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Original poster

AIBU to ask why parents who have favourite children.....

56 replies

Magnolia21 · 18/02/2020 08:30

don't try to conceal it as best they can?

We have always felt a bit second division when it comes to DPs parents. What I don't get is why they always need to tell us each time they give DPs brother's family yet another generous cash handout rather than keeping it quiet. If they kept it to themselves, we would be none the wiser. It seems like they prioritise getting the glory of making the grand gesture over everything else.

Obviously it is their money and they are entitled to do what they want with it. I just wish that they could be more discreet in how they behave.

OP posts:

Tiredmum100 · 18/02/2020 09:31

@Lyricallie I want to know more about the annual newsletter?!

dottiedodah · 18/02/2020 09:36

Well Im the only child Thank goodness ! but have seen this happen to friends of mine .My BF family adore her DB and nothing is too much trouble for him .Even though BF looks after DM ,cooking and doing her washing ,while DB is treated like Royalty when he deigns to come and visit for a day! Many parents seem to run rings trying to gain the love of the more obnoxious child ,and seem to think the kinder one will love them whatever!

SerendipitySunshine · 18/02/2020 09:36

My PIL are the same. They subsidise BIL and SIL all the time, as well as providing free childcare every day. They bought them a car so the children wouldn't have to walk to school, but still do the school run themselves. They believe that because my DH has a well paid job this evens things up.
We work really hard for everything we have, and have never asked them to babysit, yet they still favour his needy siblings.

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Woollycardi · 18/02/2020 09:42

Ugh, yes we have this full throttle in our family and it's complex shit show of favorites and shaming. I am very conscious as a parent not to carry on this bullshit with my own kids which is hard as I am still unpicking the emotional legacy of being out in the cold one moment and in the icy waters of the chosen one the next. Neither are enviable positions.

Doyoumind · 18/02/2020 09:47

I was the least favourite and it wasn't down to anything I ever did. I was academically the best and never in trouble (outside of the house). I know other people saw the difference in how I was treated. Parents who are like that don't try to hide it because on their minds they don't see it the same at all. I agree it's kind of that they work harder to win the affections of the one who cares less.

Things are a little bit different in my family now as the golden child is no longer around but it doesn't mean I became the golden child. Far from it.

Original poster

Magnolia21 · 18/02/2020 09:57

@PristineCondition

I don't think we would ever confront In laws as I'm not sure any good would come of it. We don't even mention it to our own DC as I don't want them to be upset by it.

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 18/02/2020 09:58

See, my parents have subsidised my sister all her life - she's 31 now and still lives at home (her partner, and various others before, have all moved in to my parents' house on a part time or full time basis over the years without paying anything). My dad bought her car, they have 'lent' her money she can't afford to pay back, they take her to and from work which entails them getting up at the crack of dawn to drop her a mile down the road instead of her walking.

And yet. I wouldn't say she was the favourite. I think (and so does she) that I am - I am the sensible married older sister who had their only grandchild, and has a house and responsible job. I went to private school (on an assisted place) and she went to the same crap state secondary that DS went to later on. I think they help her so much because she has mental health issues and is a bit hopeless at times, whereas they have rarely had to worry about me. There has never been a sense that they care for me or my family any less, just they show their love in a different way because my needs are different to hers. They have been generous to me, but it has all been repayable and sure, if I added it up it would probably seem unequal, but I don't feel there is any favouritism towards her in that, I often feel a bit guilty that when telling people about their family they brag about me (I have a reasonably important sounding job) when she is a nurse and a graduate, things I am not.

However it is crass to keep bringing up monetary gifts or loans given to others, so it sounds as though the situation you describe in your OP is really rubbish

Turfaccountant · 18/02/2020 09:59

I've been no contact with my F for 4 years now. My brother was always the favourite. ( think me still having to pay board when I was off sick for 18 months after a nasty car accident, later brother gave up a job cos he didn't like it, didn't pay board and they gave him money every week to help him out) I didn't even kick off when my M died and my F signed the house over to my brother ( I had to get brothers permission to have my Ms wedding ring) It was when F phoned me ranting that his son was his no1 priority that something switched in me. Haven't spoken to him since, life is so much better

Blackbear19 · 18/02/2020 10:20

Lyricallie

I can totally identify with that, esp talking about the favourite constantly. DH is one of 3, the other non favourite, play bingo on how many times the favourite and DGC will be mentioned.

I'm 90% certain the reason the ILs didn't come round for DS birthday is because SIL was visiting. She's probably been there for 3/4 days.

It's so hurtful but I hope DS doesn't notice.

Plumpplums · 18/02/2020 10:43

I hear you all
It's strangely reassuring to know you're not alone

IrmaFayLear · 18/02/2020 10:49

I would have said I was the favourite, too, but not treated as well as dsis . That sounds odd, but it always seemed as if dm was desperate to curry favour with the most difficult dd, desperate to help her, desperate to big her up.

There are regularly threads on MN about parents not leaving money in wills fairly, and I think it's all part of parents' attempts to equalise things between their dcs at all costs. Perhaps it's something inbuilt, but it seems to bring out the best in some parents if one dc is deemed to be "left behind", even if they are entirely the architect of this.

IrmaFayLear · 18/02/2020 10:50

best ? I meant beast !!

