AIBU to ask why parents who have favourite children.....

[Magnolia21]

don't try to conceal it as best they can?

We have always felt a bit second division when it comes to DPs parents. What I don't get is why they always need to tell us each time they give DPs brother's family yet another generous cash handout rather than keeping it quiet. If they kept it to themselves, we would be none the wiser. It seems like they prioritise getting the glory of making the grand gesture over everything else.

Obviously it is their money and they are entitled to do what they want with it. I just wish that they could be more discreet in how they behave.

It is so frustrating!

We are the same in that my husbands parents constantly give money to his sister, they have given thousands over the years.

They paid for her wedding, her uni fees and an allowance when she had a child yet nothing for us!

He feels so hurt by it, yet the sister makes comments about him being Mr perfect!

I find it's just causing him to pull away from his parents and sister so really it's broken the family yet they seem so unaware.

I feel strongly that you should give equally and will do the same for my children.

It's rubbish ☹️

I don’t know but have you noticed how they always choose the most arsehole kid to be the favourite. It’s like they want the one who treats them the worst to love them more by giving them things/doing things for them.

@SisterAgatha has hit the nail on the head. I had an ex who was Golden Boy in his over-indulgent parents' eyes, he was brought up to firmly believe the sun shone out of his arse, and he never, ever grew out of it.

He's a chauvinistic, arrogant, condescending prick who's utterly devoid of empathy, and his parents still treat him like he's a god. He never had to lift a finger growing up - he believes that if a man barks orders loud enough, women will go running.

His elder brother, on the other hand, adores his parents and was always trying to please them, to no avail. It was sad to see.

SisterAgatha don’t know but have you noticed how they always choose the most arsehole kid to be the favourite.

Know what you mean! It's like if you are loyal and dependable, you get taken for granted in some respects!

I've no experience of this personally, but one of my closest friends is constantly overlooked by her parents even in her 40s. It's really upsetting for her to see photos posted on Facebook to celebrate events that she and her DH haven't been invited to. A couple of months ago she offered to host something for her DM's birthday but was told that she didn't want to do anything or make a fuss. Then she saw photos that her sister (who is a spiteful cow too, frankly) posted on facebook at a restaurant with balloons, cake etc. She was so hurt.

@ SisterAgatha this is so accurate! One of DSIS treats my DDad like absolute shit and expects everything done for her and he has openly admitted he is scared of losing her if he doesn’t give her what she wants. One day she’ll loose more family by her behaviour and he’ll be all she has left and he won’t be here forever.

DH was treated so differently as a child/young adult compared to his DSIS that some of it you couldn’t make up. Now they are both older it seems to have even right out.

Why not ask them directly?

People will only treat you like shit if you let them

I think it's even more hurtful when it extends to grandchildren.

This dynamic exists in my family too, but I don't think it's that simple.

They don't actually realise that their behaviour makes it look obvious they have a favourite.

They believe one child needs more help.

Ironically they've usually subconsciously created or prolonged the helpless/ dependent offspring situation themselves. It often stems from a difficult phase the now adult child went through at some point during which they did need extra help/ support, but which should be long since over. The parent or parents become addicted to the dynamic of being needed, and create a completely codependent relationship with this "fragile" or "unlucky" one of their adult children.

My fragile sibling is in her 40s and has married someone similar. They live essentially off handouts and allowances set up by both sets of parents although he works part time whilst spending the rest of his time on get rich quick schemes which inevitably lose sometimes large sums, sometimes smaller sums, she does some free manual labour in return for free access to a normally very expensive hobby (elderly parents also do childcare and rope other people in to do childcare to facilitate the hobby).

Fragile sibling believes the independent sibling who is largely ignored is the favourite, and is bitter about it somehow! I can only guess that parents are saying completely different things to each sibling and themselves see their parenting from a totally different angle and think they're trying to be fair.

But yes it is bloody annoying, to put it mildly.

Fuck knows!

But today I'm pissed off and needing a rant. My ILs don't give a flying fuck about my kids or family.

While they gift equally so keep the same on the surface. SIL comes 1st, 2nd and 3rd in the pecking order, they'd think nothing of going 150 miles for a birthday at theirs, they can't be arrsed to turn up on my DSs actual birthday 8 miles away. Something else is more important fuck knows what but SIL happens to be visiting.

Oh and 6.30pm is too late for darling GS. So SIL couldn't be arrsed to rock up either.

Thanks for reading. DH doesn't see it or doesn't let on that it bugs him.

My parents have made it abundantly clear who the favourite is, and it isn't me. It's deeply hurtful and I have felt very abandoned by them, we don't have a close relationship as a result. I spent a long time trying to compensate and be the better, more helpful, hardworking one but it made no difference. It's part of the reason that DD will remain an only child, as I know the pain that favouritism causes.

My parents argue that we have different needs and therefore different treatment or they learnt from their mistakes as I'm the elder child but it doesn't make it any less hurtful and their lack of support when I needed it left me in a very dark place mentally and a bad financial situation (due to instability of renting rather than irresponsibility) which I'm still working through years later. The financial disparity is usually the most obvious in these scenarios but I think that there are always more insidious differences too which aren't noticed because family behaviours seem normal if you were raised with them.

