I need to change my personality, counselling?

[user1933885]

I know that change is possible because I wasn't always like this. I just got angrier and angrier and more pissed off at everything and anything throughout my teens. 10-year-old me would be mortified at what she's turned into.

I'm in my late 20s and a generally unpleasant person. When I'm away from whatever/whoever is annoying me, I kick myself for how I behave, I don't even care about 99.9% of the things that annoy me, I resolve to be better, and then I slip straight back into being awful.

I've been thinking about counselling. I've had a relatively straight-forward life but I've never talked about being picked on at school to anybody. It seems daft to try to blame my crappy behaviour on people being crappy to me 15 years ago but that's when it started so I wonder if acknowledging it might help.

Has anybody managed to drastically turn themselves around with counselling or some other way?

Funnily enough, somebody else, completely unrelated to the first person, did the exact same thing today. As much as I have a reputation for being moody, I don't stand up for myself and I do think people take the piss sometimes. They know that however stroppy I am about it, I'll ultimately do what they want. In a dream world, I'd be able to tell them to piss off in a positive, polite way.

That’s really weird! So you actually took the rubbish from them and disposed of it each time?

If you’re already stroppy, maybe just say no, as arsily as you like, and walk away. (Easy for me to advise, of course.)

Similarly to you, I seem to ‘invite’ this kind of treatment from people. A lifetime of it has made me all kinds of mental.

As a result, I don’t really like or trust anyone much. It’s quite a miserable way to be.

I’m attempting to read (very slowly) a book on complex ptsd, and finding it very hard going.

OP, you seem to think that you have a bad personality, but from what you say about intrusive thoughts, you sound a little unwell, and you would probably benefit from treatment. Certainly speak to your GP and investigate medication, CBT or counselling. Stop beating yourself up! You are unhappy, you've had a bad time as a kid, and treatment will help

It was put next to me rather than me taking it. I know I could've gone and returned it but that comes across as stroppy and petty, and I really don't want to be like that.

I think it's very easy to see the worst in everybody when you're looking at things from a point of view of not particularly liking people. It is miserable. I hope things improve for you too.

Thanks, DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy. I don't think I'm innately bad but I behave very badly a lot. I've spoken to my GP before about feeling down and anxious, social difficulties, my temper, but I'm all over the place, very changeable, and I'm never entirely sure what the problem is or what I want.

As much as I have a reputation for being moody, I don't stand up for myself

This struck me it sounds to me as if quite apart from counselling -- you would benefit from an assertiveness course, which would teach you the difference between genuine assertiveness and aggression which ends up not making your boundaries clear, which sounds like what you're doing at the moment?

I think you have a good level of insight into your own processes, which will be the first step towards changing them.

It sounds to me as if fundamentally you don't expect to be listened to, and that makes you angry, and then it snowballs from there.

You talk a lot about being at your worst at work. How are your dynamics with family and friends?

OP you may well benefit from talking about your upbringing and the lessons you learned from your carers and peers during that time. These form the basis of how we view the world and basically everything we do, think, see, we see through this lens.

I'd recommend a private therapist if you can afford it. It's long term work. It's not an NHS 6 week CBT course. Personally it was years before I could even engage with CBT because it felt like again I was being made to seem in the wrong when actually no, people were being shitty to me and it's not my thoughts that are the problem.

Ok some ideas. Have a look at The Last Symptom website and podcast. It's about borderline personality disorder but even if that doesn't seem like the right fit for you it is stuffed with helpful insights to reframe how you perceive your own worth. The podcast is the most useful and there are lots of episodes to get stuck in to.

Books I found helpful:
They Fuck You Up by Oliver James
Attached by Amir Levine
The Power of Now by Eckhart Toll

My experience is that by understanding my core beliefs I was able to see the impact this had on my whole life, from how I phrase my sentences, to how I find intimacy impossible and eye contact hard to why I can't finish a task or why I attract people who will never be right for me or kind to me and why I felt angry, bitter and resentful about a huge variety of topics that others had no problem with. This could be totally different to you though, hard to tell but wanted to give some ideas as you are at this very exciting precipice of knowing you need to change and getting ready to do it :) well done!

If it was possible then us with bpd would be cured you can however manage the things you do with insight into your behaviours

Are you sure you're not depressed? When I'm quite depressed I often think of all the horrible things I've said or done over the years and it has spiraled, everyone makes mistakes and does things wrong or says the wrong thing at times.

Have you done anything like the NHS depression check/quiz type thing? I find that useful to assess where I am occasionally.

I absolutely hated CBT, its very "in the moment" IME and doesn't really consider past events etc or your upbringing. If you feel you need to explore that more then a different therapy type would be better IMO.

I hated CBT as well. Not better yet? Your own fault, you’re not trying hard enough, etc.

I don't have any friends. Family is my parents and my brother and sister. I get on with them all but my siblings live on the other side of the country and I don't see them much. Extended family aren't close.

All round how to communicate like an adult training would be a good shout!

I do have periods of being down, but I don't think I'm depressed or have BPD or anything. Just a bit all over the place. I'll have a look at the resources suggested, thanks.

All round how to communicate like an adult training would be a good shout!

IME, this follows from therapy and listening to The Last Symptom podcast. It did for me.

You've not responded to whether or not you can afford private therapy, which can determine other suggestions we can make. Is that an option for you?

Borderline has a silly name. It's actually about emotional health. If you struggle to control your emotions, if you could be described as "volatile" and if you can feel quite happy one hour and sad the next but notice it passed quickly then this is an indicator. I've never been "depressed" but I fell into hours of depressive thoughts and self harm but could then be totally fine the next day. This is different to how people with depression to tend to feel, it doesn't lift quickly for them.

