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Original poster

Partners who work away - how do you cope?

75 replies

MistletoeNWine · 16/02/2020 16:28

Finding this particularly hard at the moment. DH works about 2.5 hours away weekdays but comes home for the weekend. Usually he leaves on Monday mornings and I seem to cope fine with this because I have my own working week to get on with. He's having to leave tonight because he has a course tomorrow and I also have a day off tomorrow. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to fill the hours and how lonely I feel when he's gone. I've been crying most of the day. We're TTC but it seems so impossible when we're apart so often. Basically what I'm asking is how do people cope with this? We've been partially long distance for years and I'm struggling. We don't have any DCs yet so it's just me and the cat and Storm Dennis.

OP posts:

Mumof1andacat · 16/02/2020 16:39

Are any of your friends about who you could meet for lunch with or dinner in the evening?

PotteringAlong · 16/02/2020 16:42

If you’re struggling so much that you’re spending your one day with him sobbing then do not have children with this man. Either you need to move to where he works or he needs a job where you live.

babasaclover · 16/02/2020 16:43

Can you go with him tonight make a nice romantic night of it, change of scenery assume he stays in a hotel? Then come back at your leisure in the morning

Everythingmagnolia · 16/02/2020 16:43

My DH is in the army and he is currently halfway through a 7 week exercise. I think I cope by keeping busy. I work PT and have 2 DC and 2 dogs, but can find the evenings a struggle at times.

Do you have friends you can make plans with while he is away?

Get into something good on Netflix or an interesting book?

PineappleDanish · 16/02/2020 16:46

I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to fill the hours and how lonely I feel when he's gone. I've been crying most of the day

Seriously??? In the nicest way possible, get a grip. It is not healthy to put all of your happiness/life onto the presence of one person. It's clingy and needy in the extreme. Don't you work? Have friends? Have hobbies? A sport? Go running/walking/cycling or ANYTHING?

Of course you're going to miserable if you depend on your partner being there for everything, and spend your time when he's not there moping about and being sad.

But that's a choice you're making.

mumonthehill · 16/02/2020 16:49

Well if you cannot cope now you never will with a DC. Mine works away 2 weeks out of 4 and has done for nearly all our marriage. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes he is away when big issues arise but I get on with it. I never feel lonely, I have work dc now, friends and a set date with the sofa most evenings!!

Valkadin · 16/02/2020 16:52

Have you alway been like this? I have MH issues but have had to put up with DH being away for weeks at a time abroad. Sometimes I did find it very difficult if my mood was very low but I still managed it.

audweb · 16/02/2020 16:56

What did you do with yourself before you had your DH? Do those things. You must have had a life as a single person... see friends, watch bad tv, join clubs.. the list is endless.

IpanemaGallina · 16/02/2020 16:57

During the week I don’t really notice as I’m busy with work and kids activities after school. And when he’s in uk he’s always late home anyway.

But the weekends are harder. I try and have a little treat each weekend, like a cinema trip or takeaway pizza so the kids are distracted.

But life goes on regardless and when he is here it’s lovely being a family.

Stronger76 · 16/02/2020 16:58

How. The FUCK. Do you think single parents cope OP?

With the best will in the world, give your head a wobble. You need to move house or he needs to get a job closer to home. With a kid on your hands in the near future how do you think you'll manage? What is it exactly you are getting so unbelievably distressed over?

BakewellGin1 · 16/02/2020 17:02

Dh has worked away Mon-Fri or 12 days on 2 off throughout the 13 years we have been together. We have 2 DC (11 and 11 months)... Even before them I would work FT, go to the gym, out with friends, see family...

Now my time is filled with FT work, 3 nights football training with oldest and then activities such as swimming etc in spare weekend days.

We just plan our time to make the most of his time home and make sure we have a date night now and again so it isn't all about the kids.

damnthatanxiety · 16/02/2020 17:08

OP I get the impression it is not the one extra day that is upsetting you but that it is the straw that has broken the camels back. You need to resolve this going forward. Can either of you relocate your jobs? Do you have to live where you live now? Does he have to work where he works now?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 16/02/2020 17:10

DH ( freelance) works away for weeks at a time but there’s no regularity Divorce is incredibly common in his industry. It’s impossible for them to turn down work as it’s a niche industry. It’s impossible for the person at home to plan anything short or long term and they essentially live as singletons.
We still live in the seperate homes we had when we met each other 15 years ago. There was no way I could do blended families with a two week deluge of washing and ironing as well as being pleased to see the him. He can go back to his and decompress at his own rate.
The two home solution means we both get our stuff done and I can have a normal life . We meet up for the fun bits of being in a relationship.

damnthatanxiety · 16/02/2020 17:11

BakewellGin1 do you mean he is home 2 days and then away 12 days? Wow. That seems so alien to me. DH has travelled a lot with his work and has been away 3 weeks at a time but on the whole is home 7 days a week. Does that mean you see him something like 50 days a year? I don't know if I would feel married.

damnthatanxiety · 16/02/2020 17:12

although I completely agree that different people work in different ways and in no way mean to judge anyone at all

IamPickleRick · 16/02/2020 17:17

I have three kids, 2,3 and 10. DH works away or late three nights so I have to do dinner and the bedtime/bath routine alone.

