just means I'm more willing to show what an arsehole I can be.

OP posts:
Woollycardi · 23/02/2020 16:18

Yes I think you could unpick a lot of that in counselling. But the work is on you to do though. You have to believe that the change is possible within yourself and that you have built up to the way you believe and behave now so a part of you is going to HATE confronting that. Good luck.

springydaff · 23/02/2020 16:18

Yes I'd do some therapy to get the thorn out of your soul 💐

But the lazy git with the rubbish? I'm with you on that one.

Woollycardi · 23/02/2020 16:21

Also, you're well on the way to change now as you can already recognise the areas you are not happy with so I think it would be a great time to start counselling.

Original poster
user1933885 · 24/02/2020 13:39

Thanks. I've never bothered with counselling before because I can make a good guess at why I am how I am. I had four friends move away in 18 months when I was 10/11. I never made any new friends and I got picked on by a lot of different people in high school, which my teachers ignored. I grew up angry and withdrawn and not particularly fond of people as a whole. I know it still affects me because my old head of year shops where I work and the sight of her irritates me. Probably worth exploring whether talking about it might help me let it go.

OP posts:
springydaff · 24/02/2020 14:05

Yes I think it will help. Good luck op, you suffered a lot and it's no wonder you're sore 💐

TrueFriendsStabYouInTheFront · 24/02/2020 14:17

I think the fact that you have the insight to assess your own behaviour is a really good start. The mere fact that you recognise that you are an arsehole in certain situations makes me believe that the 'old' you is still in there somewhere. You're aware of how you act, and it's not how you want to be - you're not actually an arsehole else you wouldn't even know something needed to change!

Just like any other bad habit we pick up, I think this one can be broken too. I think a lot of the time, negative behaviour stems from self preservation (I don't need anyone, I'm in control etc) and/or negative feelings about our own self (I'm not happy so you can't be either). I reckon you could put yourself in one of those categories?

If I were you I would be inclined to read a CBT self help book as a first port of call. With your insight, you may well be able to pick through and rectify this behaviour yourself.

Good luck Thanks

Funkycats · 24/02/2020 14:20

I would highly recommend talking to a good psychotherapist. Turned my life around.

Littleninja1 · 24/02/2020 14:23

Hello OP I have been where you are. I was bullied throughout school and also regularly harassed in public due to my looking different to others. My parents did not support me emotionally through this.

I was angry, resentful, hurt and not good at handling my emotions. I really relied on others and often felt adrift in life. I went to therapy for a few years and it set me on the path for true change, which I am very close to. Every day now I can see how my thoughts and behaviour are impacting me and those I love and I'm much better at impulse control.

I have found mindfulness helpful (I use the Headspace app) as well as yoga.

I now feel like a person who has value and worth and just having that feeling means I don't need to be angry or bitter. I know they were wrong and I am perfectly fine as I am :)

My advice is to find a therapist you feel a connection with and who "gets" you as it can be a long road and you don't want to have to repeat yourself by changing later on. It's expensive and can be very tough sometimes but it was so so worth it for me x

Original poster
user1933885 · 24/02/2020 23:25

Is there a CBT book you'd recommend? I've tried that and mindfulness before but never seriously. I'm a big daydreamer and I tend to get fixated on things and play them over and over in my mind. I think getting better at controlling my thoughts would really help.

That's great that you've found counselling so helpful, Littleninja and Funkycats. I know it's going to be hard work but I hope I can turn things around too.

I don't know about self-preservation. I feel like at some point, I just hit a point of not caring what people think at all, because people treat me the same whatever I do. But as much as I don't care if other people like me, I do want to like myself and I don't like knowing that I'm responsible for making other people feel rubbish.

OP posts:
cravingthelook · 24/02/2020 23:33

Yes, try it. For me various issues from past events meant I actually just checked out mentally and switched off from people. Even though I was there I wasn't there. I'm working on it, have a lovely therapist.

Haggisfish · 24/02/2020 23:36

Personally I don’t think cbt would be the right approach at the moment.

Isabellaswann · 24/02/2020 23:37

Don’t be too hard on yourself, user

You sound pretty lovely to me, to be honest.

florababy84 · 24/02/2020 23:59

I changed parts of my behaviour with counselling and with my own efforts. I saw that my anxiety was causing me to lash out at others and also seek reassurance from others to an unhealthy degree and I didn't like the person I was. Once I identified that it was anxious thoughts making me do that, I could reign it in and wrote things down, talked myself through the thoughts rather than expressing every single one to my friends and coming off like a very annoying needy crazy person.

Sarcelle · 25/02/2020 00:15

I sometimes act impulsively to my detriment as I often make a bad situation worse. I read something today about the difference between humans and animal was that we can rationalise things in a way that animals can't. So we have the opportunity to stop the impulse in a way that animals don't. You can't stop involuntary reactions like being startled, but if you react in an impulsive way (i.e in anger) it makes you no better than a beast in the field. I am paraphrasing but you get the gist. It pulled me up short. Be more human, less beast!

Deathraystare · 25/02/2020 16:15

The thing is, you know it isn't right. I know a few people who think the way behave is ok. They call it being assertive. They are actually very very angry people and treat others appallingly. I am sure counselling would help and maybe explore why and when it first happened.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 25/02/2020 16:25

Several years of deep psychotherapy changed me radically. If you seriously commit to the proc

Sarahlou63 · 25/02/2020 16:34

Look up Kain Ramsey's CBT course on Udemy if you feel you're up to self analysis. I'm doing it at the moment and - IMO - it's excellent.

Original poster
user1933885 · 26/02/2020 20:02

Why CBT the wrong approach? I was thinking it's not going to do any harm even if it doesn't help?

Had a really bad day today. Something minor happens and I just spiral into not giving a shit how I'm behaving in a really spectacularly ridiculous way.

I am angry a lot but I'm not assertive at all and I don't think I am. At work, where I'm at my worst, it's a never ending cycle of people not listening to me, me getting frustrated that I'm not listened to, and then people paying even less attention to me because I'm being rude and stroppy, and who pays attention to somebody who's barely one step up from throwing a tantrum?

I've bought myself a pocket notepad and I'm going to try some sort of system of writing down minor annoyances to try to get the repetitive thoughts out of my head without complaining constantly.

OP posts:
PixieRabbit · 26/02/2020 20:13

Your work colleague who tried to give you the rubbish was being a dick.

I would have reacted the same way you did. I think I’m probably a lot like you.