Anyway the label isn't necessarily helpful. And I'm not diagnosing you with anything, not my place! I am saying you can access enormously helpful resources because what you learn from insight into your reactions is why you feel that way. This can eventually be something you feel at peace with and following that you don't feel that way anymore. Then you learn to cope with life as an adult and feel less "other". Emotional problems can be massively improved.

I've also found exercise helpful and keeping myself in a routine (bedtime, days I exercise, developing a hobby).

I practice how to respond to others and am aware of my initial reactions now. It's becoming more and more second nature instead of a conscious thing I have to think through.

Any of this make sense? :)

I don't know if I could afford private counselling. I've looked but nowhere locally is upfront about how much they charge.

It's not so much that I struggle to control my emotions. I just don't react to negative emotions very well. If anything, I'd say that I have social difficulties rather than emotional ones.

Sticking to no screens in my bedroom, eating reasonably well, exercising five times a week, has definitely helped with feeling down, and to a lesser extent, my insomnia too.

You're not on contraception are you?
Just a question as moodiness can be a common and severe side effect.

I have found counselling incredibly helpful. Far more so than I expected it to be. I had CBT. It gave me a few powerful insights into my underlying beliefs and thoughts and how they were affecting my actions and state of mind.

Nah, I'm not on contraception, or any medication at all.

Sounds like you're very self aware which is a good place to start with counselling.
I think you sound nice but are still hurting from some past experiences. You might want to adapt your behavior and process some things but don't think you'll need to change your personality.

My partner had PTSD treatment and hypnosis and it very successfully solved his anger issues. He was turning into someone that I could not accept in the family home and his temper had begun to scare me and we walked on eggshells. It was the best money we've ever spent, he is just the much nicer version of himself these days. It saved our relationship to the point he actually re-trained and now works with men that have anger & addiction problems

Power of now had a huge impact on me.

Counselling utterly useless. Tried a few times.

It's great you want to change OP. Similar to what realisations I had from a similar background of bullying and zero support. Looking back I definitely had a type of PTSR (Post traumatic stress response). I had to learn and train myself how to respond "normally" to negative emotions, thoughts, other people. At one point I was diagnosed with depression, bpd and at one point even aspergers was on the cards. Actually I was just dealing with trauma and there's not actually anything wrong with me, apart from a lifetime of being told there was

Bit rambly but what I mean is go for it! Claim your life.

You do not seem to have a concept of what type of person you want to be.

You write as if your behaviour only matters if it changes how others treat you.

What kind of person you are is largely independent of what other people do or say.

If you could wave a magic wand and be different, what would you be like?

If you went through some therapy for a couple of years and it were successful and then you happened to meet a new group of people, how would they describe you to their friends? "We met this person user1933885 at the narwhal wrestling last night and she is ..."

You sound a lot like me OP. Have you ever looked into the possibility of having ASD or ADHD? I have a dx of ADHD myself & my DC are dx ASD. I am currently on the waiting list for ASD myself too. It was a huge lightbulb moment when the DC were being assessed. Everything that was said related more to me than them.

@outnumberedbyboyz what a great success story. Well done to both of you for persevering.

On a slightly different aspect here OP, but I don't think you need to change your personality. It's not a problem.

Reading your posts it's like things happened when you were 10 that effectively masked your personality. So looking at unpicking/resolving/soothing/whatever(!) that and the resulting reactions may be more useful than thinking you need a full personality overhaul.

You say your 10 year old self would be embarrassed by your reactions to people now. That indicates that you're actually a perfectly decent person at the root of all this. Fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with your personality. It just needs the mask to dissolve a bit so it gets the chance to shine through. And perhaps that mask is not an enemy, working against you, but a part of you that is working on overdrive trying to protect the 10 year old.

Try not to beat yourself up about the anger rudeness. That's like a double whammy!

Counselling can be helpful with this, along with reading (doesn't have to be one or the other). With counselling though know that you can ask the person where they qualified, whether they did, for instance, a psychotherapy masters, or a course over a few weekends. You can ask them how much they change (email and ask, or call). And some will do it every second week too, which can be just ask good as weekly, for something like this, especially if you're reading. You need to feel a connection with the counsellor though.

Another suggestion would be to look for someone who practices EMDR, That might be able to help processing the emotions relating to school (it sounds like they're still very much "present", and understandably) Or some of them at least. It's hard work, but also can be faster than talking alone.

Good luck.

Oh yes, and I agree the woman with the rubbish was out of order. :)

I think I get where you are coming from. Some days it's as if I'm waiting for some provocation to be angry. Some days I'm sweetness & light and other days I'm like a bear in a cage. I'm not going to write war & peace on this (ironic).... My sister is even worse

What is helping me is finding something physical you like doing - running, walking, indoor climbing, join a club and MAKE SOME FRIENDS. Build up your self esteem. Get some Vit D, Vit C, Iron & zinc and take a big daily dose. Practice being kind - people's reaction to small kind things is a big mental boost.

But I would have ignored the rubbish & not assumed they wanted me to clear it (self esteem!).

I doubt there's anything wrong with your personality, the issue is behaviour and you can learn to change that.

I don't really know how I want to be. I mostly want to be left alone so I'll give the narwhal wrestling a miss I'd like the self-control to not react in a ridiculously OTT way and to not dwell on things.

I used to live very much in my own world. I daydreamed constantly and was obsessed with reading. I feel like I've gone from one end of the scale to the other. From ignoring everything to everything mattering too much.

Autism has been mentioned. I know a lot of people find an adult ADHD/ASD diagnosis useful but it's not for me.

Really appreciate everybody who's shared their experiences and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.