I bought an annual pass for a local attraction so I have a slow cooker on for those days, take them straight from picking up the older one to the attraction, have an hour or so running off steam then back home again and they’re usually so tired they go straight to sleep after dinner and bath. The younger two I bathe together and read story to together. The older one bathes himself after. Then I have my own dinner and relax with a book or Netflix

If you put measures in place for the nights you’re alone, it really helps

Double3xposure · 16/02/2020 17:19

If you’re struggling so much that you’re spending your one day with him sobbing then do not have children with this man. Either you need to move to where he works or he needs a job where you live

This. It might be tough advice but it’s good advice.

CottonSock · 16/02/2020 17:19

I'm another to say it's rather different once you have kids. Coping on your own being able to do whatever you want.... that will be a thing of the past. You need some hobbies

IamPickleRick · 16/02/2020 17:20

Oh no sorry, I just saw that you don’t have kids!

Before we had kids I usually spent the evening enjoying my life! Swimming, gym, cinema, pub, restaurant with friends, takeaway with friends, late night exhibition, omg I loved it. Don’t waste these days OP!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 16/02/2020 17:21

It's one day. You will be fine. My other half is away often for work and I only work three days a week so quite often go off in the camper van for four days in a row without him. You need to find your own hobbies.

Bouledeneige · 16/02/2020 17:22

Single parent here for 13 years with two DC. Its easy.

For many years they were with their Dad EOW and I coped just fine and had lots of fun - hobbies, friends to see etc.

RaininSummer · 16/02/2020 17:41

Blimey OP . You needs some hobbies and interests. Dont ever be so dependent on one person to fill your world. A lot of people have partners who work away for months or more at a time and cope with young kids alone . Also as above single parents . Being emotionally needy isn't usually seen as a great trait in a partner either.

haba · 16/02/2020 17:45

I have so much to do- work FT, 2DC- that by the time I drop into bed I fall asleep instantly. I don't have time to miss my husband.

I don't understand why, if you have no children, you wouldn't move to where the work is.

Mummyshark2018 · 16/02/2020 17:47

My dh works away 2 weeks a month. 1 dc and ddog. It's fine. I work, dc in school, has clubs during week and at weekends. Try and organise meeting friends for lunch or inviting them over for dinner. No family local. You just learn to make the most of it. Hardest thing for me is not being able to go the the gym in the evening as no childcare. If I had no commitments at home I would be working, going to gym, meeting a friend for dinner/ cinema and then would probably fly home to see family and friends once a month or see friends in London. Make the most of it whilst you don't have dc as when you do you and if you dp working pattern will be the same if your life will be much more restricted in what you can do.

Subtractingcalories · 16/02/2020 17:48

I've spent my life with dh working away often. You do get used to it op but even now I hate it if he is away at weekends ( he sometimes has to catch a flight early on Sunday morning for example or leave on Friday nights for a conference in the States ). I do find that difficult and during my daughter's infancy up to the age of about six years when he was travelling every week without fail, I really found it really hard as we are expats and I was only just starting to develop a network of friends at that stage. It's particularly difficult when you are on your own and DC or pets are unwell.

Nowadays if he goes away for more than a week, I find it hard at the beginning but much, much easier as time goes on, but there again, I quite like my own company and DD is much more independent now.

I've evolved to the point where I positively enjoy it nowadays if he goes away for a few days and quite look forward to having more time to myself. But only if the trip has been planned a while. It sucks when you have to cancel all of your plans because he has to go away urgently.

How old are you op if you don't mind me asking? How long have you been married? And do you have friends and family where you live? If you are going to have DC when your dh will still be travelling, you need to build yourself a support system.

I'm in my mid-fifties and Imam ashamed to say that it it took me until my mid thirties for the penny to finally drop that I am responsible for my own happiness, how I organise my life and that you have to sail your own boat/plough your own furrow in life. I knew it in theory before then obviously, but it took a while for me to proactively live that way ifyswim. No one else will do that for you, even if you are happily married and your dh works from home and never travels! It's a useful lesson to learn. And especially so if you are going to be on your own a lot.

Agree with pp that you need to really enjoy these child-free months while you can, because afterwards it sometimes won't be easy to spontaneously pop to the corner shop, never mind the art gallery or cinema. Good luck

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