I need to change my personality, counselling?

[user1933885]

I know that change is possible because I wasn't always like this. I just got angrier and angrier and more pissed off at everything and anything throughout my teens. 10-year-old me would be mortified at what she's turned into.

I'm in my late 20s and a generally unpleasant person. When I'm away from whatever/whoever is annoying me, I kick myself for how I behave, I don't even care about 99.9% of the things that annoy me, I resolve to be better, and then I slip straight back into being awful.

I've been thinking about counselling. I've had a relatively straight-forward life but I've never talked about being picked on at school to anybody. It seems daft to try to blame my crappy behaviour on people being crappy to me 15 years ago but that's when it started so I wonder if acknowledging it might help.

Has anybody managed to drastically turn themselves around with counselling or some other way?

Why do most counsellors have a mile long list of conditions that they treat? I'm not expecting to see a list that consists of my exact situation and only my exact situation but nobody knows everything yet loads of counsellors seem to list dozens of conditions that, to me, seem fairly unrelated. Like depression, anxiety disorders, stopping smoking, couples counselling, phobias and 20+ other things.

I'm also put off all the ones who have 'office' addresses that're just their house. I don't want to go to somebody's house or have them in mine.

I know I should just try somebody out but they're all quoting £40-50 a session, which is a lot of money to throw at randomly trying out counsellors.

Not sure why counsellors do that with the list of things they treat. I’d go for one who seems nice and will give you a free meeting. Some of them do. Also have a look for low cost counselling. Some places do that for people on a lower income. To me, it sounds like when you feel disrespected or not listened to, it triggers a feeling that you’ve had in the past (maybe bullying). So you’re really reacting to that, rather than the actual situation. Check out this book too, it’s about your ‘inner child’ counselling can be amazingly illuminating if you get the right one.

www.amazon.co.uk/Home-Coming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner/dp/0749910542/ref=asc_df_0749910542_nodl/?hvlocphy=9045632&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310856639426&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-526368087328&hvrand=7655326156850553764

Not quite sure that link was so long so hope it works. Anyway, the book is called Homecoming by John Bradshaw.

Do loads of personality tests.

Also, you might get something from The Chimp Paradox book. Your chimp is out of control.

I see it’s already been sort-of suggested but I found a daily practise of meditation really helpful with this. (I used to have a kind of “red mist” descend when I got irritated or angry, and it was very hard not to give in to the worst sides of myself during those periods).

With meditation you are practising just sitting with yourself as all kinds of feelings and physical sensations arise - it’s a learning of how to let go of them and just be. Sounds a bit woo, I realise, but I can’t think of anything else that would achieve the same.

Could you describe a situation where you say you have behaved unpleasantly/ badly? What you actually said and what you did? It's difficult to get a sense of how you behave without some sort of verbatim account. I don't know how unpleasant your behaviour is/ isn't objectively.

What counselling did for me was help me 'release' somethings and approach stuff as an adult rather than from point of view of the conclusion I drew as a child.

This has been incredibly helpful in the way I approach all sorts of things..it reminded me/helped me to see that it is possible to act/react in childish or adult ways and I have control of that...but I needed someone to help me find the adult ways to act because the child way was entrenched. But once uncovered it was/is able to be dealt with.

I don't know if that makes sense but sometimes the conclusions we draw when we are young, become normalised, but they are not helpful.

What sort of personality tests?

I've never been able to get the hang of meditation. I feel like I think too repetitively. Same reason I have insomnia. I really struggle to switch off my thoughts once I'm fixated on something. I repeat conversations, both real and imaginary over and over in my head.

It's my attitude, body language, facial expressions, slamming stuff around, being generally stroppy and sullen... I blank people who piss me off. I also complain a lot.

Specific examples... I once walked out of a post office because the woman on the till told me I'd walked through the queuing system the wrong way. Couple of weeks ago at work, I was putting something away and got told to put it somewhere else for (IMO) no reason so I threw it into a filing cabinet and walked off. I'm currently refusing to do anything to help somebody who messed with some of my work a couple of weeks ago and has yet to apologise for it but at this point, I'm a hundred times more in the wrong than they were so...

Reacting like a child vs reacting like an adult definitely makes sense. Good to hear it can be learnt. The childish way that I react to things is so impulsive. I try to take a second and think 'do I really need to say/do that?' but easier said than done most of the time.

Evening, user! I’m a counsellor who isn’t touting for business on here; that’s my disclaimer out of the way . Ok, so can counselling (or another talking therapy) help you? Yes, definitely. As PP have said, don’t worry too much about titles and labels, find a person you like and can relate to. But, do make sure they’re affiliated to a professional body such as bacp or ukcp. Next: blurb. If you advertise your services on websites like counselling directory, they ask you to tick loads of boxes to say what you will work with e.g eating disorders, sexuality etc. Most therapists will work with most issues in practical terms, the exceptions being some very specialised areas. And cost: yes, therapy can be expensive. No, we aren’t all rich, we just have a lot of expenses from professional membership to further training, supervision of our work and our own therapy. Lots of therapists will help make it affordable to work with them though not all will advertise the fact. And many offer the initial session free of charge so you can check them out (I do). Hope this helps.

Yes counselling combined with self help books has been life changing for me

I like Myers Briggs tests.

Emotional Intelligence tests.

Try watching this:

You might find the book 'Reinventing Your Life' helpful. It talks about the various 'scripts' we adopt that start to dictate our lives, and gives ways to help get through them. I've read a LOT of self-help and this was one of the most important.

Are you able to control yourself if there are children present or within earshot?

I'm never around children.

There are just so, so many options for counselling and self help and everything.

That video says 'we know who we are'. I really don't. Even things like hobbies, clothes, music, superficial stuff, I don't know what I like. It changes on a whim all the time. Never mind knowing what I'm like as a person or what I want career/socially/family wise. I just don't know.

Well, we all have some degree of changeability when in different situations and around different people - sometimes it can feel like we’re different aspects of ourselves on different days. However, if it feels extreme ie you don’t feel like there’s a recognisable pattern that is ‘you’ that can be very troubling. How old are you, user? Sorry if you mentioned this upthread.

If there is too much choice just pick any old book or test and start there.

@User1933885. Thanks for providing some examples. From the ones you have given, I wouldn't necessarily agree that you sound very, very angry or unpleasant. You sound very defensive and reactive. I think that's a bit different. There doesn't seem to be nasty words said to other people. Seems to be more of a variety of fight/flight/fright responses.

I really think psychotherapy is a fantastic opportunity to explore some of the things that happened to you and which you already know deeply affected you and helped to form how you are. This will then free you to choose new ways of being.

Not to mention just learning so much about yourself. You say you feel lacking in this self-awareness, well psychotherapy will certainly give you that. You can look on a professional body's website, for example, UKCP (UK Council for Psychotherapy) and contact some in your area. See what they have to say and take it from there.

Best of luck.

I'm never around children.

Ah ok, I was going to suggest trying to imagine peoples children were able to hear you talking to their mum or dad like that. It's a learned behaviour and can be stopped, you just have to figure out what will work.

Pretend you are on a course and you are being assessed on everything throughout the day?...…...although maybe you would easily fly off the handle at the assessors as well lol.