Chipsahoy · 18/02/2020 12:42

My dbro is the favourite. Although I've had a car and money given, I've been loved and looked after, they approve of him more because he's in their church, married his first girlfriend and I guess is just more like them.
Our paths are very different, we were raised the same and also completely differently. I as a girl was not indulged with doing everything for me. And, I knew as a teen that I was not likes because they thought of teen girls as naturally harlots.. That I enticed men, that I was to blame.
I was horrifically abused, as coincidence perhaps, but because of how I'd been raised to think of myself, it continued and I was blamed by my parents for it. They'd deny it but I know they blame me for it. On some level they still think it's my fault. We won't ever recover from that.
I want my brother's parents. I want that relationship.

Original poster

Magnolia21 · 18/02/2020 13:10

@Chipsahoy That's really sad.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/02/2020 13:31

What’s laughable is that they think no one knows. Everybody knows.

Their very weak individuals though to look for approval from complete wastrels who fleece them financially.

My dads mother did this with her dd. Indulged her all her life, provided wrap around childcare for my cousins and did housework for her. When she was old and infirm my aunt started physically abusing her if she said no to her. It served her right too for being so bloody weak over the years. All the years of indulgence only made my aunt view her with contempt.

newname4968382 · 18/02/2020 13:37

Just wanted to write here from a different perspective. My DH and his other younger brother are the favourites. There are five of them in total. I actually find it very upsetting. Many of the comments made on this thread are what I assume his older siblings think of my DH.
It has caused a lot of tension between DH and his siblings as they often take it out on him.
What is most frustrating is we don't ask for financial help and don't accept it. DH parents constantly tried to offer us money toward buying our first property. They obviously told other members of the family they were planning to do so. Now all his siblings believe that DHs parents paid for our house deposit. They didn't we refused the money we didn't even need it. DH has told his siblings this but they do not believe him.
DH has tried talking about it in the past but got nowhere. Now his relationship isnt the best with siblings he doesn't bother.

ToriaPumpkin · 18/02/2020 14:06

My BIL is the favourite. He has some issues, but he would be capable of being independent if MIL had ever let him be, she has carefully cultivated a situation where he constantly needs rescuing. The most recent drama is he split up with his wife (for the best, she was abusive and vile) hut now he needs a car as theirs was in her name. So MIL is going to buy him a car. DH asked if BIL has any points on his license just now (he's lost his license twice for speeding despite driving for a living). She was adamant he doesn't. Which I know for a fact is untrue because he was on the Sheriff Court section of our local paper a few weeks ago having been caught speeding again and awarded 4 points and a fine. This will be brushed under the carpet. Unlike the time DH got points for speeding when it was brought up regularly.

Original poster

Magnolia21 · 18/02/2020 14:07

@newname4968382
Yes, it is a very divisive way for parents to behave and guaranteed to lead to bad feeling. Makes you wonder why parents would want to risk driving a wedge between siblings.

OP posts:

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 18/02/2020 14:11

I agree with the person who said it’s usually the arsehole kid! In my case the eldest brother. I wonder if it’s usual for the firstborn to be favoured.

Unfortunately all their pandering backfired and he is now a self entitled alcohol and just not doing well at all.

It’s one thing that puts me off ever having another child tbh. What if I end up like my parents?

Blackbear19 · 18/02/2020 14:19

I think it can be a boy vs girl thing rather than oldest vs youngest. But dont know that there is a real science behind it.

IamPickleRick · 18/02/2020 14:20

For me it’s not about the money. It’s about the love. I wouldn’t take money from my IL because I don’t want to owe them a single thing, favour or care. They do nothing for us, not even calling to check their grand daughter was ok in a car crash we had last week, all while looking after all of SIL’s kids for her daily. The car crash thing did it. SIL only contacted us 3 days later because she wanted something. Said all innocently that she didn’t know about the accident even though she’d been watching my insta stories about it all week.

Honesty, we could be sitting there on fire and DP’s family would be more worried about whether it was going to get on SIL and her kids.

Blackbear19 · 18/02/2020 14:39

I'minapickle - yip I can see how much that would hurt.

IamPickleRick · 18/02/2020 14:55

Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll find a way to make it my fault that they don’t give a shit. I’m not massively hurt for me, it’s that they don’t care about my kids that’s the kicker. I know that they knew about the accident, my mum went out of her way to drive my MIL 40 miles home from my other SIL’s on the night it happened and she told her it had happened. And they still didn’t call.

On the plus, I now have a reason never to see them ever again!

plunkplunkfizz · 18/02/2020 15:16

I’m married to a least favourite and he actually quite likes it. The preferred siblings get showered with time and money but it all comes with string attached. He, on the other hand, made his own way in the world for better or worse, and was able to raise his children his way without interference. The only time it ever grated was when he realised the favoured siblings were property owners in their early twenties and we were only just able to buy our first house in our 40s.

RandomUsernameHere · 18/02/2020 15:33

DH's family is like this, it's vile. His sister has been handed everything on a plate, DH has had nothing. They paid for the sister's wedding (despite not really being able to afford it) and for our wedding all we got was a cheap set of suitcases. Despite all this they seemed to expect unlimited access to our DCs (because they're their only grandchildren at the moment) but no way is that ever going to happen! I'm hoping they will lose interest in my DC as soon as SiL has a baby. As harsh as that sounds, they are toxic and we are much better off with very limited contact with them.

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