I guess parents - or people - like to feel needed. Dh and I both suffered from the "Oh, you'll be all right" phrase from our parents as opposed to their constant dancing round more needy siblings.

I always thought the Prodigal Son Bible story was so unfair. Solid, dependable brother shafted in favour of returning layabout who'd spent all his money. But he gets the fatted calf and half the farm (can't remember exactly...) because everyone should be rejoicing that he's back. 2,000+ years on and things haven't changed!

I feel you, it's not even physical things that my DPs family show favouritism in. For those type of things they're pretty fair. It's silly things like on the phone they'll drone on and on about his sibling but never ask a thing about him. Go on about how fantastic the sibling is although from an outsider view they've jumped from job to job and expect other people to bail them out. Whereas my DP works his socks off and has done really well and has stability. Plus they don't like me because I don't shy away from confrontation whereas they're family are the kings of passive aggressive and lack of communication. (My family prefer to talk it out). So I'm biased 😂.

They have a annual newsletter (don't get me started) and they mentioned the sibling 11 times. DP... 3 times.

Oh well... they don't realise they're pushing him away.

"@notnowmaybelater*
You are so right in everything you have written. Your perspective really resonates with me and I think that you have given me the tools to understand the dynamic we have with my in-laws. Thank you so much!

*their

In my family the fragile/ unlucky couple were actually given a house outright, mortgage free, when their first child was born. It was a smallish cottage in need of cosmetic work (just decorating) and they decorated and sold it and lost all the money on a get rich quick scheme. Yet somehow this is spun as evidence of how hard working they are (to have done their own house up) and how unlucky they are (that the obviously crazy business idea dramatically bombed and they lost everything).

They were then given a side business spin off from one set of parents, who run it for them and put the profits in their account, and the other set of parents pay them an allowance framed as being payment for help with gardening and odd jobs which the couple don't actually provide (on the contrary the elderly parents are the ones providing the younger couple with significant child and pet care and other practical help), and talk about leaving them their house outright despite having four other children, because they have been so unlucky! Obviously none of the siblings of either of the couple have ever been given businesses or houses or money.

@IrmaFayLear my mum once actually tried to use the Prodigal son story on me to try and make me understand why my sister should get a hero welcome back after not speaking to my mother for three years. Needless to say I was fuming.

My mom does this with my daughter she used to have her for a couple of hours on a Saturday have barbecues and invite the entire family except me because I was weird and awkward (gluten free and I once actually disciplined my own child in their house for being naughty) my daughter wont take care of her when she is old I think my sister is volunteered she is my parents favourite too I dont think I have ever been anyone's favourite

Glad it helped Magnolia21 - I may have spent too long thinking about it!

It's hard to understand why any parents could be so blatantly discriminatory.

Is there any sense in which the other brother and his family might be viewed as particularly struggling from the financial point of view? That's the only reason I can think of that might make it okay.

@IrmaFayLear just to note that although the father did celebrate the youngest son’s return with the fatted calf, he also assured his son that ‘everything i have is yours’. So the youngest son was celebrated but not given another inheritance. It’s still a tough parable though to those of us that alerts seem to do the right thing.

We have a similar situation with PIL. @notnowmaybelater perfectly outlines the situation. SIL needed more support at one time, but that has coloured everything now and she will always come first. Ironically she is also treated as the most capable, even though her siblings both hold demanding jobs and don’t get all the parental support that she gets.

The thing is, some parents can make it completely OTT.
I have ha sibling who is constantly asking for money. She has a job, a working husband, a house, a child but she still asks my DP for money and every time they say yes ... but then proceed to give me the same.
We are not talking pennies here. For example £10k for a car.
I was the one saying no, because I’m independent, I don’t want their hard earned cash, I have pride but they insist because they can’t bear the thought I might be hurt and won’t say no to her.
We often make jokes about how tight she is, how she has no shame but she really doesn’t care.
Sometimes I wonder if she is the favourite because they never say no to her but I think now they just pity her and worry about her ability to manage her own finances, given she is constantly asking them for cash.
In your shoes I’d do my best to ignore them. It will only eat you up otherwise.

In my parents' case it was all about preferred gender. They were indulgent to my brother, growing up, and emotionally unavailable to me. As someone said above, my brother grew up to be a tosser who thinks he is something a bit special he isn't and he barely visited my parents, but was given huge handouts while, you guessed it, I got nothing.

It seems like they prioritise getting the glory of making the grand gesture over everything else.

This.

I couldn't afford to go to a family wedding, I was a student and skint. I am disabled so not able to work a part time job.

My brother and his wife were both working but my mum paid the hotel bill for them and their children.

My bro then phoned me and told me I should have gone to the wedding, mum would have paid.

People will only treat you like shit if you let them

I went no contact with my mum, I only got back in touch because of my dad.

Yes @notnowmaybelater
This exists in my family although I'm not sure in our case I'd describe it as favouritism quite.
'Fragile' DSis still lives at home (on-off in DM's investment property round the corner) and "can't" work because of her "hormonal" (mental health) issues. Gives me the rage as my DH worked full time through his crippling and occasionally suicidal MH probs and DMum sees him as weak and DSis as strong.
She backs DS in any discussion, turning it into a row by creating sides. She says she would defend any of us... but misses the point that DS isn't being attacked!

And breathe!